Single Mothers..Are we doomed (spouse, perfect, California, like)
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It is the brainwashing that if a woman has a child out of wedlock she is automatically a bad person. As long as that ring gets put on your finger before the baby is born, or people think so, your ok. If people only knew some of the dirty little secrets behind the good christian families
It's conditioning and it's very hard to unlearn. Think about the older generations who still think divorce is a sin. Nowadays, it's becoming more and more common for people to have kids out of wedlock, not because they were promiscuous or one person was unwilling to commit, but because committed relationships, with or without a ring, don't seem to last for most people. If you're someone who thinks having a child after the wedding is better than having it before, then you're assuming that marriage comes with some kind of guarantee or significantly increases the odds of your relationship lasting. Given how poorly many people choose their partners and how quickly they're willing to give up on their marriages, I don't see the odds being that better. Whether the two people stay together has more to do with the people in the relationship than whether they've exchanged vows and made it legal.
It's conditioning and it's very hard to unlearn. Think about the older generations who still think divorce is a sin. Nowadays, it's becoming more and more common for people to have kids out of wedlock, not because they were promiscuous or one person was unwilling to commit, but because committed relationships, with or without a ring, don't seem to last for most people. If you're someone who thinks having a child after the wedding is better than having it before, then you're assuming that marriage comes with some kind of guarantee or significantly increases the odds of your relationship lasting. Given how poorly many people choose their partners and how quickly they're willing to give up on their marriages, I don't see the odds being that better. Whether the two people stay together has more to do with the people in the relationship than whether they've exchanged vows and made it legal.
I agree. I dont understand how a woman who has a child out of wedlock is any different than one who gets married because "she has to" and ends up divorced a few years later or any other mother. As I have gotten older I am amazed at the "shotgun" weddings and situations among my grandparents and parents generations that have recently been reveled to me. It dosent seem much different today except women are not expected to hang their head in shame or disappear for 9 months while they deliver and give their baby away.
I agree. I dont understand how a woman who has a child out of wedlock is any different than one who gets married because "she has to" and ends up divorced a few years later or any other mother. As I have gotten older I am amazed at the "shotgun" weddings and situations among my grandparents and parents generations that have recently been reveled to me. It dosent seem much different today except women are not expected to hang their head in shame or disappear for 9 months while they deliver and give their baby away.
People find it easy to make assumptions. A woman has a child out of wedlock? Oh she must be promiscuous, she exercised poor judgment in choosing who to have kids with, etc. But a woman who's divorced with kids? People are more likely to give her the benefit of the doubt. If she married the guy and it didn't work out, she's still probably a better person than that girl who had a kid out of wedlock. As if getting married proves that you're more responsible and exercise better judgment. I've seen enough girls who got married because they had a timetable for when to have kids, only now they're divorced and having to share custody with a person they regret marrying. Or worse, the ex is a jerk who wants nothing to do with his kids. So you could easily say the same thing about her, that she exercised poor judgment.
If you're someone who thinks having a child after the wedding is better than having it before, then you're assuming that marriage comes with some kind of guarantee or significantly increases the odds of your relationship lasting.
While not true in all cases, I do think people make a lot of assumptions with marriage. Chief among them is that if you married someone, you obviously believed it would last a lifetime. When a child is born out-of-wedlock, people often wonder, "well, if she didn't think enough of him to marry him, why did she have his baby?". Of course, that leads to the assumption that the woman has bad judgment or is "loose". Again, that's not always the case but people still wonder.
I would like to advocate though that marriage should be the standard. While there's never a guarantee, marriages do last longer than other types of relationships. If they do end in divorce, the man is far more likely to remain involved with the raising of the child. Children of divorce are better off socially, economically, and academically than children born out-of-wedlock. Again, there are plenty of women doing a good job out there but the fact remains that marriage, then child rearing, is the way to go if at all possible. Marriage is more than a legal piece of paper.
While not true in all cases, I do think people make a lot of assumptions with marriage. Chief among them is that if you married someone, you obviously believed it would last a lifetime. When a child is born out-of-wedlock, people often wonder, "well, if she didn't think enough of him to marry him, why did she have his baby?". Of course, that leads to the assumption that the woman has bad judgment or is "loose". Again, that's not always the case but people still wonder.
I would like to advocate though that marriage should be the standard. While there's never a guarantee, marriages do last longer than other types of relationships. If they do end in divorce, the man is far more likely to remain involved with the raising of the child. Children of divorce are better off socially, economically, and academically than children born out-of-wedlock. Again, there are plenty of women doing a good job out there but the fact remains that marriage, then child rearing, is the way to go if at all possible. Marriage is more than a legal piece of paper.
What do you think things were like before humans came up with marriage? Do you think men were running around, impregnating women, and then ditching their kids with their mother? I doubt the human species would've survived if all men had been a bunch of deadbeat dads. And what does it say about a man when he needs a marriage contract or the threat of legal action to help raise his kid? The problem with saying that a man is more likely to remain involved with the raising of the child if he was at one time married to the kid's mother is that it assumes all men are the same. But we know they're not. There are men out there who have kids with women they weren't married to who end up being great dads. Likewise, there are men who were married to their child's mother who end up being the worst dads, the kind where you have to invoke the lawyers every time you need them to cough up a penny for their kid. That's why I don't look at marriage as making it more likely that a man will be a good father. What it comes down to is the person, not whether they were married or not.
While not true in all cases, I do think people make a lot of assumptions with marriage. Chief among them is that if you married someone, you obviously believed it would last a lifetime. When a child is born out-of-wedlock, people often wonder, "well, if she didn't think enough of him to marry him, why did she have his baby?". Of course, that leads to the assumption that the woman has bad judgment or is "loose". Again, that's not always the case but people still wonder.
There is that "assumption," yes. A friend of mine recently had a baby girl out of wedlock. She and the child's father lived together and planned to get married, so when she got pregnant, she told him. He did the unthinkable and pretended to go visit his parents out-of-state and just never came back. Oh, he used her money to pay for the plane ticket. It was a really shoddy deal for her.
I'm sure that there are women out there who get pregnant wily-nily just to trap a guy. But they paint women in my friend's situation with a really bad brush.
There is that "assumption," yes. A friend of mine recently had a baby girl out of wedlock. She and the child's father lived together and planned to get married, so when she got pregnant, she told him. He did the unthinkable and pretended to go visit his parents out-of-state and just never came back. Oh, he used her money to pay for the plane ticket. It was a really shoddy deal for her.
I'm sure that there are women out there who get pregnant wily-nily just to trap a guy. But they paint women in my friend's situation with a really bad brush.
Sorry for your friend but with so many contraceptives like the condom, the emergency pill, the injections women take not to get pregnant and the abortion surgery why do women still keep their baby if they know they will not be able to raise them with the support of their husband/companion?
No wonder their desirability drops so drastically, its irresponsible to bring a kid to this world only to use him to glue the relationship.
Sorry for your friend but with so many contraceptives like the condom, the emergency pill, the injections women take not to get pregnant and the abortion surgery why do women still keep their baby if they know they will not be able to raise them with the support of their husband/companion?
No wonder their desirability drops so drastically, its irresponsible to bring a kid to this world only to use him to glue the relationship.
Because Uncle Sam will pick up the slack if they don't work. (For some reason unmarried mothers are deemed "disabled" and entitled to sit on their duffs with no worries about food, shelter, etc., and be supported for doing nothing but popping out babies in this country.)
If they DO work, Uncle Sam and various states give them super generous tax returns ("Earned Income Credit," "Head of Household" filing status, etc.) that more often than not results in them getting MORE money back on their income taxes than they actually put in. I am not kidding. Someone I know works with a lot of never-married mothers and when income tax return time comes around it's usually a five-figure bonanza: entirely pay off the note on their cars, take the kids to Disney World, buy all new furniture, etc.
The government encourages people to have illegitimate children. If they are married, all the freebies are off.
It's conditioning and it's very hard to unlearn. Think about the older generations who still think divorce is a sin. Nowadays, it's becoming more and more common for people to have kids out of wedlock, not because they were promiscuous or one person was unwilling to commit, but because committed relationships, with or without a ring, don't seem to last for most people. If you're someone who thinks having a child after the wedding is better than having it before, then you're assuming that marriage comes with some kind of guarantee or significantly increases the odds of your relationship lasting. Given how poorly many people choose their partners and how quickly they're willing to give up on their marriages, I don't see the odds being that better. Whether the two people stay together has more to do with the people in the relationship than whether they've exchanged vows and made it legal.
Marriage also had a different connotation back in the day, starting with Biblical times.
It wasn't only meant to be a legal contract. It was meant to be a way of life.
When they said, "Til death do us part" they MEANT IT. Marriage was supposed to be a lifelong union.
Nowadays, it's more like "Til we get sick of each other do us part."
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As if getting married proves that you're more responsible and exercise better judgment. I've seen enough girls who got married because they had a timetable for when to have kids, only now they're divorced and having to share custody with a person they regret marrying. Or worse, the ex is a jerk who wants nothing to do with his kids. So you could easily say the same thing about her, that she exercised poor judgment.
