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In terms of you working all the time, and her going to school and going out bc she has the free time, I think you should address that. It's very unfair to you, especially if the financial load is all on your shoulders.
But in terms of your individual lives, I think you need to be more open. Make the most of your time when you're apart from her. Don't be afraid to try new hobbies and meet new people, for fear of hurting or leaving her out - she will find you more interesting and attractive, and as a result you both will cherish your time together even more.
I don't believe in the separate lives part. I'm doing all I can, I just feel it's like a slap in the face to be haning out while I'm working and while she should be looking for a job.
This has nothing to do with "separate lives" and you're making it sound more complicated that it seems to be from your original post. You said she now HAS a job. It may not be what she eventually wants to do but at least she did get something. If she's "hanging out" all the time while you're working then that would be an issue but if she's still going to school AND has a job then it hardly seems she'd have much time for going anywhere much. As I mentioned before, going solo to the movies or the beach or even to a bar once in a while isn't cause for angst. It seems to be your premise that when she's not working or going to school and you're not around she has to either stay home or look for another job or a combination of both. That's very stifling, or at least would be for most people. I still feel you're being very unreasonable and need to lighten up as, even though she's "compromised", it seems that's not enough for you.
She's now got a job that has her working weekends and things, which I don't work. She doesn't want me going out and I'm fine with that because I know how it made me feel when she did it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by katestar
I guess I just want us to settle already and a lot of that depends on her getting a job in her field with decent pay, which is what we're striving for. I'm doing all I can, I just feel it's like a slap in the face to be haning out while I'm working and while she should be looking for a job.
Make up your mind, she either has a job or doesn't have a job.
If she has a job she has every right to go out and do things. You are being very controlling and unreasonable.
Well she's not going to school anymore, but anyways, it did occur to me yesterday during our conversation that I was being unreasonable, so that's why I posted this. I apologized to her yesterday about being unreasonable. She told me she understood how I felt, but then went on to say that eventually we'll get bored spending so much time together and that she will never give up her friends for a relationship as she did before (in her prior relationship). And like I said, all her good friends are back in NY and I would never expect her to give them up for me.
I love speding time with her, and she says the same. Maybe we do separate things when we do get bored? I'm not bored yet....
She just got a job to pay her bills because her unemployment ran out. She of course wants to get a job in the field for what she went to school for and more than min wage.
I had this debate with my girlfriend last night and I just wanted to hear some opinions.
When my gf and I first moved in together, I was working two jobs to support us and she was going to school in the mornings. We both don't have close friends where we live and when she went out it kinda irritated me. I guess my thoughts were that I have to bust my behind with two jobs and she is haning out instead of working on her portfolio to get a job herself.
She's now got a job that has her working weekends and things, which I don't work. She doesn't want me going out and I'm fine with that because I know how it made me feel when she did it.
Unless it's a close friend, I personally don't feel comfortable going out without her and since we don't have close friends here, we've been doing everything together. In addition, if I do go out for whatever reason, I always make sure to be home right before she would get home from work. That's just how I am. I know how it sucks to have a bad day and expect to come home to your partner and they are not there.
I mean if she goes to the mall or gym with someone, I don't have issues with that, but going to the movies, beach or bar, things that we do together, I feel isn't right. Now when her best friend was here and they did that's fine, I understand, but just acquaintances, I don't know.
Do any of you feel this way?
PS: We do respect each other a lot and have come to a compromise on this issue and it has nothing to do with insecurities because I trust her completely, I just feel this way out of respect.
Your single. So is she. You can do whatever you want and so can she. When you are married you have a commitment and obligation to each other. Until such time, if any, when that happens, you have the right to do whatever you want to, and so does she.
Living together is not a commitment. You might be roommates, or shack up honeys, but you definitely NOT married No explanations (or expectations) necessary.
I can recall when my husb and I first started out, it sounded just like this...
Now, we are able to do our own things. He can go anywhere he wants while I'm at work. I can also..
I just remember feeling that same way. Like it felt it was disrespectful if he was having fun without me.. I don't know why, but I see now that it was not a realistic way of living..
I think it's just that you are in a young relationship and will sort out these things as you go along.
Part of loving someone is seeing that they get to enjoy their life, even if you have to take a back seat from time to time.
I was kinda jealous that my hubby was able to go to the bar and have some beers with the guys, then he started to play guitar with hopes of playing at the bar one night..WOW I envied that. But, I think, nah, those guys and that bar wouldn't be fun for me.
Now, if I want to go and meet my friends or whatever, I will.
I agree with you though, she does need to focus on finding a job now that she is out of school..
but some time on the beach while you are at work is fine.
My hubby is at work now, and I am going to take the motorcycle out for a LONG ride.. He would be jealous for sure!!!!
I just remember feeling that same way. Like it felt it was disrespectful if he was having fun without me.. I don't know why, but I see now that it was not a realistic way of living..
This is exactly the sense I get too. Jealousy wrapped in a controlling moral landscape.
Assuming there are no (reasonable) responsibilities that need to be looked after then doing 'your thing' is fine. A partner who genuinely loves you should be happy that their loved one is doing well and having fun.
Interesting subtle twists in this thread such as the **expectation** that partners should be home waiting for the other one to come home. This is described as respectful. It may be nice but I think it is selfish to expect another person to be home waiting.
Another person said that the OP's view is fine if that is what both persons actually want. You have to be careful here. One may agree for a while and then realize later that they feel constrained and then the other may whine, "I thought that was what we agreed to! Waaa waaa waaa"
I see it as fodder for relationship problems.
I'm a more free wheeling person. I don't like that unspoken expectation. It's too clingy for me.
I don't know, I just feel that there is something wrong with one person stuck at work and the other lounging on the beach. No body wants to be at work.
You did ask for others thoughts, right? I think it is petty to worry about your SO doing something without you being there.
Last edited by Nite Ryder; 05-17-2011 at 01:03 PM..
You did ask for others thoughts, right? I think it is petty to worry about your SO doing something without you being there. Your "No body wants to work" is a poor, immature attitude, you should be damn glad you have a job, roof over your head and food on the table.
I don't know about you my friend, but there is not enough money in the world to make me wish I was 20-something and so fragile ever again
katestar and her gf just need more time in the oven, they're only half-baked
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Need some opinions
