Reluctant spouse doesn't want to move (Christian, cheated, American, couples)
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It really brings you back to earth when you find out that the dreams that you and your spouse have discussed for ages, may have been your dreams alone. I grew up in the suburbs but our family made frequent visits to my grandparents farm and from a young age, I have always planned to eventually move to a similiar location. My wife also grew up in the burbs but like me, her family was from the country. We've talked for years about how we can hardly wait to leave the city and experience peace and quiet and a slower lifestyle together, just the two of us. We have always gone on weekly drives in the country where we point out various places that we would like to have. We wanted some acreage somewhere within 3-4 hours away and enjoy life. Well, in the 35 years that we have been talking about our dream, land prices in our home state have risen so sharply that the nicer places are now out of our price range. The kind of places we had always talked about are still affordable if we are willing to relocate 6-7 hours away. We have vacationed in that general area for several years now and last year while on vacation we took real estate printouts with us and drove past places that we have found on the Internet...so all along I thought we were still on the same page. I can stop working at the end of the year and if we bought something, could spend my time visiting it and fixing it up until my wife retires in 4 years. I just learned that my wife is now reluctant to move too far away from our home area, which comes as a stunner because she has never let on about this and has always been someone willing to take a chance on change. We both have elderly mothers still alive but other than that, no family that we are particularly close to, although she interacts with cousins and friends more than I do. Our permanent move wouldn't take place for another 4-5 years and I am willing to take one or both of our mom's with us if we are lucky enough to still have them at that time. Anyway, right now I'm trying to recover from the news and hopefully come up with some type of compromise plan that will work for both of us. Logically I can understand where my wife is coming from but it's easy to fall into the mindset that I've been led along the old primrose path and now that it's time to follow through, she finally speaks up and changes our plans. Anyway, I'm trying hard not to fall into the old resentment trap right now as my wife's happiness and desires are just as important as mine. But, after discussing this countless times over the years, I've been looking forward to this my entire life and it would be a major disappointment to settle for something far less than what I have been expecting my final years to be. Please overlook the long posting as I'm just venting while trying to come up with a solution.
Wow! I just found this thread searching to find other people who might have possibly felt like I do now. Jadis27---I am feeling exactly like you are. (even though this is now 2013 and your post was quite awhile ago). I had to move from Phoenix, Az. (my home) to Pueblo, CO. (I HATE IT HERE). My husband and I have been married for almost 28 years and this is the first time that we are having REAL problems because I am so very miserable. I told him---3 years tops then I'm going home. My heart is also sick thinking about staying here one day more! I hate cold weather and it's so depressing here. No family, no friends, just awful. I hope I can do it. I have been here one year and the thought of 2 more (arrrgh). If you still look at this thread---I wonder how you are doing now?
These stories are very sad. If I can give any younger couples a suggestion, this is it.
If one of you is happy where you are (or moving to), and the other one isn't, decide TOGETHER how many years/months you plan on being there, where your ideal place would be for you to live when the time comes, and then shake on it. Make a promise that you won't/can't break and stick to it .
I lost our first argument when we were on our honeymoon. Hubby was raised out in the country, I was raised in a smaller city. We were given a piece of land to build on, right next door to his parents and that was his big argument. I gave in and we built out here in the country in 1980. He had promised me that we would move to town before we were both too old to move (50-55 ish in age). Well, we are going away on a trip to the sunny south soon and then will be carrying all our moving boxes out of the house when we get back. We're moving to TOWN, yea! finally.
I must say that I wasn't happy through our long cold dark winters in the country, and many times I was very lonely, but I didn't whine and made the best of it living out here. The years went by, but I always knew that we'd be moving to town some day, so here I am, ready to finally go where I want to go. 5 minutes from a grocery store will be totally awesome!
If he doesn't like it, nothing is holding him back from coming out this way into the country for a visit. (his father still lives here, and our sons live out here now)
Yikes! So glad I'm single finally! Even on Valentine's Day!!! All I can say is life is too short not to follow your dreams and if they aren't someone else's dreams too then they should either support yours, or make a compromise. I haven't read through this whole thread but wanted to put my $.02 in. Of the few threads I read, I saw a lot of non-compromising spouses. I don't think there's anything wrong with choosing your dream over your spouse if they won't budge...they're just being selfish. Although I enjoyed being married for a short while, I now realize my life is mine and I can do whatever I choose, without worrying about anyone else and that is priceless.
Living in Birmingham, AL for 4 years now. Neither of us are from here. This year my husband and my little boy and I almost were killed when a freak winter tornado tore through our house at 4 am. We don't really have any friends here.
I'm the bread winner, I keep getting downsized here and I've lost three jobs this summer.
So I contacted 2 employers in New Orleans and got two great job offers that day.
My husband was all, "yes, move me out of here!"
So I accepted the job, and went to NOLA in advance....one week later the stupid hurricane Isaac hit.
Now my husband doesn't want to move.
I came home to AL for two weeks following the hurricane and networked and interviewed like mad. Nothing.
I still have the job in NOLA if I want it. I'm bleeding money. I have to take it but I don't want to make my miserable SOB husband even more miserable. Plus, I agree with him, New Orleans is a dump.
So is Birmingham.
I want nothing more than to move home to California, but life is difficult there and he doesn't want to live there either.
I hate him so much sometimes.
But I'm physically ill with the thought of moving to NOLA and having my husband be miserable and my son be miserable. New Orleans really is a polluted wasteland. Can't drink the water...etc.
The thought of another tornado strikes fear into my heart. Plus, ya know, living under a bridge in Birmingham isn't all that appealing.
SIGH, I have to leave for NOLA this Sunday. Or not. I don't know what to do!!!!!!!
What a baby your husband is! I do not believe his will not move because of the hurricane. My husband
rode out a CAT5 in a boat.
New Orleans is great - look over at English Turn. The food is amazing and you have a job!
Throw yourself into your new job and if he loves you, he will come after you.
I'm curious if others have experienced the reluctant spouse?
Job and money-wise, it makes the most sense to move now, but my wife hates the idea. Part of it is her reluctance to change in general...but, I know she'll adapt well. And probably love it.
Yep got one here too. Moved here for her going on 10 years now,thinking we'd be out within a couple years...since then have heard every excuse in the book
Wow! I just found this thread searching to find other people who might have possibly felt like I do now. Jadis27---I am feeling exactly like you are. (even though this is now 2013 and your post was quite awhile ago). I had to move from Phoenix, Az. (my home) to Pueblo, CO. (I HATE IT HERE). My husband and I have been married for almost 28 years and this is the first time that we are having REAL problems because I am so very miserable. I told him---3 years tops then I'm going home. My heart is also sick thinking about staying here one day more! I hate cold weather and it's so depressing here. No family, no friends, just awful. I hope I can do it. I have been here one year and the thought of 2 more (arrrgh). If you still look at this thread---I wonder how you are doing now?
We are still in TX, and I still hate it, but it's manageable now. I'm definitely not as miserable as I was; it's now just more of a resigned "F this place" sort of mentality.
We've been here about 23 months, I guess? I first wrote that post maybe two weeks after our move. We had decided before moving that I was going to take the time to go back to school rather than get another retail job down here, and once classes started that August, that did help a little, just because I'm so busy. I will be done next August (2014) and my husband will have been in his position for three years, so we will be trying to move then...ideally to the other main location for his company, but leaving them altogether if that's what it comes to.
It also helps that he came to hate it about a month or so after I did. I feel bad on the one hand, because now we are both unhappy living where we do, but at the same time, we can commiserate and I don't feel like I'm bringing him down. This is just so not the place for either of us, culturally, weather-wise, values-wise.
Tell her it's rare and lucky that it would be better for you to move on both the fiduciary AND social front.
And I'm surprised no one seems to care that the way things are going, in 40 years Texas will be the only place left that isn't in shambles (balanced state budget - and the FedGov is going to go bakrupt eventually).
I grew up with that expression, but it wasn't in SC, but New England. Hampton River clams!
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