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personally i would ask myself what changed to make her be this way. people dont suddenly change they grow in to their roles in a relationship.
you already want to leave and its not over messes and money, its over equality and respect.
OP: is there anything you think you could possibly do to salvage the very loving relationship you had mentioned, while also have her start doing her "fair share" of things? For example, have you considered asking her to see a social worker of therapist at all, to see if they can hopefully help her get back on a positive track?
Maybe she could make you happy again, if you gave her a second chance to make things up and make amends to you, in a meaningful and real, practical way? I would strongly urge her to start attending therapy sessions...and if she refuses, then at least you know you tried everything you possibly could, to help her? Also, is it perhaps possible that maybe because of her depression you had mentioned, she doesn't totally understand in her own mind how to meet your needs...if she truly knew how you felt, maybe she might seriously want to improve her behavior, so as not to lose your love and the relationship that you have built together with her, for so long?
ETA: you had mentioned that she is very loving and caring to you, and frequently makes you breakfast, lunch, and dinner...if she genuinely does these things out of love for you, perhaps, with kind help and patient, loving guidance from you and/or a therapist, her love for you would also extend to doing more of the things you mentioned you would like her to improve on, in your original post?
ETA: if I were personally in your shoes, I wouldn't give up on your relationship, just yet...I honestly have a good feeling that things could potentially get better and improve, given time and postive encouragement / support from you
Last edited by Phoenix2017; 07-27-2012 at 10:26 PM..
Reason: Adds
Personally, I think it would be good for both of you to break up. Sometimes we stay with people not right for us, just because it is too much work to break up and move on.
This relationship is like an old pair of beat up shoes, you lkove them because they are comfy, but you know they don't look good, and have holes...you know you need a new pair...the old pair just won't do any longer...no matter how well broken in they are. Sad but true.
You can easily find someone better.
We all look at the good and bad in a relationship. But in this case, the job issue is a huge flag of major dysfunction...
Doesn't sound to me like she is trying to contribute to the household and relationship in good faith.
Being a messy person is not bad in itself, or down on you luck financially. However, it sounds like she is making no honest attempts to rectify it, or at least contribute in other areas where she is strong if she is weak in those. (Really, if she is out of work, she could easily straighten up a little).
Sounds to me like she is comfy because she is mooching off of you, and you are enabling her to do so.
Background - - We are not married, but have been together for 6 years, living together for 5. Me a 35 yo who is very close to my very large family, I have several nieces & nephews, I love them very much but I do not want kids, I don't feel compelled to get married yet. Her a 33 yo who had a rough childhood, has intamacy issues, doesn't want children either, is in process of mending issues she has with mother, sister, and brothers.
The good - - She loves me. That much I KNOW. She is always happy to see me, is in a good mood most of the time, She makes me laugh. She is thoughtful on Birthdays. She makes me breakfast, lunch, and dinner most days. She wants to spend every minute with me, I believe I am her world. I think that is good and bad.
The bad - - She has no friends except for me. She is clingy when I would prefer to be alone sometimes (I believe I am a loner naturally). She cannot keep a job. She is looking for her 4th job in 6 years. She has had issues with every supervisor she has had. It is always their issue (supervisor), she (in her mind) is never the problem. She works at call centers, and has no college and no marketable skills.
When she has a job, she often calls in sick and has on 3 seperate occasions used FMLA and short term disability to take several months off. She takes many medications for her chronic aches, migraines, insomnia, and other "illnesses" that doctors have never been able to diagnose but some give her meds anyways.
I by nature am minimalistic and hate clutter and a messy house, while she does nothing but clutter up the house. She leaves clothes, bags, stuff EVERYWHERE. She is often in the kitchen where once done making meals, she will leave dishes in the sink for days even weeks. Our house is constanly messy, I cannot stand it. Every once in a while I will clean up and that will last a week at most. Her mothers house looks like a hoarders episode so I know she has just never learned but this has affected how often I am comfortable inviting friends and family over (which has been twice in 5 years) We even tried a cleaning lady but she quit after 2 months.
Why don't I clean up more if it bothers me so much? Well, I am starting to have resentment towards her more and more because I pay 99% of all bills, rent, food, gas, trips. And I feel like she is not pulling her weight. I WANT a PARTNER who will share bills and responsibilities. She stays awake until 7-8 am and gets up around 4-5pm everyday! I leave for work and when I come home, I have to wake her up sometimes.
Is she looking for a job? no, she does just enough to satisfy the wokers comp people and that's it. I believe she loves me but is it enough? Is this a good partner? When we met she was not like this. Well, she could have hidden her messiness, but she had a job, she was lively and energetic. I know if we split it would devistate her. Is that a good reason to stay? I do love her, but I am starting to get tired of taking care of her.
When we first met I told her I was looking for an equal partner and how I was always giving and giving while my partner would take and take. She said that was her too, always giving and never taking. We both said we wanted equal partners. And we were for 1-2 years. But now, It feels like all those other doomed relationships. But I have so much more invested this time. Can anyone relate?
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*First, I am very sorry to hear about your girlfriend's troubles. It is very clear that she has major depression and may be suffering from either Bipolar disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder.
Second, as sad as it is to say it, I think you need to leave/ get out. This lady needs to fix herself -- you cannot fix her. She needs to start seeing a counselor (on her own), get herself enrolled into some type of religious organization (doesn't have to be hard core Christian... can be Buddhist, Unitarian, New Age... but the point is it will get her thinking and acting on a spiritual level AND give her a supportive spiritual community to rely on from time to time), she needs to start incorporating lots of healthy, less processed foods into her diet (if she's eating a lot of processed foods it can wreak havoc on her body and brain), and she needs to re-evaluate the meds she is already on (the meds she takes could be making a lot of issues she has actually worse... especially her depression).
Something else to consider here is that she grew up in an unhealthy family and old habits in upbringing die hard. I've come across an uncanny number of people who have the above disorders.... was curious about them and started reading a lot of contemporary, social science psych literature and the one theme that keeps popping up is that most people are only going to be as mentally and emotionally healthy as their mothers were/are unless they choose to do some major overhauling through counseling -- and most people don't.
*First, I am very sorry to hear about your girlfriend's troubles. It is very clear that she has major depression and may be suffering from either Bipolar disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder.
Second, as sad as it is to say it, I think you need to leave/ get out. This lady needs to fix herself -- you cannot fix her. She needs to start seeing a counselor (on her own), get herself enrolled into some type of religious organization (doesn't have to be hard core Christian... can be Buddhist, Unitarian, New Age... but the point is it will get her thinking and acting on a spiritual level AND give her a supportive spiritual community to rely on from time to time), she needs to start incorporating lots of healthy, less processed foods into her diet (if she's eating a lot of processed foods it can wreak havoc on her body and brain), and she needs to re-evaluate the meds she is already on (the meds she takes could be making a lot of issues she has actually worse... especially her depression).
Something else to consider here is that she grew up in an unhealthy family and old habits in upbringing die hard. I've come across an uncanny number of people who have the above disorders.... was curious about them and started reading a lot of contemporary, social science psych literature and the one theme that keeps popping up is that most people are only going to be as mentally and emotionally healthy as their mothers were/are unless they choose to do some major overhauling through counseling -- and most people don't.
**** UPDATE **** A final note: having worked in call centers the majority of my working adult life, I can tell you 99.9% of them are beyond horrible places to work. With the depression she already clearly has, working in a call center is making it worse (know this from personal experience). It is often an easy job to get when you've have some kind of customer experience and if you don't have any other skills -- -- and though that is not your problem, it may add some insight into her plight. Suggest she try working for a non-profit for a cause she cares about on their Donor Relations team where she can interact with people who are happy to call in and give money to the same cause. Non profits also usually treat their employees way better than call centers do. The Last Bullying Frontier | Psychology Today
Whether you walk away or not, the above advice is good to plant as a seed in her brain!
I completely forgot about this account and so when reading all these old posts I came across this one.
I hate when I read a thread and there are no updates to it...so I thought I would quickly update all who tried to help.
It did not work out. I gave it another try, but we broke up back in May 2013. She got another job, a really good one at an Fortune 500 bank, yes still a call center but room for advanceent in several directions. And after about 2 months wanted to quit to take a vacation with her mom! I could not talk her out of it.
Last straw. we fought. I told her it was over. It took her 6 weeks to move out. Awkward.
I thought I would be hurting more. But 9 months later, I don't even think about it anymore. If you are in something like this, move on is my advice. I was afraid because of everything I had into it. But, that's not the kind of parter I wanted. That's not the kind of partner 99.9% of people would want.
My next relationship will be a real partner. That's all I really wanted. Anyways thanks to everyone who tried to help not just me but everybody on this board who some (like me) do really need your advice even if we are all strangers.
You will need to find another woman who makes you the center of her universe, and who also does not want children. This will not be easy, so you may, or may not, ever find her.
I, too, could not be happy in a messy house, and I think I would rather be alone than live with a mess. Only you can decide.
Oops, I see your update above. Good for you, and good luck.
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