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Such a sad post. 22 years of marriage and instead of growing closer you have both grown apart.
Do you think that staying home with your children has made you a bit boring and one dimensional? Do you have outside interests or work part time? The same old every day routine can be mind numbingly damaging to a long term relationship. If your husband doesn't want to try counseling then maybe you could get out and become a more multi dimensional person who he finds interesting and exciting again. The benefits would be enormous for your self esteem as well.
Remember the only person you can change is yourself.
My husband and I have been married for 22 years. We have 4 children. 2 older and 2 younger. We were high school sweathearts. But for the past 2 years things are not the same. We dont have the same interests. He works, I stay home with the kids. Instead of having alone time when he comes home we stay in seperate rooms watching tv. We dont have a life outside of our kids activities. Since the downfall of the economy money has been an issue too. He has become very selfish with his time and lately everything revolves around him. Sex is at most 2x a month. He is home everynight so i know he is not with anyone else. Im just ready to call it quits. When I mention this to him he just ignores me. He thinks I will never leave. I have become very stressed with the kids, money situation, and no attention from him. He is a very good father I will give him that but, he is becoming like and old man way before I am ready to become an old lady. I understand things are very difficult today and people have all kinds of problems. Im just not handling it very well.
Tonight send the children to stay with friends/relatives and cook your husband his favorite meal. Serve it in a very sexy negligee. Have chocolate covered strawberries and champagne chilling in the bedroom.
Tell him how much you appreciate how he has been a great provider for 22 years and how you don't say "thank you" nearly enough. Tell him EVERY SINGLE DAY (twice on Sunday).
Most men just want to be appreciated and loved. Put your kids on the back burner for a while and TEND TO YOUR MARRIAGE. Treat him like you did when you were dating (if you can remember that far back).
Well I would advise you to think long and hard. My hubby's ex divorced him and since has only gone downhill. She married two more times, went back to her maiden name the last time she divorced so now I am (Mrs. her son's last name) and she doesn't have it. She lives with her mother and the kids are up and married with their own lives and kids. I am (grandma her kid's last name) and she is not.
My DIL's mother did the same dang thing. She is single now after 3 divorces and lives alone. It's no picnic after you divorce even if you have a man to go to which my hubby's ex did. It usually never works out and if it does you wish it hadn't with the baggage it brings the kids.
I would recommend counseling. If your hubby does not go then go alone but to a counselor that won't recommend divorce as a first option. I am here to tell you it's lonely and not a panacea like you might believe. Even is he is in the other room at least you know he is there and you have a chance to mend things. Instead you may be alone or with some loser who divorced his wife or worse than what you do have now.
Take the reins and see if you can do something to change things instead of throwing in the towel. You two have a past and if it was good it can be good again if you are determined. Then go watch the movie, "Fireproof" It shows you how to be a partner in a marriage. Good luck to you----I hate divorce, I have seen the nasty things it brings.
Do you REALLY think your problems will all go away if you divorce?
Seriously, think about what life will be like...
Custody.
Child support.
Extreme financial strain.
Stress, stress, stress and more stress.
Two rent/house payments.
Possible psychological trauma for your kids and/or you.
Etc...
I agree--counseling would be the route to go. It just sounds like you two aren't communicating. I'm not even in a relationship but I know good communication is key. Turn off the tv's and TALK!
Exactly! If I had 4 kids, it'd never be a good time unless my life was in danger.
For both men and women who are thinking of divorce first go down to divorce court and see the hell you have to go through. Do yourself a favor and if you must divorce and do it after the kids are up and out on their own. Custody fights, money fights, holiday fights, attorney fights, medical insurance fights and ego fights. It all gets crazy if you let it and most let it, especially the attorneys who profit from it all. CRAZY, CRAZY, CRAZY.
A counselor/therapist will assist the both of you in designing a plan with progressive steps. He or she will look at exactly what you have posted here and maybe suggest having a date night once per week and you don't even have to go anywhere. Kids are off to bed and you two might get a movie and watch it together. Money being what it is these days, just try to shoot for at least one night a month out of the house for a date. It really doesn't matter what you do, but you are out of the house and you are together. These are baby steps - but you both have to be open to doing them. Further on he or she may suggest things regarding your regular, daily routine. It sounds as if the both of you are cheating on each other and those other parties are the individual television sets. The amont of time you both park yourselves in front of them in seperate rooms is a tradgedy creeping up on you and the more distant you will get from each other.
I'm no psychologist or marriage counselor, but these are the kinds of things he or she will probably suggest to help the two of you put a plan in place for a step, by step program and a therapy session plan - maybe once a week or every other week, once a month - it really depends on the therapist and how they've assessed the damage. You may not see huge changes right away, but this is a long term comimttment. As long as the both of you are committed to doing this and you do your 'homework' the therapist gives you it's definitely a step in the right direction.
I would excersise the options you have available to you to remain married and exhaust those first.
Last edited by Thursday007; 12-15-2010 at 12:43 AM..
A counselor/therapist will assist the both of you in designing a plan with progressive steps. He or she will look at exactly what you have posted here and maybe suggest having a date night once per week and you don't even have to go anywhere. Kids are off to bed and you two might get a movie and watch it together. Money being what it is these days, just try to shoot for at least one night a month out of the house for a date. It really doesn't matter what you do, but you are out of the house and you are together. These are baby steps - but you both have to be open to doing them. Further on he or she may suggest things regarding your regular, daily routine. It sounds as if the both of you are cheating on each other and those other parties are the individual television sets. The amont of time you both park yourselves in front of them in seperate rooms is a tradgedy creeping up on you and the more distant you will get from each other.
I'm no psychologist or marriage counselor, but these are the kinds of things he or she will probably suggest to help the two of you put a plan in place for a step, by step program and a therapy session plan - maybe once a week or every other week, once a month - it really depends on the therapist and how they've assessed the damage. You may not see huge changes right away, but this if a long term comimtment. As long as the both of you are committed to doing this and you do your 'homework' the therapist gives you it's definitely a step in the right direction.
I would excersise the options you have available to you to remain married and exhaust those first.
Definitely agree. And make sure you find the right therapist - many offer a free consultation on the phone. We went to a therapist that was both a marriage counselor and a divorce counselor. I guess he saw more money in a potential divorce with us, since he offered his divorce counseling services heavily during our first (and only) meeting. Since I was there to SAVE my marriage, that was obviously not a good match.
Personally, I would get a therapist who has the same values as you, maybe get a name from your church for reference. Soe churches have programs for troubled marriages so look into that. I know the Catholic church has Retrovaille Marriage help program for couples.
You don't need to be Catholic to use it. Good luck and I hope you can stay in your marriage. That would be the ideal.
Definitely agree. And make sure you find the right therapist - many offer a free consultation on the phone. We went to a therapist that was both a marriage counselor and a divorce counselor. I guess he saw more money in a potential divorce with us, since he offered his divorce counseling services heavily during our first (and only) meeting. Since I was there to SAVE my marriage, that was obviously not a good match.
I went through a couple of them until I found this doctor at the college hospital and he was fantastic. I got the referral from my regular M.D. So, your personal doctor can probably suggest someone.
The husband could also be suffering from male menopause. Its when they no longer produce the same amount of testosterone and being grumpy & tired and low sex drive are usually the first indicators. Can you convince him to get a complete medical examine, including blood work?
I have to concur with the majority in that a divorce should be the very last step, after going through counseling and complete medical work ups. Maybe you both are depressed? All these are possiblities, but a divorce is very final.
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