Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I'm praying now that the boy, having used her to get what he wanted, will now go on to his next target.
You don't know that this is what happened. She may have wanted it just as much as he does. They boy is not always the aggressor. As a parent of boys who have been aggressively pursued by teenaged girls I can tell you that there is an equal chance that she was the aggressor.
I'm sure she's feeling that they need to stay together because they've had sex. Unfortunately, that does explain her behavior. When they've broken up in the past, she hasn't been so desperate to get back with him. In fact, she was happier when they broke up. Now, she's calling him instead of him calling her. This is a clear indication that something changed.
I agree that there has been a change but it certainly discounts your idea that he is the predator. If all he wanted was sex he would keep the girl that was willing to give it to him.
I wish she'd come clean on this. It would make it easier to explain to her why he no longer wants anything to do with her and why she should be glad he's out of her life. Any boy who would use her like this isn't worth having in her life but she doesn't get that. He got what he wanted.
I don't understand this reasoning. If all he wanted was sex why would he give it up once he got it? That makes no sense. She is STILL good for sex. Maybe their teen romance just ran its course.
Hopefully, he stays gone. My fear is he'll come back for seconds if he can't find what he wants somewhere else and that she'll give in thinking she can get him back. Unfortunately, she's committed a part of herself she can never take back to him.
So what are you going to do to make sure she does not have this opportunity after school? Now that this boy is gone (hopefully for good) there will always be another boy.......
I am not putting all the blame on the boyfriend. I do, however, consider him more culpable because he is older. If she were a year and a half older than him, I'd consider her more to blame. It's like a car accident. The party who bears most of the blame gets charged even if the other person is partially at fault. She is only 14. He's 16. I think there is a difference between the decision making ability of a 14 year old and a 16 year old. I don't think my daughter is old enough to make this decision. Legally, she cannot consent. If she can't consent, then sex cannot be consensual.
If you truly felt this way, you should have never allowed her to have a relationship with this boy before they even had a chance to have sex. You are responsible for what happened. You knew this boy was almost 2 years older (supposedly because you've escalated the age difference throughout the thread) than your daughter, you shoud have never allowed her to have a relationship wtih him from the very start on the grounds that he was too old for her. The boy is not a predator. He's a normal teenage boy. You dropped the ball. Now it's time to get the focus off of him and focus on your daughter.
Quote:
Originally Posted by grimalkinskeeper
I do not appreciate anyone here calling my daughter a ****. Period. I don't think that is appropriate for a support board even if it is in the context of "others will call her a ****". How is it, remotely, helpful to say that?
Perhaps they are trying to give you a heads up if you didn't already know that the word is definitely out there that your daughter is having sex. (Afterall, someone told you about it so it's pretty naive for you to think that the boys she goes to school with don't know because the parents are usually the last to know about these things.) When everyone hears they are no longer in a relationship, other boys will be interested in her because they know she already had sex. The girls who are popular with the boys are always the ones who have sex at an early age, and that hasn't changed for generations.
I personally am trying to warn you that ending this relationship isn't going to be the end of this. It's short sighted of you to think that. You came here wanting help to avoid your daughter getting pregnant. Part of that is helping you realize that it's not just about this ONE boy. Now that your daughter is having sex, this is going to be an ongoing battle for you. This isn't going to be the first boy she thinks she loves. She's a normal teenage girl.
THAT'S why I recommended that you hire a housekeeper so someone is home to supervise your daughter in the afternoons. You didn't even acknowledge my suggestion. You either want to protect your daugther from getting pregnant or you don't. Supervision is the first step.
I wish she'd come clean on this. It would make it easier to explain to her why he no longer wants anything to do with her and why she should be glad he's out of her life. Any boy who would use her like this isn't worth having in her life but she doesn't get that. He got what he wanted.
I don't understand this reasoning. If all he wanted was sex why would he give it up once he got it? That makes no sense. She is STILL good for sex. Maybe their teen romance just ran its course.
The mother is playing with fire with this line of reasoning. Telling the daughter that he only wanted her for sex will backfire. The OP must think that it will prevent her daughter from having sex with other boys. But it's not going to work that way. It's going to teach her daughter that the only way to have a boyfriend is to have sex. BIG mistake.
The OP would be better off acknowledging that the two children had a teenage crush that ran its course. She should focus on all the other reasons to not have sex: disease, pregnancy, reputation. She needs to help her daughter learn that there is a different love out there from the teenage crushes. And there are going to be many more crushes because they are almost always short winded. That way she might have a chance of having her daughter hold out and not have sex until she's in a truly serious relationship.
If the mother doesn't want her daughter to get pregnant, she needs to teach her about safe sex. And she needs to be strongly supervised during the 1-1/2 hours after school.
^^^ I agree above poster. The OPs daughter clearly needs more supervision. A 14 y.o. having sex? Dating? Having a boyfriend around to have sex with? I'm sorry, and I see it all the time.....WHY are these 14 year olds allowed to be alone and have steady boyfriends at this age!? It's too young!!
[quote=beachmel;12794738WHY are these 14 year olds allowed to be alone and have steady boyfriends at this age!? It's too young!![/QUOTE]
While I am not saying that the original poster is this way, I've seen an alarming number of parents who PUSH their kids towards the opposite sex. My daughter is in 1st grade and I was volunteering in her class last week with another parent of a boy that my daughter is friends with. The mom said, "Oh Bryce said he wants to marry your daughter...isn't that cute?" Well, no actually, it's not. Her son has much older siblings who are in high school and if they are trying to push his feelings towards my daughter in a way other than merely being friends in elementary school, it's not only inappropriate but alarming. He gives her notes, gave her a valentine's day card, shares his lunch with her and plays "marriage" at recess. The good news is that his parents are moving out of state this summer, but I still find it alarming. In no way am I pushing my daughter towards feelings that she doesn't have at age 7.
So what are you going to do to make sure she does not have this opportunity after school? Now that this boy is gone (hopefully for good) there will always be another boy.......
That, at the moment, is a problem, however, even if I quit my job, she could still find opportunity, if she wanted to, so I'm not sure what the solution is here. Short of going to school with her and tailing her 24 x 7, I can't make sure she doesn't have opportunity. If the hours between 2:10 and 4:30 were the only hours I had to worry about, we could figure something out but they are not. There are 24 hours in a day and she could use any of them including the ones when she's supposed to be in school.
I am, however, considering quitting my job. It will mean neither of my children goes to college but that would be the lesser of the evils if one gets pregnant. However, I'm not sure I could stop that even if I do quit my job, which makes it a difficult decision. Yes, the risk is greater if I keep on working but the risk is not eliminated if I quit. I see no way to eliminate it short of hiring a body guard to be with her 24 x 7.
Last edited by grimalkinskeeper; 02-07-2010 at 10:59 AM..
While I am not saying that the original poster is this way, I've seen an alarming number of parents who PUSH their kids towards the opposite sex. My daughter is in 1st grade and I was volunteering in her class last week with another parent of a boy that my daughter is friends with. The mom said, "Oh Bryce said he wants to marry your daughter...isn't that cute?" Well, no actually, it's not. Her son has much older siblings who are in high school and if they are trying to push his feelings towards my daughter in a way other than merely being friends in elementary school, it's not only inappropriate but alarming. He gives her notes, gave her a valentine's day card, shares his lunch with her and plays "marriage" at recess. The good news is that his parents are moving out of state this summer, but I still find it alarming. In no way am I pushing my daughter towards feelings that she doesn't have at age 7.
We did not push her. We, simply, realized we could not stop her. We felt it was better to have the relationship out in the open and encouraged him to come here rather than them to meet somewhere or her to go to his house. I'm not sure we would have had any different outcome had we forbade the relationship. She was already meeting him when out with her girlfriends when we found out.
I would have preferred she not be involved with the opposite sex at all at this point. Once she found a boy she liked, it was either accept it or forbid it and had we done that, I'm pretty sure we would have pushed them into secret meetings and it would have ended the same way.
I'm really not sure what parents can do to stop teens from having boyfriends/girlfriends. Honestly, all kids need to do is skip class to be together then get home before parents and delete the message off of the answering machine from the school. It could be report card time before parents realize something is amiss and they may not realize it then since students often do miss a few times for legitmate reasons. I know students skip my classes and get away with it. I can't check up on every absence but I alert the office when I see them.
You make it sound like all teens are horny little leaches. Some are, but kids are not having sex in the bathrooms and all over the school (although I'm sure some have).
No, if you read my previous posts, I was merely responding to those parents who say "everyone's doing it so you just need to get your daughter on the pill" and another poster who mentioned that there are girls at his school who are doing it in the bathrooms. In no way am I condoning it! Teenagers are horny little people, but just like with everything else in life, acting on every impulse will lead you into a lot of unpleasant circumstances. The 14-year old girls having sex in the bathroom in between classes are girls who are searching for something that they think sex will provide...they're not doing it for the enjoyment.
Like your daughter, I had a few friends who had lost their virginity by the time they graduated from high school, but I didn't and neither did the majority of my other friends. We weren't geeks, we had boyfriends, we went on dates, etc.
No, if you read my previous posts, I was merely responding to those parents who say "everyone's doing it so you just need to get your daughter on the pill" and another poster who mentioned that there are girls at his school who are doing it in the bathrooms. In no way am I condoning it! Teenagers are horny little people, but just like with everything else in life, acting on every impulse will lead you into a lot of unpleasant circumstances. The 14-year old girls having sex in the bathroom in between classes are girls who are searching for something that they think sex will provide...they're not doing it for the enjoyment.
Like your daughter, I had a few friends who had lost their virginity by the time they graduated from high school, but I didn't and neither did the majority of my other friends. We weren't geeks, we had boyfriends, we went on dates, etc.
What are you? a church preecher from the 1940s?
"Don't dare to talk about the taboo and imprison the girl for a couple of years!"
Yeah right thats gonna be realistic...
14 year olds got mtv, internet porn, see movies with all kinds of crap in em, by this age they really have seen just about EVERYTHING
Besides if she's really having sex with that guy, they're gonna find ways to do it no matter how controling you are as a parent. For all you know they could be skipping school if they had to.
And how would anyone be sure someone doesn't get alone with their boyfriend? hell last summer my sisters friend from out of town and her husband was at my sisters place, together with 5 others in a not so big apartment(we were having sort of a get together), and I still managed to have sex with my sisters friend, and her husband didn't find out until months later, and my sister still doesn't know.
If 2 people want to get alone they will find ways. period.
I don't see how there is any other option than having a good talk, trying to prevent things from happening by "not allowing it" is equal to straight up allowing it in my eyes.
I could well be a preacher from the 1940s. Society changes, but morals do not.
The OP can limit her contact with her boyfriend, and thus her chance of pregnancy, by taking a few steps. Like calling her from work when she gets home, and in 20 minute intervals from thereon. If she fails to pick the phone up, then the girl will be in trouble, perhaps a few of her privileges taken away. Or she can invite the grandmother over to supervise her during her 1.5 hours of freedom.
Last edited by tvdxer; 02-07-2010 at 11:15 AM..
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
