17yr old son, I love him but.... (wife, playing, learning)
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I think, like other people already have stated, that you should detach yourself from your oldest son. I could only imagine how this issue has been taking a toll not only on your physical, but emotional state as well.
Just ignore him and focus on your husband (not the Dbag father) and other two sons. Let your oldest know that if he f123s up, there is always a place for him at your house. Since he wanted to be free, you should let him.
Humm! Give me your opinion on my story, I sure understand yours. Tuff love is a hard one for most parnets to follow. I feel that any child should at some point realize that if he can take care of himself and he lives in your house there rules that must be followed.
My story is about the youngest of 3-boys. Over 2-years ago he left our house because he didn't like my rules. Of course being 16 you know everything and look out. So off to dads he went, didn't take long before he didn't like his rules or step mother either. You know" money for nothing and your chicks for free"! Well almost I guess 2- years later of bounceing from friends and anyone he could get to put up with his B.S. He gets in trouble with stealing and then in trouble for 3 other things he should know by now he shouldn't be doing! Chewing, drinking smoking cigars, you know being a man...so he thinks..?
He wants to move in with us again, first week was wonderful! After that ok... the vacation is over! He thought he ws going to move in and continue his behavior while living in our home. 4-words: sleep, eat, chew, xbox....4-weeks later arguing ever time you speak to him and challenges ever word you say, talks back, swears ever other word especially while playing x-box. Got into several heated arguements about what to do and what not to do. At going on 19 and out of school you need to realize its time to take care of yourself. Been looking for a job...his Mother takes the time to fill out the job apps. while he sleeps or plays xbox.
I have just plan told him keep up the attitude and you won't be driving my vehicle. So I just ignore him at best because its turns intoo an arguement either with him or his mother protecting him. He doesn't do much of anything around the house and if he does its done at the least amount of effort. I was raising old school and paid rent at 18/19 for living at home and owned my first home at 20. Its time to GROW UP! There is a man in there, just can't seem to find him thanks to my wife of 14yrs. Keep in mind he is her child. My question is what gives? Its putting an all ready bad situation into a worse situation for many reasons!
I would love read to ALL posts! Man of the house is falling......how do you find a job if you sleep until 3:00Pm and go to bed at 1:00/3:00am after 7 hrs of xbox...................................?? The answer seems simple...!
I have just plan told him keep up the attitude and you won't be driving my vehicle. So I just ignore him at best because its turns intoo an arguement either with him or his mother protecting him. He doesn't do much of anything around the house and if he does its done at the least amount of effort. I was raising old school and paid rent at 18/19 for living at home and owned my first home at 20. Its time to GROW UP! There is a man in there, just can't seem to find him thanks to my wife of 14yrs. Keep in mind he is her child. My question is what gives? Its putting an all ready bad situation into a worse situation for many reasons!
I would love read to ALL posts! Man of the house is falling......how do you find a job if you sleep until 3:00Pm and go to bed at 1:00/3:00am after 7 hrs of xbox...................................?? The answer seems simple...!
The mom always protecting the errant teen son is VERY common. It used to be that dad would MAN UP to his wife and TELL her that YOU will be handling the situation from now on because HER WAY isn't working. She's pussifying the kid. Time for you step in. So wife wants to fight, let her. Just tell her you'll STILL be handling it from now on. Then kick his azz out again. While he still has all the answers.
I don't want to come across like I am rejecting my son or cutting him out of my life forever. That is not what I meant.
What I mean to get across is that I have suffered the past 3+ years with fear, hurt, disappointment, anxiety, frustration, and all in repetitive cycles, ongoing due to no improvement or change in my son or his demeanor toward me. It has come down to right now, where I have gotten virtually 'nowhere' in my attempts for 3+yrs, to 'repair' our relationship.
Hence the continued attempts throughout the holidays, sharing his fave baked goodies, calling him and inviting him over for dinner, out for icecream, to the mall with the family to go Christmas shopping, all invites turned down or not responded to. Then, the nasty nasty text from him last week calling me the most sordid name.
Three years of tears,intermingled with here and there, almost begging, pleading for him to come home, get along with me, forgive me for what he's mad at me for, therapy to help our relationship, texting him "I love you always and no matter what...." type msgs randomly, things to that effect-have done nothing. No improvement whatsoever.
In fact, I'd go so far as to say, that the past 6 months he's been more distant than ever.
It's very discouraging. I know he's young and boys brains don't stop maturing in this area until 21ish so there's still always hope, but right now, I am quite discouraged.
I don't see any motivation in him that I should be seeing for someone who's almost an adult.....not really pushing for more practice to drive, has yet to hold a real PT job, his grandmother had to drag him to the bank to open an acct so he could learn how to use a debit card....things like that.
He's been screaming for years that he just wants to be free of parents and be on 'his own' and now that he's close to it, he seems ill-prepared.Again, that is on HIM. One day soon, I feel like he'll stop and think, 'hey I can't drive, I am 18 now, I have no car, no $ in the bank...what is going on? where has time gone?'...or maybe not.
It's taken me awhile but I have come around to the fact that I completely instilled the importance of an education into his brain....and now that his gpa is probably under a 2.0, so be it. I can't put a pencil in his hand and MAKE him do his h/work.
His future is in his hands now. I have done all that I can. It's taken me 3yrs to get to this point. He has to suffer the consequences of his actions. That is the only real way for him to learn. Me or anyone talking to him about 'doing the right thing' goes in one ear and out the other. I know he hears me in the back of his head when he needs to, how can I not be there when I raised him for 14+ years!
I think that is why right now, maybe I am feeling guilty for this new detachment I have come around to. It's a healthy detachment for me. I was on my way to an ulcer or breakdown if I didn't begin to let go like I have of recent. Looking back on the last 3yrs...and summing up how patient I have been with him, how forgiving I have been toward his meanness and the fact that here I am, Jan of 2010 and there has been NO improvement, I think it's time for me to step back. I need this and my family here needs this.
I do and will always unconditionally love my son! But, I don't have to LIKE him all of the time. If and when he is ready to come back here and/or resume our relationship in a positive direction, I will be ecstatic and with arms open! I have told him this many times over the past year. He knows this. He knows I adore him. I have even gone so far as to apologize to him for anything that I did as his mother over the years, to hurt him! Though he still chooses to rehash certain things.He just chooses to hold onto some negatives! He certainly did NOT inherit my very forgiving nature.
Thank you all for the responses, I appreciate each and every one of them. Oh, for the one who wanted to know why he was allowed to go to the dads. We were not ever married so custody is not established. At 14, he has/had the right to go and live with the other parent. Added to that, he threatened repeatedly that if we made him come back here, he'd run away again....and again. Added to that, the dad welcomed him with open arms, added to that, if it were to go to court, the judge would've, at his age of 14+, let my son choose where he wanted to live.....
p.s. you are all amazing.
You can only change what you can change and you can't force love or affection from him. You're right to let go, move on, pull back.
He may feel, and that feeling may be reinforced from his father, that he is forced to choose between the parents. That's often the case when the parents have animosity between them, the kids believe they must choose one side or the other. Dad and his girlfriends may be adding fuel to this for their own reasons.
There may also be some manipulation going on with him, the colder he is, the more you give him so it's time to just accept he's with his dad, and let it be.
Whatever the family dynamics, no parent has to accept emotional abuse. For that reason, you have a right to stop contact and if he makes contact, make sure he's respectful enough to you.
I don't have kids, so I don't have a ton of input other than one thing: he'll come around. Just don't lose hope in him...eventually he'll "grow up" and your relationship will improve. At this point though, you may need to cut ties with him financially. He's almost 18--a big boy.
The only thing I will say, however, is realize that he may be distancing himself from you because he feels that he doesn't have much in common--personally speaking--with you. His ungrateful behavior is unacceptable, however I wouldn't "tally up" the time spent with you and hold it against him. I know I don't really spend much time with my family (I'm much older than your son) and I know they probably resent me for it, however it has nothing to do with my lack of care or love for them.
OP...it hurts.....Oh God it hurts worse than just about anything in the world. I know how you feel because I've walked in your shoes. Hubby and I were/are together when this all happened, but the attitude and behavior you talked about?..yep...been there, done that. The best thing you can do is say, "This isn't about me. This is about him, decisions he's making, self-loathing, wanting to be treated like an adult, but wanting to be treated like a kid." They just don't KNOW! If you treat them like adults, they get ticked off because you're expecting too much from them. Treat them like kids, they're ticked because you're treating them like they're little kids.
The abuse he's dishing out to you? Oh no ma'am. You let him talk to you like that and he's going to hate you for it. I see that kind of crap all the time these days...kids cussing their parents out and calling them names, and the parents standing up for them, "Oh they don't really mean it. They're just upset." Upset, smutzet.....you need to be the one hanging up that phone when he starts talking to you like that. If he texts nasty, mean, name calling stuff to you...you text him back and let him know you WILL not put up with his abuse....then shut off your phone for a while. If he talks to you like that in your house, you need to say, "You WILL not talk to me like that, either knock it off or leave. Your baking stuff for him after he ABUSES you, is reinforcing his abusive behavior. Look at what you're teaching him. Abuse me and I'll work harder to win your affection.
You need to always let your son know that you love him, but you DO need to protect your other kids. His acting out, believe it or not, is his way of getting attention from you....since you're busy with your other kids. By letting him get to you, you are letting him "steal" the attention away from your other kids. You need to let the other kids see that, although you feel bad for the choices he's making with his life, you are NOT going to let him destroy your life, your happiness, and your family. He's just going to have to work through this stuff. Good luck to you....I feel your pain. I nearly let it kill me when my oldest son was going through this crap years ago. Once I said, "It's not my fault, I have tried to do the best I could. He is making these choices because he doesn't understand where they're leading him. I have to let go and let him learn from his mistakes....and just pray that he'll be safe." Again......good luck and hang in there!!
Another one for the OP....and others going through the same thing. Remember this...your child is telling you the truth when they say, "I would even talk to you if you weren't my mom/dad", "You wouldn't be someone I'd have for a friend." duh! At this stage in their lives, kids are NOT likely to associate with someone who isn't going to agree with everything they say. These kids are not going to make friends with people who disapprove of their stupid decisions and irresponsible behavior." They seek out kids (and older kids "not adults") who will join them in their reckless and disrespectful behavior. Good parents see what a child's behaivor is doing to them and see where it's leading. They see how it's going to damage their future. They KNOW they are probably going to greatly regret their behavior and it's going to be depressing for them. As parents, that KILLS us, because we don't just care for our kids NOW....we will love them forever. We really DO care what happens to them, now and in the future. They don't understand that the friends they're hanging out with don't LOVE them...don't really care WHAT happens to them (it's not their problem). Take it as a sign that they DO know they're making the wrong choices, when they say they'd never have you for a friend. LOL Unfortunately, they don't have any REAL friends......just accomplices.
Another one for the OP....and others going through the same thing. Remember this...your child is telling you the truth when they say, "I would even talk to you if you weren't my mom/dad", "You wouldn't be someone I'd have for a friend." duh! At this stage in their lives, kids are NOT likely to associate with someone who isn't going to agree with everything they say. These kids are not going to make friends with people who disapprove of their stupid decisions and irresponsible behavior." They seek out kids (and older kids "not adults") who will join them in their reckless and disrespectful behavior. Good parents see what a child's behaivor is doing to them and see where it's leading. They see how it's going to damage their future. They KNOW they are probably going to greatly regret their behavior and it's going to be depressing for them. As parents, that KILLS us, because we don't just care for our kids NOW....we will love them forever. We really DO care what happens to them, now and in the future. They don't understand that the friends they're hanging out with don't LOVE them...don't really care WHAT happens to them (it's not their problem). Take it as a sign that they DO know they're making the wrong choices, when they say they'd never have you for a friend. LOL Unfortunately, they don't have any REAL friends......just accomplices.
You've hit the nail squarely on the head.
I was NOT my teenage kids' friend! I was their DAD. They were NOT my peers. They were/are my children. Now that they're in their 20s, I'm now their friend (again).
Too many parents are trying too hard to be "besties" with their teenage children, but that's not what their children need.
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