Reluctant spouse doesn't want to move (loving, friend, daughter, neighbor)
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If I were to move to my parent's country... the reluctant spouse would be my DH.
But, being that my spouse is the most important person in my life & I am literally on the other side of the globe from my parents & family... I am that "willing" spouse.
It is just not "logical" for me to make him move when really our roots since marriage is set around his side of the family.
He did tell me how lucky he is that he never did experience nor have to experience the "in-law" problems like many of his colleague does.
If & when DH decides to move (which he has already done many times during our years married), I'll have no qualms moving... it just is my way (even culturally).
Doglover 2-We as humans will always have anxiety when trying something in our lives it is at different levels. Moving is a very high anxiety since it is a life change. Just a few things to consider and ask hubby about:
Have you went to these places and vacationed at these places in N and S Carolina? If yes, have you been there consecutively for at 10 years once a year? the reason why I ask is we always think that some places are better places to live but once we get there we find out it is not.
Why does your husband feel trapped? Have him give you some good reasons and look within his heart.
Then list out your reasons for staying. Leaving the place you are living people have in their mind will change everything but usually those problems follow you no matter where you live and you have to deal with them first before changing your location. Problems always have your forwarding address.
I agree wholeheartedly on the sun thing we all need vitamin d and the more you move north the less you get, I grew up in the north but now in the southern. Good Luck and I hope I helped!
IMHO, I think this is a big part of the problem. He misses when the kids when they were younger. He thinks it would be the same if we move back. Everyone tells him it's not. (big part why we moved) I also think he's not happy now because the economy and that has caused a decrease in work. I think he thinks if he moves somewhere, he will find a job and things will be great. I try to explain it's bad everywhere. He also wants to leave the past behind and feels moving will do that. It old him I'm willing to try it by honestly, the grass isn't always greener on the other side. We are making it now (paying the bills) and hate to take the chance and lose that. Not too mention, I do like where I live.
Tough decision but I know it can destroy a relationship.
Dog Lover: I can feel your pain in the first part of your response is that "he misses when the kids were younger" have you expressed that he will have another chance at this when the grandbaby is born. If you live farther apart then it would be hard to see them and be a part of the family new parents always need a break and ask your son/daughter if you and husband can help. Do not let that keep you there however because you never know when the kids may move away. I do not envy anyone in the job market today employers are asking more out of people working today then they did in the past-just great for employees' health both mental and physical. You may want to see about him getting a hobby if he has none. I would highly suggest NOT moving anywhere unless you have a job lined up prior to the move. Find a city he wants to move to-go there for a vacation and check into the housing market and job market have him apply for jobs and see if he gets any bites. In the meantime the grandbaby will come and maybe that will help ease the anxiety that he has. Everyone has it due to the economy it is all dull and gloom but the grandbaby might spark a little light on the horizon. Good luck!!!!
Dog Lover: I can feel your pain in the first part of your response is that "he misses when the kids were younger" have you expressed that he will have another chance at this when the grandbaby is born. If you live farther apart then it would be hard to see them and be a part of the family new parents always need a break and ask your son/daughter if you and husband can help. Do not let that keep you there however because you never know when the kids may move away. I do not envy anyone in the job market today employers are asking more out of people working today then they did in the past-just great for employees' health both mental and physical. You may want to see about him getting a hobby if he has none. I would highly suggest NOT moving anywhere unless you have a job lined up prior to the move. Find a city he wants to move to-go there for a vacation and check into the housing market and job market have him apply for jobs and see if he gets any bites. In the meantime the grandbaby will come and maybe that will help ease the anxiety that he has. Everyone has it due to the economy it is all dull and gloom but the grandbaby might spark a little light on the horizon. Good luck!!!!
I can't agree with you more. I think he's in denial about it. I think once work picks up, he'll feel better. He tends to get this way every winter b/c there is no work for 2-3 months. He says every year, he wants to pick up another job but never seems to find one. The rest of the year is usually steady with work. It keeps his mind off things.
As far as visiting places, we have done that over the years. It is what has helped us narrow it down. The last place he chose, we only visited 4 days. I think we should definitely visit a few more times. He thinks we should look for jobs before we move but he says "don't worry, I'll find work one way or another". To me that's not very smart.
I'm kind of in a similar position now. I grew up in FL and met my husband here (he's from NJ). We both agreed to move to North Georgia 6 years ago. It worked well for 4 years and then I got desperate to move back "home" to FL. (meanwhile, he had also grown tired of the area, but he didn't want to move back to FL - he wanted to move to New Hampshire instead)
Well, we've been back almost 2 years and I'm not convinced this is the place for us. Things have changed in many ways (including career wise). Plus the cost of living is sky high here compared to Georgia.
I'm considering a move to the next county over (where I grew up) because our current county is NOT for me (we both agree on this for the most part). However, homes are very expensive over there right now. A benefit is we would be closer to my parents (we're an hour away now) and we would be closer to jobs and all of the activities in the metro Orlando area. (One reason we moved back to FL is so our kids can be closer to their grandparents)
The problem is my husband is really desperate to move to New Hampshire of all places! I do understand (and agree with) many of his motivations. However, that place is frozen! It gets dark at 4:15 PM in the winter and we don't know a soul up there. We did visit once and got a good feel for the area, but that was in the best part of the year (early fall!).
So my poor husband has thrown in the towel. He says he will do whatever I want, but I wonder if he will just complain and be miserable if we end up staying in FL. (he says he will NOT do this)
Lots to think about. I don't even know where I want to be, but I'm not at all confident that I could "hack it" in New Hampshire. I was pretty depressed in GA with the dark winters and bare trees. (but I was also confined to the house with a newborn and a 2-year old, so that was part of the problem, and I was concerned that my husband was going to lose his job) We went out of the frying pan and into the fire in many ways.
So this time, we are taking our time and researching all aspects. I was stressed out of my mind with his constant pushing us to move to NH last summer after he was laid off. One can only take so much change. At that time, neither one of us had a job or any reason to stay here, so he was pushing to move to NH, but it didn't feel right to me.
All I know is I need to settle down somewhere and buy a house. This time, I will be happy with where we end up because we can't keep moving forever! We're too old for that, and our oldest son is already in kindergarten. The kids need stability, but we also have to be able to earn a living, and if the weather is horrible either way (too frozen or too hot), one of us won't be happy!
I'm kind of in a similar position now. I grew up in FL and met my husband here (he's from NJ). We both agreed to move to North Georgia 6 years ago. It worked well for 4 years and then I got desperate to move back "home" to FL. (meanwhile, he had also grown tired of the area, but he didn't want to move back to FL - he wanted to move to New Hampshire instead)
Well, we've been back almost 2 years and I'm not convinced this is the place for us. Things have changed in many ways (including career wise). Plus the cost of living is sky high here compared to Georgia.
I'm considering a move to the next county over (where I grew up) because our current county is NOT for me (we both agree on this for the most part). However, homes are very expensive over there right now. A benefit is we would be closer to my parents (we're an hour away now) and we would be closer to jobs and all of the activities in the metro Orlando area. (One reason we moved back to FL is so our kids can be closer to their grandparents)
The problem is my husband is really desperate to move to New Hampshire of all places! I do understand (and agree with) many of his motivations. However, that place is frozen! It gets dark at 4:15 PM in the winter and we don't know a soul up there. We did visit once and got a good feel for the area, but that was in the best part of the year (early fall!).
So my poor husband has thrown in the towel. He says he will do whatever I want, but I wonder if he will just complain and be miserable if we end up staying in FL. (he says he will NOT do this)
Lots to think about. I don't even know where I want to be, but I'm not at all confident that I could "hack it" in New Hampshire. I was pretty depressed in GA with the dark winters and bare trees. (but I was also confined to the house with a newborn and a 2-year old, so that was part of the problem, and I was concerned that my husband was going to lose his job) We went out of the frying pan and into the fire in many ways.
So this time, we are taking our time and researching all aspects. I was stressed out of my mind with his constant pushing us to move to NH last summer after he was laid off. One can only take so much change. At that time, neither one of us had a job or any reason to stay here, so he was pushing to move to NH, but it didn't feel right to me.
All I know is I need to settle down somewhere and buy a house. This time, I will be happy with where we end up because we can't keep moving forever! We're too old for that, and our oldest son is already in kindergarten. The kids need stability, but we also have to be able to earn a living, and if the weather is horrible either way (too frozen or too hot), one of us won't be happy!
It's enough to make you crazy. I pretty much like everything about FL but the heat and how long it lasts. I tell myself that is the trade off. The heat is a major reason that my husband doesn't like it here. He's complaining already because today was hot. I think, only if I could find an area similar to where we live in the Carolinas, I might be OK.
I'm with you, I can't do cold, dreary days for days on end. You would think GA would have a decent amount of sunshine in the winter. I'm told they do in the Carolinas but I think it's similar to GA. I like the sunshine.
I'm afraid to move like you did because if it doesn't work, my DH is not coming back. I think that worries most.
I want to rent our house and then go up there to try it out. DH is afraid to rent because of bad renters. We have to sell and the houses aren't selling for the prices we need them to be. If the house is still here, we can come back if it doesn't work out.
It can really hurt a relationship. I hope you figure out the right area for both of you.
^^ Thanks. I'm trying to find a nice, safe area where we can raise our kids. I thought I found a good neighborhood in the next county over (drove around yesterday), but when I looked at the HOA website, I was shocked to see all kinds of nonsense mentioned! Recent events include several cars being "jacked up" and having the wheels and transmission stolen (the car is left in your driveway on blocks); then a kid was beaten in the local park and went to the hospital; then teens were arrested smoking pot in the community park.
Honestly, teens are doing drugs all over the country now. But cars being jacked up in your driveway overnight?
In the area where we used to live in GA, there was a $1 million meth bust in a "nice" area. And of course, a child sex offender ended up buying the foreclosure in our old neighborhood (2 homes down)
New Hampshire might be light years better than the South these days.
In any case, we are taking it day by day and just trying to keep the bills paid. We will take a trip to investigate any potential move.
^^ Thanks. I'm trying to find a nice, safe area where we can raise our kids. I thought I found a good neighborhood in the next county over (drove around yesterday), but when I looked at the HOA website, I was shocked to see all kinds of nonsense mentioned! Recent events include several cars being "jacked up" and having the wheels and transmission stolen (the car is left in your driveway on blocks); then a kid was beaten in the local park and went to the hospital; then teens were arrested smoking pot in the community park.
Honestly, teens are doing drugs all over the country now. But cars being jacked up in your driveway overnight?
In the area where we used to live in GA, there was a $1 million meth bust in a "nice" area. And of course, a child sex offender ended up buying the foreclosure in our old neighborhood (2 homes down)
New Hampshire might be light years better than the South these days.
In any case, we are taking it day by day and just trying to keep the bills paid. We will take a trip to investigate any potential move.
You hit the nail on the head there. We moved back to N.H. after ten years in Florida. Theres no comparison. It's a beautiful thing to be headed in a forward direction. I count my blessings every day.
The "cars being jacked up" was in just about the safest LOOKING place we've seen yet. Who would even think about that? It seemed very nice there, with families at the parks. Things are so crazy around here!
At our old neighborhood, we had 2 home invasions (a few homes down and that would have been me sitting there with our kids at 1PM when an Orlando gang member kicked in the front door).
You get desensitized to this stuff... oh and we had 45 new students enroll at the local high school in January. HALF of them are "homeless". We have 2,400 homeless students in our district total, and almost 60% of students are on free/reduced lunch.
Did I mention the boy who sprayed lighter fluid on his girlfriend, then set her on fire? Middle schoolers these days...
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I think that worries most.
