Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Well first I don't agree that children today face a lot more than those in the past. They face different challenges but I don't know if they're more difficult. Second there are 18 and 19 year olds today that enlist in the armed services and are able to function in high stress and combat situations so I'm not sure how asking a 19 year old to keep is room clean is too much to ask. I know 15 year olds who are able to keep their room clean.
OP you're doing the right thing. If you don't take action now he will be in the same place when he's 40. I've seen it happen and it's not pretty. At least at 19 he is young enough to make changes and not have it affect the rest of his life.
Children as young as 18 have debt of $20,000+ today due to student loans. There's the Internet that exposes them to the world at the click of a mouse including social media and you claim the challenges are no different today? 18 even 19 are NOTHING but numbers. On paper they are adults in real life...it's a different story. That's why they want them that young in the army because they are more gullible....! Easier to brainwash...! The boy is paying rent for the room...he should be able to keep it how he wants and she should KEEP OUT...! It's not a one-way street. Doesn't he deserve some privacy and respect too? His mother is probably driving him crazy. I'd love to hear his side of the story. The parent should be more mature than the child and know how to "choose their battles." The parent is just as much responsible for this child's condition as he is.
Shouting, screaming, and having a hissy fit to try and get your way accomplishes NOTHING...parents should not be acting this way. Not parents with wisdom anyway. Being a parent is not just about "authority and bossiness." Being a parent is also about "wisdom, unconditional love, compassion, and understanding." If she considers him an adult...then she should speak to him that way and find a way to work-out the situation...not by bullying him...! I would NEVER consider treating a child or any human-being that way. It's ignorant...!
Children as young as 18 have debt of $20,000+ today due to student loans. There's the Internet that exposes them to the world at the click of a mouse including social media and you claim the challenges are no different today? 18 even 19 are NOTHING but numbers. On paper they are adults in real life...it's a different story. That's why they want them that young in the army because they are more gullible....! Easier to brainwash...! The boy is paying rent for the room...he should be able to keep it how he wants and she should KEEP OUT...! It's not a one-way street. Doesn't he deserve some privacy and respect too? His mother is probably driving him crazy. I'd love to hear his side of the story. The parent should be more mature than the child and know how to "choose their battles." The parent is just as much responsible for this child's condition as he is.
Shouting, screaming, and having a hissy fit to try and get your way accomplishes NOTHING...parents should not be acting this way. Not parents with wisdom anyway. Being a parent is not just about "authority and bossiness." Being a parent is also about "wisdom, unconditional love, compassion, and understanding." If she considers him an adult...then she should speak to him that way and find a way to work-out the situation...not by bullying him...! I would NEVER consider treating a child or any human-being that way. It's ignorant...!
The young adult in question obviously did not attend college, so, no loans. He also is NOT paying his rent. Did you actually read the OP? He isn't paying his rent due, he isn't helping out at home, and he's wasting his life getting high. It does appear he considers himself an adult, it does not appear he in any way is acting like one.
Sometimes, the best gift a parent can give is a wake-up call.
The young adult in question obviously did not attend college, so, no loans. He also is NOT paying his rent. Did you actually read the OP? He isn't paying his rent due, he isn't helping out at home, and he's wasting his life getting high. It does appear he considers himself an adult, it does not appear he in any way is acting like one.
Sometimes, the best gift a parent can give is a wake-up call.
Regardless of whether he is attending college or not...many young people today are loaded with debt. Not like the days of yore when a teen got out of high school and found a good job for the next 20 yrs with benefits etc. The dollar is worth less and rents prices are rising. The son hasn't paid rent only for a couple of months. Plus, if she wants to kick-him-out then she has to treat him like a regular tenant and serve an eviction notice. Is it worth it to carry on in such a bullying manner with your child? He has a job. The mother said she didn't mind marijuana...what makes you think he's "wasting his life away?" Perhaps it's the parent that needs the "wake-up call." Just because they are the parent it doesn't mean they are right or the innocent one in this situation. There are some treacherous, vile, and inconsiderate parents out there.
We only know the parent's side of the story. The situation should be handled in a wise, calm, and compassionate manner. You know...like a mature adult and the parent should be an example. Perhaps the best course of action is for him to move...she doesn't have to be a bully for him to do that. In addition, it seems that the parent acts like the child has no feelings. Trying to humiliate him in front of others is cruel. The situation is no one else business (except perhaps his father) she shouldn't be trying to "put him down in front of others and getting others into their business." It's a private affair. I feel sorry for children today with all the confusion going on. Having compassion and understanding doesn't mean a person/parent is weak...it means that the parent can be objective and should put themselves in the child's shoes. Work "with" the child...NOT "against" them. The world will give them enough hard knocks....!
The "logic" of kicking a confused and directionless young man out on the streets escapes me. What good could possibly come of it? If he's not doing well now, what possible good will occur when you add homelessness to his problems?
When people I love are clearly in need of help, I draw them closer. I don't push them away or throw them away.
People who come from the "parent duties end at 18" school of parenting just don't get it. The most difficult time for many children, is the transition between the teen years and adulthood.
This seems like a very bad time to shirk from your parental duties. The OP should realize than most kids who are kicked out of their houses without an education, a skill, or a trade, do not swim - they sink.
At the very least, kids who are thrown to the wolves, never reach their full potential.
People need to grow up. Thats the logic. And the kid is making more money then she is, its well past time he get out. Hes past the difficult part-he has a income. Hes just going to have to rent somewhere else.
You had better file it with the court. This kid isn't going anywhere, unless you've got a court order. Do it with empathy and love. "John, I love you dearly. Living together is not working for me anymore, so I am moving ahead legally to have you move out. But you are always welcome home for Sunday dinner."
(1) not helping around the house (2) not paying his rent for the last 2 months (3) smoking pot.
BTW let me point something out. #1 and #2 are directly related to #3.
He isn't helping because according to you he is smoking pot every day. Hey, dont get me wrong, smoking pot is fun. So is drinking alcohol on occasion. But.....2 issues. Every day is going to be bad for you, whether its pot or alcohol. Being stoned or drunk does not lead to helping around the house. I would say he needs to moderate it some except....
He is young enough that smoking pot damages his brain. He needs to stop for a bit until thats not true. I think thats either 23 or 26. But as a adult in many states that is his decision.
And he isnt paying rent, and is broke because smoking pot every darn day is expensive. Just like drinking can be.
I think being unable to smoke weed every day because he has to pay his own rent will probably be of great benefit to him. He will hopefully moderate it down that he manages to manage his life better.
And then when you are 90, under his care, and you don't do what he says, he can serve YOU with an eviction notice. You will have to learn to obey, or get out to sink or swim. That sounds like a plan, too.
That's one way to go.
But seriously, has he always been this way? Did you address this when he was 14? 15? 16? 17? 18? What makes this year different? If he hasn't always been this way, it's probably a phase. He's feeling rich, with money in his pocket. Life is an adventure. If he has always been this way since he hit his teens, that's on whoever he was living with at that time. If it was you, that would explain his habits & why he doesn't listen to you. Because you established that pattern earlier in his life.
It doesn't sound like you two communicate. I wouldn't kick him out. I would start a once a week talk session with him, giving him life lessons. Explaining what things cost. Flipping through the internet & picking out houses he'd like to own one day, and then discussing how much that house would cost, what kind of income he'd need to buy it. Do the same with cars. Look at house interiors he likes...point out that they don't have clothes on the floor or unmade beds...that's why they look cool & a place he'd like to walk into. Discuss responsibility. You both live there, you have to do certain things, he has to do certain things.
You have to be specific. "Cleaning up the bathroom" is too general. Cleaning up may mean different things to different people. My idea of cleaning the bath is putting away everything from the counters, floors, tub cubbyholes. Cleaning off the counters. Wiping down the toilet and shower/tub enclosure & doors. Wiping around the faucets. Cleaning the mirror. Does not include the floors, except picking up towels.
You don't want to encourage him to be a slob or bum. But he's not 25. He's 19. He is working. He should be working full time. No excuse for not working full time, unless he's going to college. I'd be most upset by that, frankly. He needs to find a focus in life, figure out something to do for a living, a career. Sounds to me like he doesn't know what to do with his life. Kicking him out won't help him w/that, IMO. It will teach him to value a dollar, work more hours, learn what it's like to be poor, how to handle hardship. I know because I went through all that. I'm not so sure that makes a person better or helps with life goals. But he does need to understand the huge advantage he has with his living situation. Maybe go through an exercise where he works out on paper his budget for supporting himself in a cheap apt, to give him an idea of how easy he has it.
Whenever I whined as a kid how unfair it was I had to clean my room or whatever my parents told me "if we wanted to raise vegetables we'd plant a garden. We need you to learn to be independent adult and this is where we start.
At 19 he is not only a man but an adult as well. He'll survive and be fine. Maybe then he will realize what he lost for being lazy. I went off on my own at 19 and I flourished.
At 19 he is not only a man but an adult as well. He'll survive and be fine. Maybe then he will realize what he lost for being lazy. I went off on my own at 19 and I flourished.
+1
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I know 15 year olds who are able to keep their room clean.
