What age is appropriate for son’s girlfriend to sleep over? (punish, play)
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i'll expand on this since this thread has continued for 5 more pages. i think these types of issues become self-addressable when the adulting adolescents become self-sufficient. if they want to have an adulting relationship then they should be adult enuff to maintain their own residence or be able to afford a cheap hotel/motel/holiday-inn. they should be adult enuff to transport themselves or afford a taxi there and back without relying on mommy and daddy to drop them off at a booty call. some rentals require a secure credit card to be on file for incidentals even for cash payers so if they are not financially mature enuff to have an emergency credit card then they probably arent mature enuff for this type of relationship.
these types of life-maturing experiences embolden decision-making and safeguard against poor choices.
do parents really need to know the icky details of what their children are doing with their genitals ? is it really fun having loud sexy time with your parents 30 feet away ? am i really that much of a prude ?
They've only been together for a month? He's 17? Your husband hasn't had the sex talk with him and is of an attitude that he'll just have to experience the consequences of things?
How many red flags do you need?
In general, if your stepson were older, say 22 and finishing up college, I'd say don't make a thing out of it, particularly if he was in a serious relationship with someone.
But your stepson is SEVENTEEN. Let that sink in for a minute. Seventeen. Still in high school. And wants to sleep over with his girlfriend of one month. Not a long term relationship. Not a commitment where you've met her, spent time with her over the course of a year and he's proven that this is long term and is something he's serious about.
One. Month.
And for all the people saying all kids are having sex--you have no idea what is going on in this one month old relationship. She may be hoping you say no. She may not be ready. Sometimes it's actually better for parents to be the heavy, even if kids complain "Gosh, Mom, you're sooo uncool." Their kids may be relieved for the excuse. Personally, and maybe this makes me a meanie, I'd say if the issue is worrying about her driving late... why can't she come earlier in the day and get an earlier start driving home?
You have posted before about your frustrations with financial issues within your family--feeling anxiety about how money is spent on outings to the movies when stepson and his GF of the week spend too much on snacks, when GF of the week gets an ice cream that is too costly, when your stepson wants money for school clothes. If he gets this new flavor of the month pregnant, who do you think will be paying for childcare costs? Your stepson doesn't have a job, right? Doesn't have a car. Your husband will be the one to fork over money every single month for that child's needs since your stepson will be 18 and unable to adequately support the kid he created. I have a hard time understanding how you could get so upset over some candy at the movies and an extra ticket that probably cost $15, or an ice cream, while paving the way for them to hook up in the privacy of your son's bedroom, which could have far more lasting consequences.
They've only been together for a month? He's 17? Your husband hasn't had the sex talk with him and is of an attitude that he'll just have to experience the consequences of things?
How many red flags do you need?
In general, if your stepson were older, say 22 and finishing up college, I'd say don't make a thing out of it, particularly if he was in a serious relationship with someone.
But your stepson is SEVENTEEN. Let that sink in for a minute. Seventeen. Still in high school. And wants to sleep over with his girlfriend of one month. Not a long term relationship. Not a commitment where you've met her, spent time with her over the course of a year and he's proven that this is long term and is something he's serious about.
One. Month.
And for all the people saying all kids are having sex--you have no idea what is going on in this one month old relationship. She may be hoping you say no. She may not be ready. Sometimes it's actually better for parents to be the heavy, even if kids complain "Gosh, Mom, you're sooo uncool." Their kids may be relieved for the excuse. Personally, and maybe this makes me a meanie, I'd say if the issue is worrying about her driving late... why can't she come earlier in the day and get an earlier start driving home?
You have posted before about your frustrations with financial issues within your family--feeling anxiety about how money is spent on outings to the movies when stepson and his GF of the week spend too much on snacks, when GF of the week gets an ice cream that is too costly, when your stepson wants money for school clothes. If he gets this new flavor of the month pregnant, who do you think will be paying for childcare costs? Your stepson doesn't have a job, right? Doesn't have a car. Your husband will be the one to fork over money every single month for that child's needs since your stepson will be 18 and unable to adequately support the kid he created. I have a hard time understanding how you could get so upset over some candy at the movies and an extra ticket that probably cost $15, or an ice cream, while paving the way for them to hook up in the privacy of your son's bedroom, which could have far more lasting consequences.
Why are people acting like this is a sleepover that puts them both in the same bed? That's not the impression I got from the opening post. I don't think OP is asking if it's ok to stick them both in the same room and throw some condoms down on the night stand.
Because this assumptive and antiquated attitude 1) ignores today's reality that not all teens are sexually active and 2) puts incredible pressure on the more than 50% of teens TODAY who say they are not ready and not willing to have sex yet.
People overestimate the attitude of the hook-up culture among this age group, a mindset that can actually cause teens to have sex when they aren't ready. These are NOT GenXers. They grew up with online porn, rising STD rates, and in a culture that placed an emphasis on consent. Many of them are more conflicted than we ever were.
There have been studies that back this up and that counter the attitude that if teens are thinking about doing it or being pressured by a BF/GF to do it, then the responsible thing is to give them all the tools they need to do it as "safely" as possible.
In reality, that approach ignores the kids who are not ready and who are pressured to believe that everyone they know is hooking up, and that even the highest-risk behaviors are acceptable, as long as they are done “right” and the person is willing.
Even the OP said she doesn't think this sleepover idea is as much about sex as it is avoiding a long drive, which is a problem that can be handled in other ways.
Couldn't rep you again
I have to add that I find it disturbing when adults give blanket consent to and enable teen sex in the home. The awareness of sexual activity in the home provides a certain titillation factor which is why protective parents don't have sex when the kids are around. Why would any adult want to have that deep awareness about their own kids? Something to think about, isn't it?
OP, I'm sorry I got distracted by the conversation. Utilize other options. The girlfriend can arrive early in the day, visit, and leave in time to get home at a decent hour. How many other boys' homes is she sleeping over? You have no way of knowing. What are her parents saying? If she must sleep over due to an emergency, she can sleep on the sofa or chair in the family room. Encouraging boundary setting will serve your stepson well for years to come.
Why are people acting like this is a sleepover that puts them both in the same bed? That's not the impression I got from the opening post. I don't think OP is asking if it's ok to stick them both in the same room and throw some condoms down on the night stand.
Probably because some posters here have experiences like this where they started in different rooms but didn't stay there the whole night.
Why are people acting like this is a sleepover that puts them both in the same bed? That's not the impression I got from the opening post. I don't think OP is asking if it's ok to stick them both in the same room and throw some condoms down on the night stand.
The sex factor is implied in the OP. No need to be concerned with where she sleeps or any legal repercussions, otherwise.
Probably because some posters here have experiences like this where they started in different rooms but didn't stay there the whole night.
Those are the same kids who will be having sex under the bleachers, in the bathroom, or the back seat of the car. I'm just put off by the assumption that letting the girl sleep in the house is somehow the same as 'encouraging her son to have sex'. It isn't.
~ I do not see where it is implied in the opening post.
I'm just put off by the assumption that letting the girl sleep in the house is somehow the same as 'encouraging her son to have sex'.
That's where a lot of posters went with their own experiences.
Removing natural barriers, like going home to sleep in your own rooms, is indirectly encouraging them. Because it's not REALLY necessary for her to spend the night. That's not the first order of operations that should be pursued to solve their "problem."
If she doesn't want to drive home late, then she should arrange to visit earlier. If the boy wants to play house, let him rent his own house. Why should the parents assume the financial and decision-making risks of adulthood while handing the kid the perks?
To your point, though, I think that "allowing" kids to have sex in the home means you're just admitting that forbidding it is impossible to enforce. Besides, how will he ever learn to be resourceful?
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