How do you know when its time to get a divorce (sugar coating, how to)
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Having a divorce in my past that was one of the better decisions that I've ever made, I'd also chime in heavily for counseling. Divorce even when wholly necessary, without children, at a young age and being fully capable of self support is no walk in the park. You have none of these things going for you. And forget the suggestion of an affair if you are even slightly tempted. There is no end to the amount of misery that this non-solution is likely to cause.
I also agree with the poster that said that something may be going on with your husband either physically or emotionally. Perhaps it's trouble at work. Often wives are the last to know. Observing the men in my family, men friends and at work in the past it seems that men tend to become "old poops" much faster than women without a creative outlet to help them.
Having worked through a full career to retirement and carrying half the financial load of our household during that time to this very day, I understand some of the pressures men face: The often bone grinding weariness at the end of the day, the light at the end of the tunnel that never seems to get any bigger, the money that seems to evaporate overnight even with frugality measures in place. Often the world feels like bailing the incoming tide with a teacup, an exercise in futility that must be faced day after day nevertheless. Men rarely share these feelings with women.
Seeing that you are the party with the primary grievance, it is you that will need to get off the dime and find some help for your family. If you go to church start there with your pastor, priest or rabbi. If not, there are normally referral services available through city, county or state mental health services. If your husband works for a large company or in governmental service they may have a workplace counseling or EAP service that is normally free for a few sessions and if more is needed, the counselors will refer you based upon need. Often family members are eligible to contact the service directly.
Stop arguing, blaming and complaining and make a full commitment to get back on track and then just do whatever it takes to get there. Certainly you are welcome to get some perspective here but you have to take proactive action for yourself and your children's sake if you can't consider your husband's welfare right now.
My husband and I have been married for 22 years. We have 4 children. 2 older and 2 younger. We were high school sweathearts. But for the past 2 years things are not the same. We dont have the same interests. He works, I stay home with the kids. Instead of having alone time when he comes home we stay in seperate rooms watching tv. We dont have a life outside of our kids activities. Since the downfall of the economy money has been an issue too. He has become very selfish with his time and lately everything revolves around him. Sex is at most 2x a month. He is home everynight so i know he is not with anyone else. Im just ready to call it quits. When I mention this to him he just ignores me. He thinks I will never leave. I have become very stressed with the kids, money situation, and no attention from him. He is a very good father I will give him that but, he is becoming like and old man way before I am ready to become an old lady. I understand things are very difficult today and people have all kinds of problems. Im just not handling it very well.
Were the 1st 20 years good? I mean really good? If they were then you should try to fix this. He needs to know you are seriously unhappy. You have to make him realize that somehow. You guys are in a rut and a lot of it may be his fault but it does go both ways so don't just blame him. Try to figure out a way to become friends again then take it from there. But 1st he needs to KNOW that you are unhappy and you need to share the blame even if you don't think it's your fault.
I agree with MAtheBanker. You are saying you were married for 22 years but ONLY two of those years have been rough. I think the odds are you can work this out. I could see if you said 10 out of the past 22 years but only 2? Do you talk to your husband? maybe he feels the same. I would talk to him, suggest counseling and go from there. Everyone thinks that divorce is easy street but it's not always. MAYBE if all four of your kids were adults and you had nothing holding you there but trust me, divorce isn't always the answer you think it is.
As much as some posters on this forum (not this thread) belittle advice from posters suggesting professional counseling, the advice to seek counseling is, in your case and in my opinion, right on the mark in your particular circumstance. Your situation isn't at all unusual and in fact it's pretty much the norm - sad to say. What really bothers me is that your bickering and general resentment has segued from behind closed doors to the open house in front of your children ...
Finding the right therapist is key. At a very low point in my life I went to three therapists/counselors who were totally useless until I finally found the one who literally changed my life and got me on the right footing - and to whom I will be eternally grateful.
If you can sit down with your husband and suggest counseling in a positive way, don't be overly surprised if he says no. Male pride sometimes prevails! Just stay quietly firm and tell him that that's OK but that you're going to look for someone to whom you can go by yourself because you want to save the marriage and you'll do whatever it takes.
Obviously the discontent both of you are experiencing didn't happen overnight and a miracle of change isn't going to happen overnight. But 22 years is worth trying to salvage and you might look back eventually and realize in another 20 years time how easy it really was to get back the oomph and communication. Good luck!
Thanks everyone for the advice. Even though my husband and I are having problems we still love each other. I think counseling would be the best thing. 2 of our children are away at college and we still have 2 at home. I think its for their best interest that my husband and I try everything we can to save the marriage then just throw in the towel. Yes we are catholic and I didnt know that they had any type of marriage counseling. I need to look into that. I also think that going out on some date nights would be good. Our lives are so wrapped up in our childrens lives and his work that we never take the time to just be us. We are a very busy family with the kids activities all week and we never have the time to spend alone. I guess I should be more sensitive to his feelings as well. After working all day and doing things with the kids, just sitting in a seperate room to watch a ball game alone is a way for him to be alone and relax. I just would like some more us time! We need to be more careful what we say to each other in front of the kids. Sometimes Its just hard not to. Thanks again.
Tonight send the children to stay with friends/relatives and cook your husband his favorite meal. Serve it in a very sexy negligee. Have chocolate covered strawberries and champagne chilling in the bedroom.
Tell him how much you appreciate how he has been a great provider for 22 years and how you don't say "thank you" nearly enough. Tell him EVERY SINGLE DAY (twice on Sunday).
Most men just want to be appreciated and loved. Put your kids on the back burner for a while and TEND TO YOUR MARRIAGE. Treat him like you did when you were dating (if you can remember that far back).
20yrsinBranson
And what is HE supposed to do for HER? Since maybe HE is the one who isn't being appreciative? And women don't want the same thing in bold?
And what is HE supposed to do for HER? Since maybe HE is the one who isn't being appreciative? And women don't want the same thing in bold?
He works and this allows her to stay at home with her children which in this day and age, is a luxury. I realise they are his kids too but being the sole breadwinner can be exhausting.
If it were me, forgo the idea of divorce, and have an affair! You deserve it!
This type of thinking right here is what is wrong with society. Cheating is never justified. Aside from the obvious; that it is wrong and immoral, the repercussions of getting caught while being married are too great.
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