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Sucks? Are you kidding? You just gave yourself the upper hand. Enjoy it.
He's silent now because he's dumbfounded. He wasn't able to walk all over you. To him, he thinks you gave him the finger. And that's a good thing. He may just learn a little bit of respect now.
thanks. I smiled when I read your comment.
The grandma, who is pretty much taking my place right now, since son left me, well she is obviously tired of being in my role. Plus, her own son, the father, is useless and she is basically 'taking care of him too'.
Now she's emailing me saying she's 'been invited to live with her dtr in Ga and is considering it' and she goes on to say that if this happens, that her own son, the father, will be unable to take care of MY son....so basically what she is saying is that she'd be booting him back here. Only he DOESN'T WANT TO BE HERE AND HE DOESN'T BEHAVE APPROPRIATELY AND IF SHE DID THAT, HE'D BE HERE AGAINST HIS WILL! She said that the apt that my son and his father is living in, and that SHE is paying everything for, will be 'no more' as of August. If she does not end up going to GA right now, and closes up the apt, she will likely let her son (and probably my son too) live with her at her home. But the 2 were there before the apt was leased and she leased it cuz she couldn't take the both of them in her house anymore!
She also (and the father said he's doing the same) said she's been telling my son often how he needs to make amends with me and apologize, and his response is "her and I are fine.." WE ARE NOT FINE. This just goes to show how he does NOT want to correct things with me!
What if she closes up that apt and tells my son that he has to come back here in August? He turns 18 in Sept but at that time, he will be in his senior year of HS and must pass! So he'll be an adult, but not really!
My son is really mucking things up and so is his father, the father is such a burden on the mother (yes HER fault) that she is ready to FLEE!
What a mess. I don't know if y'all can eve follow this story....
p.s. forgot to add, I was at my mother's yesterday and son called her, probably to see if he could 'clean' for some $. So she ended up telling him that I was there and said 'do you want to talk to your mom'? and his response was "naw, that's ok, apparently she says that her and I 'aren't talking'" and then he got off the phone. My mom started to cry, she felt bad for him but I told her she knows better......does that sound like manipulation on his part?
thanks. I smiled when I read your comment.
The grandma, who is pretty much taking my place right now, since son left me, well she is obviously tired of being in my role. Plus, her own son, the father, is useless and she is basically 'taking care of him too'.
Now she's emailing me saying she's 'been invited to live with her dtr in Ga and is considering it' and she goes on to say that if this happens, that her own son, the father, will be unable to take care of MY son....so basically what she is saying is that she'd be booting him back here. Only he DOESN'T WANT TO BE HERE AND HE DOESN'T BEHAVE APPROPRIATELY AND IF SHE DID THAT, HE'D BE HERE AGAINST HIS WILL! She said that the apt that my son and his father is living in, and that SHE is paying everything for, will be 'no more' as of August. If she does not end up going to GA right now, and closes up the apt, she will likely let her son (and probably my son too) live with her at her home. But the 2 were there before the apt was leased and she leased it cuz she couldn't take the both of them in her house anymore!
She also (and the father said he's doing the same) said she's been telling my son often how he needs to make amends with me and apologize, and his response is "her and I are fine.." WE ARE NOT FINE. This just goes to show how he does NOT want to correct things with me!
What if she closes up that apt and tells my son that he has to come back here in August? He turns 18 in Sept but at that time, he will be in his senior year of HS and must pass! So he'll be an adult, but not really!
My son is really mucking things up and so is his father, the father is such a burden on the mother (yes HER fault) that she is ready to FLEE!
What a mess. I don't know if y'all can eve follow this story....
p.s. forgot to add, I was at my mother's yesterday and son called her, probably to see if he could 'clean' for some $. So she ended up telling him that I was there and said 'do you want to talk to your mom'? and his response was "naw, that's ok, apparently she says that her and I 'aren't talking'" and then he got off the phone. My mom started to cry, she felt bad for him but I told her she knows better......does that sound like manipulation on his part?
I think you have to try your best to be open and available to your son while allowing him to make his own choice. it will take years of him growing up or at least experiencing life on his own terms to be able to see you for who you really are. relax, hope for the best result to his choices.
let him know you are there for him but on your terms. tell him he is an adult and you will do what you can for him but you are limited in what you will do. define what you are comfortable with and offer no more.
help him with without feeling used and manipulated.
the most important thing is that you have a long term relationship with him. help in a way that results in growth on his part. he will be a different man in 5 years and perhaps if you can regain your trust of one another, your influence over these next years, combined with what he will experience, will teach him education, honesty and hard work will get him farther than another path.
I'll answer your question - yes, that does sound like manipulation to me. The good news is that you aren't falling for it anymore. Not dropping everything and running to school to retrieve his cell phone was masterful. Stay strong and stay the course. You cannot run to his rescue or be his personal ATM machine any longer. He's made the choice to live with his father and his father needs to be his primary caretaker now.
If he calls you talk to him, invite him to dinner and family gatherings, tell him you love him, but do not give him money, let him use you, or disrespect you. Do not go out of your way to do anything for him or contact him. Let him ie in the bed he's made for himself. Concentrate on your husband and other children. He will have to learn how life really is and realize that mommy is not going to bail him out. These are hard but necessary lessons and now is the time for him to learn them. If he doesn't learn now he will turn out like his father - an immature, narcisscistic, irresponsible, pararsitic user who lives off of his mother.
So she ended up telling him that I was there and said 'do you want to talk to your mom'? and his response was "naw, that's ok, apparently she says that her and I 'aren't talking'" and then he got off the phone.
My mom started to cry, she felt bad for him but I told her she knows better......does that sound like manipulation on his part?
Yes. He's trying to make you look bad and placing all the blame on you for the lack of communication. At the same time he is NOT taking advantage of the opportunity to talk to you that is being offered. He won't talk to you, but it's your own fault, that's what he wants you ( and his grandmother) to think.
Quote:
Originally Posted by rebelson
What if she closes up that apt and tells my son that he has to come back here in August? He turns 18 in Sept but at that time, he will be in his senior year of HS and must pass! So he'll be an adult, but not really!
My son is really mucking things up and so is his father, the father is such a burden on the mother (yes HER fault) that she is ready to FLEE!
What a mess. I don't know if y'all can eve follow this story....
This is a little confusing, not exactly sure what you're asking but... If I were in your shoes... I'd be telling the boy that he made his decision to live with dad and that is that. Dad doesn't get to just give him back to you because DS has become inconvenient either. Wherever dad goes to live DS goes also. If dad bails out on the kid then DS can stay with a friend or relative for a month until he's 18. Then he's on his own.Tell him that you're not okay with him using your home as a boarding house whenever it suits him.
Then when you've got the boys attention with that conversation, offer to let him stay with you if it's necessary and only if he agrees to your terms. Then be prepared to back that up. If he decides to stay with you (and if he's got nowhere else to stay he probably will) and he does not live up to what he agrees to, out he goes. He chooses whether he stays with you by his behavior, make sure he knows that because if it comes to that point, he would most likely try to guilt you by saying you are choosing to throw him out.
As far as his "must pass" high school this year, that is really a tough one because you can't force him. He needs to realize on his own how important that is. He might not come to that realization in time, some kids don't. He may wind up finishing high school over the summer and graduating late. He might have to get a GED. But he has to be the one to choose, and to live with the results of his choices.
My DD has mad some choices that I think have made her life more difficult, so I understand how hard it is to watch your child make mistakes and not want to save them from themselves. When people talk about "tough love" I think it refers to how tough it is on the parent, not so much on the kid.
You just described everything that my husband (step-father) and I are going through. It is uncanny it really is.
I really appreciate you for sharing your exprience because there are days when I feel like we are the only parents that are going through this. We too have exprienced the same things that you and your family have.
He use to be such a good kid, never any problems but 4 years ago we moved and 3 years ago the problems started. He was 14, did grade 8 no problem then went into grade 9 and then everything went wrong. He started skipping classes, walked out of classes just didn't go. And we had no idea until parent/teacher night (because we were at work when all of this was happening). He started becoming beligerent with me and his sister to the point that his sister at 15 had to move out and go to school somewhere else and she did good so I don't believe it is environmental.
We have done nothing but show him love and caring attention, but there have been times since all of this started that the frustration has run pretty high and things get said, but do I think that they have influenced how he thinks no, I do not.
He is not stupid - he has been tested and shows average to above average intelligence but the last grade fully completed was grade 8. So how is he going to survive in life with that level of education.
Two years ago (after being in grade 9 for the 2nd year I took him to a therapist because I thought that he might be ADD or ADHD so they suggested Ritalin which we put him on with no success only nightmare situations...he became aggressive, unruly started cutting. This is a really long story. Then it was suggested that he had anxiety issues so we put him on another medication with no success. Then about 9 months later he ended up in the Phyciatric ward for a month they stabilized him but he was only home for about 2 weeks and the immaturity reared its ugly head once again. He doesn't know right from wrong, you constantly have to tell him things over and over to get him to do it. He does not do things on his own. Right now he is not going to school and not working (he is now 17) but thinks nothing of asking for smokes, thinks that the things that he does around the house during the day (basically nothing) should be rewarded with money and smokes.
Just before he landed in the Phyc ward we took him camping and it all went sideways. My husband had gotten a free dirt bike (older model) but ridable all the same. Thought that taking our son out camping and having the dirt bike to ride would be a pretty cool thing to do. For some reason he didn't think so, he ended up calling his sister and I names I will not repeat and then he went for a ride on the dirt bike. Well it was almost an hour later and I said to my husband you need to go look for him (because our son does not have life skills). So him and our daughter went looking for him while I stayed at our camping spot. An hour later they showed up, I was terrified to look and see if they had found him, but I dared to look back and I didn't see the dirt bike in the back of the truck so I thought the worse, then I noticed that the back passenger door opened so I knew that they had found him. But guess what, they didn't find the dirt bike, the only thing that our son could say was that he crashed and couldn't remember where he crashed. To this day we have never found it. And did we get angry with him...no
So many things lost in our house, so many doors broken into and I have cried many tears too. I am at a bit of an impasse not sure what help to get for him. I just see many years of me crying or forking out money because he is hungry but will buy pot or alcohol instead. He sold his PS3 for $50 so that he could buy a pack of smokes and a bottle - that was when he was 16.
We have done all the therapy that I think that we can do for him, he has to be willing. I just don't understand. We too come from a healthy background of working for a living, providing, paying our bills and he just does not seem to get it. He left in October and went to visit some on-line girls that he had met on facebook and was gone a month but they didn't like him much once they got to know him...and that's how I feel some days...I don't like him most days, but I love him, he is my son. I don't have a clue how to change this.
Show him love by continuing to call him or send him cards or texts or emails OCCASIONALLY, but cut him off financially. He needs to understand and respect your boundaries. Under NO circumstances should you allow him to verbally abuse your or show you disrespect, especially around your other children.
I would suggest clearly laying out the rules in your relationship - basically that he will not be allowed to abuse you without there being immediate and consistent ramifications. You are doing too much for him - you are basically begging him to love you. He needs to RESPECT you first and foremost. Until he does so, you will have to accept - and actually ENFORCE - distance between the two of you.
If you don't teach him healthy boundaries, he will go on in life and in future relationships with women with this attitude of disdain and cruelty.
Over the holidays, I baked a lot and EVERY TIME I baked something new, I'd bring him over a plate full. We gave him a ton of gifts WHY?
You can never buy your way out of this. I love the idea of a letter to him for him to read and think about. Calm and simple. There truly is nothing else you can do right now but let him mature. He is thinking he is way smarter than those around him (pretty typical for many teenagers).
But all the reaction you are giving to him in emotion is just proving you are still involved in the argument and available to abuse.
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