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But I feel like that would not be sincere. I would be pretending to smile at people when in actuality I could not care less about them.
This is concerning because being angry or depressed shouldn't necessarily mean you don't care about anyone. I've been depressed in the past and to a certain extent, it does make one more self absorbed but I still cared about my friends and family. Honestly, it sounds like you have a personality disorder that goes deeper than just being unhappy. I am not a mental health professional but it almost sounds like you're a sociopath.
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Honestly, the only thing that makes me feel good is drinking. I have two or three drinks every day after I get off work, and then drinks on the weekends when I don't go to work. But I've been accused of being a mean, aggressive drunk.
Then you're also an alcoholic.
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I've contemplated suicide off and on since I was about 12 years old or so, just never had the balls to do it. Now I'm in my late 20s and I find that nothing really makes me happy. Even though I have a good job, decent apartment, etc. I still feel the need to lash out at people, and have little regard for them. I find my temper hard to control sometimes, and it's really, really difficult for me not to physically hurt people sometimes when I get angry at them.........I know I shouldn't be like this, but the feelings are really overwhelming sometimes.
All I can advise is that you seek professional help because no one on a internet forum is going to be able to help you.
I would commend you for having the courage to admit all this but I fear it's only because you don't care enough about other people to care about what we think of you.
But please, please get some help...you are a suicidal alcoholic with violent urges. Get help before you wind up in jail or dead.
Getting a professional help would be the best thing you could do to help yourself find a solution for what it is you are going through right now. It will help you trace as to why and how you've became like this. And from then, I believe you'll be able to decide to change the behaviour that you used to have and eventually change your life afterwards.
Being happy within, is something that not most people could experience, but still the decision is yours, either you decide to change and experience what happiness means or stay that way until it's too late.
Whatever you do, be aware that many counseling therapies are based on theories that don't work for everyone (CBT is a case in point), so if at any point you are uncomfortable with your therapist (or feeling worse), get a new one. DO NOT become dependent on your therapist.
I suffer from depression too, but I don't have issues with anger. If I were you, I would work on the anger issues you have as they are obviously causing issues with you forming relationships with other people.
Can you pinpoint why you get angry? Are you unable to talk about your feelings or do you think that no one would take you seriously if you did? You can't go through life bottling things up.
Pathology of the nervous system? I'm not a psychiatrist, but a consultation with a neuropsychiatrist may prove to be a wise investment of your time and money before you spend an inordinate amount of time scrabbling around for some psychological solution.
Don't do this all alone and don't dismiss yourself as having some sort of character disorder. Seek out the best help possible and then proceed from that point.
Last edited by Seadory; 11-02-2013 at 12:15 PM..
Reason: spelling
Pathology of the nervous system? I'm not a psychiatrist, but a consultation with a neuropsychiatrist may prove to be a wise investment of your time and money before you spend an inordinate amount of time scrabbling around for some psychological solution.
Don't do this all alone and don't dismiss yourself as having some sort of character disorder. Seek out the best help possible and then proceed from that point.
Yes, I agree with this. There are probably as many reasons for depression as there are people who suffer from it. Find out if there is a physical cause first, and this would surely not be disclosable to your employer. If you do end up needing "talk therapy" then I would first ask the provider about how he or she guards your privacy, because those people are supposed to do just that. If you don't feel safe speaking to someone, then go to sessions on your own dime.
I am going to be sort of hard on you here--sorry. I think you are making excuses for not seeking help now. And yeah, the drinking isn't helping. You are self medicating, and if you continue down that road, you could end up with worse problems.
But I want to believe that you can make progress with a lot of determination. You DO want to be better than you are. So, take some constructive action.
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