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hi southerbelle. if im playing games, im certainly not aware of it. im just reacting the way im feeling. im saddened by lack of recognition in facebook, where his ex or workmates can see. and im also suspicious that there may be a not-so-good-for-us reason for it.
Stop looking for facebook validation. He probably is connected to his family members on that site, so until you two are really serious about your relationship, he probably doesn't want to deal with their questions about his current gf.
Focus on just the two of you and stop caring about what the other people in his life might be thinking of you.
I am curious about a few things, though. In your first post, you state that you "made" him wait for three weeks before you agreed to be his girlfriend.
Well, he asked me on our on our first date. I wanted it to be special, so I told him to ask me again at a later time. I wanted to be sure that he wasnt just carried away. We continued going out until that night when we made it official.
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Originally Posted by CuriousBystander
You've also mentioned all of the things that he was sharing with you, including meeting his friends and his family, but there's no mention of you doing likewise with him.
He visits me at home regularly so has met my family, and my closest friends know about him.
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Originally Posted by CuriousBystander
What exactly do you think your role in a relationship is supposed to be? It's definitely more than just showing up, for either person.
I am working on this aspect. In the last LTR I had, all I had to do was show up and be beautiful. My then-bf pampered me so much that it seems all I had to do was be sweet, faithful and understanding. I think I'm still those things and both ex and current bfs said that's what they love about me, especially my being sweet. I'm realizing now that I have to do more, that's why I'm trying to work this out.
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Originally Posted by CuriousBystander
It could be that your boyfriend is dismayed that something deeper hasn't developed past an initial infatuation stage. Talk to him. Maybe you'll both discover more to each other that will provide a basis for a true relationship.
I did talk to him last night. I made it light, but I was honest enough to tell him about how I felt. I jokingly asked him if he was still on the market on facebook thats why he doesnt seem too vocal about our relationship. Of course, he gave me assurances...
And then I asked why his posts about his ex were definitely "in love" posts, whereas those about our relationship seemed more like how he "scored" posts. I asked if he was really in love with me or just in lust... Again, he told me how in love he was with me, from the moment he first saw me. And what more could he ask for.
He thanked me for opening up these things to him, that at least he now knew. I felt better that night.
Today, he still hasn't done anything. He's posted lots of other things, but still none about "us." I'm giving it more time, but I cant deny that I'm disappointed again, especially after I've poured my heart out to him.
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Originally Posted by stepka
I felt that he hung onto the relationship longer than he would have otherwise just b/c it gave him a bit of an ego boost--it was that classic "he's just not that into you" thing where they're proud to show you off but then they play games. I was crazy in love too or I would have let it go sooner myself. Live and learn. I do agree with srjth though that a breakup is inevitable but you need closure so you can get on with your life.
I so hope this is not what's happening between us. It's making me cry right now just thinking about it :'(
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Originally Posted by JerZ
I know it hurts but from what you've said, it seems like it's this guy's issue and you can't change that.
I am so very sorry. Again, I don't think this guy is a "bad guy" or anything, and he may not realize what he's doing, but from what you described (obviously I don't know either of you) it definitely sounds like a case of a person inwardly being terrified of anything real, so he keeps chasing, and when he catches, it's on to the next chase.
We're both terrified of this commitment. Both of us have been burned bad before and we're scared that it's going to happen again. I understand his fear, but if he's only interested in "chasing," then thats not going to help us.
Im not afraid of being alone and not having anyone if we break up. There are many out there, I know; he is usually worried about the guys that keep calling and texting me. For me, he has nothing to be worried abt. I just want to know if I should be worried abt him.
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Originally Posted by miu
Stop looking for facebook validation. He probably is connected to his family members on that site, so until you two are really serious about your relationship, he probably doesn't want to deal with their questions about his current gf.
Focus on just the two of you and stop caring about what the other people in his life might be thinking of you.
I dont have a problem about his family not knowing abt us. He invited me his mom's birthday dinner last night and even introduced me as his "wife" to his uncles, aunts, and cousins that I was the one who was embarrassed.
I just want to know that he is not looking or flirting with anyone else, that's why I'm looking for facebook validation. Besides, I think we decided and talked about being serious in this relationship.
And then I asked why his posts about his ex were definitely "in love" posts, whereas those about our relationship seemed more like how he "scored" posts. I asked if he was really in love with me or just in lust... Again, he told me how in love he was with me, from the moment he first saw me. And what more could he ask for.
Today, he still hasn't done anything. He's posted lots of other things, but still none about "us." I'm giving it more time, but I cant deny that I'm disappointed again, especially after I've poured my heart out to him.
He has no relationship status. Neither do I. He did ask me if I wanted us to have an "In a relationship with..." status, but I don't want that. But I did post my "first met" and "in a relationship with..." on my timeline. So that proves I'm more vocal about our relationship than he is.
He has no relationship status. Neither do I. He did ask me if I wanted us to have an "In a relationship with..." status, but I don't want that. But I did post my "first met" and "in a relationship with..." on my timeline. So that proves I'm more vocal about our relationship than he is.
I think sometimes it can be a mistake rushing into things so fast. When the relationship starts out at a high level of intensity right off the bat it can be hard to maintain. When you settle into the day to day routine of being together it can seem boring or like things are fading out.
I wouldn't place any stock into what he writes about you on FB. Couples with good relationships don't need to validate their relationship to 250 FB friends by gushing about their love everyday. It's immature and it's annoying to everyone who has to read it.
I'd back off for a few days. See what happens. Maybe he's feeling smothered. If you still feel like he's distant, then the only thing to do is ask him. If he isn't into the relationship anymore it's better to know so you can move on.
The problem is hes not good enough for you and knows it. Hes not man enough to come out and say it and end the relationship and let you move on and find someone good enough for you. So he does this weak passive aggressive work behavior and tries to make it you the one who ends it. I"m an alpha male but know the behavior of the beta male.
Get out and find someone strong enough and good enough for you.
I'd back off for a few days. See what happens. Maybe he's feeling smothered. If you still feel like he's distant, then the only thing to do is ask him. If he isn't into the relationship anymore it's better to know so you can move on.
That's what I did. He does keep coming back, but maybe not as forcefully as I was hoping he would.
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Originally Posted by Xenith
The problem is hes not good enough for you and knows it. Hes not man enough to come out and say it and end the relationship and let you move on and find someone good enough for you. So he does this weak passive aggressive work behavior and tries to make it you the one who ends it. I"m an alpha male but know the behavior of the beta male.
Get out and find someone strong enough and good enough for you.
Thanks Xenith. I think I will give him more time. There is improvement, see.
I dated the ultimate alpha male. It's true, you get swept off your feet and feel like a goddess, but it was like dating the mafia. It didn't matter if it was someone he just met or a close friend of his, anyone who looked at me too long than he wanted would "get it." I was his property. He would grab my phone before me when I get a text. He'd be talking cheerfully with someone one minute and getting ready to beat him up the next if the guy so much as touched me in a friendly way--even if the guy was a friend of mine! Sometimes, guys ask you out even if they know you have a bf. I was so scared of taking a shower while he's waiting for me--in case a guy just happened to text if I wanted to see a movie or ask if I've had lunch/dinner. It happens and my heart stops just seeing the look on his face when I come out of the bathroom. He eventually accused me of stuff I never even thought I could do.
Yeah, I think I'll give my beta male another chance =) But I won't stand it if I prove he is not content to be with me and me alone!
When I went out of town, he had dinner with some workmates, a guy and a girl.
The girl from his office is nowhere near hot, but she's smart.
He was showing me pictures on his phone when he clicked on a group pic. He clicked it back. I asked to see what it was and he said it was just a group pic from the office. Lo and behold, the same girl who was an issue 2x already (second time was about some fb comments that I misunderstood; he explained it to me, but yes there she was) was next to him, her head resting on his shoulder. I asked and he confirmed who the girl was. I asked why her head was on his shoulder. He said it was not, her face was just posed toward his direction. I said it looks like her head is resting on your shoulder. Again, he denied it. He told me there's nothing for me to worry about, that he would not do anything to ruin what we have.
I let it go. But in my experience and that of other people's, someone who regularly comes up in an argument is a third party revealing its ugly head in the early days of a relationship's demise.
Ok, fine. I did not let it go that easy. I brought it up again when we were home. I asked him why of all people, she would be the one standing next to you in a group picture? Why is it that she seems to become an issue, and just her?
I mean, I wouldn't have doubts if the three incidents that didn't settle well with me just happened to be a different girl each time. And why am I making a fuss about this one girl? I know it's women's intuition. One day, we are going to end and this girl would be (or part of) the reason.
I waited almost 3 months for this guy to ask me out. When he finally did, I dropped everything to go out with him. The first date went so well, and he asked me to be his gf that night. He wooed me and all, always had time to be with me. I made him wait three weeks before I agreed to be his gf and everything was perfect. A couple of days later, he me brought to his house. The day after, we had dinner with his family, who were all so warm. The week after, I met his closest friends.
Weeks later, when their company outing came, he did not bring me even if he originally said he was going to. When I went out of town, he had had dinner with some workmates, a guy and a girl. Since then, I feel that he's not being responsive to my facebook comments anymore. It's like he no longer wants people to know he has a gf. I feel so sad. Because of this, I'm avoiding him too.
He doesn't make as much effort as before. I feel like I'm pulling away and he's just letting me. It makes me cry. Some say he's lucky to have a hot gf like me and that we're proof that opposites attract. It's not that he's ugly, but i guess it's like the nerd dates the cheerleader captain (which I was). He told me that he likes hot chicks, that's why he was so attracted to me. But I know that he falls for smart women. The girl from his office is nowhere near hot, but she's smart. I feel so low. I'm not an airhead, I'm a writer so I know I have brains, but I'm just not the geeky type he falls for :'(
I didn't want to lose him because he was so nice to me, so much better than the jerks I dated. But this insecurity is making me give him up... What can I do?
In any relationship you need to continually reevaluate it on a weekly basis to see if things are going well or not. Not all relationships have good communication, which is key. In the event your relationship does not have good communication, then you need to be able to pick up the signs and signals that something is not 'right', but just don't be psycho when it comes to looking for the the signals....b/c partners typically don't like the psycho stuff. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you need to look out for 'wedges' forming in your relationship and if the relationship is important to you than find out how to close the wedge.
as an aside, if you were 'hot' and of average intelligence and the guy is gifted, this could be a problem with time, b/c you guys will be operating on different levels....but it could still work out...depends how you guys manage the relationship
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