Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Ellie is a beautiful name, however part of adolescence is finding your own identity. Do you respect her enough to respect how she wants to present to the world? This doesn't permanently change her body or endanger her health, why wouldn't you respect her?
On getting her to a professional: in a quiet time when you're not fighting tell her that you guys are fighting a lot, which is really stressful to both of you and you are having difficulty seeing her side of it. You'd like to meet together with a family counsellor so that the counsellor can help both of you communicate and come to agreements. Be prepared that you're not going to be able to just lay down the law, but will have to present reasoned arguments, and listen to your daughter's arguments too. Hopefully after she sees how talking can work she'll be willing to see the counsellor on her own to "plan strategy".
tl;dr frame it as a professional helping her win against you and she'll be there in a shot.
It's not about the name change. Well I mean part of it is, yes, but mainly it's the fact that she thinks she can emotionally blackmail me into giving her what she wants by threatening to commit suicide. While the fact she even did that is alarming in itself and is definitely something worth getting therapy about, I won't let her use threats as leverage for me to let her do whatever she pleases.
Is this how your whole relationship is? I know teenagers suuuuuuuuck.
But
This self-harm is not about manipulating you, it's a cry of how much pain she's in. Because no one can see emotional pain she's trying to make it visible. Remember when she was three and you would sometimes realise you'd become locked in a battle of wills over something trivial, only you were both too stubborn to give at all? I think you need a sit down with a counsellor as much as she does. Is being right more important than having a child who comes to see you from time to time once she leaves home?
These are exactly my thoughts. I should somehow find a way for her to see a therapist, but I'm not going to cave and allow her to legally change her name because of emotional blackmail. That's not how I raise my kids.
Use her wanting to change her name....Tell her that if she will go to therapy for 3 months and participate that you'll agree to her name change as long as the therapist decides it is for the right reasons. And, you keep your word.
With teens, and no two are alike...you, as the Parent use whatever it takes, whatever works to do the right thing for them .
So my daughter (she's 15 right now) has been hounding me for around 3 years now regarding a name change. Her name is Ellie, and I have no idea why she hates it so much, it's a beautiful name! I don't know whether it has anything to do with her grandmother dying, since they shared a name, but she won't tell me when I ask, she just gets angry. The other day we were having an argument about it yet again, and then suddenly she ran to the kitchen, grabbed one of those sharp knives and told me that if I don't allow her to change her name she's going to slit her wrists with that knife. It was alarming, obviously, so now I don't know what to do. I'm worried sick, if I'm going to be honest. I keep on trying to get in touch with my ex-husband but he always somehow dodges my calls. He hasn't really kept in touch since we divorced so he won't be much help either.
I recommended taking her to a therapist so she can discuss her issues openly and freely but as soon as I suggested it she got unbelievably angry at me and started calling me every name in the book.
Ultimately I'm not sure whether I should just let her change the damn name so she can stop with this, or if I should be firm and put my foot down and simply not allow that kind of bratty behavior.
Thanks in advance for any advice
-Adrianna
If she is a danger to herself (which she is if she is threatening suicide) then call the police and they will Baker Act her which means she will have to stay in a psychiatric facility for a minimum of 72 hours. Sounds like her issues go much further than a name change. Drugs maybe?
They do? I really didn't know that... Are you certain that's the case? If so, maybe I should talk to the principal then. But then again my eldest daughter went to the same school as Ellie and she never had any issues with suicide.
In my district, we have about 1 mental health professional to about 900 kids. That's not an exaggeration. What MLII claims is not possible with that kind of ratio.
I've read all 14 pages of this thread because unfortunately, it really hit home for me in a lot of ways, and wanted to try and help you before it is too late.
When I was 15 years old, I threatened suicide to my parents over a "seemingly" trivial issue because it was the final straw for me. However, I was struggling and just couldn't handle life anymore period. However, instead of my parents taking me seriously, they instead thought I was using it for attention because I had a great life so why would I even consider such a thing?
This should have been a moment that they reached out to me, apologized for missing the signs and/or not paying attention, but instead they brushed it off, and I hid my pain for the next 13 YEARS.
I have depression, anxiety, and OCD, and with no treatment, I was just trying to push through the best I could because I felt like no one would genuinely listen to me so why bother talking about it. I had panic attacks constantly, but instead of seeing them as such, the people in my life thought I was being a baby and throwing temper tantrums. So I hid. I did my best to be "normal" on the outside, but inside I was hurting. And I did "rebellious" things because I felt like I had no one to talk to without getting judged. My mom claimed that I could talk to her about anything, but she would just judge every single thing I tried to talk to her about.
For instance, if I wanted to talk to her about a name change, it would have went something like this:
Me: Mom, I really want to change my name to Spencer.
Mom: WHY would you ever want to do THAT? You never hated your name before...plus I named you after your grandmother, doesn't that mean anything to you?
Me: You don't understand me!! I don't know why I even tried to talk to you!!
At this point, my fear would overwhelm me...and I would start breathing heavy...and I'd run away before anyone could see me start to panic. After the panic attack, I would remind myself that this is why I don't talk to my mom ever, and that next time, I'll just say nothing and then wait until I turn 18 and change my name out of the blue. Then if my mom blew up, I could just ignore her.
Instead, I always craved that it would go something like this:
Me: Mom, I really want to change my name to Spencer.
Mom: (listens) tell me more
Me: (detailing reasons)
Mom: (listening)
Mom: I didn't know you felt that way. This is really hard for me because I named you after your grandmother and love your nickname...but I see why you feel the way you do. When you're 18, you can legally change your name to whatever you want as long as you pay the fees and go through the process.
Me: but I don't turn 18 until after I graduate...my diploma will have the wrong name...it'll be so much easier to do it now before I start a job and apply to college.
Mom: well, this is a lot to take in...I don't really think I can make a decision like this right away. Give me time to think about this. But thank you for talking to me about it. I know this was hard for you.
I just wanted her to listen. I wanted to be able to talk to her without fear of what she'd say. Without the fear, there's no reason to panic. No anxiety.
In the past year, I've been much more publicly open about my mental illnesses. That they are no one's fault, they are just how I was born and wired. Finally, I can actually talk to my mom about things now. With counseling, I was able to conquer my fear of talking to my mom despite her judgement (through exposure therapy, of all things - learning that her judgement was just discomfort and not danger). And she still judges from time to time...but now I have the skills to not let it bother me and cause me to panic. And now we can finally have a relationship where I tell her about things and my feelings.
I wish we had that so much sooner.
I fear that at this point, your daughter is so closed up that if you try to listen to her feelings, she won't bother telling them. Or she'll get suspicious and think you are looking for new ways to criticize her. I would first apologize to her about not taking her threat seriously, because suicide is a big deal and shouldn't be dismissed. And that you will try to listen to her without judgement. And let her know that you're going to see someone because you want to learn how to communicate better with her and others.
Because she threatened suicide, she will need to talk to a psychologist about it at the very least, even if it means you have to drag her there. Not because she did anything bad, but because suicide is not a threat that you want to risk taking lightly. I would not let that slide under any circumstances.
If the counselor tries to push the blame 100% on you or your daughter, fire them and get a new one. A good counselor will know and understand that there is no good guy or bad guy and that you both need advice and help communicating better with each other. Last year, my husband and I got into a really nasty argument, so we went to my counselor together at my next session and talked about it. She did not place the blame on either of us, but directed us on how we could communicate with each other the next time a similar situation happened. She helped us both in the process, and it really worked.
Best of luck to you and your daughter. It's not going to be easy, but I truly hope you can fix your relationship. This may be about a name change, but I suspect the name change is just the straw that broke the camel's back and that you and your daughter are both hurting, which is causing the communication breakdown.
This is NOT about names. The name problem is symbolic for how this teenager feels about herself. It's also the chosen ground for a power struggle with the mother. If it wasn't the name it would be a boyfriend, the school she goes to, or something else.
It seems to me that Mom's low-keyed response to this incredibly histrionic behavior is being interpreted by the teen as, "See, Mom doesn't care about me. Even when I say I'm going to kill myself all she does it post it on a blog."
Before you bold at me, you should read my other posts. That comment was to another poster, not to the OP.
My daughter definitely isn't transgender. I know her and judging by the clothes she wears and her mannerisms it's highly unlikely she'd want to become male. NOT that I have a problem with it, but she's just not.
Not that it matters, but the most girly girl, feminist woman I knew ended up transitioning to male in her 20s. It isn't likely in your case (sounds like she got it from a TV show) but just putting it out there that it isn't the case sometimes. Many trans people over compensate.
BTW, the few times that someone that I knew had a mental health crisis where the police & ambulance were called, they transported the child or adult to a psychiatric facility or a large hospital that had a psych ward with psychiatric staff 24 hours a day.
Taking an out of control teen, threatening to kill themselves with a knife, to a nearby "walk in clinic" or tiny, tiny community hospital like they have a broken leg or a severe fever is, IMHO, not the best method of treatment. While it is better than nothing I can see why a patient may have to wait for a while to see a psychiatrist.
That usually is not the case, unless there is a local public psych hospital (few and far between in the US). I belong to a social media group that deals with children struggling with early childhood trauma (mostly adopted kids). Unfortunately many parents deal with suicidal gestures and acting out violently.
What usually happens is that they send police first to make sure its safe to come in. The ambulance transports the child (sometimes in restraints) to the closest hospital. If they come in an ambulance, they are usually brought into a room quickly. The child is stripped and put in suicide prevention clothing (stuff that would tear if they tried to hang themselves with it). Then you wait. At some point a psych resident or a social worker will come in, talk to everyone for a bit, then say "do you feel safe to bring your child home?". Usually by then the child is calm and there isn't a reason to keep them. Sometimes they have been given a benzo already so they are very relaxed.
If you say "no, I can't take my child home", you will be waiting, maybe for days for a psych bed to open up. Or sent to another hospital that has psych beds. CPS may be called at that point and get involved (which is usually not great, but has helped some).
If you say you can bring your child home you are discharged and told to follow up with your psychiatrist. That is tricky in itself because there are some areas that are so under served in the area of mental health, they don't have one, they have to wait weeks to get in for a follow up (and months to a year to get a new patient visit). They don't usually give you any changes in medication or ideas on what to do if it happens again.
I have seen 100s of families accounts of their visits to the ER after a violent or suicidal outbreak and 95% follow this same pattern. Its terrible. Not something I every expected in the US.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
