Restraining Orders. Red flag? (dates, girl, attractive, friends)
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Not necessarily. It i not difficult to file an order. I would take a look at the order and see if it has merit, ask him the story and for him to show it to you
Obviously the judge decided it had merit.......and actually reinstated it. Merit in the eyes of the authorities. OP you got your answer. Run!
Having now re-read the OP's posts on this thread and the other, I think there are definitely some issues here.
Not all of them with the OP's partner !
Although if the OP is genuine, reading more posts now it sounds like he's still just a little obsessed with his ex.
That would raise more red flags than a restraining order.
please read it well. he got a restaining order after the ex filed for divorced. the first restraining order was for 3 years. and then after 3 years, when the first one was due, that's when they've divorced for 3 years, she renewed the oder again. so totally it's 6 years of restaining orders.
Originally Posted by ppsyout "I've been with my bf for almost 2 years. He's a divorced man with a 7 year old daughter.He divorced for 5 years already when I met him."
Hmmm.... Heres one discrepancy from the other thread.
You posted you've been with him for 2yrs and hes been divorced for 3.
Lets do the math, that means he was divorced for 1 yr upon meeting him.
I won't waste my time posting further, apparently honesty isn't something you do well.
please read it well. he got a restaining order after the ex filed for divorced. the first restraining order was for 3 years. and then after 3 years, when the first one was due, that's when they've divorced for 3 years, she renewed the oder again. so totally it's 6 years of restaining orders.
when we started dating, he divorced for 5 years already, now we've been together 2 years. which means till now he's divorced for 7 years already.
please read it well. he got a restaining order after the ex filed for divorced. the first restraining order was for 3 years. and then after 3 years, when the first one was due, that's when they've divorced for 3 years, she renewed the oder again. so totally it's 6 years of restaining orders.
when we started dating, he divorced for 5 years already, now we've been together 2 years. which means till now he's divorced for 7 years already.
his restraning orders was due last year.
so thats simple math
So, they've been divorced for 7 yrs and hes in counseling with this women.
Just found out bf's ex wife had put restraining order against him after divorce for 3 years, and renewed that order after 3 years. I asked him why did she do that he said after she filed for divorce and moved out of the house, he missed her and the kid so bad that he showed up to her house unannounced that's how he got it. As for why did she renew the order he said he doesn't know, she just did. Then added because they fight on court for child custody.
Is it a red flag that someone had restraining orders?
Some facts: bf never bad mouthed the ex. Talks about her like she's perfect. Eager to have a good relationship with her" for the daughter" , even want me to like the ex and keep a good relationship with her.
Isn't this odd?
When something like this comes to light, there's almost always a large divide between what he says happened and what actually happened. Avoid.
Y'all are being extremely naiive about the divorce process in certain situations. This post nails ONE of the tracks an UGLY divorce is likely to take.
My ex was also abusive....and went WILD during the divorce. Filing a restraining order is standard procedure for a spouse looking to get the upper hand and 'win' in a nasty divorce proceedinig. Judges will hear that the spouse is 'scared' (no definition of what that means) and will immediately slap a restrasining order in place. The spouse will also say he 'abused me' (once again, no definition of what that means) and judges will react even more quickly 'just in case.'
The scheming spouse will then use these 'orders' in EVERY argument..."well, you know your honor, i HAD to get a restraining order. Well, your honor, you know he has been charged with abuse." It is a very neat, and expensive, practice used by skeevy lawyers and angry spouses to inflict the maximum amount of pain...and lawyers love it because it increases the fees dramtically. In NJ it is SOP in any contested divorce.
In my case, she even included the family Dog! Just to make me look really bad.
Yes, there can be, and are, situations where there is real abuse, and real fear. IMO, after two years, you would know if you are living with a psychopath. Given that the former spouse renewed the order and he wants you to get to know her, i would be a little bit leary. But as one wise old lawyer told me when i was trying to sort things out, "she is angry beyond any imaginable measure; stop trying to think you can be reasonable with her." You will NEVER be able to figure her out....stop trying!
Quote:
Originally Posted by bobman
Thing is, my crazy ex took out the needless restraining order, I can't remember what it said now, it was 10 years ago, IIRC it was 200m I had to stay away, but she'd always seem to find ways to put herself within 200m of me !!
After we split we lived 10 miles apart, but she would still come back to my local shop. She'd always turn up at my favourite bar, which, of course meant I had to leave.
I wholeheartedly agree with what you're saying, a restraining order is a badge of honour for a crazy ex. It's a must have fashion acessory.
On it's own, not a red flag.
Abusers go nuts at the thought of losing their power and control. So, they find clever alternatives to meet that need. I went thru the same, but it wasn't a restraining orders.
Its a red flag you have a crazy vendicitive ex who potentially could unleash on someone involved with the object of their obsession. Not everyone wants to deal with such situations.
Imagine if you had taken a date or female friend to the pub you frequented. I wouldn't want to be that date.
You'd better run! No one can get a restraining order without some real evidence. You have to go before the judge and present this information. You especially can't get a 3 year restraining order..much less a renewal. I'd be checking the criminal background of this guy. This is a major red flag.
Three years 'sounds' a little over the top, but getting a restraining order is VERY SIMPLE.
You go in front of a judge with the motion. "I am scared and i want the following: (insert terms of restraint).
The defendant does not participate. They are not present. It is the word of one individual with a 'woe is me story.' "He/She scares me". Done deal. Order is signed and police deliver it to the defendant.
That's it. Very Simple. And once it is in place it is like a noose around the defendants neck. Every subsequent event requires special treatment: getting your stuff, seeing your children, settling the divorce through mediation, because how can you mediate when you can't meet?
Sad thing is two-fold: 1) Angry spouses uses it as leverage in the divorce. 2) And, people who really are dangerous and need to be restrianed just ignore it. They go ahead and kill the spouse anyhow. How many times have you heard it on the news? The defendant killed the spouse or the couples children. A restraining order preventing him/her to have any contact was in place.
It's an almost universal truth that people only tell their own side of the story and, not surprisingly, your boyfriend told you a version that made him not look so bad.
Not always true. Most cases yes, but not always. See below.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bobman
She'd always turn up at my favourite bar, which, of course meant I had to leave.
Yup! For someone that is so scared, they always seem to show up whereever their "abuser" is. See below.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JanND
You'd better run! No one can get a restraining order without some real evidence. You have to go before the judge and present this information. You especially can't get a 3 year restraining order..much less a renewal. I'd be checking the criminal background of this guy. This is a major red flag.
Wrong again, at least in this area, see below.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ted Bear
Three years 'sounds' a little over the top, but getting a restraining order is VERY SIMPLE.
You go in front of a judge with the motion. "I am scared and i want the following: (insert terms of restraint).
The defendant does not participate. They are not present. It is the word of one individual with a 'woe is me story.' "He/She scares me". Done deal. Order is signed and police deliver it to the defendant.
That's exactly how it happens around here.
I have had a restraining order placed on me before by hubby's ex girlfriend (he dumped her to start seeing me, well that and she was bats**t crazy).
Come to find out, she was our (group of work friends from the tat shop) waitress multiple times, and I didn't know who she was, but she knew me. She still hated the fact she got dumped for an OLDER woman.
I had said nothing more to her than my order, asked for more coffee, and asked for a check. She thought that was threatening behaviour.
All she did was go to the judge, say she was terrified of her ex's new "former Marine" wife, and he signed it in a heartbeat.
The thing is, she started coming into the tat shop almost daily (where I would have to go in the back and wait for her to leave), and she started coming to the bar I worked part time in (she had never been there before, till she found out I worked there after the order).
Flash forward to 4 weeks later when we had to see the judge for renewal. I had 17 witnesses (including both bosses from both jobs) there on my behalf, she admitted to lying to get the order, and he turned it around and instilled a restraining order against her for me!
So, it's not always a bad thing, since quite a few ex's are bitter and crazy; sometimes it is vaild, but in those cases most orders are ignored and someone usually gets hurt.
Is there reason to be concerned? Yes. But is it a red flag? I would say no.
My now ex-wife filed multiple restraining orders on me during our separation and divorce. She also called the police on me multiple times and I was arrested twice and spent time in jail. I never hit her once, and I never initiated any sort of physical contact. On both occasions that I was arrested she grabbed my shirt in anger and I pushed her away from me. She lied, I told the truth, and I was arrested. We never had any instances of violence in our marriage, and I've had none since. When my wife got the Order of Protection I appeared in court to fight it. The judge listened to both of our testimonies and looked right at my wife and said "I don't believe at all that you are afraid of this man, or need an Order of Protection. But I will err on the side of caution and allow it to remain". She renewed it several times, just because she hated me for asking her for a divorce, and wanted to make my life difficult. She continually violated the order by calling me and coming near me. Then when she was mad at me she would call the police and report that I had violated the order.
Now I know that many that read this may think I'm lying. That's fine, nothing I can do about that. But I firmly believe that there are many cases just like mine.
There are two things I would consider when I hear a restraining order has been filed against someone I am dating. One, he doesn't know how to take "no" for an answer or, two, he has a crazy ex and I want nothing to do with either.
If people aren't throwing the word "stalker" around like it's no big deal, they're romanticizing blatant violations of boundaries. Seems like it's no big deal to disregard a person's requests, or pleadings, to stay away. Call it love, regret, remorse, however you want to sweeten it up....it's a violation of one's right to live free of unwelcome contact or fear. If someone doesn't want you around, get lost.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ted Bear
Three years 'sounds' a little over the top, but getting a restraining order is VERY SIMPLE.
You go in front of a judge with the motion. "I am scared and i want the following: (insert terms of restraint).
The defendant does not participate. They are not present. It is the word of one individual with a 'woe is me story.' "He/She scares me". Done deal. Order is signed and police deliver it to the defendant.
Done deal? And you can back this up? This would mean anyone could go into any court and claim anything about anyone without the defendant being given the opportunity to face his/her accuser and defend him/herself. Not happening in this country.
In the state of Texas, and others that I know of, a court will issue a temporary order if what is in the application indicates an immediate threat. A hearing is set for both parties to present their cases and it is then determined whether or not to let the order stand.
Quote:
Sad thing is two-fold: 1) Angry spouses uses it as leverage in the divorce. 2) And, people who really are dangerous and need to be restrianed just ignore it. They go ahead and kill the spouse anyhow. How many times have you heard it on the news? The defendant killed the spouse or the couples children. A restraining order preventing him/her to have any contact was in place.
This is true. There are many women and men who file false reports. There are many reports that don't stick when they should. And you can't throw a piece of paper at someone to keep them from coming after you.
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