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Background - - We are not married, but have been together for 6 years, living together for 5. Me a 35 yo who is very close to my very large family, I have several nieces & nephews, I love them very much but I do not want kids, I don't feel compelled to get married yet. Her a 33 yo who had a rough childhood, has intamacy issues, doesn't want children either, is in process of mending issues she has with mother, sister, and brothers.
The good - - She loves me. That much I KNOW. She is always happy to see me, is in a good mood most of the time, She makes me laugh. She is thoughtful on Birthdays. She makes me breakfast, lunch, and dinner most days. She wants to spend every minute with me, I believe I am her world. I think that is good and bad.
The bad - - She has no friends except for me. She is clingy when I would prefer to be alone sometimes (I believe I am a loner naturally). She cannot keep a job. She is looking for her 4th job in 6 years. She has had issues with every supervisor she has had. It is always their issue (supervisor), she (in her mind) is never the problem. She works at call centers, and has no college and no marketable skills.
When she has a job, she often calls in sick and has on 3 seperate occasions used FMLA and short term disability to take several months off. She takes many medications for her chronic aches, migraines, insomnia, and other "illnesses" that doctors have never been able to diagnose but some give her meds anyways.
I by nature am minimalistic and hate clutter and a messy house, while she does nothing but clutter up the house. She leaves clothes, bags, stuff EVERYWHERE. She is often in the kitchen where once done making meals, she will leave dishes in the sink for days even weeks. Our house is constanly messy, I cannot stand it. Every once in a while I will clean up and that will last a week at most. Her mothers house looks like a hoarders episode so I know she has just never learned but this has affected how often I am comfortable inviting friends and family over (which has been twice in 5 years) We even tried a cleaning lady but she quit after 2 months.
Why don't I clean up more if it bothers me so much? Well, I am starting to have resentment towards her more and more because I pay 99% of all bills, rent, food, gas, trips. And I feel like she is not pulling her weight. I WANT a PARTNER who will share bills and responsibilities. She stays awake until 7-8 am and gets up around 4-5pm everyday! I leave for work and when I come home, I have to wake her up sometimes.
Is she looking for a job? no, she does just enough to satisfy the wokers comp people and that's it. I believe she loves me but is it enough? Is this a good partner? When we met she was not like this. Well, she could have hidden her messiness, but she had a job, she was lively and energetic. I know if we split it would devistate her. Is that a good reason to stay? I do love her, but I am starting to get tired of taking care of her.
When we first met I told her I was looking for an equal partner and how I was always giving and giving while my partner would take and take. She said that was her too, always giving and never taking. We both said we wanted equal partners. And we were for 1-2 years. But now, It feels like all those other doomed relationships. But I have so much more invested this time. Can anyone relate?
She's clingy and you're not.
She's messy and you're neat.
She's doesn't contribute to making herself better. You are out there making your way.
She changed for the worse. You are still plugging along.
I'm sorry to say, but love doesn't pay the bills. I couldn't put up with someone who had no ambition and no motivation to better themself. That you are resentful of her for sponging off of you is understandable, but she is an adult, who sounds like she needs a wake-up call to start participatng in life. Do what is best for you. She is an adult and it's time for her to start acting like one.
It seems like a lot of baggage but what has made you stick around for 6 years? Why are you just now taking note?
Well the first 2 years were great, we really were a good team. I would help out with the house and she would get groceries, or meals out, or even trips. That tapered off over the next year and by that time she was on unemplyment and was depressed. She never left the house and I thought I was helping her through something. Then she got another job, and things were ok for a while. And then it happened again she got laid off. And I told her "you were depressed last time, waking up later and later. Lets not do that this time, lets stay active and positive. And the ride was less bumpy, more gradual, and over a longer period of time but eventually we ended up in the same spot. Now she gets laid off again and I just don't know if I want to go through it again.
I am with her because when it is just her and me, she is great. She makes me laugh, she laughs at me. We have a lot of inside jokes and we have a lot of same interests. And they say that when you love someone you love them flaws and all. What I am wondering is...is this a "flaws and all" situation or is this a red flag run for the hills situation
More Background: This is the first "real relationship" I have ever been in. I said I was a natural loner and I am. Between the ages of 18 to 30, I have had 8 girlfriends but none lasted more than 6 months and most were 3 months or less. Either I would want out or they would. But, this is the first girl that i thought I was building something with. So I come to this anonymous board to ask if anyone has been in this situation before? Or some fresh eye perspective that I am not thinking of.
Not necessarily, some folks are simply gluttons for punishment.
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