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As a single male in my mid 30's with no children, I have noticed a trend lately.
For example, I have some women friends that I have been in touch with after long periods of time in which there was no contact for any number of reasons.
Or, maybe I make a new friend through a friend.
Why does it seem that so many people are in "Complicated" relationships? So many people stay involved with people because they don't want to be alone?
Or, are they just buying time untill someone else comes along so they can hop from one person to the next without a transition time (read: single)?
Here is a specific example;
I met up with someone I haven't seen in about 15 years. We had a great time. Quite casual, harmless, opposite sex friend. Turns out she is fighting with her bf, and she knows this bf will never "the one". To make matters more interesting, apparently her bf absolutely does not like her having guy friends at all. Let alone, if he knew she was spending time with me one on one, I could have a problem.
Now, I didn't make a move on my friend, even though we were hitting it off really well. She is attractive, fun, and seemed to share same views on things that I do.
Considering she clearly had a bf, it was never my intention to make a move on her. I honestly thought it would be cool to meet up with an old friend.
And I have to admit, it was really nice to meet up with her.
This is not the first woman that I have spent time with as a friend that i have noticed the "complicated" relationship status lately.
Is this MUCH more common than I realize? Is this a trend of people (read: not just women) in their 30's?
Aside from players who are abviously using people, is a complicated relationship more the norm, until someone comes along that is actually sincere relationship material?
I am single and after listening to my friends talk about their relationships, sometimes I can't help but wonder if they get off on the drama. If I hear one more "We fight so muuuuuchh, but he loooves me" I am going to poke my eye out with a fork.
It's not a trend, it's always been a tendency for some women. I think it's fairly common, but couldn't hazard a guesstimated percentage. People go with someone they know isn't marriage material because that is preferable to them than being alone. They figure that when someone they could get serious about comes along, they'll dump the guy who's just filling in. Needless to say, even when the not-serious relationship is going relatively well, this can lead to a lot of drama when the guy gets dumped. Obviously, this isn't fair to the guy, who didn't know he was just filling in.
Women with integrity who don't want to inflict unnecessary suffering on people don't do this. They also know that it's better to be alone than with someone who isn't a good fit.
I'm concerned your friend is with a guy who's controlling. Maybe he's that way anyway, or maybe he has an inkling that she's not serious about him, and he does what he can to prevent himself being dumped. Either way, it's not good for her to be in a relationship like that, and obviously, it's not good for him, even if he doesn't know she's hoping to find her true love and dump him someday.
To answer your question, this type of fill-in, marking-time-until-something-better-comes-along type of relationship is a norm. I think it's pretty common.
How do you feel about your friend, in view of all this? I'm wondering if it might not be worthwhile for you to be accessible to her (as a friend), in case her relationship implodes, or just for her to have someone to confide in. You might, at some point, somehow delicately ask her why she's sticking out a difficult relationship, and tell her how you feel about her. Maybe it would dawn on her that the something better she's waiting for is you. As long as the bf doesn't know you exist and doesn't know who you are, you should be ok, if you're inclined to take that step.
Or...not. You might keep looking for someone who's "uncomplicated". Your call.
It's not a trend, it's always been a tendency for some women. I think it's fairly common, but couldn't hazard a guesstimated percentage. People go with someone they know isn't marriage material because that is preferable to them than being alone. They figure that when someone they could get serious about comes along, they'll dump the guy who's just filling in. Needless to say, even when the not-serious relationship is going relatively well, this can lead to a lot of drama when the guy gets dumped. Obviously, this isn't fair to the guy, who didn't know he was just filling in.
Women with integrity who don't want to inflict unnecessary suffering on people don't do this. They also know that it's better to be alone than with someone who isn't a good fit.
I'm concerned your friend is with a guy who's controlling. Maybe he's that way anyway, or maybe he has an inkling that she's not serious about him, and he does what he can to prevent himself being dumped. Either way, it's not good for her to be in a relationship like that, and obviously, it's not good for him, even if he doesn't know she's hoping to find her true love and dump him someday.
To answer your question, this type of fill-in, marking-time-until-something-better-comes-along type of relationship is a norm. I think it's pretty common.
How do you feel about your friend, in view of all this? I'm wondering if it might not be worthwhile for you to be accessible to her (as a friend), in case her relationship implodes, or just for her to have someone to confide in. You might, at some point, somehow delicately ask her why she's sticking out a difficult relationship, and tell her how you feel about her. Maybe it would dawn on her that the something better she's waiting for is you. As long as the bf doesn't know you exist and doesn't know who you are, you should be ok, if you're inclined to take that step.
Or...not. You might keep looking for someone who's "uncomplicated". Your call.
Is there such a thing as uncomplicated? haha. Can't remember the last time I saw uncomplicated.
How do I feel about this friend in spite of this? Well, it is a bit of a turn off to discover that she treats people this way. I guess I wonder if this is such a common adult behavior, do I let this issue go.
This is probably someone I could entertain the idea of dating, but my instincts here are telling me she might be trouble. I don't know.
I am not going to chase after her, and honestly, with everything I have going on, it is probably best if her and I are and remain just friends.
I agree that her current bf is probably controlling, as EVERY time I have heard of similiar bf issues, the guy has had pretty big problems, and things don't usually work out.
.
I am sure we are all complicated in some way.....
Is there such a thing as uncomplicated? haha. Can't remember the last time I saw uncomplicated.
How do I feel about this friend in spite of this? Well, it is a bit of a turn off to discover that she treats people this way. I guess I wonder if this is such a common adult behavior, do I let this issue go.
This is probably someone I could entertain the idea of dating, but my instincts here are telling me she might be trouble. I don't know.
I am not going to chase after her, and honestly, with everything I have going on, it is probably best if her and I are and remain just friends.
I agree that her current bf is probably controlling, as EVERY time I have heard of similiar bf issues, the guy has had pretty big problems, and things don't usually work out.
Yes, there definitely is "uncomplicated". The women who are single with no auxiliary guy they're keeping around. The women who have active, rich lives, living independently.
I know a guy who met and married a woman like your friend. He seemed to think it was normal for women to keep a guy around for companionship, like--"oh well, that's life, but she's with me now, that's what counts". I can understand your qualms, though. To thine own self be true.
Try to figure out where independent women might be found. Going hiking with a group, without an SO in tow. Volunteering at a museum or political campaign, maybe. Or hanging out with girlfriends at a coffeeshop or neighborhood restaurant. They're out there. At least you have a clear vision of what you want.
I'm in my early 30s, single, no kids, never married. I think the reason I am most of those things is because I like to keep it simple. It's hard to be in a simple relationship. After having been in complicated relationships, I just have no tolerance for it. I date around, but haven't come close to being in a real relationship in about a year.
I think complicated relationships are pretty common. My girlfriends and guyfriends all have them, some are even married.
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