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It was my late mother's name; it's short for Eleanore, which she also hates. I'm sorry but I can't just accept calling her something else after I've called her Ellie for the last 15 years. It'll be tough. Plus I've said multiple times that she can use her middle name which is Jessica but she hates that as well. She just wants to completely change her identity and who she is. I can't just accept that willy nilly.
Why is it hard to accept that she wants to change her name? You act like it's some kind of personal attack on you. She wants to be her own person with her own name, so just let her change it and be done with it. It really shouldn't be about you anyway. There could be so much worse problems with a 15 year old!
I may be the only one that feels this way, but had I the opportunity to have a do over regarding having children, I would not. One of mine gave us "hell" and had a suicide attempt. Never determined if it was real attempt or not but the results landed in the ER. Did the therapist routine which seems to be standard answers that the parents are at fault. 25 years later there is still a void in the relationship with that kid. Unconditional love ain't unconditional under the right circumstances. You can wind up not liking your own offspring. I wish the OP well with this mess. I do not think there are any simple answers. It is amazing how free you can feel when your kids are gone.
I've tried recommending a therapist, she's pretty adamant about not wanting to go. It's not like I can drag her there against her will.
Oh, yes you can, and as her parent you must. Your child grabbed a knife and threatened suicide. You seem disengaged emotionally with the seriousness of this. You should have called 911.
Take everything away except essentials, her bed, a weeks worth of clothes...no phone,, tv, social media. The price of getting her extras back is counseling....get her there do not wait.
Who cares about your ex, you are the one there, do what you have to.
And I think she gets bullied for her name, only reference for kids is Ellie Mae Clampett...what is her middle name, let her use that, or her initials or anything. But get her in to a professional for the suicide threat immediately..
Considering the fact you're looking for advice from strangers on the internet it's obvious that 'how you raise your kids' is not working.
Less control. More understanding. She wants to change her name....not join a terrorist group.
She might be trying to manipulate you - or she might have deeper issues. I would still seek therapy if a suicide threat was made.
But, if she doesn't like her name, I would accept it for now (I do think there may be more going on here though>) Spencer is the name of one of the little girls on Pretty Little Liars, maybe that is why she likes it...or maybe she just likes it....I see the two of you are wrestling for control here - honestly, if it were my daughter I would just let her use a different name for now, and see what becomes of it.
I know you named her Ellie and you love the name, but she doesn't - I wouldn't force her to be called by a name she hates - I would let her chose. She doesn't want to join a cult, or a terrorist group she just doesn't like her name - then let her change it (if she gets a job and pays the legal fees).
Don't sweat the small stuff, or have major wars over things like the name that people call her (at almost 16, I think you should respect her feelings on the name. It's not worth the fights, or her killing herself or you being able to be in control to call her what you wish...it might be healing for her to change her name - she is growing up, she is only a year younger than you were when you had your first daughter - let her have some choice and control over her own life, especially if it is something not destructive. )
I am going to disagree that the daughter is obviously mentally unhealthy overall. She is in pain and crying out for help. She reached her breaking point and wanter her mom to hear her so bad and that was all she could come up with to be heard. She was pushed to her breaking point. She may be mentally ill, but I wouldn't say that was for sure. She is a very emotional, maybe confused but for sure hurting young lady.
That is why mentally ill teens often fall through the cracks, people want to downplay their dramatics.
But threatening suicide, and not just verbally but by grabbing a knife and threatening it physically is far beyond normal teen angst.
It is not to late to talk to the police and get some help, she needs it asap.
Her dad may not be in the picture now, but I'd be surprised if he didn't go after custody if he hears you've got a teenager acting out - to the point she's threatening and/or considering suicide AND you aren't doing a dang thing about it.
I may be the only one that feels this way, but had I the opportunity to have a do over regarding having children, I would not. One of mine gave us "hell" and had a suicide attempt. Never determined if it was real attempt or not but the results landed in the ER. Did the therapist routine which seems to be standard answers that the parents are at fault. 25 years later there is still a void in the relationship with that kid. Unconditional love ain't unconditional under the right circumstances. You can wind up not liking your own offspring. I wish the OP well with this mess. I do not think there are any simple answers. It is amazing how free you can feel when your kids are gone.
No therapist aims to come to a conclusion that parents are "at fault" or that blaming someone is the answer. If that's what you got out of therapy, that's you not doing the work you're supposed to be doing.
Look, they prompt kids into that suicide crap in school..They spend more time counseling than teaching
Counselors will come to classrooms, and say if you feel like suicide, come talk to us! It will be confidential, no one, not even your parents, will know unless you want them to know. Of course, kids are lined up to go to the counselor. Then, the counselors beam with self-satisfaction, look at all the tragedies they have prevented The counselors are just justifying their jobs, and the kids are getting out of classes. My cousin teaches, she said many kids suddenly have a "crisis" for which they must see the counselor, on test days. Of course, they must let the kid go, otherwise, the school might be responsible!
OP, just ignore the suicide threats. She's not going to commit suicide, anymore than that old ruse about kids holding their breath. Just walk away, isn't that what they used to recommend? Remove the audience? She's just looking for a way to control you.
Please, whatever you do, don't get involved in the psychiatric circus! First, you will be alarmed, and call 911. Once they get there, they will call CPS, who will make your life hell. 911 will ask her if she wants to go to an ER, if she says yes, they will take her, regardless of your wishes. Guess what? YOU get stuck with a bill from Hell----in the thousands! Its considered an ER visit, and YOU pay deductibles, copays, etc. They don't do squat. Some think an all-wise, knowing, competent counselor will have a nice, long chat and discover the real reasons motivating your child's thoughts. Wrong!
Instead, like most ER visits, the kid AND you will sit there for hours. They don't have mental health counselors at the ready in the ER. They call in a counselor, which can take hours. Please, I don't need anyone to accuse me of BS, like so many do. My DS loved playing "suicide", usually the night before a big test or school project he hadn't done. Once we waited in the ER for almost 3 days, that's the God's truth, for a mental health counselor to arrive. When she finally did, she just stayed about 5 minutes, and said something like "you shouldn't do that", then left. Oh, but DS had learned how to play the system. The mental health counselor would, per protocol, ask DS if he still felt like suicide. Of course, he would say yes, then, per law/protocol, he would be transported to a psychiatric facility. The would spend hours, if not days, looking for the first bed available in the state, then, it was OUR responsibility to transport him. Look, we live in Texas, the 2nd largest state in the union (sorry, fellow Texans, Alaska is the largest). They would find a bed in some place hours away, then insist we transport him there, after we were dead with exhaustion from sitting with him in the ER---which they require. We also had another child we couldn't just abandon, so we had to make arrangements for her.
Oh, but we have insurance. So, that means we have copays Many times the copays, for both the ER and psychiatric facility, ran into thousands PER INCIDENT! DS had us all but bankrupt with that crap! Oh, but he needed that care---baloney! They didn't do squat! They just kept him 72 hours, then, by law, they have to release him or come up with a new diagnosis an re-admit, which is a new deductible, etc. He'd come home worse than he went in! Then, CPS takes over, and insists you go to more counseling, which just empowers the kid. We dangled on their string for years, please, OP, don't let this happen to you.
Trust me, she's NOT going to kill herself. She's just trying to make you squirm. I agree, there's something else going on in your child's life, but not what it might seem. She probably got that suicide garbage from school, counselors, and peers who told her how to control her parents.
Other posters, don't bother with flames at me for how I was such a bad parent, I drove my child to suicide, then ignored his pleas for help. We depleted our savings and ruined our credit with all the counseling, psychiatric in-patient and outpatient, drugs, etc. I have no intentions of coming back to this thread, so don't bother with the flames. I just hope the OP doesn't go the route we did. Our kids are now adults and out of the house, and we are trying desperately to re-build our savings and credit so we can retire and not live in poverty.
I don't know the child at all, obviously, but I don't think she was necessarily suicidal.
Honestly, OP, if you brushed me off and didn't listen and held onto this silly name nonsense with me the the way you have here, I may have grabbed a knife and threatened suicide myself out of sheer frustration.
Take her to the therapist. At the very least she can vent to someone about how her mom doesn't listen.
Look, they prompt kids into that suicide crap in school..They spend more time counseling than teaching
...
Of course, kids are lined up to go to the counselor. Then, the counselors beam with self-satisfaction, look at all the tragedies they have prevented
This doesn't happen.
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