Reluctant spouse doesn't want to move (kids, friends, beautiful, internet)
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Relocation really tears families apart unless both the spouses do it with a happy heart.
A dear friend of ours moved all over the country following her husband's military career. She would have preferred to stay in California near her family, but she knew that wasn't possible if she wanted to stay married to this man and raise their children together.
She threw her heart into it. Once the kids were in school, she developed a career in real estate/banking/title search so that they could live in nice homes and develop real estate equity over the years. As far as I could tell, she did it with a happy heart.
It did not turn out well. One child died in a motorcycle wreck. Another has mental health struggles and is currently homeless. The third is an alcoholic and a continuing financial drain.
And to top it off, her husband left her after 25 years. Apparently, he had been having affairs and thought he'd found the love of his life. They divorced, a year later he begged her to take him back but she'd had it.
She now lives in California with a fellow who treats her like a queen.
But she missed helping her mother through her last years, the support of extended family with raising their kids, the closeness with siblings and long time friends...
She doesn't make a big deal of it. You make your choices and take your chances.
But she did with a happy heart and it still turned to dust.
Well, I agree. I said that statement assuming the other factors in the relationships remain 'good'.
I ,for one, hate relocation and it tears me apart. Every time my husband speaks of it, I feel like divorcing him
It is so hard for us to 'make' ourselves happy despite knowing we are not happy with it. We do it for the sake of family or spouse only to know years later that it was actually not worth it. Sad.
Quote:
Originally Posted by PatRoy1
A dear friend of ours moved all over the country following her husband's military career. She would have preferred to stay in California near her family, but she knew that wasn't possible if she wanted to stay married to this man and raise their children together.
She threw her heart into it. Once the kids were in school, she developed a career in real estate/banking/title search so that they could live in nice homes and develop real estate equity over the years. As far as I could tell, she did it with a happy heart.
It did not turn out well. One child died in a motorcycle wreck. Another has mental health struggles and is currently homeless. The third is an alcoholic and a continuing financial drain.
And to top it off, her husband left her after 25 years. Apparently, he had been having affairs and thought he'd found the love of his life. They divorced, a year later he begged her to take him back but she'd had it.
She now lives in California with a fellow who treats her like a queen.
But she missed helping her mother through her last years, the support of extended family with raising their kids, the closeness with siblings and long time friends...
She doesn't make a big deal of it. You make your choices and take your chances.
But she did with a happy heart and it still turned to dust.
Moves can tear a family apart. So you also have to decide what is more important to you: moving? Or your family? Moving is right up there with lying and cheating when it comes to resentment
This could be rephrased.
What is more important, your spouse or staying in an area where your spouse has no desire to be??
When two people don't agree on a move, the one living in the current location has an obvious advantage that the other will come to resent big time. Trust me on this. Be careful how you work the situation. To borrow part of your statement: Staying is right up there with lying and cheating when it comes to resentment.
After almost 8 years together, 6 years married, when I have said from day one that I will not stay he now tells me he refuses to go.
I am heartbroken
I don't want to sound harsh, but be glad you don't have kids yet. Your husband is being extremely selfish and downright disingenuous. How well do you really know the man? Doesn't sound like his word means a whole lot.
If it were me I would give and ultimatum and move forward.
I'm curious if others have experienced the reluctant spouse?
Job and money-wise, it makes the most sense to move now, but my wife hates the idea. Part of it is her reluctance to change in general...but, I know she'll adapt well. And probably love it.
We live up north and no longer enjoy the winters. We have no family within 1000 miles and interact with friends more online/on the phone than in person.
So, I don't want my wife to resent the move, but our quality of life here is deteriorating...
Has anyone else had a very reluctant spouse when you considered relocating?
Any advice?
thanks.
When I was 11, we moved to near where I now live. We had lived in a nice, lovely and friendly suburb of Chicago and my dad took us on vacation to Florida. Of course, he knew this was our new home (it was Christmastime) and we were here for 2 weeks, then 1 more and 1 more. By that time, we had all made friends, the weather was great and we didn't want to leave.
Years later, though, I asked my mother what she thought and she was very sad about leaving the Chicago area. However, she made the best of it and we never knew that she wasn't 100% for it.
Is your wife involved in any organizations? Does she work? What worked for my mother is the church. She found a wonderful congregation which she felt part of until her dying day. She also was a very active participant in the community as well.
One way to help figure this out is to write your options on index cards, fold them so they stand up and place them in front of you.
Then discard the lower ranking choices until you get to the ones you can't decide between. Have someone else stand in front of you and reach down to randomly discard one at a time.
If that person grabs the card that you can't do without, you'll know. Your instinct will be to grab it back.
Never gamble more than you can stand to lose.
Wow - how true. Reading all these threads have just made me feel so sad for all the families and how lives have changed so much and how families are spread all over the place. Seriously, some really want to go, want that change, sense of adventure (I have a daughter like that). In my own situation, I would hate to leave my family but I want to be with my husband.
Some of these situations are just heartbreaking, especially DJ Brosco. Please let us know how it goes.
Is staying married to a man who disregards your your dreams and desires worth the price you'll pay? Good luck.
Now, wait a minute. What if the husband's dreams and desires are to stay in the current state? Which person's hopes and dreams should be disregarded? How does her desire TO move get to automatically trump His desire NOT to move? I don't think it is as simple as him needing to follow HER dreams and desires.
What is more important, your spouse or staying in an area where your spouse has no desire to be??
When two people don't agree on a move, the one living in the current location has an obvious advantage that the other will come to resent big time. Trust me on this. Be careful how you work the situation. To borrow part of your statement: Staying is right up there with lying and cheating when it comes to resentment.
Nobody wants to feel trapped or stuck.
You're right I didn't word it very well. I didn't mean that the OP should move. I meant that the OP shouldn't move without a lot of thought and contemplation, and that the OP and the OP's partner need to work through it together. Because moving without considering your partner or working through it together is a recipe for relationship disaster.
Just found this thread, and it's certainly timely for me.
I can add another perspective/story to the "spouse doesn't want to leave" saga.
We moved to the Pacific Northwest from the most beautiful part of California, 8 years ago, because my husband had a great job offer, and we wanted to try something new. Well, the first year or so was great... then after a series of job disasters and having to sell 3 dream houses in a row (don't ask!) we are still here. I can honestly say that I hate it here. I have tried to love it... I have tried to make friends, etc. But I cannot function where it is drizzly, dark, and gray, 9 months or so out of the year.
I have desperately missed California for most of my time here. We tried to move back once a few years ago, but he had another job disaster, and we had to come back here. Husband knows that I cannot function up here, no matter how hard I try, and that our quality of life and relationship hasn't weathered the climate well. (pun intended.)
He just cannot wrap his head around leaving because of his fears related to the job losses he dealt with for the past 8 years, and he has come to really love being near a big city and his interests have changed as a result. But, I cannot stay. The things we used to love doing together in California, cannot be done here, and I just haven't found anything here that interests me, and I am not myself. Even he says that I'm a different person in the right climate. It's not just SADisorder, it's a lifestyle thing.
We're getting a divorce, and much of the reason is the inability to agree on a plan to move. Crazy, huh? But we're finding that no matter how we try to spin it, i can't stay and he won't leave. And the relationship, I guess, is not enough to get either of us to compromise on it. Sometimes people feel very very strongly about their surroundings. I'm a crummy wife here... and he acknowledges that. We've been debating this for over 2 years now.
I'm not thrilled with having to start over, and moving all alone, but we cannot make this work here. Sad, but true.
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Faithful Frank had excellent advice
