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I am curious about something. Except for online dating (where they ask "how many kids" in your profile), no one has ever asked me if I am a single mom before dating. I suppose it might not matter to those men and that's why they didn't ask. But for those of you who won't date single parents, do you even ask first or just find out later? And what do you do if you ask later, but then really like the person you are dating?
EDIT: The post below mine got me thinking... I wonder if part of this is an age thing too. Most of the men I am dating are like me, divorced, and also have kids. Seems like the whole having kids is more of an issue for men who have never been married and haven't had kids of their own yet. So maybe that's why it never really comes up until after we start the date (and then it's usually us talking about each of our kids).
Even though my details included "kids" in the details of my dating profile, I still added this:
Quote:
P.S., for you childless or younger folks, say, <35, as you can see in my details located to the right >, I, gasp, have children. I am divorced, and have only one baby daddy. Keep this in mind if you decide to strike up a conversation with me. I tend to exclusively date older men partly due to this reason -- they typically have children and are at a similar place in life.
It made sense to include it because I wanted to reiterate that I have kids, and for those who won't date divorced women with children they see this and can easily move on to the next profile.
Since my minimum age was 34, and the average age of the men I dated was late 30's, the majority were divorced and/or had children. So my having children wasn't really an issue. The man I married was on the younger end, 35, never married and childless.
I am curious about something. Except for online dating (where they ask "how many kids" in your profile), no one has ever asked me if I am a single mom before dating. I suppose it might not matter to those men and that's why they didn't ask. But for those of you who won't date single parents, do you even ask first or just find out later? And what do you do if you ask later, but then really like the person you are dating?
EDIT: The post below mine got me thinking... I wonder if part of this is an age thing too. Most of the men I am dating are like me, divorced, and also have kids. Seems like the whole having kids is more of an issue for men who have never been married and haven't had kids of their own yet. So maybe that's why it never really comes up until after we start the date (and then it's usually us talking about each of our kids).
Us "older folks" may or may not be interested in marriage/remarriage, but we tend to regard relationships as something permanent. I'm undecided whether I'm too much of an egotist to remarry; perhaps the self-aggrandizing appeal of the single life, such as it is, is too tantalyzing to be abrogated. Even so, my ideal relationship isn't a sporadic meeting on the occasional weekend, but a shared household and a shared life. Investments and pensions would presumably be kept separate, but daily expenses would be supported by a joint account. So even outside of marriage, a potential partner's lifestyle situation (kids or no kids, debt or no debt, employment or unemployment, and so forth) matters substantially.
As to jillabean's second point, about the anti-kid stance primarily being limited to men who have never married, I respectfully disagree. My ex and I divorced precisely over the question of children. She decided that she wanted a kid after all, while I remained adamantly opposed. The first thing for which I look in a potential partner is that she doesn't have kids, and doesn't want any. This trumps her physical appearance, her education, her intelligence, her religious affiliation, and really any subject of "chemistry". It's almost as if parents and non-parents were separate species. To date parents would, if you pardon the coarseness of my analogy, be akin to bestiality.
I am dating a single mom of 4 kids, and we have been dating for several months. I was always honest with her when I told her that I wouldn't marry her because she has a large family of kids, and I am not the father of any of them. I broke up with her over this issue for a couple months, but we eventually got back together. Surprisingly, she asked me a couple times if I wanted to come back. I froze in silence both times she asked because I remembered why I previously broke up with her in the first place. I told her that I love her, and we eventually got back together. I love her very much, and if she didn't take me back, I would still love her. But four kids would have been a lot to take on, especially if I was not the father of any of them.
I was pursued very aggressively by a single mom some time ago but she found it very hard to believe my stance. Her ex husband was always hanging around creating drama and she kept on trying to get me involved with her kids.
She also made it very clear concerning her sexual talents but after she noticed I wouldn't go there, her makeup, nice hair styles, cleavage, leather boots and anything else aesthetically pleasing quickly vanished. She even admitted that there was no longer any point bothering because it wasn't working on me.
Think about that for a second and realise what it means in the long term.
Can I use your example in the next "women never hit on men" thread that crops up? Please
Quote:
Originally Posted by ohio_peasant
Us "older folks" may or may not be interested in marriage/remarriage, but we tend to regard relationships as something permanent. I'm undecided whether I'm too much of an egotist to remarry; perhaps the self-aggrandizing appeal of the single life, such as it is, is too tantalyzing to be abrogated. Even so, my ideal relationship isn't a sporadic meeting on the occasional weekend, but a shared household and a shared life. Investments and pensions would presumably be kept separate, but daily expenses would be supported by a joint account. So even outside of marriage, a potential partner's lifestyle situation (kids or no kids, debt or no debt, employment or unemployment, and so forth) matters substantially.
As to jillabean's second point, about the anti-kid stance primarily being limited to men who have never married, I respectfully disagree. My ex and I divorced precisely over the question of children. She decided that she wanted a kid after all, while I remained adamantly opposed. The first thing for which I look in a potential partner is that she doesn't have kids, and doesn't want any. This trumps her physical appearance, her education, her intelligence, her religious affiliation, and really any subject of "chemistry". It's almost as if parents and non-parents were separate species. To date parents would, if you pardon the coarseness of my analogy, be akin to bestiality.
I have no interest in remarrying either... or living with a man (heck, that's not that much different than marriage if you ask me. Especially if you combine household expenses). The very reasons I don't want to marry again are mostly the same as why I wouldn't want to live with someone either. I got the joy of being a "servant" to a man before... never again.
On my second point, maybe I wasn't clear, but I thought I said divorced with children. Most people my age who are single are divorced... and also have children themselves. So I think it's less of an issue with them to date another single parent. Of course if a man or woman is divorced and never wanted children, that's a different story. But I was mainly comparing never married people who never had kids... to ones who had been married and had kids because I think that makes a big difference in people willing to date single parents.
As for the last guy I dated... guess I am into bestiality since he was divorced and never had kids. He did have a lot of back hair as I recall.
I am curious about something. Except for online dating (where they ask "how many kids" in your profile), no one has ever asked me if I am a single mom before dating. I suppose it might not matter to those men and that's why they didn't ask. But for those of you who won't date single parents, do you even ask first or just find out later? And what do you do if you ask later, but then really like the person you are dating?
EDIT: The post below mine got me thinking... I wonder if part of this is an age thing too. Most of the men I am dating are like me, divorced, and also have kids. Seems like the whole having kids is more of an issue for men who have never been married and haven't had kids of their own yet. So maybe that's why it never really comes up until after we start the date (and then it's usually us talking about each of our kids).
I always ask upfront. When I first met my boyfriend I asked mutual friends if he has kids and they said no. On other dates not online I ask before accepting a date. There have been a few times I did go on a date and found out they had kids so I told them we couldn't go farther.
What's interesting about this thread is that everyone is talking about marrying and taking care of someone else's kids when the subject was just dating. Dating you don't even have to see the other person's kids let alone care for them. So many of these dating threads turn to marriage that I sometimes wonder if it's nearly everyone's end game here to marry.
I dated relentlessly from the age of almost 19 to 26, looking for a partner that not only shared my temperament and interests and with whom I was sexually compatible and attracted to, but also who did not want children and was unlikely to change their mind. Smoking and "having/wanting kids" are my two ultimate dealbreaker issues. So it's not personal, there are a lot of great people in the world, they just might have different values/want different things.
I have no desire to be a step dad. I wouldn't blame the kids for hating me.
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