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Thanks Avienne! He does have sleep apnea but he uses a cpap machine so he is treating it. I'm sorry to say it but he's also lazy and I don't understand how he couldn't stay awake for 20 minutes to watch his child.
He is really overweight too and has no energy whatsoever. I never make any remarks to him about his weight though.
Hmmmm...
You know what I would do? When all of this has blown over and you're both in a good, communicative frame of mind and things are going well, I would gently and diplomatically start a conversation about his health and energy level. Maybe you already have, but if you haven't, this is the kind of wake-up call he might need. As in, his poor health could have led to a tragedy with your youngest.
You can always couch it in soft terms. You want him around a long time, you hate seeing him exhausted all the time because you know it must feel awful, etc. But also, he's a loving enough dad that you know he would never forgive himself if something bad happened on his watch--because he probably wouldn't.
In fact, he might be feeling a pang of conscience as it is and might feel embarrassed that now your mom knows what happened. So, you can acknowledge that you probably shouldn't have aired your beef to your mom and own up to it as a way of opening the dialogue. You know him far better than we do, so you would know best how to approach him without sounding like you're laying a guilt trip on him. Letting him save face over what basically amounts to human frailty is always the best way to go. Just that this is the kind of human frailty he has the power to fix.
So let me get this straight, he's fat, lazy, non-energetic, can't watch his own child for twenty minutes, won't take responsibility for his actions, or talk things out, and he gives you the silent treatment? He sounds like a gem from your description. I'm so sorry you're realizing all of this on your anniversary.
Now if he is doing something that is not appropriate such as (beating on you or other things that are not good) then it is appropriate to go tattling...
Next time think about what you are doing before you do it.. reprimand him if you need but keep it between you and him..
He was negligent and if something had happened to that child, he most likely would have had charges brought against him in court. Neglect is just another form of abuse and is just as serious as physical abuse.
As far as venting goes...I think women should have a person to vent to. Someone they can trust that may help them have a more rounded view of the situation. However, I think it is damaging to let your mother come into a relationship and has to feel demeaning to her husband.
there are problems, lisalan..., work them early otherwise you will suffer, kids will suffer, the sooner the better, do not "venting" online or on your mother..., "vent" on him..., he should know now you feel, and YOU should know how he feels..., why he is sleeping so often???, may be he is ennoyed of you and the kids????, ENVOLVE him more seriously..., you took ALL responsibilities in the house, I guess, he should share with you..., your aniversary date is destroyed for this year, but celebrate it in a week or so, when you are fine..., and do not forget to remind him that he is the one who "destroyed your 2010 aniversary", even on each of the next celebrations....
Thanks Avienne! He does have sleep apnea but he uses a cpap machine so he is treating it. I'm sorry to say it but he's also lazy and I don't understand how he couldn't stay awake for 20 minutes to watch his child.
He is really overweight too and has no energy whatsoever. I never make any remarks to him about his weight though.
Is it possible that he is clinically depressed? Has he always been like this? Sleeping all the time, gaining weight and an ambivalent attitude, all point to this. Maybe he is not intending to be hurtful but really is unhappy.
Yep, the tattling is what did it - especially to your mother. eek
I've actually noticed a small pattern with you. You tend to do something, then when someone else reacts, you make them the bad guy (e.g. you honk at a guy and drive around him for pulling out in front of you, then you are suprised when he screams at your window for doing so). Maybe something you should be more aware of and work on; Every action causes reaction.
there are problems, lisalan..., work them early otherwise you will suffer, kids will suffer, the sooner the better, do not "venting" online or on your mother..., "vent" on him..., he should know now you feel, and YOU should know how he feels..., why he is sleeping so often???, may be he is ennoyed of you and the kids????, ENVOLVE him more seriously..., you took ALL responsibilities in the house, I guess, he should share with you..., your aniversary date is destroyed for this year, but celebrate it in a week or so, when you are fine..., and do not forget to remind him that he is the one who "destroyed your 2010 aniversary", even on each of the next celebrations....
vokovac.
You say you have been married 40 years? Don't know how that happened with advice like you are giving. I suspect her husband is sorry for his screw up, and you think she should remind him every year that he screwed up their anniversary?
Lisa, saying mean spirited things to each other as this poster has suggested is not a good idea. Both of you need to be kind to each other and buid each other up instead of tearing each other down. Yeah I agree, when he is watching the kids he needs to do a good job, and do much better than he did. I'm sure he knows that now. I suspect he is sorry and would probably have said so if your mom wouldn't have come into the picture. Like I said before, work together, and don't do or say things that cause hurt feelings. You can't take words back, once they are said, they won't be forgotten. There are enough problems in life without making more, marriage is hard enough with out trying to make it harder.
Every child should take a tumble down a set of stairs at least once in their life. I did, my kids did, and it only needs to happen once to learn that lesson. Heck we used to slide down stairs on cardboard like a sled!
I think your blowing this entire thing way out of porportion. The one a$$ chewing was enough. But then you turn around and basically chew him out again while on the phone to your Mom. I'm sure your hubby feels like dirt right about now. And you've belittled him in front of your mother.
If you had any form of decency you would apologize to him immediately for that, then kiss and make up. This can go 2 ways. It can get worse or it can get better. The decision lies in your hands.
I have a very similar story. When my daughter was 9 and 1/2 (almost 10) months, hubby was in the living room with her while I went upstairs to take a shower. Next thing I know, here comes daughter into the bathroom looking for me. So I hurry out and go downstairs. Sure enough, there is hubby asleep in his chair. He was horrified when I woke him up and told him about it. That was how we found out our daughter had just figured out how to walk. (She could barely cruise the day before.)
Anyway, yeah, I tell people about it. Hubby tells people about it. We use it as a cautionary tale. It could have happened to anyone who is exhausted from having an infant that is still not sleeping through the night.
Edited to add: Hubby immediately went out and bought a gate for the stairs. We were procrastinating because she wasn't really mobile and didn't realize how quickly that can change. I highly recommend anyone with a crawler/cruiser get a gate for the stairs!
He gives you the silent treatment for a couple of reasons, it avoids having to deal with the issue at hand, its his way of minimizing without accusing you of over reacting and he knows it bothers you. You exposed his lousy parenting and that was a no...no. Refusing to go for your anniversary dinner is your punishment. The silent treatment will continue to be the way he communicates because it works for him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lisalan
I guess I just need to vent. I have 3 kids. Last night I left my husband alone with my 9 1/2 month old so that I could go and put my 2 1/2 year old to sleep. My 9 month old has just started crawling and we were just about to babyproof the house. When I came downstairs I found my husband asleep and my daughter crawling towards the stairs.
I picked her up and woke my husband up and told him how upset I was and that he shouldn't have fallen asleep while watching the 9 month old and that she could have fallen down the stairs. He didn't seem to think it was a big deal.
My mom called today and I was venting about it. He was asleep in the living room again and I went downstairs into the laundry room to tell her about it. I don't know how but he overheard it and now he is giving me the silent treatment. We were supposed to go to dinner for our 9 year anniversary as we never get to go out and now he doesn't want to go with me anymore. I'm so upset. Whenever he gets upset he give me the silent treatment.
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40 years marriage experience... and still in love
