I can leave him, but I can't leave his son (married, girl)
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19 years old is too young to be trapped into being a step-mom. I feel sorry for the kid but it's his fathers fault for allowing you to move in and become the substitute mommy. You're 19! Plenty of time to be tied down later on in life. You're bored because you're supposed to be exploring the direction you want your life to go and hangout with your peers. 19 years old and spending 14-15 hours a day taking care of someone else's kid? Do you have parents? Friends? What do they think about this?
I say get out now.
My parents are actually the ones that recommended the living together. They work out of state and are gone 6-7 months at a time so we live at their house so they know the house and pets are taken care of. They are in love with the kid and consider him a grandchild. I have always been very mature for my age and they thought it was a great idea for me to live with him. My only friends are 45+ and they love both boyfriend and son.
My boyfriend is 29. and he may have very well tricked me into this. He's very good at it if he did. Although, it was my choice to quit my job. And at the time he was only working 8hrs. If I knew he would start working 15+ I wouldn't have done it.
He still buys me gifts and gives me money. I say I want something, he's at the store buying it. and it really bothers me when he does. I've already emotionally let go and I just simply do not care for the relationship anymore. I want to be able to go to school and make a career for myself, and then one day have a family.
He has a bad temper and when I tell him the way I feel, he'll take everything, and I doubt he'd even let me talk to the kid on the phone.
Possibly it bothers you because it's reinforcing the notion that he has little depth and this relationship is based on him showering you. I'm not seeing where you were emotionally invested as the OP didn't detail intimacy, compatibility, or connection simply being showered with gifts and money with no expectations.
Probably suited for you to focus on your life especially school and career than playing mommy or being in an unwanted relationship for the sake of a child when the father could be in a relationship with a gal who wants him and his son.
Possibly it bothers you because it's reinforcing the notion that he has little depth and this relationship is based on him showering you. I'm not seeing where you were emotionally invested as the OP didn't detail intimacy, compatibility, or connection simply being showered with gifts and money with no expectations.
Probably suited for you to focus on your life especially school and career than playing mommy or being in an unwanted relationship for the sake of a child when the father could be in a relationship with a gal who wants him and his son.
There used to be that connection and the love used to always be there from both sides. But it was just one day he started his own business, and now it's like I am just a single mother. He's never home. and I think it had a lot to do with it all. How could the relationship be pursued with one person gone?
I realize that it is all very selfish of me to keep it going. I just need to build up the courage to get it done.
That sucks. I'm sorry. I'm not going to talk bad about your parents but it's not right. Anyway it's as I suspected. He found a young woman and failed to appreciate that you need to build a life of your own before you become a parent. He is also temperamental...not good. At 29 this isn't his first experience with a relationship or a break up...he will survive. If your scared of what he may do that speaks volumes.
If anything...if he is going to flip out maybe wait till your parents are present if you're concerned about potential violence.
That sucks. I'm sorry. I'm not going to talk bad about your parents but it's not right. Anyway it's as I suspected. He found a young woman and failed to appreciate that you need to build a life of your own before you become a parent. He is also temperamental...not good. At 29 this isn't his first experience with a relationship or a break up...he will survive. If your scared of what he may do that speaks volumes.
If anything...if he is going to flip out maybe wait till your parents are present if you're concerned about potential violence.
This relationship is only being based on using each other for different things. He gets a home rent free/utility free, plus a free cell phone, free full-time babysitter, and I guess I get the sex and the money. It's crazy that I haven't even thought of it that way, but when I came here my eyes opened to that.
Realizing this will make it easier for me.
Thank you for your input.
OP, I went through something a little bit similar. My favorite ex had a son with an abusive woman who went to psychotic lengths to keep him from his child so that there would be no interference with her treatment of the kid. I was with my ex as he worked to re-establish contact with the kid and gain custody. The child was severely emotionally disturbed but highly intelligent, and he and I got along like a house on fire. I cultivated his love of reading and his curiosity about the world around him. To this day I still love him like he was my own.
But we haven't had contact in about 5 or 6 years. And heck, my feelings for his dad are still relatively positive for the most part. But his dad and I weren't able to sustain a friendship after our romantic and sexual relationship ended. We're just too different. And part of what drove us apart was his approach to parenting - he'd do fine as the father of a normal kid, but he's terrible at being a father to a special needs child. He just doesn't have the patience or the consistency or extreme selflessness to handle it. He's not abusive, but he's barely adequate.
I had a life some 150 miles away, so I couldn't be the constant presence that was needed to make a difference. I had begun to resent my ex for his shortcomings. And damn, it was tearing me up watching the kid's mental illness eating him up. In the end, my ex's kid was not my kid, and I had no legal right to him. Nor did I have any real responsibility to him beyond that which I imposed on myself.
So I cut ties. My ex knows he could reach out to me any day, and I'd be involved in a flash to whatever extent I could manage. But he prefers that I not be involved, I think because he knows I would disapprove of many of his choices. And frankly, I think I have a hard time forgiving him for fumbling his handling of his kid's early years.
I'm not going to lie: I still carry the guilt of walking away from that child even 5 years later. I think about him every day. But I couldn't make any other choice. I'm living a happy life now, and I'd be miserable if I'd continued to fight the losing battle I was fighting back then. When the kid turns 18, in just a few more years, I will try to track him down and offer whatever help I can give him. But that's really all I can do. The people who had the responsibility of loving and caring for him dropped the ball, and that sucks. But it wasn't my fault or my responsibility, and I did what I could for as long as I could.
Trust me, the best thing you could do right now is rip the band-aid off and end the relationship now - before this kid gets any further attached to you and before you get any more enmeshed with his father (who sounds kind of creepy, actually). Your intentions are good, but blighting your life to maintain a relationship with a child who is not (and likely never will be) legally yours will only cause you misery and regret.
And trust me, that kid doesn't need an unhappy mother. I had an unhappy mother, and I honestly can say I never truly knew (or liked) my mom until I was in my 20s and she had divorced my father and removed herself from their miserable marriage.
This relationship is only being based on using each other for different things. He gets a home rent free/utility free, plus a free cell phone, free full-time babysitter, and I guess I get the sex and the money. It's crazy that I haven't even thought of it that way, but when I came here my eyes opened to that.
Realizing this will make it easier for me.
Thank you for your input.
My boyfriend and I started dating in Febuary of this year. I really liked him and thought I had hit the jackpot on this one. I had only been single for 6 days from a previous 3 year long relationship. I was not at all expecting this to happen so soon. Everything about him was so likeable. He was constanly showering me with gifts and money and never expected anything in return. In April, we decided to move in together, only after 2 months of dating. I knew it was a little to fast, but I really liked him at the time and we were getting along wonderfully.
Now 6 months later, I no longer feel the same way. That "fire" really burned out quick for me and I find myself trying to force falling in love. I want to love a man like him, he's that guy that every girl wants. He still acts the same way he did when we first met. Always gifts, telling me I am beautiful, and doing everything & anything for me. But, I am not happy with him at all. I can't figure out why I can't be happy. He's not doing anything wrong. I pull away when he hugs me, I roll over when he tries to cuddle, I can't bring myself to kiss him longer than a second. I want to leave.
The reason it is so hard for me to leave is because he has a 4 year old son that also lives with me. I quit my job over the summer to get to know his son and spend time with him. Obviously, we grew very close. I take care of him 24/7 while my boyfriend works 14-15 hours a day. I am only 19, and being a parent to a child is very new to me. I love him tons and I think of him as my own child, and it will kill me to leave him. (His real mother litterally left him on a doorstep) I'm not only leaving my boyfriend, but also a child. I think of him being confused and hurt. I have been like a mother to him since day one. When he gets hurt or scared, he runs to me for comfort. He wants to me to tuck him in bed.
So, how can I do this? I need to put myself first, and concentrate on making myself happy. But, I can't help but feel guilty about it. I need answers.
I will resist the urge to call shenanigans on this thread. Likewise, I shall refrain from passing any comments to the effect that masters rarely love slaves.
Instead, I will just say:
1. Giving you gifts and money is not a reason to be with a man. You've shown an awful materialistic streak, and you need to grow up a bit.
2. Yes, of course two months is too soon to move in with someone. You shouldn't even have been dating anyone at all at that point. This is a rebound romance, and you need to grow up a bit.
3. His kid will get over it. Kids are more resilient than people your age tend to think, and you need to grow up a bit.
4. Do both him and his son a favor and leave. They deserve someone who has her act a little bit more together than you do, and a little bit less willing to mooch than you are. Yes, I know you are only 19, but say it with me: You need to grow up a bit.
So, how can I do this? I need to put myself first, and concentrate on making myself happy. But, I can't help but feel guilty about it. I need answers.
Leave. Stop wasting their time and, less importantly, your time. They don't need someone in their lives who isn't committed.
[once is enough]
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