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Well, OP, here's your support system. Calling your husband jealous and immature. Why don't you two go out for a drink with the manchild and beat up on your husband all night. I have a feeling the above is a willing participant.
Just because I disagree with you and agree with OP does not invalidate my opinion and experiences. I call it like I see it.
I've been through the whole gamut of this exact situation. I was a former musician and I have musician friends. It is a very weird sort of jealousy that men develop when they encounter other musicians - they think girls are just going to throw themselves at any musician like a groupie. Or that musicians will bond with each other not only musically, but emotionally and then sexually. This is not always true. A woman can be objective and enjoy the company of another musician on a platonic level. I could talk for hours one on one with another guy about music which would raise eyebrows, but anyone who knows the real situation is unlikely to make much of it.
Giving in to manchild behavior is not the answer. As OP said, she has tried to introduce them so they can get to know each other. She has been upfront with all of their communications. It's not like she's hiding some sort of devious relationship.
Just because I disagree with you and agree with OP does not invalidate my opinion and experiences. I call it like I see it.
I've been through the whole gamut of this exact situation. I was a former musician and I have musician friends. It is a very weird sort of jealousy that men develop when they encounter other musicians - they think girls are just going to throw themselves at any musician like a groupie. Or that musicians will bond with each other not only musically, but emotionally and then sexually. This is not always true. A woman can be objective and enjoy the company of another musician on a platonic level.
Giving in to manchild behavior is not the answer.
"This is not always true. A woman can be objective..."
Nice qualifiers. Too bad you're leaving out the variable: The friend. 20 to 1 says he can't be objective. He's already crossing lines he shouldn't be crossing by "confiding" in a married woman. What? He has no friends among his musician buddies?
It's not like the OP and her "friend" were buds the whole time the OP has known her husband. This guy wasn't part of the package. She just "found" him after being out of touch and took it upon herself to renew their friendship.
In all honesty, I think the friend is the snake in the grass here. Too bad the OP doesn't see it. If I can be really blunt, I think she's eating up all the attention.
Wow OP, you sound just like my soon-to-be ex-wife who had a male friend who was her little brother, who she ended up ****ing because I trusted her too much and tried to be the kind of guy that was cool with her having a bunch of male friends that I didn't know.
Moderator cut: No personal attacks.
Last edited by JustJulia; 03-08-2011 at 12:14 PM..
Why don't you go to the courthouse and see if you can read the reason his ex girlfriend took him to court. He probably cheated her out of money and she was trying to get it back.
Just having a break-up and taking him to court is very different. One is a headache and the other is a heart attack in comparison.
Did you try reversing roles and putting yourself in your husband's place? What if he got in touch w/ an old friend and wanted to spend time online w/ her on FB playing games and emailing? What if he wanted to follow her band around? What if he was bragging on a talent she had that you didn't?
good point, i agree. reversing roles solves problems!
Amazing how only the voices of reason agree w/ you. Why did you even post here if you didn't what to hear a different take of your relationship w/ your friend?
Is he your only male friend? What does your friend give you that your husband can't?
Is your husband too busy working to waste time playing WoW with you?
I'd love to hear the op's husband's side of the story. There really is not enough evidence.
However, your attitude towards your husband says a lot. You're willing to fight for a friendship which wasn't much of one since you lost contact for awhile until now. Why now? Why did you stop going to his shows for years and suddenly now you want to reconnect?
It sounds like you have a lot of free time on your hands to play games and spend time on the internet while your husband is working. He's working for both of you but you are focusing your attention on activities outside of your relationship. That is what makes you husband insecure.
And, if you immediately would have dropped your friend the second your husband mentioned he wasn't happy with it, he might have thought it over and realized it was wrong. It's the fact you argue with him about it raises a huge red flag and makes your husband even more suspicious.
There is something deeper going on here. I suspect there are issues between you and this guy merely represents what is hidden under the surface.
I'm not cheating!! I'm not even remotely attracted to my friend. He's always been like a little brother to me, nothing more. As friends, we just confide in one another.
Denial ain't just a river in Egypt. This, "little brother" remark along with calling your husband a jerk tells me right now that there is more to this friendship than you are letting on. It may be platonic right now, but I bet your husbands gut is picking up your attraction to this guy. Oh, you can say you aren't attracted to this guy, but the fight you are putting up to reconnect and bring him back into your life clearly says otherwise. You are clearly picking this friend over the guy that is supposed to be your partner, your lover for life. Yet you are on here trying to get support and calling the guy names? You represent a big problem with our society today. me me me me me. what about me? what about what I want? When you said "I do", you said goodbye to "doing whatever the hell I want" and same goes for your husband. You forfeited your right to be selfish when you got married. You guys are a team, and you are supposed to do whats best for the team.
So how about you stop being so selfish and own up to the vows you took? I am really exhausted at seeing so many woman dance on the line like this screaming "he's just a friend" and when they stumble across it's "whoops! I'm sorry!" I can see where this is going right now because your scenario is not unique, original or even rare. I see a few people are fooled, but then again they haven't been around the block as many times as some of us. They haven't been a part of the cheating process. I've slept with a few married women and I'm not proud of it. But every single one of them was a friend. A bad argument, a meet up for drinks, next thing you know, infidelity. I feel sorry for your husband, because you've lost sight of whats important and have placed this friend ahead of your husband. He's clearly upset because he knows how this is going to play out. He loses. And even if I'm wrong on your attraction or desire for this guy, I'm not wrong in knowing how what you are doing goes against your marriage. Just goes to show that loyalty in a marriage is a dying trait.
Nice qualifiers. Too bad you're leaving out the variable: The friend. 20 to 1 says he can't be objective. He's already crossing lines he shouldn't be crossing by "confiding" in a married woman. What? He has no friends among his musician buddies?
Um, how is confiding in a married woman crossing the line? People like to confide in their friends, period. And you act as if OP is so stupid she won't be able to detect (or to control the situation) if he is trying something shady. That's pretty condescending.
It seems you have received a lot of really good advice. I will just tell you that from personal experience it is a very "tempting" situation you are getting yourself into.
I have a male friend who I consider a close personal friend of mine. I have eaten out with him all alone just me & him and my significant other (not married, but have two children together) is completely ok with it. My male friend has bought me gifts in the past (jewelry included) and even comes over to my house without needing to announce himself. I see him as a brother and he confides personal information with me, as I do him. DIFFERENCE: a close and personal male friend like this is NEVER a friend that you just "happen" to run into again. A close and personal friend (of any sex) is ALWAYS a close and personal friend. This being said, this male friend of mine drove me to run errands when I was pregnant with my first child (with my boyfriend of 7 years who I am still with). My boyfriend and I were his witnesses to his marriage with his longtime girlfriend. And we also went to the hospital when we found out that his wife was in labor with their first child. I guess my point is, is that a really really good personal close friend of yours, whether male or female, you do not just lose contact with. If this guy was really a close & great personal friend of yours, he would have been invited to your wedding and you two would have NEVER lost touch. Just "food for thought".
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