Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Their personalities are extremely different. My eldest daughter was always so quiet, respectful and studious in general. She went amazing at school and got into really prestigious colleges on full scholarships, and holistically we just had a really peaceful, balanced relationship, I honestly never experienced any issues with her, which is actually quite ironic because she's the child I had at 17 who's father dumped me as soon as he found out he'd gotten be pregnant. Before I met Ellie's father I raised her entirely by myself. Yet, I feel like I've raised her so much better than I have Ellie. I don't know what it is, maybe it's the difference in their personalities.
Ellie is just so different, she's doing below average at school and to be frank, to me it seems like she doesn't really care about getting into good colleges, I hardly ever see her doing any schoolwork, and she ditches a lot too. I never experienced these issues with my eldest daughter. Ellie's also extremely defiant and rude towards me most of the time, and even when I try to be strict, it doesn't change. It's actually very unnerving. I've wondered more than once what I've done wrong with her but honestly, maybe it's just the difference in their personalities. I don't know. I really don't think my parenting style has changed...
Maybe she feels she can never measure up to her older sister academically.
I would also try to help her find something she is really good at & gets joy from--her gift (s). It doesn't have to be something she will make a career of later, but it could turn out that way. I would start with anything in the arts...painting, pottery, jewelry making, clothing design, stained glass, flower arranging, writing, poetry..... Something that she can get into and de-stress and get creative.
Being a teenager can really suck in many ways. Teenage girls can be especially horrid to other girls. I wouldn't wish that time on anyone. Having activities/hobbies that give sense of accomplishment can really help with confidence. Plus she might find something she just loves that will provide a lifetime joy.
Ellie is just so different, she's doing below average at school and to be frank, to me it seems like she doesn't really care about getting into good colleges, I hardly ever see her doing any schoolwork, and she ditches a lot too.
She's probably depressed.
That aside, you're also not parenting her, at all. There is NO reason she should be ditching school and not doing homework. That's your responsibility as a parent.
Quote:
Originally Posted by skylineofhope
I never experienced these issues with my eldest daughter.
That might be because they're completely different children. It's not one size fits all, each child is different and requires different things from their parents.
Did your oldest excel at school on her own, or did you push her? How much parenting did she need from you?
Quote:
Originally Posted by skylineofhope
Ellie's also extremely defiant and rude towards me most of the time, and even when I try to be strict, it doesn't change. It's actually very unnerving. I've wondered more than once what I've done wrong with her but honestly, maybe it's just the difference in their personalities. I don't know. I really don't think my parenting style has changed...
Then you need to try something different. She acts this way because you allow it.
Did your oldest excel at school on her own, or did you push her? How much parenting did she need from you?
She always studied by herself without prompting from me. She had a goal and that was to get out of our home & this city and to make something of herself. It was self-motivation that drove her to ultimately succeed. But Ellie-it's like she doesn't have that at all. She's graduating in less than 3 years and she doesn't even seem to care about her future. I'm not one of those overbearing parents who pressures her kids into being at the top of their class, but I'm just so upset over this. Not only is my child feeling suicidal and depressed, she also doesn't give a damn about her future.
First thing Wednesday I've booked an appointment with a therapist. Ellie's going whether she likes it or not. Some of these answers made me realize being lenient isn't how I should be parenting Ellie. It worked for her sister, but it clearly isn't working for her. So I'm dragging her there. Even though I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to tell her.
Their personalities are extremely different. My eldest daughter was always so quiet, respectful and studious in general. She went amazing at school and got into really prestigious colleges on full scholarships, and holistically we just had a really peaceful, balanced relationship, I honestly never experienced any issues with her, which is actually quite ironic because she's the child I had at 17 who's father dumped me as soon as he found out he'd gotten be pregnant. Before I met Ellie's father I raised her entirely by myself. Yet, I feel like I've raised her so much better than I have Ellie. I don't know what it is, maybe it's the difference in their personalities.
Ellie is just so different, she's doing below average at school and to be frank, to me it seems like she doesn't really care about getting into good colleges, I hardly ever see her doing any schoolwork, and she ditches a lot too. I never experienced these issues with my eldest daughter. Ellie's also extremely defiant and rude towards me most of the time, and even when I try to be strict, it doesn't change. It's actually very unnerving. I've wondered more than once what I've done wrong with her but honestly, maybe it's just the difference in their personalities. I don't know. I really don't think my parenting style has changed...
OP, did you ever think that, aside from your preference for her name, your daughter is trying to establish her own personal "selfhood" by choosing another name? It's not like this has been a recent thing; you said she's been wanting to do this for the last three years. I also wonder if those last three years have been the time period where you have most frequently compared her to her "quiet, respectful and studious" older sister. Although it might not seem so to you, I guarantee that unfavorable comparisons with a sibling can really do damage to a teenager's self-esteem. I would bet that her choice of such a specific name as Spencer Valeria is directly related to an attempt to re-establish her sense of self-worth, at least in her own eyes. It seems that, in yours, your younger daughter is never going to measure up to her older sibling.
Although I realize that her threatening to kill herself with a kitchen knife seemed overly dramatic to you, I believe that it was also a culmination of her frustration with a situation in which she feels devalued as both an individual and, more specifically, your daughter. Aside from YOUR sentimental to the name "Eleanor", why on earth can't she change her name to one that she wants and likes? A name has significance to the bearer, and obviously the name "Ellie" has a negative connotation to HER. No matter what she is called, she'll still be the same person, and if it will make her feel like a better person, what's the harm?
She always studied by herself without prompting from me. She had a goal and that was to get out of our home & this city and to make something of herself. It was self-motivation that drove her to ultimately succeed. But Ellie-it's like she doesn't have that at all. She's graduating in less than 3 years and she doesn't even seem to care about her future. I'm not one of those overbearing parents who pressures her kids into being at the top of their class, but I'm just so upset over this. Not only is my child feeling suicidal and depressed, she also doesn't give a damn about her future.
First thing Wednesday I've booked an appointment with a therapist. Ellie's going whether she likes it or not. Some of these answers made me realize being lenient isn't how I should be parenting Ellie. It worked for her sister, but it clearly isn't working for her. So I'm dragging her there. Even though I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to tell her.
It will help you also to seek some guidance in how to effectively parent her, every child needs different parenting. Its up to us parents to figure out what works. Age and hormones change things too...get some guidance, maybe her therapist will have suggestions. Good luck and keep posting
Good for you Skyline ! You are doing the right thing and I hope she will go with you willingly. If not, go yourself. Please do come back and let us know what happened.
slitting her wrists isn’t suicide you said that she theratened to kill herself. At 15 she probably would prefer to be called something else, why not?? we can’t pick our names at birth. you dont sound like a bad parent ether. peace
You're on the right track getting some professional guidance.
Please don't lose hope.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
