17yr old son, I love him but.... (stepdad, teens, stepfather)

[rebelson]

My son is 17..I raised him here with his stepdad and he has 2 little 1/2 siblings whom love him dearly. I do believe he loves them too, you can see it....

Since he was 14, he has left this home atleast 3 times for anywhere from 6months to 1yr stints. To live with his dad, whose maturity level is about on par with my sons....though he is 41. He dates 21yr olds. He does not monitor my son. He has many troubles of his own. He is self-consumed.
My son last left here in May. Has not spent one night here since. Won't even come to visit us. Says I am not someone he'd have as a friend if I weren't his mother. Is very mean to me every chance he gets. Demeans me. Hangs up on me. Does not thank me when I do things for him like I just spent $200 on new rx glasses for him to wear at night in between taking out his contacts...now he won't even go with me to pick them up...he needs to be there so they can be fitted to his eyes! So, the paid-for glasses sit, at Sears. It's going on 2wks.

He has an IQ of 120. But no common sense. Has been in trouble with the law. Has awful judgment, no foresight whatsoever. He used to be way advanced in maturity, now in his late teens, he's significantly regressed and is way immature than he used to be. Whereas my other teen nephews were the opposite, immature as younger boys and now really maturing, isn't that how it should be?

I have had him in numerous therapist offices, he wasted the time in every one. The therapists eventually said it's no use. Had him on Lexapro, he showed some improvement, but then went back to live with his dad for the 3rd time in May and quit the Lexapro saying his dad 'didn't believe in it' and also that it 'decreased his libido'!!!

I have cried bucket fulls of tears over this boy. But now, I am angry. I feel detached from him. I love him, but I don't like him at all. Over the holidays, I baked a lot and EVERY TIME I baked something new, I'd bring him over a plate full. We gave him a ton of gifts. A week after Christmas, he told my mother that I am not someone he'd ever have for a friend. He has said this before. Why the meanness? Why did he have to state that? Again? Is this ever going to end? I was not a perfect mother but who is? I did the best I could with what knowledge/skills I had at a young age! I gave him love and security! So did my husband! His dad was MIA and now that he's back in the picture and son living with him, the dad is not giving him love! He's barely around!

His temperament is very stubborn, argumentative. Btw, he's close to failing 11th grade, even though he's gifted. It's hard to not fail classes if you don't do any work and skip class randomly. He's intensely 'into' the social scene. He is very popular at school but is known around school for being rebellious and a 'bad-boy'. The only 'healthy' thing that I know of, that he does regularly, is go to the local gym and work out, he's very into that. But, probably cuz it helps him look even more handsome for the girls.

Because of his argumentative temperament, he was challenging at times, to raise.

He has been tested and has ADD and I strongly feel he also has ODD. Based the s/s of ODD and some/many of them, he exhibits.

My family is highly educated. He's had that exposure. He has the capability of being anything he wants if he just tried. He never brought home a C until 9th grade. Extremely intelligent. He has a college fund that I paid for, but now with his failing HS grades, he's ruined the chance to get a Bright Futures scholarship which is like 'free' college $$ if only the student can maintain a 3.0 avg thru HS, he has RUINED THAT OPPORTUNITY. He has no car, does not have his official DL yet, and no $ saved for a car. He will be 18 in less than 8 months!!! AN ADULT!!!!!!

He's basically mad at me for being a 'mother'. Monitoring him, requiring accountability, doing homework, introducing me to his friends...But his dad is cool cuz he's a 'detached' dad. My son has actually called me a bi**h for making him have a bedtime when he was a younger boy, of 9pm!!! Yes, he's mad at that! Says his friends didn't have such a bedtime!

Am writing this as I feel angry now. I feel like he is not my son anymore. I don't like the way I am feeling....I love him but I feel like I am giving up on him. What can I do from afar? I can't mentally take it anymore. If I never called/texted him, the only time he'd call/text me, is if he NEEDED something.

He has shunned us all over here. Me, his stepfather who was like a real dad to him, and his siblings. He won't come visit, nothing. He won't stay on the phone longer than 30 secs with me. If I have something at length to tell him, and try to delay the call, he will, with no hesitation, hang up on me. Boom, gone. Dialtone.

If I find out that he's doing something he shouldn't be, like last example, drinking in the dad's apt w/friends, and I text him about it, about how he shouldn't be and how that is 'risky/dangerous'....he will respond by cursing at me, calling me awful names in a text. He did that about a week ago, your jaw would drop if you read that text, and since then, after how kind and patient I have been, and having raised him for 14+ yrs to the BEST of my ability.....crying buckets full of tears over him, I AM MAD.

I am disgusted. I wish him well in life, but could care less if he ever talks to me again. I have been abused by him. OVER AND OVER. It's evil. He is on a bullet train to a hard beginning in life. He has had positive exposure, love, good family on my side and even on his father's side (minus the father).......and he is choosing to ruin whatever chance for a future at college or even a good 'trade'school, that he had. He is choosing to dump this family here, me, his stepfather and his little innocent siblings, on the side of the road. It seems like, without even turning back. What do his little siblings truly think/feel? (they are too young to express this)

He knows full well, that what he is doing now, putting social before EVERYTHING, BEFORE FUTURE BEFORE FAMILY- is not going to get him anywhere! He has been told by me, his dad, his grammy...that his friends he is hanging out with, who are on the same path, could give a rats arse about him and where he is headed. But, he is still putting them first.

I had to get this off my chest. I feel detached, almost completely and have never felt this strongly negative about my son, before. So, it's a new feeling, and it's a scary feeling.

But, I guess it's a defense mechanism. And it's taken me forever to get it kicked into gear.

I would say, as an estimate, that the # of hours in total, combined time, that my son has spent with 'us' since he left in May, would not exceed ~5hrs.

YES, THAT IS TOTAL. COMBINED. SINCE MAY 2009.

I am mad. I wish him the best. That is what I have come to........

Thanks for listening. Any input or experience with this would be greatly appreciated.

[bellalunatic]

It sounds awful and it also sounds like you need to feel this way, and that's fine. There's a level of mothering, and then there is a level of self -preservation.
You need to concentrate on your other kids and your husband and do not let this teenager back into your lives for a while.
Cut him off. He may turn around eventually, but you don't need him to bring you and your family down with him.
If he feels his dad is more of his 'friend' then fine, so be it. You are his mother, not his 'friend', and sometimes even mothers need to take care of themselves and their family members who at the very very least respect your existence, and in fact, love you and show you that they do.
This boy of yours needs to be left alone, tell him that you will not be able to be available for his abuse any longer, that you love him, but need to protect yourself from all the pain he is causing you.
Hang in there.
I hate the term "tough love" but this is what it is.

[Omaha Rocks]

Cut him loose - and that includes financially! What you are doing, at this point, is enabling his continued horrible behavior.

And though cutting him loose is no guarantee of success, you also have to take care of yourself, your husband, and your other children.

I'm afraid we all know that this boy is headed for a world of hurt! He may very well end up spending his entire adult life in prisons and penitentiaries. But as hard as it is going to be to let him suffer the consequences of his own choices and behavior, you cannot let him destroy you as well.

The sooner you start, the better.

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by rebelson

My son is 17..I raised him here with his stepdad and he has 2 little 1/2 siblings whom love him dearly. I do believe he loves them too, you can see it....

Since he was 14, he has left this home atleast 3 times for anywhere from 6months to 1yr stints. To live with his dad, whose maturity level is about on par with my sons....though he is 41. He dates 21yr olds. He does not monitor my son. He has many troubles of his own. He is self-consumed.
My son last left here in May. Has not spent one night here since. Won't even come to visit us. Says I am not someone he'd have as a friend if I weren't his mother. Is very mean to me every chance he gets. Demeans me. Hangs up on me. Does not thank me when I do things for him like I just spent $200 on new rx glasses for him to wear at night in between taking out his contacts...now he won't even go with me to pick them up...he needs to be there so they can be fitted to his eyes! So, the paid-for glasses sit, at Sears. It's going on 2wks.

He has an IQ of 120. But no common sense. Has been in trouble with the law. Has awful judgment, no foresight whatsoever. He used to be way advanced in maturity, now in his late teens, he's significantly regressed and is way immature than he used to be. Whereas my other teen nephews were the opposite, immature as younger boys and now really maturing, isn't that how it should be?

I have had him in numerous therapist offices, he wasted the time in every one. The therapists eventually said it's no use. Had him on Lexapro, he showed some improvement, but then went back to live with his dad for the 3rd time in May and quit the Lexapro saying his dad 'didn't believe in it' and also that it 'decreased his libido'!!!

I have cried bucket fulls of tears over this boy. But now, I am angry. I feel detached from him. I love him, but I don't like him at all. Over the holidays, I baked a lot and EVERY TIME I baked something new, I'd bring him over a plate full. We gave him a ton of gifts. A week after Christmas, he told my mother that I am not someone he'd ever have for a friend. He has said this before. Why the meanness? Why did he have to state that? Again? Is this ever going to end? I was not a perfect mother but who is? I did the best I could with what knowledge/skills I had at a young age! I gave him love and security! So did my husband! His dad was MIA and now that he's back in the picture and son living with him, the dad is not giving him love! He's barely around!

His temperament is very stubborn, argumentative and he doesn't have much common sense. Aside from his book smarts. Btw, he's close to failing 11th grade. He's intensely 'into' the social scene. Because of his argumentative temperament, he was challenging at times, to raise.

He has been tested and has ADD and I strongly feel he also has ODD. Based the s/s of ODD and some/many of them, he exhibits.

My family is highly educated. He's had that exposure. He has the capability of being anything he wants if he just tried. He never brought home a C until 9th grade. Extremely intelligent. He has a college fund that I paid for, but now with his failing HS grades, he's ruined the chance to get a Bright Futures scholarship which is like 'free' college $$ if only the student can maintain a 3.0 avg thru HS, he has RUINED THAT OPPORTUNITY. He has no car, does not have his official DL yet, and no $ saved for a car. He will be 18 in less than 8 months!!! AN ADULT!!!!!!

He's basically mad at me for being a 'mother'. Monitoring him, requiring accountability, doing homework, introducing me to his friends...But his dad is cool cuz he's a 'detached' dad. My son has actually called me a bi**h for making him have a bedtime when he was a younger boy, of 9pm!!! Yes, he's mad at that! Says his friends didn't have such a bedtime!

Am writing this as I feel angry now. I feel like he is not my son anymore. I don't like the way I am feeling....I love him but I feel like I am giving up on him. What can I do from afar? I can't mentally take it anymore. If I never called/texted him, the only time he'd call/text me, is if he NEEDED something.

He has shunned us all over here. Me, his stepfather who was like a real dad to him, and his siblings. He won't come visit, nothing. He won't stay on the phone longer than 30 secs with me. If I have something at length to tell him, and try to delay the call, he will, with no hesitation, hang up on me. Boom, gone. Dialtone.

If I find out that he's doing something he shouldn't be, like last example, drinking in the dad's apt w/friends, and I text him about it, about how he shouldn't be and how that is 'risky/dangerous'....he will respond by cursing at me, calling me awful names in a text. He did that about a week ago, your jaw would drop if you read that text, and since then, after how kind and patient I have been, and having raised him for 14+ yrs to the BEST of my ability.....crying buckets full of tears over him, I AM MAD.

I am disgusted. I wish him well in life, but could care less if he ever talks to me again. I have been abused by him. OVER AND OVER. It's evil. He is on a bullet train to a hard beginning in life. He has had positive exposure, love, good family on my side and even on his father's side (minus the father).......and he is choosing to ruin whatever chance for a future at college or even a good 'trade'school, that he had. He is choosing to dump this family here, me, his stepfather and his little innocent siblings, on the side of the road. It seems like, without even turning back. What do his little siblings truly think/feel? (they are too young to express this)

He knows full well, that what he is doing now, putting social before EVERYTHING, BEFORE FUTURE BEFORE FAMILY- is not going to get him anywhere! He has been told by me, his dad, his grammy...that his friends he is hanging out with, who are on the same path, could give a rats arse about him and where he is headed. But, he is still putting them first.

I had to get this off my chest. I feel detached, almost completely and have never felt this strongly negative about my son, before. So, it's a new feeling, and it's a scary feeling.

But, I guess it's a defense mechanism. And it's taken me forever to get it kicked into gear.

I would say, as an estimate, that the # of hours in total, combined time, that my son has spent with 'us' since he left in May, would not exceed ~5hrs.

YES, THAT IS TOTAL. COMBINED. SINCE MAY 2009.

I am mad. I wish him the best. That is what I have come to........

Thanks for listening. Any input or experience with this would be greatly appreciated.

I understand that you've been hurt and are lashing out because of it.

But don't reject your son to protect yourself. He still needs you, and will for years to come - he just doesn't know that right now. But if you reject him now he'll never come back to you when he realizes how much he wants you in his life.

Where would we all be if everytime we hurt God, or rejected him, he turned his back on us? Well, he doesn't turn his back on us, and this is how we should treat our children too - he is our example. You have a right to feel upset, just be careful how you chose to display those feelings, okay?

I am wondering WHY you continued to let him go back to his father when you knew what a bad influence he was? Is it because you had no choice - the court ordered it or something? The kid is undisciplined and unruly because of it - he is a product of that environment now - don't blame him for that. LOVE HIM ANYWAY - that's the only thing that's going to save him now.

[steelstress]

Let him go. He's too close to 18 for you to do anything to "save" him anyway. He wants to be away, fine, let him.

When he does come to you for something, tell him NO, and remind him how much he doesn't need you. Then invite him for Sunday dinner. Stand up for yourself but let him know he's invited to visit. DO NOT tolerate his crappy treatment from you.

All you ever need to to say to him is "No. Come over for Sunday chicken dinner."

[thinkin about it]

Originally Posted by Omaha Rocks

Cut him loose - and that includes financially! What you are doing, at this point, is enabling his continued horrible behavior.

And though cutting him loose is no guarantee of success, you also have to take care of yourself, your husband, and your other children.

I'm afraid we all know that this boy is headed for a world of hurt! He may very well end up spending his entire adult life in prisons and penitentiaries. But as hard as it is going to be to let him suffer the consequences of his own choices and behavior, you cannot let him destroy you as well.

The sooner you start, the better.

Disagree. I was a pain in the ass to a degree that it made this kid seem like a straight and narrow dweeb. Through continued love and support, I turned it around in a big way. This is a 17 year old boy, not a 30 year old living in the basement.

I know it seems horrible now, but the truth is that many families keep these kinds of struggles internally; you'd be amazed how many kids- kids who will be winners at the end of the day, not headed to prison- are much, much more difficult. Everyone grows at different levels; we're all just a collection of experiences, after all. Besides, perspective is needed: the kid is showing some dissonance and avoiding interaction with mom and dad, not mutilating cats ala Dahmer for god sakes. It seems hurtful in the moment I'm sure, but alas it's just not that big of a deal big-picture. He's growing as a man, figuring out what "future" means to him through experience, not what his guidance counselor told him. This is the sign of growth, not regression.
I don't think there is an easy answer here, other than to continue to show him love. The toughest thing about caring for another is that ultimately, the individual needs to see things and experience things personally for it to manifest into anything concrete in his or her psyche.

When he is inevitably considering doing something really rotten that could ruin him, remember that the little glimmer of his parents love in the back of his head will still ring if you show it. It's not a guarantee to be sure, but he undoubtedly subconsciously still yearns for your acceptance, even if he poses as the complete opposite.


High-five, mom. Everything will be fine.

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by thinkin about it

Disagree. I was a pain in the ass to a degree that it made this kid seem like a straight and narrow dweeb. Through continued love and support, I turned it around in a big way. This is a 17 year old boy, not a 30 year old living in the basement.

I know it seems horrible now, but the truth is that many families keep these kinds of struggles internally; you'd be amazed how many kids- kids who will be winners at the end of the day, not headed to prison- are much, much more difficult. Everyone grows at different levels; we're all just a collection of experiences, after all. Besides, perspective is needed: the kid is showing some dissonance and avoiding interaction with mom and dad, not mutilating cats ala Dahmer for god sakes. It seems hurtful in the moment I'm sure, but alas it's just not that big of a deal big-picture. He's growing as a man, figuring out what "future" means to him through experience, not what his guidance counselor told him. This is the sign of growth, not regression.
I don't think there is an easy answer here, other than to continue to show him love. The toughest thing about caring for another is that ultimately, the individual needs to see things and experience things personally for it to manifest into anything concrete in his or her psyche.

When he is inevitably considering doing something really rotten that could ruin him, remember that the little glimmer of his parents love in the back of his head will still ring if you show it. It's not a guarantee to be sure, but he undoubtedly subconsciously still yearns for your acceptance, even if he poses as the complete opposite.


High-five, mom. Everything will be fine.

EXACTLY. Don't EVER give up on your kids - sometimes you are their only hope

[DubbleT]

You sound understandably very hurt.
Your DS sees you as the "bad parent", the disciplinarian, expecting responsibility and accountability from your him, and he doesn't want that right now. His dad is seen as the "good parent", giving him lots of freedom, no responsibility, a kids dream come true.
As far as not being someone he'd be friends with, that's probably a good sign at this point. Friends make lousy parents, just look at your ex.

Originally Posted by rebelson

Btw, he's close to failing 11th grade, even though he's gifted. It's hard to not fail classes if you don't do any work and skip class randomly...
My family is highly educated. He's had that exposure. He has the capability of being anything he wants if he just tried. He never brought home a C until 9th grade. Extremely intelligent. He has a college fund that I paid for, but now with his failing HS grades, he's ruined the chance to get a Bright Futures scholarship which is like 'free' college $$ if only the student can maintain a 3.0 avg thru HS, he has RUINED THAT OPPORTUNITY. He has no car, does not have his official DL yet, and no $ saved for a car. He will be 18 in less than 8 months!!! AN ADULT!!!!!! ...
If I find out that he's doing something he shouldn't be, like last example, drinking in the dad's apt w/friends, and I text him about it, about how he shouldn't be and how that is 'risky/dangerous'....he will respond by cursing at me, calling me awful names in a text...

This is the course he's chosen, so let him run it. When he makes bad decisions, let him suffer the consequences and don't agonize over it. It's very hard to stand by and watch, but sometimes that's what it takes for kids to learn, all the lecturing in the world just doesn't work, they have to discover things the hard way for themselves.

Originally Posted by rebelson

Does not thank me when I do things for him like I just spent $200 on new rx glasses for him to wear at night in between taking out his contacts...now he won't even go with me to pick them up...he needs to be there so they can be fitted to his eyes! So, the paid-for glasses sit, at Sears. It's going on 2wks...
Over the holidays, I baked a lot and EVERY TIME I baked something new, I'd bring him over a plate full. We gave him a ton of gifts...
He has a college fund that I paid for...
If I never called/texted him, the only time he'd call/text me, is if he NEEDED something.

Ugh, no! If he chooses to live with dad, then he is dads responsibility, dad takes care of his needs or he does without, that is the choice your son made when he left. (Okay make an exception for health issues like meds, but you get the point) Christmas gifts and homecooked goodies? Not unless he makes the effort to be a part of the family first.
Why should he be conciliatory towards you, he can apparently treat you like dirt and you still pursue a relationship with him. Step back, tell him you still love him, let him know he's welcome in your home, continue to issue invitations and then drop it it. Let him take the initiative to keep a relationship going if that's what he wants. I think that eventually the boy will realize that dad is not "all that and more" and will realize that mom is the one he can actually depend on.

Originally Posted by thinkin about it

but he undoubtedly subconsciously still yearns for your acceptance, even if he poses as the complete opposite.

I totally agree. Give it some time, I think you'll see a change.

[Hopes]

I'm in the don't-give-up-on-your-kid camp. You need to step away with love. Let him make his own mistakes. Be there to help pick up the pieces when he comes to you. Don't judge him. Just tell him that you love him when he's nasty.

The most intelligent children can be the biggest challenges. Don't look at him as a loser for not doing well in school. Success isn't always in a college degree. Step back and think about that. I can understand your thinking he wasted his opportunities. But there is nothing wrong with someone being a carpenter if that's what makes him happy. Rent the movie "Good Will Hunting" and watch it. I think it's a relavant movie for the disappointment you're feeling for your expecations of what your son should be doing with his life.

That's the disconnect. Your son wants to forge his own path and find himself. He'll need to make mistakes. He is almost an adult so it's time to step away and let him do that. But you should never give up on him. You should never write him off. You should always love him. Stop being conditional.

I bet it would blow his mind if you told him that you have decided that you will support his decision to do whatever he wants with his future. That you will still love him and you will still enjoy his company even if he choses a different path from the one you have chosen for him.

His saying that he wouldn't pick you as a friend isn't as nasty as you think. He's saying that you're family, not a friend. And he's saying that because he knows that you don't approve of his decisions and he doesn't fullfill your dreams. Friends accept one another with their flaws. I remember my son saying something similar, although not as nasty. He said once, "If you were my age, we wouldn't even be friends." He was telling me that he thought I would disapprove of the direction he was about to take in his life----knowing that it wasn't the direction I anticipated and expected. I stepped back and let him find his own path. Granted, this all happened without dramatics and without his getting into any trouble.

I'm just trying to say that his saying that he wouldn't pick you as a friend is his way of saying that your relationship isn't supportive of him. You FEEL you have been supportive because you've done everything you could to keep him on the track you want. What he really wants is for you to be supportive of him finding his own path. The more you push, the more he will rebel. And the last thing this kid needs is a reason to rebel.

If I were in your position, I'd send the step father to take him out for lunch and have a talk with him----let him know that he's there for your son when your son decides what he wants to do with his life and that he'll support him in whatever decision he makes after he's gotten this all out of his system. You'd be AMAZED how powerful that stepson/stepfather relationship is. Your son does care what he thinks. And he needs to know this man is truly a father to him. If your husband tosses your son aside, it will validate everything your son always believed---that he didn't really love him as a son.

[Obrero]

I think a kid (yeah 17 going on 18 is still a kid) needs to know there is someone who unequivocally loves them and has their back; regardless of how crappy they have acted in the past. But right now it's time for you to step away (not permanently) from this relationship.

I would write him a letter so he can read it when times get tough for him (and they will). Simply state you love him, miss him and that he is welcome back in your life anytime he wishes to be respectful. However, you can't allow yourself to be abused by him so you wait patiently for him to make that choice.