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So my daughter (she's 15 right now) has been hounding me for around 3 years now regarding a name change. Her name is Ellie, and I have no idea why she hates it so much, it's a beautiful name! I don't know whether it has anything to do with her grandmother dying, since they shared a name, but she won't tell me when I ask, she just gets angry. The other day we were having an argument about it yet again, and then suddenly she ran to the kitchen, grabbed one of those sharp knives and told me that if I don't allow her to change her name she's going to slit her wrists with that knife. It was alarming, obviously, so now I don't know what to do. I'm worried sick, if I'm going to be honest. I keep on trying to get in touch with my ex-husband but he always somehow dodges my calls. He hasn't really kept in touch since we divorced so he won't be much help either.
I recommended taking her to a therapist so she can discuss her issues openly and freely but as soon as I suggested it she got unbelievably angry at me and started calling me every name in the book.
Ultimately I'm not sure whether I should just let her change the damn name so she can stop with this, or if I should be firm and put my foot down and simply not allow that kind of bratty behavior.
Thanks in advance for any advice
-Adrianna
I know this thread is worn out to hell and I'm not bothering to read it all. My answer:
First, I'd tell her to wait until she is 18 and you will even help her with the paperwork in her own apartment.
Second, if she refuses that notion, I'd ask which name she wants on her tombstone.
Taking a kitchen knife and threatening to kill herself is not normal behavior. In fact it's very alarming. You really should drag her to the hospital and have her locked in the psych ward for a couple of days.
If she is just trying to manipulate you by using suicide as an excuse then the psych ward will scare her into not using that manipulation tactic ever again.
But if she is truly suicidal then being locked up in the psych ward might help her talk to some objective persons about her problems and they may actually be able to help her.
Either way she belongs in the psych ward. I would've dragged her there immediately when she threatened to kill herself.
What is wrong with all of you people saying not to take this seriously.
You take it seriously, you should always take it seriously. At worst you overreacted but you can now address the issue of WHY she is behaving this way.
This why those in mental health are required to report it and to send you to the hospital.
If every suicidal gesture ended up with the person in a psych ward we would need 10,000x the psych beds we have. I am not saying to ignore it. But people do often threaten suicide when all they really want to say is "I hurt so bad, I can't even see the future. I want my pain to end. This hurts more then I can say in words". But still not actually suicidal.
Look, they prompt kids into that suicide crap in school..They spend more time counseling than teaching
Counselors will come to classrooms, and say if you feel like suicide, come talk to us! It will be confidential, no one, not even your parents, will know unless you want them to know. Of course, kids are lined up to go to the counselor. Then, the counselors beam with self-satisfaction, look at all the tragedies they have prevented The counselors are just justifying their jobs, and the kids are getting out of classes. My cousin teaches, she said many kids suddenly have a "crisis" for which they must see the counselor, on test days. Of course, they must let the kid go, otherwise, the school might be responsible!
OP, just ignore the suicide threats. She's not going to commit suicide, anymore than that old ruse about kids holding their breath. Just walk away, isn't that what they used to recommend? Remove the audience? She's just looking for a way to control you.
Please, whatever you do, don't get involved in the psychiatric circus! First, you will be alarmed, and call 911. Once they get there, they will call CPS, who will make your life hell. 911 will ask her if she wants to go to an ER, if she says yes, they will take her, regardless of your wishes. Guess what? YOU get stuck with a bill from Hell----in the thousands! Its considered an ER visit, and YOU pay deductibles, copays, etc. They don't do squat. Some think an all-wise, knowing, competent counselor will have a nice, long chat and discover the real reasons motivating your child's thoughts. Wrong!
Instead, like most ER visits, the kid AND you will sit there for hours. They don't have mental health counselors at the ready in the ER. They call in a counselor, which can take hours. Please, I don't need anyone to accuse me of BS, like so many do. My DS loved playing "suicide", usually the night before a big test or school project he hadn't done. Once we waited in the ER for almost 3 days, that's the God's truth, for a mental health counselor to arrive. When she finally did, she just stayed about 5 minutes, and said something like "you shouldn't do that", then left. Oh, but DS had learned how to play the system. The mental health counselor would, per protocol, ask DS if he still felt like suicide. Of course, he would say yes, then, per law/protocol, he would be transported to a psychiatric facility. The would spend hours, if not days, looking for the first bed available in the state, then, it was OUR responsibility to transport him. Look, we live in Texas, the 2nd largest state in the union (sorry, fellow Texans, Alaska is the largest). They would find a bed in some place hours away, then insist we transport him there, after we were dead with exhaustion from sitting with him in the ER---which they require. We also had another child we couldn't just abandon, so we had to make arrangements for her.
Oh, but we have insurance. So, that means we have copays Many times the copays, for both the ER and psychiatric facility, ran into thousands PER INCIDENT! DS had us all but bankrupt with that crap! Oh, but he needed that care---baloney! They didn't do squat! They just kept him 72 hours, then, by law, they have to release him or come up with a new diagnosis an re-admit, which is a new deductible, etc. He'd come home worse than he went in! Then, CPS takes over, and insists you go to more counseling, which just empowers the kid. We dangled on their string for years, please, OP, don't let this happen to you.
Trust me, she's NOT going to kill herself. She's just trying to make you squirm. I agree, there's something else going on in your child's life, but not what it might seem. She probably got that suicide garbage from school, counselors, and peers who told her how to control her parents.
Other posters, don't bother with flames at me for how I was such a bad parent, I drove my child to suicide, then ignored his pleas for help. We depleted our savings and ruined our credit with all the counseling, psychiatric in-patient and outpatient, drugs, etc. I have no intentions of coming back to this thread, so don't bother with the flames. I just hope the OP doesn't go the route we did. Our kids are now adults and out of the house, and we are trying desperately to re-build our savings and credit so we can retire and not live in poverty.
I'm sorry, but, that is probably about the worst advice I have seen on this forum yet...YIKES.
If she tries the slitting my wrist thing again.. Tell her go ahead... I doubt she will do it.... AND if she does you call 911 and then they will lock her up and find out what is going on with her....
If she tries the slitting my wrist thing again.. Tell her go ahead... I doubt she will do it.... AND if she does you call 911 and then they will lock her up and find out what is going on with her....
It was my late mother's name; it's short for Eleanore, which she also hates. I'm sorry but I can't just accept calling her something else after I've called her Ellie for the last 15 years. It'll be tough. Plus I've said multiple times that she can use her middle name which is Jessica but she hates that as well. She just wants to completely change her identity and who she is. I can't just accept that willy nilly.
Oh for crying out loud. She's not changing her identity, she wants to be called something else. You can't even indulge her because it's all about you? Get over yourself. It'll be good practice for when she DOES change her name.
Look, they prompt kids into that suicide crap in school..They spend more time counseling than teaching
Counselors will come to classrooms, and say if you feel like suicide, come talk to us! It will be confidential, no one, not even your parents, will know unless you want them to know. Of course, kids are lined up to go to the counselor. Then, the counselors beam with self-satisfaction, look at all the tragedies they have prevented The counselors are just justifying their jobs, and the kids are getting out of classes. My cousin teaches, she said many kids suddenly have a "crisis" for which they must see the counselor, on test days. Of course, they must let the kid go, otherwise, the school might be responsible!
OP, just ignore the suicide threats. She's not going to commit suicide, anymore than that old ruse about kids holding their breath. Just walk away, isn't that what they used to recommend? Remove the audience? She's just looking for a way to control you.
Please, whatever you do, don't get involved in the psychiatric circus! First, you will be alarmed, and call 911. Once they get there, they will call CPS, who will make your life hell. 911 will ask her if she wants to go to an ER, if she says yes, they will take her, regardless of your wishes. Guess what? YOU get stuck with a bill from Hell----in the thousands! Its considered an ER visit, and YOU pay deductibles, copays, etc. They don't do squat. Some think an all-wise, knowing, competent counselor will have a nice, long chat and discover the real reasons motivating your child's thoughts. Wrong!
Instead, like most ER visits, the kid AND you will sit there for hours. They don't have mental health counselors at the ready in the ER. They call in a counselor, which can take hours. Please, I don't need anyone to accuse me of BS, like so many do. My DS loved playing "suicide", usually the night before a big test or school project he hadn't done. Once we waited in the ER for almost 3 days, that's the God's truth, for a mental health counselor to arrive. When she finally did, she just stayed about 5 minutes, and said something like "you shouldn't do that", then left. Oh, but DS had learned how to play the system. The mental health counselor would, per protocol, ask DS if he still felt like suicide. Of course, he would say yes, then, per law/protocol, he would be transported to a psychiatric facility. The would spend hours, if not days, looking for the first bed available in the state, then, it was OUR responsibility to transport him. Look, we live in Texas, the 2nd largest state in the union (sorry, fellow Texans, Alaska is the largest). They would find a bed in some place hours away, then insist we transport him there, after we were dead with exhaustion from sitting with him in the ER---which they require. We also had another child we couldn't just abandon, so we had to make arrangements for her.
Oh, but we have insurance. So, that means we have copays Many times the copays, for both the ER and psychiatric facility, ran into thousands PER INCIDENT! DS had us all but bankrupt with that crap! Oh, but he needed that care---baloney! They didn't do squat! They just kept him 72 hours, then, by law, they have to release him or come up with a new diagnosis an re-admit, which is a new deductible, etc. He'd come home worse than he went in! Then, CPS takes over, and insists you go to more counseling, which just empowers the kid. We dangled on their string for years, please, OP, don't let this happen to you.
Trust me, she's NOT going to kill herself. She's just trying to make you squirm. I agree, there's something else going on in your child's life, but not what it might seem. She probably got that suicide garbage from school, counselors, and peers who told her how to control her parents.
Other posters, don't bother with flames at me for how I was such a bad parent, I drove my child to suicide, then ignored his pleas for help. We depleted our savings and ruined our credit with all the counseling, psychiatric in-patient and outpatient, drugs, etc. I have no intentions of coming back to this thread, so don't bother with the flames. I just hope the OP doesn't go the route we did. Our kids are now adults and out of the house, and we are trying desperately to re-build our savings and credit so we can retire and not live in poverty.
Best advice here and a strong dose of reality. She's 15. 15-year-olds are masters of the dramatic arts.
Are there other issues? Probably.
Does she need counseling? Why not? What could it hurt?
Maybe you do need to take her a little more seriously, but I doubt she's ready to commit suicide. She IS crying for attention, though.
I agree with those suggesting that you tell her that she can change her name when she's 18, and you'll help her. You could even agree to call her a nickname of her choosing. Don't tell her anymore about it being her grandmother's name - she knows that, you don't have to tell her again.
Talk to her and LISTEN. But DON'T let her be in charge.
Flame away, you people who have never parented teen-agers.
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