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Why didn't you play the organ through headphones? I enjoy singing and playing and recording songs. My wife doesn't want to hear it. So I do it in my den, plug the electric keyboard, electric guitar, drum machine and mic into my digital multitrack recorder and hear it all through headphones. I close the door as well so my wife can hear the TV without my singing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mordant
I think this is an example of selection bias. It is easy for man to notice a man deferring to his wife, but it will be less visible to that same man how often that wife defers to her husband, or how much of an asshat the husband is in getting HIS way.
Marriage is a great big compromise anyway, so it shouldn't surprise us that compromise happens, or that a less "alpha" partner simply says , oh [snip] and caves rather than have a discussion that might nor might not escalate into an argument to the point you can't remember what was even that important about it anyway.
One also has to factor in that women have historically suffered the short end of the stick in terms of relationship power balance, so they have been socialized to use their "wiles" in whatever ways they can. Also that men and women both have been socialized to fall into default roles and responsibilities. Even apart from those defaults, personally I would not give a fig what color my mailbox was if I had one, and would happily let my wife decide that; she has much better color memory and judgment than me anyway.
Marriage is also a huge tradeoff. In any matter in life, if you optimize for X, you de-optimize for other things, Y and Z. Marriage is optimizing for company and, hopefully, companionship and camaraderie and intimacy. You then lose some or all of the ability to, say, decide on a whim that you're going to visit Iceland for a week, or that you're going to some city for the weekend and your itinerary is museums and libraries rather than beaches or campsites. All these things need to be negotiated. If the negotiation is so awful, why are you married?
The guy who reflexively says, "I had 'better' ask my wife first" has probably not involved her at all in enough decisions often enough that she has lowered the boom on him and now he associates making that decision with getting yelled at or made to sleep on the couch rather than what his wife probably intended him to associate it with: a realization that this is a partnership and on matters that touch their mutual habitation, she has a role, too, and should not be overlooked or ignored.
The garage workshop is a delicate one. Men need a man-cave, a retreat from the world, and yes, from the estrogen in the household. Couples should not be joined at the hip 24/7, and should have their own friends and activities. The problem comes when a woman feels like now that the conquest is over, she can be taken for granted, so long as she cooks and provides sex, and is neglected or ignored otherwise. It might be that this has actually happened in the relationship, or it might be that she fears it will because she saw it, say, in her parent's relationship. Here's an area where the man has a basis and a right to push back some, provided he really is an attentive, loving, caring husband who prioritizes his wife over his wood lathe.
When my wife and I met, I had a four manual digital replica of a Wurlitzer theater pipe organ in my house with 16 channels of audio. I loved playing that thing. She was nice enough about it, but couldn't stand it. Too loud, wrong kind of music, etc. I made the decision that I didn't love the organ enough for it to be a bone of annoyance and, eventually, contention between us. I miss that thing and think about it more often than a lot of other things I've lost in life. But the truth is, it was expensive, and one of those things that I loved the idea but the reality wasn't quite as good (nor my talent really fully up to it). It IS an acquired taste, and therefore a relatively lonely hobby. If I was going to marry a very "street" woman who grew up during the foment of the 1960s in Berkeley, who was force-bussed to a black school and actually enjoys soul and rhythm and blues and even to some extent rap, this was just an area of my life that was not worth keeping.
I don't even think she realizes what that cost me, TBH, but I don't care, I love her enough that it's worth it. I have lost a spouse before to death, and whatever things I gave up for that relationship are nothing compared to the pain of losing her. This probably helps me to keep it in perspective.
Finally, I remind myself how many things she gave up to be with me. She gave up her attraction to Bad Boys, which is actually a big plus, but was actually a harder decision for her than me giving up my hobby, for example. She has traded the thrill and danger for stability and constancy. Sometimes she probably wonders if that was a good trade off, because I am a seriously boring person by comparison to her late husband who was colorful and active compared to me, but also beat her up now and again, and refused to compromise on basically anything at all, and had addiction issues.
My wife and I both check with each other regarding purchases for the house, social engagements, what we will have for dinner, gifts we are giving others, etc. It's not being henpecked, it's being considerate of each other. If one of us is against something and can't be talked out of it, we don't do it. For the most part we have agreed on most big and small things. We are mostly on the same page. The idea of buying a house or painting a mailbox color or moving across country without the agreement of a spouse seems a bit strange to me, and would to most married people.
Quote:
Originally Posted by tijlover
I'll always be puzzled by these husbands who are totally controlled by their wives. Yes, I know, the old saying, Never Say No To A Wife, but what's behind it all, really, in your opinion?
Anytime I call my controlled cousin, no matter what it may be, it's automatic: Let me talk to my wife first! I've been painting mailboxes in my senior community, I ask one man what color he'd like to have it painted, he chose the colors and then: I better talk to my wife first! She rejected his choice of colors, and so I painted it what she wanted.
I was selling my house one time, the husband went nuts, seeing my garage with a workshop. Perfect! he said. The wife, rolled her eyes! No sale! Realtor told me later, don't you know, that's a wife's decision?
My Dad always dreamt of moving from MN to CO, as he loved the mountains, wanted to be near them, and my mother: We need to stay close to family! No move to CO! My Dad really never wanted to have children, and? 3 children.
Why didn't you play the organ through headphones? I enjoy singing and playing and recording songs. My wife doesn't want to hear it. So I do it in my den, plug the electric keyboard, electric guitar, drum machine and mic into my digital multitrack recorder and hear it all through headphones. I close the door as well so my wife can hear the TV without my singing.
When you want an accurate simulation of some 2,500 pipes in three chambers plus the acoustic environment of a large auditorium, headphones simply don't cut it. Kind of defeats the point. Of course you can use them for practice at odd hours, but you wouldn't make the investment to primarily use headphones. The convolution reverb alone really requires a separate set of speakers on the back of the room to properly represent the effect. Also, there was a grand piano hooked up to it, and you can't mute that, you just can't use that "voice" at all if you're trying to be quiet.
Then there is the practical matter of what dominates the living room decor (large four manual console, 16 speaker cabinets), the limitations of what housing you could consolidate a new relationship into, and so forth.
(My guess is that many a boat, plane, sports car, gun collection or multi-room model train layout bite the dust in the interest of new relationships ...)
But apart from that I found the local community of fellow organists to be unwelcoming and insular and cliquish. Their response to my installation was more jealousy than camaraderie. I lacked the right "connections" to be fully integrated with them, and I don't play those kinds of games anyway.
It's all good; you don't get to have everything you want in life. Everything involves tradeoffs. I am fortunate that my vocation (software development) is also in large measure my avocation; I have plenty to occupy my creative interests that are compatible with my family commitments.
Well, headphones won't rattle your teeth and shake your bones for sure but I found music is mostly in my head rather than my ears. I have always had a good amp and speakers to listen to music. When I bought the remastered Beatles Yellow Submarine CD, I could hear every individual instrument in the orchestra. But thinking back, when I was first hooked on the Beatles I listened to them at the bus stop through a transistor radio with a one inch speaker held next to my ear.
These days I don't even use my amp and turntable and large home built speakers any more. I listen to music from Youtube or CDs through my headphones, or the three inch computer speakers or the small speakers in the base of my VIZIO TV.
My wife and I both enjoy some of the same music, TV shows and movies. But a lot of music, movies and TV shows are liked by one of us but not the other, so we enjoy it by ourselves.
Rather than plug my electric guitars into my 60 Watt tube amps with 10" and 12" speakers and shake the whole house, I plug them into my digital recorder and listen silently through my headphones. I get to play and record and listen to my music, without disturbing my wife.
It's hard to find someone to play music with. I played guitar with different groups, on a volunteer basis, once for a couple of months of rehearsing with a band, once for a summer in church, once for 7 years during the holiday season with a group playing Christmas songs, once for several months with a variety troupe. Eventually egos and competition ruined it for me and I quit. But they were all learning experiences, and I got to perform for a live audience, with other players.
One thing I learned is if you screw a song up in a group, a live audience probably won't notice it or care if they do. Once I was playing guitar with a choir, a keyboard player and a bass player for the Christmas show at the Brooklyn College theater. On one song the keyboard player was playing the wrong song. No one except the bass player and I noticed. We asked the keyboard player what happened and he said he couldn't stop in the middle of a song to get the right music, so he just kept playing the wrong song.
When I retired I convinced a co-worker who retired with me to collaborate with me over the internet to create audio and then video recordings of 50's and 60's and 70's songs. We have been doing them for about 10 years now, several songs each year. They are mediocre at best bit we enjoy doing them. I do the editing and post the videos Mod cut..
I was also an IT guy and enjoyed it. I feel I did get everything I wanted in life. But as my mother once told me "That's because you never wanted much".
Quote:
Originally Posted by mordant
When you want an accurate simulation of some 2,500 pipes in three chambers plus the acoustic environment of a large auditorium, headphones simply don't cut it. Kind of defeats the point. Of course you can use them for practice at odd hours, but you wouldn't make the investment to primarily use headphones. The convolution reverb alone really requires a separate set of speakers on the back of the room to properly represent the effect. Also, there was a grand piano hooked up to it, and you can't mute that, you just can't use that "voice" at all if you're trying to be quiet.
Then there is the practical matter of what dominates the living room decor (large four manual console, 16 speaker cabinets), the limitations of what housing you could consolidate a new relationship into, and so forth.
(My guess is that many a boat, plane, sports car, gun collection or multi-room model train layout bite the dust in the interest of new relationships ...)
But apart from that I found the local community of fellow organists to be unwelcoming and insular and cliquish. Their response to my installation was more jealousy than camaraderie. I lacked the right "connections" to be fully integrated with them, and I don't play those kinds of games anyway.
It's all good; you don't get to have everything you want in life. Everything involves tradeoffs. I am fortunate that my vocation (software development) is also in large measure my avocation; I have plenty to occupy my creative interests that are compatible with my family commitments.
Last edited by PJSaturn; 12-23-2021 at 05:41 PM..
Reason: Promoting personal YouTube channel.
Eh, I don't think what you describe in the OP is a sign of concern. People who are married are in a partnership. Decisions in a partnership that all parties have to live with shouldn't be made by one person, IMO.
In a case like those described in the OP, I'd be curious if the husband had similar veto authority over decisions that the wife wanted. If that's not the case, then, yes, I'd consider that to be a problem.
Anyone who has been in sales knows it's a common way to get out of buying something that the person doesn't want without hurting the salesperson's feelings. It works both ways with the wife many times saying they have to check with their spouse.
Yep.
My wife told me to use her as an excuse when need be. And I do.
e.g., I wanted to get out of my buddy's hockey pool because, one, I no longer care about hockey, and two, I don't trust him with the amount of money being handled. So, I told him my wife said I'm gambling too much. Now I have a pickle jar full of five dollar bills (and accumulating).
Another example: I had a roofer I became friendly with look at our roof. Then I read some scary reviews and decided I better not use him. I told him my wife had someone she knows from Chinatown. He was mad, but it was her call. lol
Last edited by henrychen; 12-23-2021 at 03:02 PM..
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A smart man lets his S.O. choose the color of the mailbox; where to have dinner; choice of movies; and dozens of other "who gives Mod cut." decisions. 
