"Where I am from?" is a potentially offensive question (marriage, adult)

[HappyRider]

Originally Posted by MihailTheViking

I think in many instances the question "Where Are You From?" is loaded. y.

You complain about the question but I am sure you yourself wonder about it when you come across someone who you think is a "foreigner." We are all curious. Some ask, some don't ask. What's the problem with answering, or not? If you are trying not to be put in a box, I would think if someone has to ask you that question, you have already put in a box. Not answering it is not going to help.

[HappyRider]

Originally Posted by Treasurevalley92

One time a gentleman for whom English was clearly his second language told me "Richardson, TX." I'm not sure if he misunderstood the question or if he didn't want to tell me where he was from, but I just accepted it and moved on.

If I was born in Poland, lived in San Francisco for 30 years and now visiting New York City, I would not go through my life history to say where I was born. I would say I am "from" San Francisco.

[MihailTheViking]

The thing is not only I hate being treated as less than equal. It also hurts me to get reminded of the past. Of the abuse I suffered by the schooling system there, my emotinally distant mother and verbally and physically abusive father. I have good memories too but all were before high school. H.S. was hell ditto for college where I was bullied as well. I had no one to help me when everyone was mocking me and talking about that place reinforces the pain. Yes such a great place. Wonder why I don't want to go back?

[kokonutty]

Originally Posted by MihailTheViking

The thing is not only I hate being treated as less than equal. It also hurts me to get reminded of the past. Of the abuse I suffered by the schooling system there, my emotinally distant mother and verbally and physically abusive father. I have good memories too but all were before high school. H.S. was hell ditto for college where I was bullied as well. I had no one to help me when everyone was mocking me and talking about that place reinforces the pain. Yes such a great place. Wonder why I don't want to go back?

So this is really about your past, not about someone innocently making conversation by asking where your past lies.

[Jean-Francois]

Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life

Frankly, you will make it worse with this ^^ kind of defensive attitude.

Most people are just interested and trying to get to know you, not trying to deport you. So take advantage of the opportunity to build a bridge, not a wall and educate them in a friendly way instead of a combative way.

I agree with this, aside from encountering someone who's obviously from the U.K. when on vacation somewhere, and in making conversation, asking them where they're from back home, the only times I ever ask that question is if I come into contact with someone with an accent that I'm unsure of.
e.g., a counter clerk in a store, or supermarket, dry cleaners etc., even then it's just mild curiosity, maybe I can say hello/goodbye in their language, and we can smile about it.
I once had a refrigeration engineer come to our house to repair the ice-maker in the freezer, he looked vaguely Mediterranean, and had a slight accent, he turned out to be Algerian.
We ended up discussing soccer in French, his wife was Spanish and an Atlético Madrid fan, whereas he followed Olympique Marseille of France.
This was just as the 2016 Euros soccer tournament was beginning, and we both agreed that France was capable of winning it, they lost 1-0 in the final, to Portugal.
We both poo-pooed England's chances, and sure enough, they had their a*s kicked by Iceland, which was the equivalent of Tibet beating the U.S. at baseball.
We both enjoyed our discourse, but if I hadn't asked, "Where you from?", the conversation would have gone something like, "Would you like a coffee, or cold drink?" or, "If you need anything, just ask."

[steiconi]

I routinely get this question when I go into the touristy part of town.
I reply, deadpan, with the name of the town where I live. The asker is usually embarrassed.

[ocnjgirl]

Originally Posted by HappyRider

If I was born in Poland, lived in San Francisco for 30 years and now visiting New York City, I would not go through my life history to say where I was born. I would say I am "from" San Francisco.

I don't think anyone would ask you where you were from unless you still had a Polish accent. I don't see people being asked to explain where they were born when they have no accent.

[nurider2002]

Originally Posted by Anconnor89

People are likely just trying to make conversation and show an interest in you. People are curious by nature, doesn't make it offensive, not everyone is out to get you

I would like to ask people whom I assume are from a different culture based on appearance and accent simply because I am curious about other cultures, people's backgrounds and other countries. I find it sad that it is not appropriate to do so because so many feel racism, bigotry or just intrusiveness is at issue. I think this actually facilitates more alienation between communities. As I have gotten older I will admit, I am LESS knowledgeable about what is politically correct and what is considered offensive. I have a friend who is utterly unapologetic when he meets someone from a different culture and will ask what many would consider a racist question, e.g., he once said to a Korean man, "are you offended if someone thinks you are Chinese because I cannot tell the difference?" I was mortified but my friend said, "how can I learn if I don't ask?" I thought his point was valid but, it seems people are "expected" to know what is offensive to everyone and frankly, I feel clueless much of the time. I wish I could ask my dry cleaner, who has the most beautiful accent where she is from but, I don't because I don't want to offend her. And I get that, being a white man, I cannot begin to appreciate the discrimination that many other ethnicities and races experience daily. Still it would be nice if I could engage folks from different backgrounds to learn about them without offending people. For me it's just another example of how segregated we all remain. Sad.

[tailsock]

Jeez. If your sensibilities are too fragile to engage with curious outsiders maybe you should stay home. People just aching to be offended by anything these days.

[oh-eve]

Originally Posted by MihailTheViking

The thing is not only I hate being treated as less than equal. It also hurts me to get reminded of the past. Of the abuse I suffered by the schooling system there, my emotinally distant mother and verbally and physically abusive father. I have good memories too but all were before high school. H.S. was hell ditto for college where I was bullied as well. I had no one to help me when everyone was mocking me and talking about that place reinforces the pain. Yes such a great place. Wonder why I don't want to go back?

Nothing you state here is your home countries fault. Why are you so ashamed of it? People are just curious, they wanna know where you come from, why do you want to feel insulted by that?


I have not had the greatest upbringing and bullied and what not - same thing. However, I don't mind telling strangers where I come from. As soon as they hear my accent, they ask. It is a natural thing, get over it. I look different, I speak differently - of course people ask!