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Old 01-05-2020, 02:18 PM
 
1,637 posts, read 843,580 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
Reading between the lines here, it sounds like grandma has sided with her middle aged son and not advocated for her granddaughter.

And the granddaughter, and the parents of the granddaughter, are understandably very hurt.

Really difficult situation.
Between the lines of whose post? The situation I referred to in my original post does not involve attempted solicitation of a relative. The attempted victim was a stranger. And I think the situation Clemencia referred to is hypothetical, but does happen and must be even more difficult for everyone involved than a situation where the perpetrator and victim are strangers.
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Old 01-05-2020, 02:28 PM
 
6,125 posts, read 2,711,938 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CatTX View Post
No, there was no mistaking the age of the child at all. And no, it is not just idle curiosity on my part.
So he knowingly preyed on a child.

What was the question again?
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Old 01-05-2020, 02:33 PM
 
1,637 posts, read 843,580 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LLCNYC View Post
So he knowingly preyed on a child.

What was the question again?
Yes, he did. And, as you can see by the replies (which I really appreciate, so thank you to all who've taken the time), some people would sever relations, some would not. I know you fall into the former group.
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Old 01-05-2020, 03:01 PM
 
7,124 posts, read 3,362,914 times
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Preface: No,to the line of "absolute" full financial for their entire life. That's just ridiculous to put as the 'norm'.

Love doesn't carry the average conditions. Actually very few when it's the parental bond. We seem to tolerate even unhealthy errors.

I would certainly encourage further group therapy and transitioning after jail time.

I doubt though that my adult child would want to reside in my home as opposed to being with a support home that integrates them back into healthy decision making.

Our worker place hired a felon. He served his prison time and definitely reformed. So I don't always Marr a person or assume tigers don't change stripes. We are transitional.
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Old 01-05-2020, 03:50 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
24,427 posts, read 15,759,714 times
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I am a parent of three adults who are in their forties. I cannot conceive of any of my kids doing the thing the OP posts about. They are fine people.

IF, I were to be the parent of someone who attempted to solicit a minor, I would feel shock and shame. If this person had been in trouble repeatedly before, and had shown little or no remorse, I probably would cut ties. If this person experienced remorse, had no other history of this type of action, I would be supportive. I would want them to seek therapy.

I would probably not want to live with the adult child, for several reasons.
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Old 01-05-2020, 09:19 PM
 
1,212 posts, read 349,534 times
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As a mother you can’t really cut ties ...
Try to get to the bottom of it, he was already judged...Middle-aged: it might have gone for a long time. Was he himself abused?
In short, it depends- are you strong enough to deal with it?

If your child is a sociopath- you might have to cut ties in self preservation

If he has a pedophile sexual drive, but want to stop..? Have to stop in order not to get back...
You and he may need to work with professionals on different measures in rehabilitation/ management of his impulses
It depends how open/ honest/ remorseful/ prepared to take control of his afflictions he is.
He may need the emotional support of someone close to him...It could be you.
Does he have anything else to live for? Was he successful? Enjoyed his work? Did he have a family?

No to “lifetime support”- there are jobs out there, he can get one - Depending on his potential.
One can’t get away from temptations, but learn to take control of oneself- the same as drug addictions.

You, perhaps, could help financially or as a guarantor for his rental, rooming with other people perhaps- but only if the rehabilitation/ therapy/ chemical castration even if his case is difficult- is in process.

So sorry for you. Life could be so cruel ..Hope it is not the worst, and could be fixed somehow
Try to find some hope ... and help...
How soon is he out? It might be helpful to educate yourself first - reading a medical literature

Last edited by Nik4me; 01-05-2020 at 09:49 PM..
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Old 01-06-2020, 12:52 AM
 
Location: colorado springs, CO
6,126 posts, read 2,726,336 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CatTX View Post
If your middle-aged son/daughter was arrested and sent to prison for solicitation of a child under the age of 12, would you continue to have a relationship with them or would you cut them out of your life?

If you would continue a relationship, would you let them move in with you after prison, even though your home address would be listed on the online sex offender's registry since they live there with you? Would you be willing to fully financially support them for the rest of your life since such a conviction makes it almost impossible to find work?
I would be devastated. I also just don't think I have it in me to cut them out.

Should I? I really don't know. Could I? I don't think so. I absolutely would not enable them to pose a risk to children, ever, ever again. But there is a big difference between enabling & disowning. This is purely hypothetical on my part though; I've never been in this situation.

What would YOU 'expect' from the parent if the tables were turned? I would want the same; to not enable. I cannot imagine expecting a parent to disown them.
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Old 01-06-2020, 10:20 AM
 
1,637 posts, read 843,580 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by coschristi View Post
I would be devastated. I also just don't think I have it in me to cut them out.

Should I? I really don't know. Could I? I don't think so. I absolutely would not enable them to pose a risk to children, ever, ever again. But there is a big difference between enabling & disowning. This is purely hypothetical on my part though; I've never been in this situation.

What would YOU 'expect' from the parent if the tables were turned? I would want the same; to not enable. I cannot imagine expecting a parent to disown them.
I don't know either. On the one hand, a crime (even an attempted one) such as this is disgusting and incomprehensible, especially when you never, ever expected the person to do such a thing. On the other hand, should one act erase everything positive that has happened before.
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Old 01-06-2020, 10:50 AM
 
346 posts, read 85,078 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CatTX View Post
I can understand that. Even if the arrest prevented an actual child from being harmed, the intent was there.

There are certain lines one crosses where they will never get back on the other side. This is one of them.


"a" relationship might be possible but not a traditional or preferred one.
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Old 01-06-2020, 11:39 AM
 
1,637 posts, read 843,580 times
Reputation: 7031
Quote:
Originally Posted by anononcty View Post
There are certain lines one crosses where they will never get back on the other side. This is one of them.


"a" relationship might be possible but not a traditional or preferred one.
Yes, it completely destroys trust and changes the way you look at the person and how much you are willing to engage with them, even if the relationship is not severed. Very painful situation.
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