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He works and this allows her to stay at home with her children which in this day and age, is a luxury. I realise they are his kids too but being the sole breadwinner can be exhausting.
I agree here Djuna. I think that we tend to overlook the men who are the sole providers financially for their families. Having been a single parent for many years and despite getting child support, it WAS minimal. I did struggle and when you are the sole provider, the pressure to always provide every single thing is very exhausting. The stress is at best overwhelming at times.
Thanks everyone for the advice. Even though my husband and I are having problems we still love each other. I think counseling would be the best thing. 2 of our children are away at college and we still have 2 at home. I think its for their best interest that my husband and I try everything we can to save the marriage then just throw in the towel. Yes we are catholic and I didnt know that they had any type of marriage counseling. I need to look into that. I also think that going out on some date nights would be good. Our lives are so wrapped up in our childrens lives and his work that we never take the time to just be us. We are a very busy family with the kids activities all week and we never have the time to spend alone. I guess I should be more sensitive to his feelings as well. After working all day and doing things with the kids, just sitting in a seperate room to watch a ball game alone is a way for him to be alone and relax. I just would like some more us time! We need to be more careful what we say to each other in front of the kids. Sometimes Its just hard not to. Thanks again.
I'll look into that is code for "Good idea, but I don't want to work THAT hard."...
Don't look into it--GO DO IT! I'm not Catholic, but even my church has dedicated counselors. I put off going for so long because I thought the only people who went to see counselors were crazies. Turns out, even us psychologically sound ones need to have someone to talk to every once in a while.
You said your lives are so busy, yet you both have time to watch TV in separate rooms?
Seriously, get off the couch and go talk to him. Your problems will not be solved with simply having good intentions--you need to put those intentions into action!
Sorry if I'm being blunt here, but there's no use in sugar coating this type of stuff. Divorce is serious business! No one should toss it around lightly.
He works and this allows her to stay at home with her children which in this day and age, is a luxury. I realise they are his kids too but being the sole breadwinner can be exhausting.
You think staying home all day is a luxury? Let me ask you what is more exhausting here. Going to an air conditioned office to sit on your rump and type on a computer all day. Or have 2 kids younger then 5 constantly bickering, while you clean the house,do the house chores,shop,do the laundry,cook dinner,discipline them,then here your mate whine when they come home about how hard THEIR day was while they go fall asleep on the couch never asking you about yours. Do that for a few weeks and see what your opinion is then on how much of a luxury it is.
You think staying home all day is a luxury? Let me ask you what is more exhausting here. Going to an air conditioned office to sit on your rump and type on a computer all day. Or have 2 kids younger then 5 constantly bickering, while you clean the house,do the house chores,shop,do the laundry,cook dinner,discipline them,then here your mate whine when they come home about how hard THEIR day was while they go fall asleep on the couch never asking you about yours. Do that for a few weeks and see what your opinion is then on how much of a luxury it is.
i think it depends how many kids you have. if you have 5 or more it's tough but less than that is a piece of cake. if a mother only has 4 or less kids dinner should be on the table and cooked properly when hubby gets home. afterr she does the dishes she should massage his feet for him and get him a drink so he can take his after work nap. then she'd better be ready for sex when it's bedtime. she should just thank her lucky stars she doesn't have to go to an actual job in the morning. did i get you?? lol.
Well, if it were me, before going to any counselling, I would assess MYSELF as if I were the third party. I would stare right at myself as a woman who never really knew life as a single person and who never knew how to fend for herself in this big world. I would think it's time for this woman to learn those things, instead of thinking that the problem is on the outside.
As much as I love the idea of staying at home with the kids, (and I think that's what I would do in the ideal world), - NOTHING can compare to the sense of independence, that only your own labor and subsequent results, can bring.
I did stay at home with the kids for 7 years, and even after that relatively short time I felt that something needed to be done. Yes, I felt like I was looked at as a piece of furniture *that will never leave* . Regardless of all the ideas of "the man brings in the bacon, the woman keeps the house", - the person bringing in the bacon does start noticing, (in the other person), the stagnation, the lack of life, the lack of spark, the furniture quality.
And so after 7 years, I mixed it up a bit, changed the figures on the chess board of life (went to work, went to school). No matter what anyone says (and especially therapists who work and therefore make their own living), making your own living frees you like nothing else. (frees you from depending on someone else making you happy).
I think you blowing life into your own life is long overdue. The smaller kids are probably not toddlers anymore. I predict if you stay in your current position of housewife, nothing will change, just the days will be biding towards your husband's retirement, when he actually will stay home (in another room) the whole day. The change can come only from you, and only from being responsible for the part of the bacon. You will see the world from the angle you've never seen (gosh I feel for those married out of school. After 20 years, they don't really define themselves outside of the family). You will feel the spark in yourself, instead of waiting for someone to light it up.
OP, it's very disheartening to hear that after 22 years of marriage, you are thinking about divorce because the last two years have been a challenge. I guess either you have felt this way for longer than you are letting on or you're an easy quitter. I'm not saying you should accept neglect in your marriage but to throw so many years together and disrupt your children's lives because of something just about EVERYONE is experiencing (rough economy, not enought time, etc) is a bit drastic don't you think?
I myself have been married 17 years (together 19) and I can say we've experienced our share of ups and downs. I might add that I'm in real estate so I KNOW what being stressed about money entails in a marriage. But I also think about all of the others who don't have anyone to curl up with at night, no children to come home to, heck, not even a home to come to at all and I begin to be thankful for my life. Is it perfect?....far from it. Could it be worse?.....oh yeah!!
You describe the classic family today that is overworked, have demanding lives and guess who get's pushed to the back. You and hubby. I can guarantee you he is feeling the same way you are it's just that the both of you are so spent that you just express your feelings through argument.
If this man is a good father then chances are he is a good husband too. I also agree with the poster who said to find a way to bring life to yourself as well as your marriage. You can't make someone else happy if you're not.
I wish you good luck and please know you are not alone in your situation. Many of us are in your shoes but we find a way to get through it. If your marriage is worth saving, please give it your best effort.
Thanks everyone for the advice. Even though my husband and I are having problems we still love each other. I think counseling would be the best thing. 2 of our children are away at college and we still have 2 at home. I think its for their best interest that my husband and I try everything we can to save the marriage then just throw in the towel. Yes we are catholic and I didnt know that they had any type of marriage counseling. I need to look into that. I also think that going out on some date nights would be good. Our lives are so wrapped up in our childrens lives and his work that we never take the time to just be us. We are a very busy family with the kids activities all week and we never have the time to spend alone. I guess I should be more sensitive to his feelings as well. After working all day and doing things with the kids, just sitting in a seperate room to watch a ball game alone is a way for him to be alone and relax. I just would like some more us time! We need to be more careful what we say to each other in front of the kids. Sometimes Its just hard not to. Thanks again.
Oh good, you are Catholic. If you get the Catholic Advance and you should, every Catholic gets it each week in the mail---read the articles on marriage in the Dec. 3rd paper.
Good articles in there. "Married couples: focus on each other, not the screen." Also, "Married couples: make your marriage a priority." If you do not get the Advance or have thrown it out already, they have it online. Go there and do a search on "helping marriages"
My neighbor, who is Catholic, didn't know the church had programs like Retrovaille when her marriage was in trouble. I guess when you are having so many problems you can get very internally focused and ignore what is out there. There is help if you look for it.
We know a couple who love each other but were looking for help to improve their marriage. They began to get some help by going to a Marriage Encounter weekend. It helped to put some sparks & excitement back into their union/marriage.
Definitely agree. And make sure you find the right therapist - many offer a free consultation on the phone. We went to a therapist that was both a marriage counselor and a divorce counselor. I guess he saw more money in a potential divorce with us, since he offered his divorce counseling services heavily during our first (and only) meeting. Since I was there to SAVE my marriage, that was obviously not a good match.
Finding the right counselor, that's the key.
I finally talked my second partner (of 3 years) into going to see a counselor. And he was one of these rare counselor's who wasn't going to drag out the counseling for weeks on end, to profit from it. After two sessions he said:
"You two are clearly incompatible, I don't see much hope here without major sacrifices being made by the both of you. I recommend dissolving this partnership."
Verdict accepted by both, Amen! And we've remained in contact to this day as friends.
Last edited by tijlover; 12-15-2010 at 05:20 PM..
Reason: edit
My husband and I have been married for 22 years. We have 4 children. 2 older and 2 younger. We were high school sweathearts. But for the past 2 years things are not the same. We dont have the same interests. He works, I stay home with the kids. Instead of having alone time when he comes home we stay in seperate rooms watching tv. We dont have a life outside of our kids activities. Since the downfall of the economy money has been an issue too. He has become very selfish with his time and lately everything revolves around him. Sex is at most 2x a month. He is home everynight so i know he is not with anyone else. Im just ready to call it quits. When I mention this to him he just ignores me. He thinks I will never leave. I have become very stressed with the kids, money situation, and no attention from him. He is a very good father I will give him that but, he is becoming like and old man way before I am ready to become an old lady. I understand things are very difficult today and people have all kinds of problems. Im just not handling it very well.
You think you have problems now??? Just separate and divorce, THEN you'll find out just what real problems are.
Look, your guy is a good dad, works hard to provide for you and your family, isn't cheating on you - this is the kind of marriage that is definitely worth saving.
So, he's taking you for granted and you are bored and need some attention - a good marriage counselor can save you from the train wreck you are heading for, IF you contact one now.
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I guess either you have felt this way for longer than you are letting on or you're an easy quitter. I'm not saying you should accept neglect in your marriage but to throw so many years together and disrupt your children's lives because of something just about EVERYONE is experiencing (rough economy, not enought time, etc) is a bit drastic don't you think? 
