We had the perfect courtship, but the relationship is going down fast :( (dates, wife)
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Now as to you, the question is: why were you dating jerks? A jerk can't date you, and continue to date you and be a jerk toward you, without your permission. Why were you allowing that to happen? There are lots of nice guys out there. Go find 'em.
I did not know they were jerks until they casually mentioned that it should be all right for them to cheat, but that I being a girl should be faithful. That cheating is excusable for men when we're married, but not for women. Or until the talk about the ex has gone on long enough to know he's still hung up on how she cheated on him. These things happen months into the relationship, just when you thought everything has been going smoothly. And I think I don't allow it, that's why I have not been in a LTR for some time now.
I did hope to find one and I thought I did I hope I am not wrong. But if I am, yet again, I hope I would still find that nice guy for me. I really value my relationships, but I leave when I don't think I get the respect and value I want. There are many guys, but it's hard to recognize the ones who are truly nice.
This ^^^ is why I am hesitant for her to "talk to him" and lay her cards on the table. True , she has the right to ask her boyfriend a direct question. But he is a man - possibly a go getter when he wants to be. A man knows how to find his woman if he wants to , they are the ones with the testosterone! Give it to me all who disagree! I have been where she is. Op , don't count too much on your hotness as in thinking it gives you some upper hand. Once he has conquered , it does not. Maybe he likes the chase and that is why this internet girl has some of his intetest still . . .
I know we need to connect. We do things together, but he has to adjust. I am adjusting to him because I accepted him for who he is. He also knew what kind of girl I was from the first time we met and even a few weeks later.
If he is still hung up on his internet girl or is interested in someone at work, or is keeping himself social-media-clean in case he meets someone new, then I'm done.
I can't hang around while he lives another life meeting women that interest him until he replaces me. I wanted to be with him and I was going to work at it, but if he was only after the chase, then I would not want this kind of guy for a LTR.
maddog, what exactly did you do and why did it not go well? I want to save our relationship, but I am afraid that laying everything down would widen the gap between us.
I know we need to connect. We do things together, but he has to adjust. I am adjusting to him because I accepted him for who he is. He also knew what kind of girl I was from the first time we met and even a few weeks later.
If he is still hung up on his internet girl or is interested in someone at work, or is keeping himself social-media-clean in case he meets someone new, then I'm done.
I can't hang around while he lives another life meeting women that interest him until he replaces me. I wanted to be with him and I was going to work at it, but if he was only after the chase, then I would not want this kind of guy for a LTR.
maddog, what exactly did you do and why did it not go well? I want to save our relationship, but I am afraid that laying everything down would widen the gap between us.
I tried everything. You name it , I tried it. He was consistantly inconsistant no matter what I did. I was direct at first but eventually we got into the talking WAY too much stage. He always wanted to keep his options opened and rather than respect myself and leave I hung in there , trying to keep him with me. Sometimes he wanted me , sometimes he didn't. Eventually he replaced me. All I can say it's not good if you don't feel you can talk to him. Its far worse (chasing) to over talk it , though. Inconsistant people are maddening to deal with. You could give him benefit of.doubt and talk to him ONCE unless your gut is telling you not to. I was really good to him , reassured him at first as he was nerdy and insecure , and I thought I was hot. What a joke. If I could have seen that he didn't in fact , by his actions (also other women around) that he didn't think as highly of me as I thought
^^^^^^ of myself , I would have understood by reassuring , chasing(talking) and accepting bad behavior (not cheating , just too much contact with too many women , most of whom he'd already slept.with) with other women , I was diminishing my attractiveness to him , maybe it could have gone better. I am learning humilty. If a guy's not into you , and you should be able to determine that shortly , leave. Don't waste time.
I am sure to keep that in mind. For a time I also thought I could keep him since he obviously found me attractive. He also said he thought I was smart. I mean, aside from cheerleading, I was also one the smart ones in school (not geeky smart, but my teachers said I had a good head above my shoulders... not to mention pretty LOL).
He was into me. But why does he seem like he's keeping his options open now? It's true its humbling. Im seeing now that it doesn't matter how attractive you are to him at first, if he wants something else, then he would not be satisfied.
Like you, I would also try to reassure him. He told me had such a low esteem before so he didnt rly date much. I on the other hand, have probably dated too many to mention. I dont sleep with everyone though. I bail when I get turned off. But I've had a few heartbreaks. That's why I wanted to protect his ego. I always told him how much I loved his smile (he rarely smiles in pictures bec he thinks his teeth are ugly, which are actually the cute, crooked kind) and how I feel weak around him (which was true then).
He said he wanted "us" to work and would not do anything to jeopardize our relationship. I dont think he has done anything. I just feel that he is keeping his options open. I am torn between making this last and deciding that I cant go on bec he isnt completely into me. It's just been a month, so is it too soon to decide?
Ok , so you've talked to him about the relationship previouly. He said he wanted it to work. Observe if his actions back that statement. Like I first said , let him come to you next then take turns initiating. Good luck
This definitely seems to be an unsettling situation. Overall, I agree with the others who have suggested that you and your boyfriend need to have an honest discussion.
I am curious about a few things, though. In your first post, you state that you "made" him wait for three weeks before you agreed to be his girlfriend. I think this is one thing that leads people to think that you were playing games since you didn't bother to mention any reason that the time was needed. There may have been a reason, but if so it doesn't seem to be reflected in this thread.
You've also mentioned all of the things that he was sharing with you, including meeting his friends and his family, but there's no mention of you doing likewise with him. Similarly, you repeatedly indicate that you think the burden of action is entirely on him, especially given that you're saying things like, "He doesn't make as much effort" and "If he doesn't step up," at the same time you repeatedly admit you're pulling back. What exactly do you think your role in a relationship is supposed to be? It's definitely more than just showing up, for either person.
Taking that a little further, going through your posts it seems like you think you've done your part by letting him date you. You like the attention you get when you're shown off, and you think that accepting him for who he is should be your contribution. That's a good start, but it's not the whole ball of wax.
You do seem like a well-meaning person, but to put it very politely, I think you need to grow up some and expand your concept of what a good, successful relationship actually is. You did mention that you think you have matured from being totally obsessed with appearances. That's a good start, so don't stop now.
Relationships are not always about being lavished with attention and expecting that the fact that you're allowing it to happen makes it a relationship. It's not always butterflies in the stomach. It's not being taken around by your boyfriend and displayed for admiration or having your name broadcast on Facebook just so others will know you're desired. Those things are fun and exciting, but they don't last, and in the overall scheme of things, they're ultimately shallow.
If you don't want to be with someone just because you enjoy their company, because you want to share things with them, because their welfare is as important to you as your own, and because life is better for being with that one specific person, then I don't think you're together for the right reasons.
It could be that your boyfriend is dismayed that something deeper hasn't developed past an initial infatuation stage. Talk to him. Maybe you'll both discover more to each other that will provide a basis for a true relationship.
It's possible that your good looks could be working against you. I had this situation once where I was dating a man less attractive than myself and I felt that he hung onto the relationship longer than he would have otherwise just b/c it gave him a bit of an ego boost--it was that classic "he's just not that into you" thing where they're proud to show you off but then they play games. I was crazy in love too or I would have let it go sooner myself. Live and learn. I do agree with srjth though that a breakup is inevitable but you need closure so you can get on with your life.
It sounds to me like he loves to chase, but doesn't want a real relationship (at least deep-down; he may not consciously realize this).
I mean you say he was in a "relationship" for one year but you don't know if they ever even met. Maybe that's how he stayed interested: he never was actually with her and reality never set in.
I know it hurts but from what you've said, it seems like it's this guy's issue and you can't change that. The person you're falling for is the exaggerated romance/lust/excitement he portrayed when chasing you. Relationships aren't all chase. Now that the chase is gone, so is all that stuff you thought was the "real" him. It wasn't. It was just him on the prowl.
I am so very sorry. Again, I don't think this guy is a "bad guy" or anything, and he may not realize what he's doing, but from what you described (obviously I don't know either of you) it definitely sounds like a case of a person inwardly being terrified of anything real, so he keeps chasing, and when he catches, it's on to the next chase.
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I hope I am not wrong. But if I am, yet again, I hope I would still find that nice guy for me. I really value my relationships, but I leave when I don't think I get the respect and value I want. There are many guys, but it's hard to recognize the ones who are truly nice.
