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Great post! It's amazing that so many people think that parenting ends at 18. A child's brain doesn't even stop developing until 25...! (The rational part of a teen's brain isn't fully developed and won't be until age 25 or so. In fact, recent research has found that adult and teen brains work differently. Adults think with the prefrontal cortex, the brain's rational part-or at least they should..!)
The thought of throwing the child out at their lowest is a recipe for disaster. It's selfish and immature. The OP is all about a power struggle they aren't acting from a wise parental angle. It's more like "I want to have my way." They're acting more childish than the child.
She is not throwing the child out. This 19 year old "child" is old enough to make his own decisions. Old enough to have a job, to buy and smoke pot. Therefore, he's also old enough to realize if he wants a roof over his head, he has to pay a pittance for rent, keep his room clean, and smoke elsewhere. If that is too difficult for his widdle self to handle, then he has to leave. No one gets to have their life their own way, unless they pay to play. Well, he has that choice.
If you pamper them and give them what they want growing up, you end up with this. If you "just want sonny to be happy" you end up with this. With easy entertainment at hand (netflix, videogames etc.) and widely available pot any loser can be content or even happy with their life if mommy helps pay the bills so his money can be used for amusement. Hopefully this will wake him up, 19 is not too late but she'll see. We aren't supposed to make kids lives as easy as possible for them...
Yeah this happened to my brother. He ended up just like this kid with a pot addiction, thought that since he had a job he didnt need my parents, but of course didnt want to move out and pay rent. My mom spoiled him and it ruined him. My Dad had to kick him out. He cant even be reasoned with now.
I like Sassys parents ideas.
If in fact you cant reason with him to find out where his head is at, I think you can do things like this to drive him out:
Temporarily turn off cable and internet if he depends on it
If you pay for his phone, cut it off.
Give his bed away on facebook marketplace.
Last resort: Box up all his clothes and belongings while hes away, put them in a paid storage locker,
and keep the key until he lets you know he left and shows you a signed lease.
(hopefully he wouldnt get ugly or violent, but he wont have a choice at this point)
A letter warning him would help, include the sheriff in the letter.
I am very sad it has come to this. My son has lived with me since I divorced his dad 10 years ago. It's been very tough as a single parent and Lord knows I have not been perfect but I have done the best I can. He is now 19 and he does have a job.. it's only part time at roughly 25-35 hours per week, he does make good money (primarily in tips).
The issues I am having with him are (1) not helping around the house (2) not paying his rent for the last 2 months (3) smoking pot.
Not helping: His whole life he has had chores. As a teenager I regularly had to keep on him. The last 6 months at least he has been very lazy about pulling his weight and I just can't stand it anymore. 2 months ago I started asking him to clean his room. It's like a bomb went off in there - no joke. I ask nice, I leave post-it's, I text him, I leave letters, I beg him, I yell at him -- nothing works. It's maddening. I can't physically force him to do it and I feel I have tried all other angles. He says he will and never does... he just never gets to it and always has a reason. Same applies to his bathroom. Repeatedly I ask and it took forever before he finally did a half-assed cleaning in there.
Not paying his rent: He probably brings home more than I do, just so you all know, or at least he has the potential to if he doesn't take a bunch of time off. I didn't make him start paying rent right at his 18th birthday but closer to 19. He does not agree but I feel he should not get to live completely rent-free, that THAT is not teaching him about bills in the real world. His rent was $200 and when mine went up, I raised his to $300 + $50 for utilities. I pay all the water, buy food, was helping with his car insurance on a car that I provided with NO car payment (until he bought his own car). He actually has use of TWO bedrooms because he sleeps in the spare room since he outgrew his loft bed. He dirties that one up as well, although not as bad. The last 2 months money seems to have been tight for him, although aside from a couple of speeding tickets which he hasn't had to pay yet, I'm not entirely sure what he has spent it all on. So I cut him a little slack but told him he needs to make an effort.
Smoking pot: In general I don't have a huge issue with marijuana, but when it gets to the point when they smoke daily or it seems like they use it to escape, then I think there's an issue that should be addressed. That's where he is at. He does not smoke in the house, but he smokes it daily and I suspect he drives after having smoked, although maybe not immediately. He will leave to go to his friends house in the middle of the night for a bit, and they smoke there. It's disruptive to my sleep because I hear him and then I worry until he is in safe. He knows he smokes to much and has tried to stop several times but always caves in. He hides it from his girlfriend (somehow)... It's not my thing and I'm just tired of the exposure it and to his USE of it.
On Thursday he was in his room sitting on a pile of dirty clothes talking to his gf. I asked him when he was going to clean his room. He said 'now is not the best time for this conversation' and I said 'I think it's the perfect time for it.' I was actually hoping that perhaps saying it in front of his gf would prompt her to talk some sense into him. It was a short conversation and she ended up putting her shoes on and leaving, followed by him blaming me for making her uncomfortable. What? NO not the case, I asked her later. Just excuse after excuse after excuse.
That night I typed up a 3-day notice to him stipulating he had until Sunday evening to (1) finish cleaning his bathroom (2) clean his room thoroughly (2) contribute something to his past due rent and if he did NOT complete these things he would be out within a month period. 3 days. My email was concise (although with emotion because I'm just distraught we are on such completely different pages).
He ended up doing a little laundry and cleaned his room some - it's at about 50%. He didn't touch the bathroom and didn't present any rent money. He had plenty of off time. I asked him about it briefly and he was stand-offish and pretty rude to me, as if I was asking too much. I decided the next day I would type up a very basic 30-Day notice to move out and have him served by my office, which happens to be the sheriff dept. I wanted a strong male figure (or two) to not just assist me but to also try to talk to him and possibly offer some advice or words of wisdom. I wanted him to know I am serious and am not going to be taken for granted anymore. He wasn't going to open the door and I told him they had my permission to go in if he did not.
This really pissed him off, let me tell you. He sent me a text saying "how can I even call you a mother with this power play" and that I "no longer have a son" and how I am teaching him how NOT to raise his own kids. I don't think he truly means all these things but it really hurts and I am very sad. I don't know what else he expects me to do. Yeah I suppose I could have just posted the notice on both bedroom doors only to have him rip them off and NOT take me seriously rather than having law enf serve him, but I felt THAT would be more impactful. I know I have been too soft and that's why I am in this position, but it's not like he didn't know exactly what I wanted from him and in exactly what timeline.
I hate that there is this awful tension in the house but I have to put my foot down. I have to respect myself enough to not let him walk all over me, even if it means moving him out of the house when he is unprepared. I dislike confrontation and dislike not communicating with him daily and telling him I love him, as the idea of something happening to one of us before we get this all resolved is just a horrible thought. We aren't really on speaking terms though at the moment. It's just all very sad. I guess I am just needing to vent a little and looking for some commiseration. This is very hard.
You did the right thing! He is manipulating you and acting like a spoiled brat. He needs to learn now there are consequences in life. He may be mad for a while but he will likely thank you in a couple of years. And if he doesn't, so bit it. He is 19 and an adult. He had a pretty cushy deal, especially if he isn't going to school full time. Let him see where else he can rent for $350 and have all those perks, and get away without paying on time. Sometimes they just need a little push (or a boot up the a$$) to make the jump to being an adult.
She didn't throw the ADULT out. She gave him an ultimatum. Now the blame lies on him. All he had to do was clean his room, bathroom, and contribute a little money. How trivial that he could not do that but can find the time to smoke pot.
Stop with all the research crap. He is acting like a spoiled brat. One thing I NEVER tolerated was disrespect in my household. He is disrespecting her. Read her initial post.
Quote:
Originally Posted by budlight
I know when I was 18 my parents got on my nerves at times but I realized one thing. Their house, their rules. I did not like it and I moved out. I had some tough times but I survived and so will he.
No hate in my post so you can take that part and turn it on the kid disrespecting his mother in HER house.
When were you 18? The world is much different now. There are things like Internet, social media, and other outlets that can also influence children. I think the mother is disrespecting the kid. Trying to humiliate him in front of his girlfriend. This is the 21st century...children have to face A LOT more today than yesteryear.
Quote:
Originally Posted by carnivalday
She is not throwing the child out. This 19 year old "child" is old enough to make his own decisions. Old enough to have a job, to buy and smoke pot. Therefore, he's also old enough to realize if he wants a roof over his head, he has to pay a pittance for rent, keep his room clean, and smoke elsewhere. If that is too difficult for his widdle self to handle, then he has to leave. No one gets to have their life their own way, unless they pay to play. Well, he has that choice.
Parents aren't perfect and neither are children...! Your post are filled with nothing but hate for this child...yes I wrote child. 19 is nothing...! Just because since a couple of months things haven't gone the OP's way....it's time to throw the son out as if they have no responsibility for their child's actions as well. The OP is in a tug-of-war for power...period! It's his room. If it bothers her so much why go in there? Parents-people must learn to "choose their battles." He's smoking marijuana? Perhaps she should talk with him to see why he feels the need to self-medicate. She probably drives him batty..! Her actions are very childish. She's probably never told the kid she loves him in his short life. Children learn from parents not the other way around...! I feel sorry for him. There are people who treat their pets better...!
Parents aren't perfect and neither are children...! Your post are filled with nothing but hate for this child...yes I wrote child. 19 is nothing...! Just because since a couple of months things haven't gone the OP's way....it's time to throw the son out as if they have no responsibility for their child's actions as well. The OP is in a tug-of-war for power...period! It's his room. If it bothers her so much why go in there? Parents-people must learn to "choose their battles." He's smoking marijuana? Perhaps she should talk with him to see why he feels the need to self-medicate. She probably drives him batty..! Her actions are very childish. She's probably never told the kid she loves him in his short life. Children learn from parents not the other way around...! I feel sorry for him.
I know when I was 18 my parents got on my nerves at times but I realized one thing. Their house, their rules. I did not like it and I moved out. I had some tough times but I survived and so will he.
No hate in my post so you can take that part and turn it on the kid disrespecting his mother in HER house.
Refusing to dispose of materials that could get you as a homeowner in trouble (drugs) would be an automatic out for any child of mine and for that very reason. No exceptions. No second chances.
OP doesn't say where they live, so it might not be illegal in their state... if it were, I'm sure she would have a bigger problem with this aspect. But since she said "I don't have a problem with marijuana," it's likely either legal or decriminalized (as is the case in like half of US states now). Just sayin'.
I know when I was 18 my parents got on my nerves at times but I realized one thing. Their house, their rules. I did not like it and I moved out. I had some tough times but I survived and so will he.
No hate in my post so you can take that part and turn it on the kid disrespecting his mother in HER house.
Exactly, and quite frankly, it was expected and made clear that at 18 and graduated from high school, you were either leaving for college, leaving for the military, or leaving to live on your own. We didn't feel entitled to be supported, living at home, until we were well into our 20s and even 30s! Parents in my generation had no problem pushing the little birds from the nest and expecting them to learn to fly! We were excited to move out and could not wait until we could because we'd been hearing the "my house my rules" and "as long as you live under this roof..." since we were very young. Our parents didn't run a democracy!
When were you 18? The world is much different now. There are things like Internet, social media, and other outlets that can also influence children. I think the mother is disrespecting the kid. Trying to humiliate him in front of his girlfriend. This is the 21st century...children have to face A LOT more today than yesteryear.
Parents aren't perfect and neither are children...! Your post are filled with nothing but hate for this child...yes I wrote child. 19 is nothing...! Just because since a couple of months things haven't gone the OP's way....it's time to throw the son out as if they have no responsibility for their child's actions as well. The OP is in a tug-of-war for power...period! It's his room. If it bothers her so much why go in there? Parents-people must learn to "choose their battles." He's smoking marijuana? Perhaps she should talk with him to see why he feels the need to self-medicate. She probably drives him batty..! Her actions are very childish. She's probably never told the kid she loves him in his short life. Children learn from parents not the other way around...! I feel sorry for him. There are people who treat their pets better...!
I dont know if you have reading comprehension issues, but no one said anything about being perfect. And guess what? It is NOT his room, he is renting that room. Its his mothers room. If she wants it kept clean, thats how it will be. You are skirting around the entire issue, which makes me think you are living in your mommy's basement. Issue a little close to home for you?
I dont know if you have reading comprehension issues, but no one said anything about being perfect. And guess what? It is NOT his room, he is renting that room. Its his mothers room. If she wants it kept clean, thats how it will be. You are skirting around the entire issue, which makes me think you are living in your mommy's basement. Issue a little close to home for you?
If he's renting it it's his room. Just like if you rent an apartment...it's your apartment. If you invite someone over you don't say "come to the apartment I'm renting." You say: "Come over to my apartment." The room he's renting just happens to be in his parent's home. She shouldn't be going in his room period!
I've traveled to over 20 different countries and speak several languages...no, I'm far far away from my mommy's basement. There's no need to act "like a child" and resort to trying to throw insults. Going by many quotes in this thread, I'm finding the adults no more mature than the child. Not only that, the hate being spewed for this child is amazing. Because things haven't gone the OPs way for a couple of months the answer is to "throw the kid out." That's how adults deal with issues today?
When were you 18? The world is much different now. There are things like Internet, social media, and other outlets that can also influence children. I think the mother is disrespecting the kid. Trying to humiliate him in front of his girlfriend. This is the 21st century...children have to face A LOT more today than yesteryear.
Parents aren't perfect and neither are children...! Your post are filled with nothing but hate for this child...yes I wrote child. 19 is nothing...! Just because since a couple of months things haven't gone the OP's way....it's time to throw the son out as if they have no responsibility for their child's actions as well. The OP is in a tug-of-war for power...period! It's his room. If it bothers her so much why go in there? Parents-people must learn to "choose their battles." He's smoking marijuana? Perhaps she should talk with him to see why he feels the need to self-medicate. She probably drives him batty..! Her actions are very childish. She's probably never told the kid she loves him in his short life. Children learn from parents not the other way around...! I feel sorry for him. There are people who treat their pets better...!
Well first I don't agree that children today face a lot more than those in the past. They face different challenges but I don't know if they're more difficult. Second there are 18 and 19 year olds today that enlist in the armed services and are able to function in high stress and combat situations so I'm not sure how asking a 19 year old to keep is room clean is too much to ask. I know 15 year olds who are able to keep their room clean.
OP you're doing the right thing. If you don't take action now he will be in the same place when he's 40. I've seen it happen and it's not pretty. At least at 19 he is young enough to make changes and not have it affect the rest of his life.
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I know 15 year olds who are able to keep their room clean.