Wife wants to buy plane ticket for her parents (boy, appropriate, smart)
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I agree with you. I don't think $3k is a drop in the bucket for anyone these days. If the parents have the means they should not be holding up their kids who probably don't have much to spare.
But that's not the point. The wife wants to do this for her parents. Maybe for her, it is her way of saying thanks for coming and spending a few weeks with her and helping out with the newborn infant. On top of it, she is going to have a second child very soon and wants her mother to be there for her. She is asking her parents to come - they are not inviting themselves.
Of course affordability, especially $3k, is always an issue. But if a family can afford it, I honestly don't think this is "outrageous" at all. Also consider that you would typically spend $3k for a nanny for a few weeks of infant care anyway. I'm not equating her parents' visit with a nanny, but pointing out that with 2 children and living alone, it is reasonable to need help especially right after delivery. And "help" costs a great deal of money in a country like America.
You should change your way of thinking. Think how your wife would think.
She is going to deliver in 8 months. And the older child is still hovering around home while you are away. (Toddler between 3-5 needs special attention because they can do ANYTHING -- that is why parents have to put up fence everywhere like kitchen and bathroom.)
You said your mom can come to help for one month, But after one month how does your wife cope with a baby and a toddler while she is still recovering from delivery?
Your wife is not spoiled at all. Her request is very rational.
But I think that actually your mother-in-law should come alone. And when the baby grows older, you should take your whole family to visit your father-in-law in Korea.
And most likely your mother-in-law will be helping looking after the baby and the toddler most of the time. I assume she can neither drive nor speak fluent English. Where can she go? It is a super good deal to pay $1,500 for a full time caretaker.
My wife gave birth two times with two years in between. I proposed to pay air ticket for either my mother or my mother-in-law to fly over to help us out. Neither came. Your mother-in-law is so helpful. You are extremely lucky!
I think what people are missing is that OP is traveling overnight constantly. It doesn't matter if someone is a SAHM--to expect them to have 0 help, 24 hours a day, when she is just home from the hospital is pretty nuts. I'm sure *some* people do it, but why would you WANT your wife and 4 year old to suffer, if you can afford to do something else? Does the 4 year old even nap anymore? This isn't a typical situation where a husband is working 9-5.
It's true that I live in a upper middle class area, but every single mother I know that has a spouse that travels frequently overnight has help. A part time babysitter, a night nurse (the first 6 weeks), a post partum doula, out of town parents--something.
No doubt you don't know a single military wife.
(Single as in the number ONE, not single in the sense of marriage.)
The OP also had another thread about whether he should take a job for a significant pay increase if it had tons of on-the-road travel. I think if I were in her place, I would show him the costs of selecting that job over keeping the one that he had or selecting another one without the travel in terms of the ability to care for a newborn. I remember that in that thread, many people told him that he would be missing out on a lot of time with his young child (and now newborn), but he refused to listen. I think he actually revived the thread to say the job is going well, yet here we are discussing the very difficulties of having a job with tons of travel when there is a new addition to the family and one parent is unavailable to contribute because he’s on the road more than 50% of the time.
Even with our argument, if you ask my wife at this moment, I guarantee she does not resent me taking the job. And if you ask me right now, I absolutely do not regret one bit that I took the job. It was a solid decision. We do not have any chronic issue.
The situation that I have with my wife is just a disagreement on whats right and wrong based on our vastly different opinion and background and unfortunately, my wife's friend who had a nanny and her mother at the same time. Keep in mind that her friend doesn't even want to drive and expects her husband and her friends to drive her everywhere, so needless to say I am also frustrated that my wife would drop her standards down like that when I know my wife is much better.
Here was my recent response to the other thread you are referencing to:
Our home life has been great.
"Due to the higher income, we are able to send our 3 year old to preschool and my wife has been spending a lot more time with her friends. Realistically, I am only gone for 2 full days since I leave Monday evening and come back Thursday afternoon and then have at least full week or even two, working from home per month.
My wife just brought up the topic of paying for plane tickets to fly her parents from korea. I was reluctant because my in laws are far from hurting financially. However, I compromised to pay for her mother's ticket so that she can look after my wife and then when she leaves, my mother can take care of her as well. However, she just changed her mind and now wants a nanny...
Outside of this argument, we are doing well. I was able to meet my co-workers in a similar situation but with even more kids and they are all doing well."
You should change your way of thinking. Think how your wife would think.
She is going to deliver in 8 months. And the older child is still hovering around home while you are away. (Toddler between 3-5 needs special attention because they can do ANYTHING -- that is why parents have to put up fence everywhere like kitchen and bathroom.)
You said your mom can come to help for one month, But after one month how does your wife cope with a baby and a toddler while she is still recovering from delivery?
Your wife is not spoiled at all. Her request is very rational.
But I think that actually your mother-in-law should come alone. And when the baby grows older, you should take your whole family to visit your father-in-law in Korea.
And most likely your mother-in-law will be helping looking after the baby and the toddler most of the time. I assume she can neither drive nor speak fluent English. Where can she go? It is a super good deal to pay $1,500 for a full time caretaker.
My wife gave birth two times with two years in between. I proposed to pay air ticket for either my mother or my mother-in-law to fly over to help us out. Neither came. Your mother-in-law is so helpful. You are extremely lucky!
As I stated in this thread, as of today I actually compromised and offered to pay for her mother to visit us, but now my wife wants a nanny instead. My proposal seemed pretty good: My mother to spend 4 weeks and then my mother in law to spend an additional 2 weeks.
But that's not the point. The wife wants to do this for her parents. Maybe for her, it is her way of saying thanks for coming and spending a few weeks with her and helping out with the newborn infant. On top of it, she is going to have a second child very soon and wants her mother to be there for her. She is asking her parents to come - they are not inviting themselves.
Of course affordability, especially $3k, is always an issue. But if a family can afford it, I honestly don't think this is "outrageous" at all. Also consider that you would typically spend $3k for a nanny for a few weeks of infant care anyway. I'm not equating her parents' visit with a nanny, but pointing out that with 2 children and living alone, it is reasonable to need help especially right after delivery. And "help" costs a great deal of money in a country like America.
You are correct in that my wife initially wanted to do this as a sign of thanks to her parents and that is why I compromised to pay for her mother's ticket and now she just recently changed her mind without even blinking. Her reasoning is that she doesn't want tension in the house with my mother and then later with my in law. Well, I think our mothers have a right to see our newborn and have the joy of taking care of their daughter and newborn, and I'm not gonna take that away. Selfishly speaking, it would be a bit awkward having a stranger in our house, especially when we are this vulnerable. Primal instincts i guess.
As I stated in this thread, as of today I actually compromised and offered to pay for her mother to visit us, but now my wife wants a nanny instead. My proposal seemed pretty good: My mother to spend 4 weeks and then my mother in law to spend an additional 2 weeks.
But that is just 6 weeks. Your wife needs at least 4-6 months help. And the problem is most of the time you are away.
I still recalled that when my babies were born, they woke up and cried every two hours in the night. It lasted for many months after birth. My wife and I took turn to feed the baby so at least we each had 4 hours of sleep.
So after 6 weeks, your wife has to wake up every 2 hours in the night, in addition to take care of the toddler, do all house chores and cooking? How can she manage these tasks? Unless she is a Superwoman.
But hiring a nanny is prohibitively expensive. The best option is after the first 4 weeks, your mom-in-law will take care of your wife and the baby and toddler for the subsequent 3 months (I believer she can have visa free entry to US with maximum of 90-day stay). During that time she can cook some nutritious food for your wife, i.e. seaweed soup, and have bonding time with her grandchildren.
I just now told her that I will pay for her mother's plane ticket. Without even blinking or showing any appreciation, she states well lets just think about it because it might be better for a nanny to be taking care of my wife and the baby. I am beyond disbelief on how spoiled she is... I told my wife about how we didn't have any issue with our first born, but she says she was younger then (she is still very young at 30!!!) and didn't know much about nannies until she started talking with her other spoiled friends.
Look at your harsh words. How sad. Words have power to divide or join toghether.
We have a 3 year old and will have another baby in 8 months. We are fortunate that my wife doesn't have to work but I travel for work Mon thru Thurs for about 3 weeks a month. My mother will probably be available to help my wife for about a month after she delivers our newborn. However, my wife wants to fly her parents all the way from Korea to spend a couple of weeks with us and see the new baby as well.
Her parents are by no means hurting for money. My wife wants to do this just as a token of appreciation. In my mind, it should be almost expected for her parents to fly here on their own to see the baby, especially since they can afford to do so. They certainly did for our first child. I support my mother financially as well every month and she just lives by herself. My wife puts this against me but she knew going into the marriage that this was the case.
Long story short, my wife and I had a huge argument over this and she keeps saying I don't understand due to cultural differences. I am Korean as well but raised in the U.S. I call complete B.S. On her claim of cultural differences. She even stated that some of her Korean friends did this. I told her what we decide to do is our own business. Two plane tickets will cost us almost $3000. My wife ended the argument stating that she will just have to hire a nanny then, which is another BS because it's not like her parents were going to stay here long anyways.
The thing that really frustrates me is that in the past, her 22 year old brother from Korea lived with us for a year and her parents did not send a penny for food, utilities, etc.
Thoughts and opinions?
I'd do it. Just buy the tickets. Think about this. I'm quite sure that if in the future you need help in the form of money her parents would most likely help. This sounds like a give and take situation to me.
And one more thing. I bet your wife is more comfortable with her mom taking care of her after birth instead of your mom taking care of her. Did you ask her about her opinion -- whom does she prefer?
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