I'm a scumbag; would like advice from normal people (girls, therapy, cheating)
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There isn't a psych department at your school? All of those students would need volunteer hours.
Correct. Just about every educational institution offers free or low-cost counseling services and most local communities do also. There is absolutely no excuse to dismiss counseling based on cost or unavailability. Finding the counselor who "fits" sometimes takes some experience with more than a couple (and I'm speaking from first hand experience) but when the right "fit" is found it can make a huge difference in one's outlook and thus enable one to get on a healthier path. But counseling only works if the patient is open to change and sometimes people have to hit rock bottom before they seek help (as, it seems, the OP has experience of where his previous addictions were concerned).
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Originally Posted by barclay09
If I were to break up with her, is there some moral obligation to tell her about the thing? Does it matter either way? If it matters, why?
I've never broken up with any of my previous girlfriends.
Why on earth would you burden her with such an admission. That's just a transference of guilt which makes the other person feel like a complete fool. Try being a gentleman and stop thinking so darned selfishly. Maybe you've never broken up with a girlfriend because they broke it off with you although, at your tender age and given the current dilemma you're faced with, I doubt you've had much real experience where relationships are concerned. I believe that in all medical studies the curriculum also includes standard psychology training and you'll no doubt learn a lot from that. But that's in the future and, in the meantime, relieve the unsuspecting girlfriend of the burden she doesn't even know she's saddled with and get some help for yourself.
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Originally Posted by barclay09
And I am 100% getting played by that other girl, right? That's what my friends said, I found it hard to believe. She has a boyfriend, too, though. Hurts my ego, that's for sure, but I guess I can accept it and it'll make ending things with her easier.
Yes, you are being played of course. Can you really be so unaware that you don't see woods for trees. She has a boyfriend as you have a girlfriend but sends you titillating pictures of herself. Hurts your ego that she has a boyfriend? Oh, please! Your selfishness seems to know no bounds.
Good luck and I hope you can get this sorted out before everything comes back around and dumps you on your posterior.
I appreciate the honest comments. It gives me perspective hearing it from more people.
Re: the girlfriend situation, I know it seems like I would be doing her a huge favor by breaking up with her and letting her find someone better, but in the first four years of our relationship, I was a beyond good boyfriend. In a way, also, I feel like I owe her a ring and the financial fruits of my labor for the next 6-7 years. I was using crystal meth between high school and college and she is 75% responsible for where I am today.
I just think if I can get over this hump - because this girl is a huge outlier - I'll be fine. I already mentioned that I can control somethings, like the environment I'm in and refusing to go places where I might meet people. I'm also pretty average myself, so it isn't normal that attractive females actually seek me out and aggressively pursue me.
Another factor is that, as you can tell, I'm pretty emotionally fragile and a bit of a ***** so there is no way I can just power through school in the state I am now. If we were to break up, it'd be a lot worse.
But onto more immediate matters: why do I feel jealous about the other girl and how can I squash it?
So, I think you recognize that you have problems. And you know what? That's okay. A lot of people have things they need to work through. I'm not sure if you're aware (you mentioned money was an issue for counseling in another reply), but many counselors operate on a sliding scale, and if you're in school, your health center may give you a certain number of visits (usually 10) for free at their counseling center. It might be worth looking into. At the least, maybe they could recommend some books to read for self-help.
If you have a GF and she's a good woman and she loves you and has stuck with you despite your past problems, I think you'd be a fool to endanger that. It's your choice, of course, but realize that if she finds out about this chick on the side, she may dump you on your butt. You may not have a choice. How about doing the smart thing and ending it with the chick now? Focus on getting your life back on track and rededicate yourself to being a good partner. If you know parties are a problem, then don't go to parties. If you know meeting chicks on Facebook is a problem (because those online attractions can be addictive for some people), then *and I know this is revolutionary* get rid of your Facebook. Give up the account. Get offline. Focus on your GF and your studies.
For your last question about the jealousy, here's how the cycle will work: as soon as you break it off (permanently), it's going to hurt. It's going to hurt badly for a day or two, you'll feel a little off-balance for about a week, then you'll slowly start to pick yourself up. The more you get used to not seeing her (don't go back to Facebook or wherever you used to chat with her), the more your life will start to seem normal without her. Eventually, the feelings will fade, and with them, the jealousy.
I would do this sooner than later. The longer you drag this out, the more attached and possessive she may get of you. If you're a 3 year investment to her, she may get very angry and tell your GF just to spite you. The longer you see her on the side, the greater the chances of this happening. I would end it now and do your best to get your life back on track.
So how can I work on not treating them like objects? It isn't like I want to treat them like objects.
Re: the other girl, yeah you might be right, but it is somewhat prudish to have gone through college without having sex, right? I felt like our connection was unique (not in a good way, only by definition) because we had that history in high school where she was really attracted to me.
I think I come off as thinking I'm God's gift to women, but in reality, A.) I just don't want to hurt my current girlfriend; B.) I'm not going to risk my emotional stability as I begin school; C.) I don't know how to handle the situation or my emotions for this other girl.
There is nothing prudish about having a steady boyfriend and seeking out another man to have an affair with. There is nothing prudish about sending naked pics and doing "everything but" with a guy who isn't even your BF. She may be prudish compared to the wildest stripper in town, but she's not "prudish" by any other standard, sorry.
I think you're fooling yourself if you think your connection is special. I think you're lying to yourself if you think she wouldn't cheat on you just as fast as she cheated on him.
You should do some self-reflection and if you see that you're using sex and the thrill of "will we get caught" to distract from other emotional problems (you sound like a very anxious person in general), then that needs addressed. Until you address the issue at its core, it will continue to pop up in different mediums.
You also need to face the reality that you are playing with fire. You claim you are so scared to lose your emotional stability by dumping your current GF. You realize that the affair-girl could decide she wants more, tell your GF and get you dumped, right? You realize that she has you by the nuts?
I think it's normal for a guy to feel torn in these situations. One side of you has a great girlfriend who is long-term material and has been with you through a lot. On the other hand you have an attractive girl that you pretty much lust for. She's the forbidden fruit, the one you want to "conquer" so to speak, and as a guy these are normal impulses.
I've been in situations EXACTLY like this. Dude, in every situation I completely deleted the other girl from my life, including phone numbers, emails, stopped attending a class...
If you do not remove this temptation from your life, you WILL act on it. I'm a strong willed guy and I can guarantee that I would not have had the willpower to resist taking it to another level with these attractive women - and you have a much worse history of cheating than I do.
If you care about your GF then do not tempt yourself with this other girl.
And I am 100% getting played by that other girl, right? That's what my friends said, I found it hard to believe. She has a boyfriend, too, though. Hurts my ego, that's for sure, but I guess I can accept it and it'll make ending things with her easier.
Dude you are sooo getting played it's not even funny. Wait, yeah it is! lol.
If you were fine with your "other woman" having a boyfriend, why not tell her she can have one replacement boyfriend for the months her boyfriend is away, but not more than one. If she doesn't agree then go cold turkey (can't remember which option that was). It's not fair for you to be involved with two people but expect her only to be involved with you.
The honorable thing to do would be to end things with your primary girlfriend and then just have a few friends with benefits since you are not capable of being faithful.
Med school is going to consume more and more of your time. If you intend to get through it and be in a position to be matched with a decent residency, you are going to have to cease and desist with the turpitude. Not only will you not have the hours in a day to devote physically and emotionally to such drama and tripe, cluttering your mind up with it is going to wreck your studies.
Furthermore, if that other woman has been recording your webcam exchanges and saving your emails, heaven knows where they will end up. First, if she knows you have a girlfriend, what is to stop her from sending her copies of your correspondence?
Second, if you are doing anything foolish like sending racy photos of yourself back to this other person, stop at once. Things like that, along with inappropriate blogs and pictures of people drinking at keggers and otherwise behaving irresponsibly, can and has affected chances for residency. Don't mess up your chances for a good match by bombing your studies and making it easy for boards to reject you because of your behavior. From the time you enter medical school to the time you retire, your actions speak for your profession.
But all of this is secondary to greater challenges I see headed your way. While it is good that you have cleaned up your act with respect to substance abuse thus far, I think one greater concern right now is your "fragile" emotional state. How, exactly, are you going to cope with the stress of the boards and, later, rounding? And, when the time comes, will you be able to resist the temptation to use recreationally what you prescribe therapeutically?
I rarely say this on these boards, but I do think you need some counseling. You need to understand that stability does not come from someone else. You write as though you believe your girlfriend is some kind of miracle-worker who turned your life around. While she may have inspired you to be a better man, the cold hard fact is that she is human and at some point, she will make a mistake or let you down in some way. Then what?
To be a successful physician, you must be able to think clearly, quickly, and rely on your own judgment. If you cannot do that, you run a very real risk of harming or even killing your patients.
That, Barclay, is not something to jerk around with.
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