Reluctant spouse doesn't want to move (partner, depression, pictures, respect)

[lakerider]

I too am in the same boat. My DH and I live in CA, we both grew up in the same "small town". We lost the home we lived in and have to move. CA is too $$$ and im not even sure if i can transfer with my job that i love. all our family is here. we already looked at one state. i didnt care for it, he loved it! he is pushing really hard for a move out of CA and I dont know if i am ready for that or if i am just scared. for everyone else it seems to be an easy choice. how do you know what state to even move to if you have never been there? leaving our family our support behind to finally live the life style we want. i dont want to make the wrong choice for my family our girls are so young.

[jazo82]

Ok, here is my situation:

just got a job offer in Houston, TX (Federal Go'vt) a pretty good job that i can see it will be a good career for me in the long run and totally meets my profile for this position. The problem is this: We are currently residing in Northern VA and have most of our immediate family members in living nearby. My wife currently works here and I do as well with the Federal Govt. At first, it was in "our" interest to move as I was talking about a job that i may be getting in TX. After I got the offer, her feet started getting cold and she became hestitant of moving and leaving her job behind along with family members, friends etc. I've been looking for a while to get this position and somehow it turned out in TX although I put other applications closer in my area, but haven't heard anything yet. The reason I am interested in leaving my current position is for a better work environment and to be able to work with people who actually are a bit smarter, but I guess i probably will not find this in my current position being in Customer Service (placed politically into this position in order to bring house in order I guess the toughest decision I am facing is the fact that i cannot move into other positions with my current salary because the job that I am in is specific. Either i can take a lateral move in the federal gov't or go back to school and pursue other career goals. Any suggestions??

[NCN]

Originally Posted by notAnotherWinter

I'm curious if others have experienced the reluctant spouse?

Job and money-wise, it makes the most sense to move now, but my wife hates the idea. Part of it is her reluctance to change in general...but, I know she'll adapt well. And probably love it.

We live up north and no longer enjoy the winters. We have no family within 1000 miles and interact with friends more online/on the phone than in person.

So, I don't want my wife to resent the move, but our quality of life here is deteriorating...

Has anyone else had a very reluctant spouse when you considered relocating?

Any advice?


thanks.

My sil would not move from beside her parents when her husband was out of work and found a job in our own state. He ended up having to start his own business in town. It worked out because he is a wonderful person but I have always wondered what he thought about her lack of co-operation. I think she missed an opportunity. I wonder now if she is wishing she had gone because he is retired and she can't because the county they live in has such a sorry retirement. I have noticed that when the woman starts wearing the pants in the family they end up getting choked by them.

My son was recently out of work and finding a job in another location was not an option for him either. I don't understand it but than I adapt easily to whatever my husband takes on and consider it an adventure. His family would be much better off financially if she were able to be more flexible, I think. I bite my tongue when I hear about the fact that they need more income. Sometimes the jobs are just not there and you have to move. I definitely think their marriage is more important than moving but sometimes I feel he is being abused by a lack of co-operation on her part and then the references to the low salary. If you want more money than help the husband make it by going where the money is. You don't tie a mans hands behind his back and then expect him to function.

This may be more common than we all know. I have always been taught, "Whether thou goest, I will go. Whether thou lodgest, I will lodge. Thou people will be my people and thou God, my God"--as long as it is Christian. I don't think I could go any other way with religion.

I am enjoying the fruits of my co-operation. My Social Security is less than my husbands but my retirement check from my job is actually more then his retirement check is from his job. I could still be back where the sil is if I had not gone along when he needed me to move. My package also includes medical. I think I heard their package does not. I had some difficult times bringing up two children with a husband that ended up in other locations for computer schools and I had to do it all while he was away, but the reward now is well worth it. I paid my dues and now I am living the good life.

[lulu5005]

How many sad stories. May I add another one?

I'm from Europe and grew up in a very large city. I'm a 'city person'. I like cosmopolitan-metropolitan areas. My husband is American, laid back country guy. He did not want to live where I was so I relocated to USA to his small town. As a 'big city person' I had a cultural shock of a small town and a lot of troubles adjusting to the primitive area of closed minded citizens. (sorry don't want to offend anyone). But I was trying very hard to adjust. ..

During the course of our marriage I was telling him how I do not feel like I belong here, how deprived I was and was suggesting to move to a big city. His only response was' I grew up here, this is my home'.

Well, after 15 years of our marriage nothing has changed. I NEVER adjusted, I HATE to live in small town, I HATE BEIG HERE , I DO NOT BELONG here and it is not me.

2 weeks ago he agreed to move to Chicago. I started working with real estate agents, picking some properties for reviews, researching the city , schools etc ... HE said he would move. For me.
One everything has changed: his family called him and persuaded not to leave. They all grew up here so it was easy for them to convince my husband to stay. So, today my husband said that he is not going anywhere .

In case you wander: I lost my jobs 3 times and currently unemployed AGAIN and pretty sure I could have better chances in a big city. All of my friends are gone - one moved to L.A., another to San Francisco. So leaving this miserable town means I lose nothing.
My spouse is unemployed and on disability. Inherited some $$$ and can afford to buy a property. I agreed to pay other bills, provided I find a job. He also does not have friends here. He also has issues with alcohol.
Plus, to add salt to the injury : our marriage is sexless. So............ I have been thinking to end this misery once and for all, to pull the plug and leave him for good. To go where I belong... The sad part is we have a son and he told me he wants to live with 'dada and momma'. How can I do this to my son ? Wait till he grows up and understand everything? But im already in my 40s, how much longer can I wait?
I DO NOT BELONG HERE. I don't want to be buried here I need to leave but I cant. My son will be affected.

[TNDudewantstomovetoFL]

I'm in the same boat. We were living in MI and I took a job transfer a long time ago to TN. We both agreed, when I would receive my pension, we would move to Florida. I retired 6 years ago and she doesn't want to move to Florida because she has a part time job and many friends she refuses to leave behind. In TN, it's either freezing cold or burning up outside, so I spend my time indoors most of the time. Last year, I got a full time job because I was bored and had to resign recently because of physical problems. The longer I wait to move, the harder it will be for me physically to move. I was planning to buy a condo in FL to spend some time down there when the weather was bad, but I can't fit it in the budget. Any suggestions?

[Huddleup]

I have a similar situation and I am lost. My wife and I have been married 3 years but have never lived together. I was near end of my career in military when we married. After my retirement, I got accepted to Law School in a major city about 90 miles away from where she lives with our 2 infant children and her son (my stepson).

I would love for her to relocate to be with me while I'm going through law school, but she insist on not leaving our hometown (she has never lived anywhere else).

Since she refuses to move we now have 2 households. I have an apartment in the city where I attend law school and she has her house that she had with her first husband and refuses to let it go.

I just want to be with my family while going through school. As it stands now, she questions every second that I'm not in my apartment studying...I tell her that sometimes I have other events to go to that take me away from the apartment. She's not here with me so she doesn't see the daily grind.

[atlmom5]

My husband has an opportunity to relocate to Miami, I want to support him, but I don't want to leave Atlanta. We have 5 children, but only 4 of our children will be making the move because our oldest is a Freshman in college. My issue with the move is I don't want to move the rest of our children out of school here. We have a 10th grader,9th grader,7th grader and 5th grader, and I love the schools in our area. My 10th grader has been in the same school cluster since 1st grade, so we have a solid foundation set up in this area, and the kids and I both don't want to let go. I really want to support my husband and be happy for him, but I'm not ready to leave yet. If our kids were just starting their school years I might've been a lot more open to the move, and also I don't care for the Miami area for raising kids, but it has more to do with me wanting the kids to finish their high school years here. I'm seriously thinking about staying here during the school year and during breaks and the summer then going down to stay. I'm so glad that I found this board, it makes me feel a whole lot better to know that I'm not alone in my feelings.

[mikestrong]

I sell homes, and I have seen couples divorce in the process of relocation where one of the persons was being made to move, and finally had enough. Its one thing if there is no option(job loss if dont relocate), but its a fine line.

Just a few months ago we had a couple relocating from FL. We started building the home, and 60 days before closing(4 months after they purchased) the wife said no. They walked away from 15k in earnest money, because the guy said it would cause a divorce.

[Rogarven]

I am third generation in this medium sized city. Had both sets of grandparents and parents living here. I brought my wife back here in '74 and started my teaching career . Wife had teaching jobs as well. Fast forward to 2012, now all my family is gone that lived here, daughter is living in Philly. Both are retired and doing well financially. We have great friends here and connections but I am ready to move to Northern AZ. We both have family in Sacramento so we would be closer to family. However, wife says she will not move. I am ready to move and wanting a smaller city and different population. Also, we would be closer to major health services in PHX. Wife has a chronic health condition which, while not curable, would get much better care. I also have relatives in PHX area as well. I am frustrated as when I was looking at property in N.AZ, in 2010 -11, it was really cheaper. Now, prices are starting to climb. It is hard for me not to be resentful of this as I really don't want to live out my last days here. After 40 years, divorce is not an option. Thanks for sharing your stories as it makes me feel I am not alone.

[hooper18]

I have never replied to this site before. Actually this is my first time on any type of forums. But. I am actually going through almost the exact some feelings you expressed. Except I am out West and wanting to move back East closer to my Family. Husband does the same as yours.

THank you for sharing your thoughts.

Originally Posted by cpatton

I was the semi-reluctant spouse.

I moved from the west to the east with my new husband. I was led to believe it would be temporary and counted the years until he was done with school. Then came the job offers. Nothing too great in the west and we ended up staying because we got a great offer here (the reason is because nobody wants to be here lol).
I was so broken hearted when my hopes were gone, but I felt I had little room to complain because I am sooo blessed.

I have sacrificed and I don't believe it was worth it.
My children have been raised without knowing their cousins and my side of the family.
I was a lonely mother with few close friends because they all move away after being here for a short time.
My parents both died and I felt cheated not being able to spend time in their last years. I missed my parents 50th wedding anniversary. My mother was given 2 months to live and my husband acted as if he were really put out by my wanting to be there for a few weeks. I felt guilty and torn.
l know he didn't mean to be that way, but he was.
He wants me to like it here and for the most part I fake it. But in my honest heart I really do not like the east. I hate the weather. I miss my family because they are all so close and they do so much together. My husband's family is boring and there are no good "mentor" or good examples there for my children to connect with. Except his mother who is an angel.
I have tried to find my happy place and have and I try to see the good. But the inner most part of my soul wants to move. It won't happen and so I choose to hide my pain. My husband only knows of the tip of the iceberg of how I feel because I don't want him to worry for me.

I didn't know what I was getting into and I didn't know how permanent it would be.