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But when you tell women that today you get accused of "victim blaming." They think they are invincible.
We would like very much to expect better from men. Especially men we know. Guys don't want to be thought of as all a pack of potential rapists, each with his own demon lurking within.
We are told (by men) that we cannot trust you.
Then we are begged (by men) to trust you.
Many of us have our trust violated in various ways.
But the key to saying something like what I said, that makes it NOT victim blaming, is this:
There is a difference, between blame, and responsibility. Taking responsible precautions for your own safety, and hell, just to make your life easier sometimes...nothing wrong with that. It's good advice. But if someone violates you, no matter how irresponsible you were being that you were in a vulnerable position, it is not your FAULT nor are you to BLAME for it. Putting the focus on responsibility without bringing fault and blame into it, is empowering. It means that if you make a mistake and suffer a negative outcome that could have been avoidable, you may learn something from it, and better protect yourself in the future. Sure, it's still possible that something bad could happen no matter how much precautionary behavior you take...but you can feel empowered by doing what you can, and taking responsibility for yourself.
But sexual assault and consent violations aren't simply things that happen, like natural consequences to poor judgment. Someone else makes the conscious choice to DO that action. And they get to own and bear their share of the responsibility, and they are at fault, and they are to blame.
The frustration that I, and many women I think, feel, is that there are men who will beg to be trusted, not to be seen as violators, like HE, that particular man, is special and we should all be able to see the halo over his head, yet in the same breath say that "men" (other men) in the abstract, are a threat we should always be guarded against. Just not him. It's almost like guys want women to be trusting and set up situations to be violated, and then for men who take advantage of them to completely get away with it, because she should not have been trusting. Oh...but trust me... It's incredibly contradictory stuff most of us grow up hearing.
I think it is wrong for someone to invite someone up to their room if they are not wanting to have sex. That is just screaming false signs. If I was invited up to a room, I'd make a move for sex 100% of the time.
But the OP is saying if someone invites themselves to YOUR apartment...if I'm understanding correctly.
I think, to me, (female) it would put me off if a guy invites himself to MY place, with the expectation of sex. If, on the other hand, I invite a man into my home after a date...well something is probably going to happen.
Nope.
I assume they are just interested in seeing how I live to get a better understanding of me for themselves.
This is assuming they have no knowledge beforehand, obviously.
If we are familiar enough with one another to already know this about ourselves, my answer would change to “probably”
I didn't want to dig too deeply into the subject of consent violation, though.
For me it's just a matter of another thing, where I hate having to reject guys. Especially guys I really like. I don't like hurting people's feelings or making them feel disappointed. I like to make people happy. So just at a core character level...it gives me a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, thinking about even being in the situation where I have to tell a friend or a date with amorous intent that it just ain't gonna happen. So if I don't want to have sex, it's far more comfortable to head that off at the pass and not invite myself to their private home or let them into mine (except for group activities with multiple people present, of course.)
And trying to actually get sex to happen with someone I do want to have sex with...yeah, part of that from where I stand is engineering a situation where we will be alone together.
Though I am thinking just now of an instance where I actually felt a bit "friend zoned." I went on a dinner date with a guy, and he invited me up to his place. I thought we might get frisky, I was definitely very into him and very willing. But instead he wanted to go sit on his balcony and talk. So we did. For like...2 or 3 hours or something. During which time I tried to be very frank with him about my interest. Which in his case, I guess, was a mistake, because maybe that or perhaps something else I said, put him off. I felt like I definitely made myself available and I was willing, but he showed me the door after our long conversation without any attempt to make physical contact with me. Later, the woman he ended up with had more of a shy/coy sort of way about her. I assumed that my straightforward talk spooked him.
He threw the "I think we should just be friends" card...but we did not end up being friends. It was code for "no thanks."
Me personally, I don't operate based upon assumptions, ever. If the woman hasn't clearly indicated that she wants sex, I won't pursue it, regardless of whether or not she's invited me to her place.
if a date asks to visit your apartment do you assume that he/she wants ot have sex?
It all depends in what manner a date asks to come visit my home and what stage in the dating process we are in. e.g. "Hey big boy, when do I get to see your place? I hear your bedroom is where all the magic happens". < good possibility we're getting naked.
A date might just want to know for sure you're not living a double life with a spouse and kids, a gf/bf, etc. I dont assume anything.
Now, if I was invited into a woman's home for a lovely meal and a Netflix original series/movie, sex would definitely cross my mind - I'm sure it would cross her's, too. There's a high probability bodies start slapp'n.
When me and my girlfriend first started dating she asked to come over my apartment. Me thinking nothing of it I said yeah sure.
She comes over and we play video games for awhile and watch the sunset, out of the blue she straight up asks me, "do you want to have sex? I didn't ask to come over and expect not to get laid" I was shocked but didn't say no
The ironic part of this is that I didn't expect sex, she did. She is straight forward, honest, and aggressive. I like that about her.
The difference was our relationship was already established and trust was developed.
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if a date asks to visit your apartment do you assume that he/she wants ot have sex?
