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You live in Oklahoma City. I agree that OKC is probably more small-minded than many other cities that size, but I cannot imagine that there aren't some like-minded people there. I live in a small metro in Tennessee about 1/7 the size of OKC and there are quite a few gay friendly businesses/churches, a gay bar, etc. It's not great for gay dating because it's small and there simply aren't as many options, but it's not the nightmare you seem to be going through.
Cut your parents out and move on. You're not living there. It doesn't sound like they are paying your bills. They may, at some point, at least be cordial with you and accept the fact that you are gay. One of my cousins just came out as lesbian at 19, and though my uncle doesn't like it, he's still doing things with her and hasn't cut her out. You have been more than fair with them.
You need a better job. I remember what the "problem" is from your previous posts, and it is really not all that bad. More money to throw at it would go a long way. You need to pound the pavement in better cities. You may very well come up with an opportunity that pays enough to meet all your financial obligations. Until you can exit OKC in an orderly fashion, you need to make the best of your time there, cutting your parents and other negative influences out, and finding a better social group to make the remaining time there more tolerable.
What field are you working in? Could you possibly find a smaller, less expensive more liberal city to move to in the interim as a stepping stone to the larger and more expensive cities that you mentioned wanting to live? Somewhere that is comparable to the cost of living of where you are at now.
If you get out of Oklahoma, you will have the distance from your parents to live your own life without always watching over your shoulder or worrying about info getting back to them via the rumor mill. Your parents are never going to accept your orientation or life choices in that direction but, if you can build a strong career and get some distance, maybe if you keep quiet about being gay when interacting with them and have other topics to converse with them on (career, hobbies, etc.), you could still maintain some sort of connection. I'm not saying to lie to them if asked but, knowing how they are, don't volunteer the information. It's kind of like an agree to disagree because you will never see eye to eye and sadly I get the impression that they will never have an eye opening moment of acceptance toward that part of your life or being.
Please try to stop thinking of those 10 years as a waste. Life isn't a race... usually, people don't want to get to the finish line quickly!
Those 10 years gave you valuable insight into who your parents are, who you are, and how you want to go forward with the rest of your life. Pain fuels growth. It's manure, but we all know what that does for a garden.
Make your plan. Stick to your plan unless something better comes along. Surround yourself with people who understand. Focus on the present and the future.
What field are you working in? Could you possibly find a smaller, less expensive more liberal city to move to in the interim as a stepping stone to the larger and more expensive cities that you mentioned wanting to live? Somewhere that is comparable to the cost of living of where you are at now.
If you get out of Oklahoma, you will have the distance from your parents to live your own life without always watching over your shoulder or worrying about info getting back to them via the rumor mill. Your parents are never going to accept your orientation or life choices in that direction but, if you can build a strong career and get some distance, maybe if you keep quiet about being gay when interacting with them and have other topics to converse with them on (career, hobbies, etc.), you could still maintain some sort of connection. I'm not saying to lie to them if asked but, knowing how they are, don't volunteer the information. It's kind of like an agree to disagree because you will never see eye to eye and sadly I get the impression that they will never have an eye opening moment of acceptance toward that part of your life or being.
The problem is that liberal cities are usually expensive. I live in Tennessee. Nashville is blue, but is $$$$. There are some parts of other cities that are purple, but not as expensive.
OKC is not some tiny backwater nowhere. I really don't think the OP is putting that much effort into finding a life that is more comfortable for him. I live one town over from my hometown, and still work in my hometown. I was away from the area for about five years, and many of my long-term friends have themselves moved off or have full lives with kids now. I've basically started completely over with a new circle of friends. I also spend a lot of weekends in Asheville, NC, which has a transient population and there is always something going on there.
If I didn't want to, I wouldn't have to associate with my family here. There is no reason the OP has to keep associating with his.
I'm not living with my parents. Their hold on my life currently is more mental. They had complete control over my life down to policing my social media all the way until I was 30. I made my Facebook profile a little more private and ended up having a pretty big fight with them over that. I stood my ground though. I've made a lot of progress over the past year. I still keep up the facade in front of them but when they aren't around, I'm doing my own thing. I'm in a very different place now than I was in May 2017. I went to a gay bar last night and had a great time.
I've tried to find something for ex-gay survivors and came up empty. However, I'll definitely dig a little deeper and getting in touch with people who have gone through what I have (and actually believed in it like I did) would be beneficial.
I grew up in the Independent Fundamental Baptist denomination and my dad was a preacher. Think Southern Baptist but on steroids. One of the key aspects of IFB doctrine is the "doctrine of separation" which forbids believers from associating with non-believers. I didn't develop normal social skills and in fact didn't have a social life at all until I moved out my parents' home at 22. I didn't have a single friend between age 12 and college. After that, it took a lot of time and trial and error to get to the point where I could socialize normally and I still feel like I'm barely keeping up.
I also might have borderline aspeger's syndrome but that is a gray area. I have some mild symptoms of being on the spectrum but it isn't clear cut and many of those could also be caused by my upbringing.
I still deal with a lot of repressed feelings and internalized homophobia. I'm working through it, but it doesn't change over night. Right now I am learning how to flirt again and show a guy I'm interested (and how to respond when somebody else shows interest). I used to actually be pretty good at that but since conversion therapy I've had a difficult time with it.
I am atheist but I try to be respectful of the church as I know how important it is to those with faith. But stories like this make me so angry. Your parents do not belong to a church, they belong to a cult no different than Scientology if they prevent you from any contact with non-believers.
Your parents have totally failed in raising you. They have given you a totally unnecessary handicap in life by retarding your development. Social skills are critical, it really pisses me off that they did not allow you to develop them. What parent thinks it's OK to have a child with zero social skills or friends?
It goes beyond saying that they have no right to be upset when you limit their access to your Facebook account. Seriously your parents remind me of those wack jobs in California who starved their kids. They starved you emotionally, at 33 you are still paying the price, and that's just as bad.
The problem is that liberal cities are usually expensive. I live in Tennessee. Nashville is blue, but is $$$$. There are some parts of other cities that are purple, but not as expensive.
OKC is not some tiny backwater nowhere. I really don't think the OP is putting that much effort into finding a life that is more comfortable for him. I live one town over from my hometown, and still work in my hometown. I was away from the area for about five years, and many of my long-term friends have themselves moved off or have full lives with kids now. I've basically started completely over with a new circle of friends. I also spend a lot of weekends in Asheville, NC, which has a transient population and there is always something going on there.
If I didn't want to, I wouldn't have to associate with my family here. There is no reason the OP has to keep associating with his.
It is a choice to keep associating with his family. Based on his posts, I get the impression that he loves his parents and cares what they think despite his yearning to live his own life. I don't think he is at the point of cutting them out of his life completely or he would have already done it. I think getting more distance would help him be able to maintain a minimal form of contact on his terms and see if that works. He needs to be able to gain confidence in who he is and live his life. He said he dreads the time when he will have to talk to his parents again about being gay. I would think living like that in/near the same area would make it hard to build a life for himself because he wouldn't know when that day might come. For example - he meets someone and people his parents know see them out and about etc.
What field are you working in? Could you possibly find a smaller, less expensive more liberal city to move to in the interim as a stepping stone to the larger and more expensive cities that you mentioned wanting to live? Somewhere that is comparable to the cost of living of where you are at now.
If you get out of Oklahoma, you will have the distance from your parents to live your own life without always watching over your shoulder or worrying about info getting back to them via the rumor mill. Your parents are never going to accept your orientation or life choices in that direction but, if you can build a strong career and get some distance, maybe if you keep quiet about being gay when interacting with them and have other topics to converse with them on (career, hobbies, etc.), you could still maintain some sort of connection. I'm not saying to lie to them if asked but, knowing how they are, don't volunteer the information. It's kind of like an agree to disagree because you will never see eye to eye and sadly I get the impression that they will never have an eye opening moment of acceptance toward that part of your life or being.
Quote:
Originally Posted by luckeeesmom
It is a choice to keep associating with his family. Based on his posts, I get the impression that he loves his parents and cares what they think despite his yearning to live his own life. I don't think he is at the point of cutting them out of his life completely or he would have already done it. I think getting more distance would help him be able to maintain a minimal form of contact on his terms and see if that works. He needs to be able to gain confidence in who he is and live his life. He said he dreads the time when he will have to talk to his parents again about being gay. I would think living like that in/near the same area would make it hard to build a life for himself because he wouldn't know when that day might come. For example - he meets someone and people his parents know see them out and about etc.
This is pretty accurate. Regarding OKC, the dominant culture is conservative and religious but it is large enough that there are like-minded people. And in fact, I am doing my best to make the best of it, despite my complaining. However, the place is too close to family, is associated with too many painful memories, and overall is just not a good fit. They don't do it often, but from time to time my parents or my cousin will drop in unannounced. I always have that fear that they will drop by. After all, that's how they found out I had a boyfriend back in July 2009. So yeah, living in Oklahoma City basically means I have to have a double life. I have to be able to switch back and forth between gay me and straight "cured" me at moment's notice. I would still have some of that living farther away but it would be easier to keep the gay side of my life from them and simply discuss hobbies, life, etc with them. Not having that fear of them finding out would allow me to live life more to it's fullest. You cannot live life to its fullest if you are having to juggle two lives.
I wish I would have done that when I was out in North Carolina but I've never been a good liar and was an even worse liar back then. At that time they would even call me every Sunday to quiz me on the church sermon and also call me Friday and Saturday nights to make sure I wasn't out at gay bars.
I am atheist but I try to be respectful of the church as I know how important it is to those with faith. But stories like this make me so angry. Your parents do not belong to a church, they belong to a cult no different than Scientology if they prevent you from any contact with non-believers.
Your parents have totally failed in raising you. They have given you a totally unnecessary handicap in life by retarding your development. Social skills are critical, it really pisses me off that they did not allow you to develop them. What parent thinks it's OK to have a child with zero social skills or friends?
I agree that the IFB church is pretty much a cult. Most people aren't familiar with them because they are pretty good at masquerading as regular Baptist churches. However, they are far more extreme and controlling, if Southern Baptists weren't already bad enough.
My family was trying to protect me from "evil, worldly influences" but in doing so deprived me of a very essential part of human development. I'll never completely forgive them for that.
This is pretty accurate. Regarding OKC, the dominant culture is conservative and religious but it is large enough that there are like-minded people. And in fact, I am doing my best to make the best of it, despite my complaining. However, the place is too close to family, is associated with too many painful memories, and overall is just not a good fit. They don't do it often, but from time to time my parents or my cousin will drop in unannounced. I always have that fear that they will drop by. After all, that's how they found out I had a boyfriend back in July 2009. So yeah, living in Oklahoma City basically means I have to have a double life. I have to be able to switch back and forth between gay me and straight "cured" me at moment's notice. I would still have some of that living farther away but it would be easier to keep the gay side of my life from them and simply discuss hobbies, life, etc with them. Not having that fear of them finding out would allow me to live life more to it's fullest. You cannot live life to its fullest if you are having to juggle two lives.
I wish I would have done that when I was out in North Carolina but I've never been a good liar and was an even worse liar back then. At that time they would even call me every Sunday to quiz me on the church sermon and also call me Friday and Saturday nights to make sure I wasn't out at gay bars.
As I mentioned before, getting further away and having a lot of stuff to tell them when they call about other aspects of your life might be helpful. That way, you can have more to say to fill the time and hopefully avoid the grand inquisition about the parts of your life you don't want to discuss. Have an agenda of items to talk about in front of you when you call to check in with them. Set up a schedule to talk at a regular day/time such as Sunday evening. That way you are not surprised and not put in a position of lying. If they ask about dating, you can always be vague and say you haven't met anyone special etc. etc. When it finally does happen, you will have the choice of telling your parents with the support of your boyfriend behind you or just keeping the conversations with them off topic. To be honest, knowing how your parents are, I would not even consider crossing that bridge until you had a very serious relationship. The fall out is just not worth if for something less. I know this is kind of "kicking the can down the road" but I just don't get the feeling that you are ready for another beatdown or confrontation until you are stronger and feeling more confident and supported and have "come into your own."
You can do a google search for affordable liberal cities. I did and it mentioned college towns in the south and also more affordable cities such as Pittsburg, Richmond, Iowa City, Gainesville, Athens, Knoxville, Galveston, Madison, Columbus, Chattanooga, Tempe, Tucson
Austin is probably the most affordable from your list but I've heard the population has been surging there which can drive up cost of living.
This is pretty accurate. Regarding OKC, the dominant culture is conservative and religious but it is large enough that there are like-minded people. And in fact, I am doing my best to make the best of it, despite my complaining. However, the place is too close to family, is associated with too many painful memories, and overall is just not a good fit. They don't do it often, but from time to time my parents or my cousin will drop in unannounced. I always have that fear that they will drop by. After all, that's how they found out I had a boyfriend back in July 2009. So yeah, living in Oklahoma City basically means I have to have a double life. I have to be able to switch back and forth between gay me and straight "cured" me at moment's notice. I would still have some of that living farther away but it would be easier to keep the gay side of my life from them and simply discuss hobbies, life, etc with them. Not having that fear of them finding out would allow me to live life more to it's fullest. You cannot live life to its fullest if you are having to juggle two lives.
I wish I would have done that when I was out in North Carolina but I've never been a good liar and was an even worse liar back then. At that time they would even call me every Sunday to quiz me on the church sermon and also call me Friday and Saturday nights to make sure I wasn't out at gay bars.
There's no solution other than to put your foot down to them. If someone drops by, you don't have to open the door. Your personal life does not need to be an open book to your parents.
If they aren't financially supporting you, you just put your foot down, lay down the law, tell them how it's going to be, and if they don't like it, they can take a hike.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bawac34618
I agree that the IFB church is pretty much a cult. Most people aren't familiar with them because they are pretty good at masquerading as regular Baptist churches. However, they are far more extreme and controlling, if Southern Baptists weren't already bad enough.
My family was trying to protect me from "evil, worldly influences" but in doing so deprived me of a very essential part of human development. I'll never completely forgive them for that.
I grew up Southern Baptist, but attended from independent freewill Baptist churches over the years, and they are absolutely crazy. Like you, I didn't have a choice growing up, but I don't think I've set foot in a church in at least five years for any reason. I never much cared for church after being around people like that. Still, not all churches are like that and many are more accepting in this day and age.
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