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I seem to meet men who have no issue with me as a single mom but ask too many questions about my son and seem to want to get involved or get offended if I don't offer much about my child or talk with them about that part of my life. I seem to have the opposite issue of men thinking that they will be playing daddy or act as if they are interested in it and I'm not.
Your situation is truly the exception to the rule.
The kid has to be manageable...
A lot of single moms (generalizing broadly here) tend to overdose their care for the kid, which in turn makes the kid unbearable to deal with.
Don't get me wrong here, the kid comes first of course, BUT
There is a difference between the kids wellbeing coming first, and the kids every whim and impulse coming before anything important for the relationship.
For example if I'm with a woman who has a child and we've planned a 7-day trip since months before, and the kids first football game of the season has been rescheduled to that week, then that kid can miss 1 game, not canceling a trip for which vacation has beentaken from work, planetickets have been bought, hotels have been reserved etc.
The kid can come first, but with a lot of single moms, the kid not only comes first, but also 2nd, 3rd .... ... ... 100th, 101st, 102nd... and then at spot 811 (and a half) is the SOs spot, then scr€w that.
If you're a mother, that's great, but if you also want to date, then you can't be 100% defined by it, you have to also have time to be a woman, and a person of your own.
With all that said, I did sort of date a mother who was wonderfully caring, and I've observed that women who have kids seem to lean more towards this quality, which I guess(I wouldn't know as I've always been single) is a pretty big one in a relationship.
This, exactly this. The woman I was dating some time ago called me and (thinking things might have changed, like a fool) we started spending time together. A few weeks went by and her b-day was coming up. I wanted to do something special for her so I called ahead about a week in advance to a restaurant and reserved a table for us. Her b-day came and we were supposed to be there at 6pm. I got to her place a few hours early and what followed was hours upon house of whining by her child who once again attempted to make everything about him - demanding it was his day, demanding he get a present on her birthday, whining about the restaurant not having his favorite food (top a ramen and mac and cheese), physically attacking her when she asked him repeatedly get his shoes on & raising a hand at me when I asked him to be nice for his mom's birthday. I tried to bear with it for a few days but finally had enough of the situation. I was in love with her and still have feelings for her, but she's set in her ways and will likely never change. That combined with the ex-husband not wanting to be a father proved too much to deal with. Edit: her son pulled this kind of thing everyday, not just on her birthday.
Agree with a lot of these. I am a woman, now I am married but if I were to become divorced, or widowed, I feel like I'd be screwed to be alone. I'm infertile and I am fine that way. If I were to be back on the market, at my age I'd be hard-pressed to find a guy my age with no kids, and happy that way. I can't imagine dating a dude with kids for the above reasons. #1 is important to me. Already on unequal grounds emotionally.
Life is hard enough. I look forward to things like trips, vacations, dinners out, time with loved ones. The chances of things being cancelled or changed due to Junior's school trips or meltdowns would be common. I don't think I could handle giving up the things I live for and that are important to me because Junior doesn't want to, Junior threw a tantrum, or Junior hates me because he wants mommy and daddy back together instead.
Everyone, I mean EVERYONE I know involved in a step-relationship has been put thru HELL. Most of them have told me point blank it is NOT worth it. So much drama, I just can't imagine putting myself through the emotional trauma that I have witnessed countless friends, co-workers, and family go through due to stepkids, and SO's children from previous relationships.
I work so hard for what I have. I can't imagine working as hard as I do, then having to forfeit what time, money, and fun I have because my SO has to give all his time and money to Junior and babymama; therefore all my money has to pay for mine and SO's place, car, and bills. Therefore I have to put myself into financial debt and have nothing to show for it. I can't retire or have anything for myself. I've seen this happen so many times. No vacation for me, no medical care for me; run down car and torn clothes for me cause all my money has to pay for our bills cause SO can't contribute, for all his money has to pay for the kids cause his babymama is taking him to the cleaners for the kids.
Just too many issues for me, and I honestly don't want kids in my life. I don't like doing household chores as it is, and being a woman I already feel I get stuck with the majority of it anyway - I have no interest in taking on more cooking, cleaning, and laundry. When I come home from a long day at work, I don't want to give baths, clean up after other people, help with homework. I don't want to become a SAHM, either. I guess if I wanted to just date around, it wouldn't matter, but I don't see the point in starting something if you know it won't go anywhere, it's not fair to lead someone on.
Exactly. People with kids bring issues that people without don't. I have seen so many situations like you mention where the new spouse is paying all the bills because the parent is spending all their money on the kids and the ex. I even know of situations where child support and alimony increased due to the new spouse making good money. There have even been cases where the new spouse ends up paying for child support and alimony because the parent lost their job. I see nothing worthwhile in these relationships and yep every single one where a parent married a non married either resulted in divorce (these marriage have extremely high rates of divorce)or just miserable. I know of many non parents who have gone to court with the parent or even had to help them with the kids.
Why are kids a deal-breaker for you? I notice this more with men who won't date single mothers, although it can happen with women not dating single dads as well. Is it because the kids themselves drive you nuts and you don't like having them around? Or is it for financial reasons, because you fear that your significant other would guilt you into helping financially support a kid who is not yours? Or is there some other reason i have not thought of?
Think of it this way. In Door 1, you have a 24 year old single mother with 3 kids from different fathers, she has a good sense of humour, she cooks, pays her own way and studies. In Door 2, you have a 24 year old who is just single with no children, she has a good sense of humour, she cooks, pays her own way and studies. There is no reason for a guy to ever chose Door number 1 period...
This, exactly this. The woman I was dating some time ago called me and (thinking things might have changed, like a fool) we started spending time together. A few weeks went by and her b-day was coming up. I wanted to do something special for her so I called ahead about a week in advance to a restaurant and reserved a table for us. Her b-day came and we were supposed to be there at 6pm. I got to her place a few hours early and what followed was hours upon house of whining by her child who once again attempted to make everything about him - demanding it was his day, demanding he get a present on her birthday, whining about the restaurant not having his favorite food (top a ramen and mac and cheese), physically attacking her when she asked him repeatedly get his shoes on & raising a hand at me when I asked him to be nice for his mom's birthday. I tried to bear with it for a few days but finally had enough of the situation. I was in love with her and still have feelings for her, but she's set in her ways and will likely never change. That combined with the ex-husband not wanting to be a father proved too much to deal with. Edit: her son pulled this kind of thing everyday, not just on her birthday.
Exactly. I had plans with a single parent once, but the kid "didn't feel like it" at the last minute. I stood awkwardly in the toy aisle for THIRTY MINUTES while this parent tried to "Bargain" with the kid about why he couldn't have the toy. Ended up giving in. The kid was a brat who knew how to get his way. Every outing was a huge disaster, an event that was so exhausting. We never got to do anything we planned, it was always a meltdown of yelling and fighting in public. Like the other poster said... you have 2 people to choose from... same age, both intelligent, fun, etc... one has a kid like this situation, the other doesn't. What are you going to choose?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Idon'tdateyou
Exactly. People with kids bring issues that people without don't. I have seen so many situations like you mention where the new spouse is paying all the bills because the parent is spending all their money on the kids and the ex. I even know of situations where child support and alimony increased due to the new spouse making good money. There have even been cases where the new spouse ends up paying for child support and alimony because the parent lost their job. I see nothing worthwhile in these relationships and yep every single one where a parent married a non married either resulted in divorce (these marriage have extremely high rates of divorce)or just miserable. I know of many non parents who have gone to court with the parent or even had to help them with the kids.
That's insane. I can't imagine being in that situation, I know love is important but to choose such a difficult life for love is unfathomable to me. I can't imagine working everyday to pay for someone elses kids, but esp not for someone elses alimony/wife? NO WAY.
And while some parents might say "it's just a date" and it's not like you are getting involved, I really don't see the point of just "dating around" because what happens if you do get attached or someone gets serious and it gets down that road? I see no point in even starting with a single parent if you KNOW without a doubt that's what you do not want.
My sibling was in this situation. She ended up not putting her spouses name on stuff just so his former wife couldn't take her income. They did live very tight for so long because most of his money had to go to child support. Therefore, their life together, he couldn't contribute much.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mghow
Think of it this way. In Door 1, you have a 24 year old single mother with 3 kids from different fathers, she has a good sense of humour, she cooks, pays her own way and studies. In Door 2, you have a 24 year old who is just single with no children, she has a good sense of humour, she cooks, pays her own way and studies. There is no reason for a guy to ever chose Door number 1 period...
This is how I see it. I never had to settle, I never had a problem finding guys without children, or even divorced. I've never dated a divorced man or parent.
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