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I know this an older thread, but I just came across it. It funny how so many people have/are going thru the same thing that I currently am.
My wife and I have been married for 10 years and have been together for 19 years. Since day one I have always said that I did not want to spend the rest of my life here in NY. She has know this. There was always some sort of excuse to put the move off. Well in 2006 we finally decided to move to Jacksonville, FL. We moved and stayed there until 2008. She decided she hated it down there. Not sure why and she never has said why either. She pushed and pushed and pushed for us to move back. At that point we had just finished remodeling our house and we both had excellent jobs. We had bought at the height of the real estate and put a lot of money into our house. I told her let's try to ride the estate market out. Plus at that time the company I was working for was putting me thru school to finish my engineering degree. I told her give me 4 years then we can look at things then. She didn't want to wait. Again kept pushing and pushing. Then some how she got her parents involved with this. Now I have my wife and mother inlaw beating me up about moving back to NY. So finally I give in. Sell the house for about $100,000 loss that we had to pay out of our pocket. Wiped out everything we had worked out entire lives for. In return her parents tell us that they will cover the down payment and moving costs. Well after months of dealing with this. We finally get back to NY. All this at this point have taken it's toll on the marriage. Now we are back in NY, she is living at her parents house and I'm staying at my friends house. After months of trying to work things out and countless marriage counselling we get back together and start looking for a house here. We find one got thru the mortgage process about 48hrs before closing we ask her parents for the money that they had agreed to give us. They tell us, sorry we have decided to not give you the money because we feel the marriage isn't the most stable and don't want to "invest" in the marriage.
Now fast forward to the end of 2012. I'm working at a company where my job status is week to week whether or not I'm going to get laid. Struggle to find new work. I get a job offer in Florida. Very good money and can live at my grandparents old house for VERY little rent money a month. My grandparents house is owned by my parents being both of my grandparent pasted away last year.
So after typing this long ass story to try to give the details. I tell my wife that I think we should move to FL. I can give us a better life and very little living expenses. I'm tired of the cold and snow. I have hated this "stuff" my entire life. I feel I moved back to try to keep this marriage together. My wife put it out there that she was moving back regardless of what I wanted and she did. She left to sell the house and pack and move the entire thing by myself. So I'm typing this as I'm packing my garage/shop up to make this journey again by myself. She told me that I can move and she will decide after I'm gone if she can or can't live without me being a part of her life.
Good luck.
If it's any consolation, I think you are making the right decision.
I'm sorry your wife isn't more supportive, but if the relationship is meant to be, she will recognise the validity of your reasons for returning to FL and join you.
If not, then unfortunately, your marriage may be over.
But it is better to find out now than to waste more years of your life being unhappy.
You've done more than your fair share of compromising.
Now it's her turn.
This is a very good thread and hopefully it has helped those of us in this situation. My situation is not unlike many others on this thread. I am originally from California, but moved to New England 25 years ago and have always hated it. I'm a "sun" person and that is in limited quantity here. During the past 25 years I have moved around the country a bit, living in 12 different states. I got married 8 years ago to a woman from Rhode Island (where I've lived for the past 10 years). She has never lived anywhere but the town where she was born. That's not uncommon with New Englanders. She has known since we met that I would like to get back out West. For her, it was her friends that were keeping her here. She's the "cruise director" of the group and likes the feeling of being needed by others, not a bad thing
We own our own company which can function anywhere, plus I have a sales job that I can do from anywhere. She went back to college and is working on her nursing degree (in her late 30s, good for her!). We've been talking about moving after she finishes college, either North Carolina or Las Vegas. We have a few friends in each location. We just got back from a week in Las Vegas and decided to move there. Like, now. It took 8 years, but she is finally ready to make the move. I am the more "gung-ho" for the move, as she hates change. Any change. She's very nervous about leaving her circle of friends, which is understandable. I am the adventurous one. So, for now, she is on board. We're moving June 3rd and have the moving van already booked. We're both nervous and a bit overwhelmed, but excited. We'll let you know how it works out
I am the more adventuress spouse married 15 yrs to one that doesn't like change. We are currently considering a relo to CT from northern VA for a promotional opportunity for him. We have 2 middle school kids and I work part-time. I have relocated twice before we were married, always on the east coast. He has only lived in VA, with his hometown 4 hours from where he's been for the past 20 years.
This is a good opportunity for him career-wise after many years of working towards this. He was initially excited but is now having cold feet about the change. Nothing has been finalized yet so it's all talk at this point.
Although we are in a fine situation where we are now, I think this is too good an opportunity for him to pass up. We are both close to 50, kids heading to college in a few years, thinking of our eventual retirement.....I feel like it's now or never. Taking into consideration the ages of our kids I know it won't be an easy change, but the area we are considering has great opportunities for them as well.
My husband is now focusing on all the negatives of a move there.....chief among them the high taxes and liberal-leaning political views of CT. I feel like these are just excuses to not have to make a change out of his comfort zone.
He's got a point on the taxes.. New England (with the exception of NH) has insane taxes. In RI, there really is nothing going for the state unless you want coastline that is useable for 3 months out of the year. And yes, the liberal-leaning is worse here than CA in my opinion (or better if you're a liberal, I s'pose). Weather for us is the primary reason for moving. I just can't take the darkness and cold anymore.
Just to give a little more background, I grew up moving across several states approximately every 4-5 years, but my wife grew up in the same house until she left for college.
For those with kids, how did they adjust? We have 4 kids that will do fine in a good public school and 1 child that will need a small private school setting so I know that will be an obstacle. I know we can overcome all of these things, but damn I dread the turmoil...
NOW I find out your wife grew up in the same house, and.....that explains a lot. However, moving for most people is hard, with exceptions. While my three siblings grades dropped briefly after a move, mine went up!
How do the kids feel about it? An adventure of the unknown awaits them, and mom. The discussion should go to committee?
And the general rule of thumb has seemed to be two years to adjust to a new environment. That is, to get truly established. It may actually happen faster for the kids, as school structure has it's similarities everywhere.
Note: this thread is unique in that I don't have a clue where most of the postings are originating from/going to.
Great thread and I hope this one stays active. Reading through the posts gives me some reassurance that folks are going through some of the same challenges that we are.
Our situation is similar yet a bit different. My husband has a very well paying job in NYC however he is miserable there for a variety of reasons-long commute (close to 4 hours per day), politics in his organization, work stagnation, etc. Benefits are great and the company does take care of employees quite well--fully catered lunches each day, great health/dental, four weeks of vacation, fantastic bonues, etc. With all of this, it is hard to escape what I call the velvet handcuffs of the job. Money is great, quality of life is not.
We have our sights set on Texas for a number of reasons. I've traveled through Texas quite a bit during my military days and a few years ago, we took a family vacation to Dallas and looked around including hooking up with a realtor to see what we could get for our money (quite depressing compared to NJ). I loved it--like the people, don't mind the heat although flying into Texas one summer was like a furnace blast although spending six weeks at Ft. Polk, LA wasn't much better, lol. Hot, hot, hot!! From a quality of life persepctive, I think that a move would be great for us. We are willing to take a significant paycut as well since salaries aren't going to be on par with what he could make in NYC. We don't have family here in NJ so it is easy to cuts ties. We actually have some family and friends in Texas.
Here is the problem. He is miserable. Our kids, especially my daughter is miserable since she has had a number of issues with other kids since Kingergarten. She has no friends in our neighborhood and is socially isolated. A new girl her age moved in a few houses down but one of the ringleaders got to her and now she doesn't associate with my daughter. I know that her problems will go with her whether we move to Texas or any other state but she has made progress in therapy and everyone agrees that a fresh start is needed. She is at the point where she can't continue in her current school so I need to start thinking about other alternatives if we don't move. She will be going into 8th grade. Both kids are onboard with the move and ready to go.
Even though everyone is miserable, my husband is suffering from inertia in finding a new job. He interviewed for a couple of jobs in Texas--was one signature away from a job in Dallas but new management came in and put a stop to new hires. Another job was in Austin and was so close but they decided to hold off on a new hire. There are opportunities out there. He is being strangely resistant to applying and getting his resume out there. I've been proactive in sending him opportunites but there is always that excuse of why the job wouldn't be good. He may lack one qualification or he has suspicions about the pay not being that good. He even made contact with one company who filled the position he was interested in but the HR gal told him to upload his resume since there are other opportunities. Nada. He has a few contacts out there in Texas but he isn't getting off his butt to call them. He isn't linking up with recruiters. I keep asking him and it is always, "next weekend I will get around to it." Now when I ask him about the job hunt, he gives me a semi snarky answer. Even doing things around the house is met with resistance. It is like we will be here another 20 years.
I've thought about packing up and moving at times. Let me get the kids situated in a new place and when my husband is ready to truly start job hunting, we will be out there waiting (he loves Texas btw). I can't bring myself to taking this step. With my daughter's issues and my son's insecurity about things, they need their dad. It would also seriously depress my husband. So I'm stuck in this rut too and really don't know what to do. Here we sit, all of us miserable and just waiting.
Sorry to vent but typing this all out does help and I certainly hope this interesting thread continues.
My husband & I have always been on the same page moving around, but it is still so stressful, I can totally understand how, if one spouse isn't 100% behind themove, how it could be a fatal blow to the marriage.
I am feeling lately i made a mistake in getting married. My husband is wonderful and i feel like i will leave him bc in ten yrs i will be 52 but he will be in his 40s about 8yrs younger. Problrm is im not close with his family bc they are very italian and our thoughts clash. My visits are pleasant but not real. Definitely not thrilling visits. I do it out of respect for my husband. Prob is i dont want to live in ny in the next ten yrs however he wants to stay here bc he cant leave his parents. Meanwhile he has a brother and sister that are near the parents. How can i wait til they pass to move? Is that fair to me? I feel that in a few yrs i will lose my patience and just leave. Im so hurt. I told my hudband this may seperate us and he was furiou but im furious too bc i have to wait until his parents pass?
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One traveled, the other didn't
