We had the perfect courtship, but the relationship is going down fast :( (girls, hubby)

[D217]

Originally Posted by stargazermunsta

I guess I just want him to initiate it.

But, he did. He asked if you wanted to put "in a relationship w/..." on your fb, and you said No.




For what it's worth-- everyone has 'the perfect courtship'. Everything always seems perfect at first. But it sounds like there are these issues slowly creeping into your relationship that are bothering you. If you're not happy about something, and talking with him doesn't resolve it, then don't be afraid to end the relationship. You don't have to wait until it all blows up into one big final scene.

If a girl from his office is that much of a threat to your relationship- think about what kind of relationship is this?

[rego00123]

let me tell you a little secret. EVERY courtship is great. its what comes after that is the true test of whether someone will be the right one for you.

sounds like you too need to openly talk about things and decide if you are really ready for a serious relationship.

[hatgirl007]

First and foremost, stop allowing someone to control your life by making you their puppet. Are you happy with this interaction? Do you want to continue in a relationship like this? Do you feel as if he cares for you by his actions? The answer to all these questions ....NO.
1st of all you should not given him the time of day when he didn't get in touch with you for 3 months because that meant he was involved, not interested, and you were at the bottom of his priorities. He gave you a title for the purpose of getting you to go all in when it came to this relationship. To not know you and suggest being girlfriend and boyfriend when you don't even know each others true personality, habits, morals, values, interests, and compatibility shows how easy it is for him to jump in and our of relationships. 3rd - stop talking about yourself as if you aren't good enough for him. Sounds like he successfully running a mind game on you making you chase after him (ugly duckling) to level his insecurity issues.
Dump him, trust me, you aren't loosing anything.

[maddog1]

Go with your gut. Im thinking your gut is making you focus on this woman , as though your intuition is telling you he wants her. A little too friendly in that picture for my taste. why did he not want you to see the pic? Guilty conscience? Your gut is telling you something , red flag. Oh and don't.bring her up anymore. Just watch silently.
but why when he asked to be "in relationship with" status on fb , why did you say no? to me this is confusing. He may find it confusing , too.

Originally Posted by stargazermunsta

UPDATE:

The girl from the office pops up again today.



He was showing me pictures on his phone when he clicked on a group pic. He clicked it back. I asked to see what it was and he said it was just a group pic from the office. Lo and behold, the same girl who was an issue 2x already (second time was about some fb comments that I misunderstood; he explained it to me, but yes there she was) was next to him, her head resting on his shoulder. I asked and he confirmed who the girl was. I asked why her head was on his shoulder. He said it was not, her face was just posed toward his direction. I said it looks like her head is resting on your shoulder. Again, he denied it. He told me there's nothing for me to worry about, that he would not do anything to ruin what we have.

I let it go. But in my experience and that of other people's, someone who regularly comes up in an argument is a third party revealing its ugly head in the early days of a relationship's demise.

Ok, fine. I did not let it go that easy. I brought it up again when we were home. I asked him why of all people, she would be the one standing next to you in a group picture? Why is it that she seems to become an issue, and just her?

I mean, I wouldn't have doubts if the three incidents that didn't settle well with me just happened to be a different girl each time. And why am I making a fuss about this one girl? I know it's women's intuition. One day, we are going to end and this girl would be (or part of) the reason.

[OngletNYC]

Originally Posted by stargazermunsta

UPDATE:

The girl from the office pops up again today.



He was showing me pictures on his phone when he clicked on a group pic. He clicked it back. I asked to see what it was and he said it was just a group pic from the office. Lo and behold, the same girl who was an issue 2x already (second time was about some fb comments that I misunderstood; he explained it to me, but yes there she was) was next to him, her head resting on his shoulder. I asked and he confirmed who the girl was. I asked why her head was on his shoulder. He said it was not, her face was just posed toward his direction. I said it looks like her head is resting on your shoulder. Again, he denied it. He told me there's nothing for me to worry about, that he would not do anything to ruin what we have.

I let it go. But in my experience and that of other people's, someone who regularly comes up in an argument is a third party revealing its ugly head in the early days of a relationship's demise.

Ok, fine. I did not let it go that easy. I brought it up again when we were home. I asked him why of all people, she would be the one standing next to you in a group picture? Why is it that she seems to become an issue, and just her?

I mean, I wouldn't have doubts if the three incidents that didn't settle well with me just happened to be a different girl each time. And why am I making a fuss about this one girl? I know it's women's intuition. One day, we are going to end and this girl would be (or part of) the reason.

You sound like a crazy jealous person. You need to stop seeing this guy and get your self esteem together, because this level of interrogation over an office pic is not normal. Even if he IS plotting sleeping with someone else, you should not be with this guy. This relationship is not healthy.

[zentropa]

Originally Posted by OngletNYC

You sound like a crazy jealous person. You need to stop seeing this guy and get your self esteem together, because this level of interrogation over an office pic is not normal. Even if he IS plotting sleeping with someone else, you should not be with this guy. This relationship is not healthy.

Oh my goodness, yes! Soooo many accusatory questions for the poor guy. You really love to put the pressure on, don't you? Why did you do this? What do you mean by that? Holy cannoli.

If I was this guy I would be feeling very uncomfortable and itching to bolt from the crazy. You being so hot is probably all that's keeping him around.

Back off, and stop trying to live his life.

[Shankapotomus]

Originally Posted by stargazermunsta

I waited almost 3 months for this guy to ask me out. When he finally did, I dropped everything to go out with him. The first date went so well, and he asked me to be his gf that night. He wooed me and all, always had time to be with me. I made him wait three weeks before I agreed to be his gf and everything was perfect. A couple of days later, he me brought to his house. The day after, we had dinner with his family, who were all so warm. The week after, I met his closest friends.

Weeks later, when their company outing came, he did not bring me even if he originally said he was going to. When I went out of town, he had had dinner with some workmates, a guy and a girl. Since then, I feel that he's not being responsive to my facebook comments anymore. It's like he no longer wants people to know he has a gf. I feel so sad. Because of this, I'm avoiding him too.

He doesn't make as much effort as before. I feel like I'm pulling away and he's just letting me. It makes me cry. Some say he's lucky to have a hot gf like me and that we're proof that opposites attract. It's not that he's ugly, but i guess it's like the nerd dates the cheerleader captain (which I was). He told me that he likes hot chicks, that's why he was so attracted to me. But I know that he falls for smart women. The girl from his office is nowhere near hot, but she's smart. I feel so low. I'm not an airhead, I'm a writer so I know I have brains, but I'm just not the geeky type he falls for :'(

I didn't want to lose him because he was so nice to me, so much better than the jerks I dated. But this insecurity is making me give him up... What can I do?

Lower your expectations and just enjoy being with him when you can.

One thing I learned is never complain. Let a relationship be what it wants to be and if it wants to dissolve by its own momentum, let it. That way you are never labeled a complainer. So much of our bad relationship experiences occur not from the actual relationship but from us struggling to preserve or control what happens. By doing this we leave ourselves open to being mischaracterized as "the difficult one" or "complainer" and that branding can follow us into our subsequent relationships and impede our ability to love and fall in love. You can make polite suggestions for change but if you meet negative or angry resistance, let it go.

If a boyfriend is in a pattern of ignoring you or treating you bad, let the natural distance between you that develops out of that play out without complaint. Then, if your relationship does end, you will not be remembered as the disturbance or complainer and he will only have himself to blame later when he asks or thinks about what ended his relationship with you.

In others words, if you have to leave someone leave them with the feeling you are the easiest person to deal with and that thought alone may bring them back to you someday when he realizes the error of his ways.

Also a good tip to keep in mind when having difficulties in a relationship is to not frame those difficulties as "he's wrong, I'm right"...that maybe true but if you want to avoid the aforementioned "complainer" label or worse "blamer", frame all differences as "incompatibilities". That way you can't be accused of pointing fingers or judging. Always think of ways to avoid the "difficult person" label. Fighting and arguing is a trap. Don't fight. Do one of three things: politely suggest changes, adapt or politely walk away leaving them with the best possible impression of you. You can even try all three in sequence if one or another doesn't work. Test each one out.

The idea behind politely walking away from the relationship leaving him the best possible impression of you is that when their friends ask them what happened he won't be able to say "oh, she was a B". He'll have to confront the fact that you were the coolest most easy going person but he didn't respect what he had. In other words, he won't be able to talk bad about you and that knowledge alone may bring him back to you when his later relationships are fighting with him.

When Yoko Ono was going through a similar problem with John Lennon she even actively encouraged him to see another woman. And of course, we all know how that turned out. There is wisdom to be found there.


I want to add that I have tremendous respect for you being a cheerleader but brave enough and not too hung up to date "nerds". In this day and age that is commendable of you.

[stargazermunsta]

Originally Posted by D217

But, he did. He asked if you wanted to put "in a relationship w/..." on your fb, and you said No.

I guess its different if he did it on his own, not asked if its what I wanted... just to shut me up (or something like that).

Originally Posted by D217

If you're not happy about something, and talking with him doesn't resolve it, then don't be afraid to end the relationship. You don't have to wait until it all blows up into one big final scene.

I try to talk to him, but he just doesn't seem to get it that I am angry at this girl.

Originally Posted by D217

If a girl from his office is that much of a threat to your relationship- think about what kind of relationship is this?

I really dont know.

Originally Posted by rego00123

sounds like you too need to openly talk about things and decide if you are really ready for a serious relationship.

I try to tell him how I feel. He tells me he understands and says sorry, but I feel he doesn't get me. I am ready to be serious, that's why Im working this out.

Originally Posted by hatgirl007

1st of all you should not given him the time of day when he didn't get in touch with you for 3 months because that meant he was involved, not interested, and you were at the bottom of his priorities. He gave you a title for the purpose of getting you to go all in when it came to this relationship. To not know you and suggest being girlfriend and boyfriend when you don't even know each others true personality, habits, morals, values, interests, and compatibility shows how easy it is for him to jump in and our of relationships. 3rd - stop talking about yourself as if you aren't good enough for him. Sounds like he successfully running a mind game on you making you chase after him (ugly duckling) to level his insecurity issues.

Dump him, trust me, you aren't loosing anything.

I never thought of it that way.

I know Im good enough for anyone, that's why I can't stand how this woman could even be in the same picture with me (so to speak).

But other than this issue with the girl and fb, he has been a great boyfriend. So I still want to work this out.

Originally Posted by maddog1

A little too friendly in that picture for my taste. why did he not want you to see the pic? Guilty conscience? Your gut is telling you something , red flag. Oh and don't.bring her up anymore. Just watch silently.

Exactly my point. Well, I didnt let it go. Again.

Originally Posted by maddog1

but why when he asked to be "in relationship with" status on fb , why did you say no? to me this is confusing. He may find it confusing , too.

It felt like he just asked me to end the issue. I would rather he did it on his own... because he wanted to and not because I pestered him into doing so.

Originally Posted by OngletNYC

You sound like a crazy jealous person.

I guess I am. Im possessive too. He's my guy, and there should be no other woman in this relationship but me.

Originally Posted by zentropa

Oh my goodness, yes! Soooo many accusatory questions for the poor guy. You really love to put the pressure on, don't you? Why did you do this? What do you mean by that? Holy cannoli.

If I was this guy I would be feeling very uncomfortable and itching to bolt from the crazy. You being so hot is probably all that's keeping him around.

This made me laugh!

Well, he does say he goes crazy just looking at me in bed. He looks at me all the time were together that I sometimes tell him to stop bec its annoying. But his liking my looks is not all that keeps him around. I cook really well and his diet just jumps out the window every single time I cook for him. And I havent even brought out my killer signature recipes that guys just could never resist! =)

And I can always make him say yes to what I want when I turn on "the charm" and go sweet on him.

But (sigh) yes, I'm a greeneyed monster. Always have been, since I was a kid. Always have been daddy's princess and I cant stand having to share someone's love.

Originally Posted by zentropa

Back off, and stop trying to live his life.

Oh I backed off, alright. I just gave him two weeks so we could both think about what's happening. He didnt want to, but I insisted. He keeps texting me how sad he is, I dont think I can last either. I am going to make up with him tomorrow.

Originally Posted by Shankapotomus

Lower your expectations and just enjoy being with him when you can.

Thank you Shankapotomus. This is very insightful. I am taking everything you said to heart. I hope I can be strong enough to be the one who doesn't complain. This would take so much patience and understanding...

Originally Posted by Shankapotomus

I want to add that I have tremendous respect for you being a cheerleader but brave enough and not too hung up to date "nerds". In this day and age that is commendable of you.

Thank you, but he's not the sniffling type. He's a killer on the court and watching him play just makes me wanna make out with him in the locker (just a fantasy ok, never did that in school ) He's also made now, as most nerds become, I guess. But he still looks like one with his glasses on

[D217]

Originally Posted by stargazermunsta

I try to tell him how I feel. He tells me he understands and says sorry, but I feel he doesn't get me. I am ready to be serious, that's why Im working this out.

That bolded part is important.

I really can relate, I mean, believe me, I've stuck with sub-par relationships thinking I was in love, that he was "the one", excessive jealousy/insecurity issues, or that our problems could be worked out one way or another....only later come to find that we really just weren't all that compatible...

I believe when you find what you're looking for, the guy will "GET" you!

Good luck either way!

[supermanpansy]

Originally Posted by stargazermunsta

Thank you maddog for reading my post well and for the compliment. You see, with the last LTR I had, people would say we looked so good together. Seeing his pictures still makes me weak in the knees (I proved this last night). He treated me like a princess, same as my current bf. Except for my ex's temper, he was the perfect guy for me... everything I wanted in a guy physically, made love that drove me crazy, and all I had to do was say the word and whatever I wanted was mine. The thing is, he always has to have someone to love. We were apart for three months and he cheated on me. That burned me. The breakup was messy.

I dated another hot guy and while he brought me home to meet the family and introduced me as his girlfriend, he probably kept two other girls on the side. I got out of that just in time, but it saddened me for a while.

I went out with average and even the chubby ones, but they turned out to be jerks. I just don't want to be a martyr for someone who's not worth it. I want to work at a relationship, but the guy had better be worth my tears.

That's why I said I'm going for the "good boy" now. My current bf is the silent and shy type and I found it endearing. I never dated anyone who wore glasses before, but I didn't mind them on him. When he took them off, he almost looked like the hunk I used to have a thing with! But now, I would look at his pics and I don't feel anything (a bit angry, maybe). Probably because I feel like he's kinda ignoring me now and I resent it. I hope we're just going through a phase. I don't want it to end, but I honestly don't want to see him or be with him at this time. Is this normal?

No offense, but you can't be too great looking if you are going out with very average/ even chubby ones. And if a dork makes you weak in the knees, most likely your not as "hot" as you think. I've seen many cheerleaders in my life. Sorry sweetie, but that don't mean sh t. I've seen alot of real chubby/ homely ones in the last ten to twenty years. I don't even think of the hot girls as cheerleaders anymore.

But, if you are so opposite, then you need to find someone more like yourself. Because if you are much better looking than the "geek that somehow makes your knees weak-can't figure that one out) then you should be paired with someone more suited to you. I have always believed that people should date similar-otherwise jealousy and "feelings" of not good enough soon enough enter the picture. Plus (and I like to look ahead) and perhaps I'm being overly vain, but do you want to have kids with a fugly father? You might end up with a load of "butterface kids". I'm not saying that you wouldn't love them all just the same-but let's be honest, most of us want good looking kids if we can. And in the end it's not going to work because of his insecurities of dating someone "above" him. Although, I am highly suspicious that you aren't as "high above him" as you think you are. Highschool cheerleaders anymore are not that good looking and most of them put on the pounds afterwords..Perhaps, you're more even lookwise than you think. Sorry, if all this sounds crude. I just want to shoot it straight for ya. Either way, it doesn't sound good.

You got together all hot and steamy (still confused about that one if your so fine and he's a geek) and then quickly, you both pull away (mainly him since he started it). Maybe he's such a dork that all he ever wanted was the "goods" and now that he got them it lifted his pathetic "ego" and he can now say he slept with a cheerleader...Sounds like tragedy any way you look at it..Sorry, just being brutally honest. I hope I am wrong, but peoples own perceptions of themselves are often very skewed. Last but not least, how perfect can "any" courtship be within a month? You were in the honeymoon phase..That usually lasts a bit longer. That phase didn't even last til the second month. Drop him and find someone better.