Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
here it goes this is VERY long but thanks for reading,
my husband and i do not get along. its been like this for a long time. he has ways about him that i dont like. these ways werent around when i married him. hes been deployed many many times and had numerous training deployments and everytime he comes back from a deployment his attitude is more sour, he cares less about everyday things and he has just changed the quality of life in the house. he has this negative energy that he releases in the air it seems..
then in december around christmas 2012 his father died. he was close wih his dad, and they talked alot. since his fathers death, my husband has been acting worse. saying actual statements like "he has nothing to live for" and other stuff of that nature.
before his father died and for many years, him and his mom did not have a close relationship. his mother didnt like that we were engaged at the time and she has pushed me downstairs one time when me and my husband were walking down the stairs. and she has flung objects at me within close range. her reasoning and myhusbands fathers reasoning for all this was because she didnt know me and i was marrying their son. he had briefly dated someone that was a family friend and they were hoping for a marriage between him and that girl because she was going to be a doctor and the mom thought that wouldve been better for him. and what was really crazy was that there was never an argument right before she did these things to me. she just did them. my husband knew what she was doing to me then, as he witnessed her many outbursts towards me but now he says, he was looking the other way or he was distracted so theres no telling if his little old mom couldve done that. um... his mom was like 55 at the time. definitly not old ..or little. she flung a ceramic baking pan at me in front of him and i ducked and it hit the wall he told her that if she kept doing mean things to me she would never see her grandchildren when we have them. she never said sorry but he forgave her and her antics still kept going on..spiteful ways , stealing, lying etc, that woman is like a walking lifetime movie waiting to be filmed.
well obviously i didnt want to have any relationship with his parents and especially his mom. i got sick of my husband never defending me or defending me for a day and then letting the nonsense continue by acting like nothing happened. but he would just say for me to deal with it and be the better person that he expects more from me. blah blah blah. his mom is spiteful. when i had my children i sent them pictures and she said ,,, " they look NOTHING like MY son." when i told her i was pregnant, she said "oh congratulations! are u sure u wanna go thru with this? ure gonna get fat and morning sickness is just terrible" my husband would tell me that he has no control over what his mom says. THE PROBLEM IS, HE NEVER CONFRONTS his FAMILY AND EXPECTS ME TO BE QUIET AND LET IT GO- ALL THE TIME! im tired of him telling me "its water under the bridge"
and like i said this pattern continued and yes im stupid for letting it. i just keep her out of my life the best i can. shes not allowed to visit me at all. she hasnt met my children and i think its better this way due to her violent episodes.
anyways now with my husbands father being deceased, my husband has been talking to his mom everyday. i dont like that he talks to her given her history with myself and him but i cant tell him who to talk to i only tell him that i dont like it. but i do mind that hes become more distant between me and our kids. for example, he usually calls me on his lunchbreak but he hasnt anymore, his reasoning is he was talking to his mom and then got lunch. ok fine. he comes home from work and there i am to greet him at the door and there he is talking to his mom. i leave to go to the store and i try calling him or texting him if he wants something from outside..and i cant get thru because he was on the phone with his mom and didnt notice the text or had the phone down when my call was coming in. when im sick with a cold he thinks im faking it or says ill be fine in a couple of days. his mom has a cough and hes calling her thru out the day to check on her. if i think i witnessed paranormal activity ( lol) , he says oh please thats not real but if his mom does, then hes a believer.
since his father died on the 12/22, he wanted to go up to see his mom and sister. that i totally understand. but they told him and i even told him that they wont be able to do anything with funeral arrangemnts until the day after christmas because it was a weekend and with christmas nearby. so on christmas eve he had a nasty "i dont-want-to-be-home-attitude" and on christmas morning, my husband didnt take any joy in watching the twins open up their presents.. instead he sat on the couch looking at his watch and had a pissed off look on his face and i said whats the matter and he said "i dont want to be here" hes been deployed so much and missed many holidays that it bothered me when he said that. On christmas day, he tld one of my daughters tht santa claus wasnt real. shes a toddler. i went thru alot of books and cartoons to show her that santa is real ::wink wink::
so my husband left to see his mom and sister and finish the funeral arrangements. he left me alone on new years with the kids. ok fine. he calls me when the ball drops and his mother is telling him that she needs his help with something and he had to go. wth?! there she goes being spiteful,,as she has a history of doing or saying anything she can to spoil a moment. but i blame him cuz he couldve said wait mom or give me a few minutes mom which he didnt.
anyways, my husband has become so rotten. my husband is going to be stationed alot further from home and we wont see him as much. hes getting an extended vacation because of the fact hes changing duty stations. he and i had spoke about getting some home improvemnt projects done. now he tells me that during that vacation, he isnt gonna help me with any of that because his mom needs help. and he could care less about the house because his mom comes first. his mom, his mom, his mom. im so sick of it AND her. i tell him this and he just says that there is nothing that he can do that she is his mom and he knows her longer than me and that she raised him and she will always come first and now that his father died she needs him.
and its true,, he means that. ive been sick with a terrible cold for the last week and so has the girls we are still sick but he hasnt once called us during the day to see how we are doing. my grandfather who i was very close with died on the same day of my husbands mother and fathers wedding anniversary. my husband didnt call me to see how i was doing that day but he called his mom instead.she has never wished us a happy wedding anniversary in her lifetime so why my husband acknowledges her anniversary is beyond me. i understand its the moms first anniversary without her husband and its sad. later that day i asked my husband why he didnt call me as well. i was was sick here with the kids and it was the date of my grandfathers death and he said " u will get over a cold and ure grandfather has been dead for a few years already, my mom needs me"
his sister i dont even speak to anymore, something is wrong with her. when i met her, i noticed her room had pictures of her brother all over the place. on the night table, on the walls, in her closet it was borderline obsession. a long time ago, when we were first married i think like a month into our marriage, we were visiting and we had come back from the restaurant and she ran up to my husband and said "i missed u!" and jumped on him with her legs around his waist and wrapped her arms around his neck and then he fell to the floor. at that moment my husband was on his back and she was straddled on top of him. i felt like at that moment there was something REALLY wrong with his sister. the pictures all over, her need to make him happy with gifts and now i was watching her straddled on top of him. he was like wth r u doing? she got all red in her face and went to her room. his sister was an adult when that happened. its funny that she missed him when we had only left for 2-3 hours. i tried to be cool with her but shes got some major issues..
when we found out we were expecting, he called his parents becausehe wanted to tell them the great news. before we can even open our mouths, his parents told us that the sister was getting married. so when we told our news they were congratulating him and everything. his sister gets on the phone in a very mean tone told my husband, " u always have to one-up me, dont u?" and they havent had a relationship since. shes never called me or anything after that never asks for the kids or anything.
now since his fathers death hes putting his mom and his sister as a priority in his life and placing me and our kids last on the list. he has even talked about changing his will and that any money would then go to a charity instead. a charity that meant a good deal to his father. i am worried about that as i am a housewife and a stay at home mom. he is not thinking clearly and when i said why would u leave nothing for your kids, he said "there are govt programs that can help them and u. i want to donate to a charity that my father wouldve liked". im not saying donating is bad but donating everything when u have kids? it just doesnt seem rite to me.
one nite when i was pregnant, my husband had been visiting his parents and i was trying to call him and i couldnt get thru so i called the parents house and the father said that my husband was downstairs with the neighbor in her apartment. something that my husband adamently denied the next day when i finally got in touch with him. he said he didnt know why his father said that but wouldnt ask his dad why that was said to me. husband told me to just leave it alone. thats a whole other story but my husbands reasoning was he didnt want his dad and him to have an argument if he had asked his dad. but it was ok to have me feeling like he cheated on me and leave me thinking that he jeopardized our marriage. maybe the father did it for spite but my husband gave me severeal different versions of the story. i recently came to the realization that it was a pointless battle to keep fighting. i know he cheated on me and im the idiot that tried to think that he would never do that. the problem is people do surprise u. theres no relationship with me and him. theres no trust no love no respect. i guess we are together because its a wierdly uncomfortable situation that got too comfortable.
im only human why does my husband always say "i expect more from u". blah blah blah.. its very hard to take this all in. and then when i try to sit down and talk to him he has no recollection of saying half the things he said. is this like PTSD or something like multiple personality disorder? he has so many sides to him that im just exhausted. how do u try to get someone to get help in a situation like this and am i oveerreacting about his mom being first?
has anybody else ever dealt with a spouse or situation like this? i feel like im in the twilight zone!!
what if your spouse put their parents first.. and u last. how would u feel and what would u do?
Sounds like you married into a lot of dysfunction...only you can make a plan of how you are going to live with that.
However, given the fact that your husband's father died just last month, don't you think it is somewhat normal that he'd be spending more time with his family.
theres no relationship with me and him. theres no trust no love no respect. i guess we are together because its a wierdly uncomfortable situation that got too comfortable.
how would u feel and what would u do?
thanks!
Your marriage is irreconcilably broken. Divorce him. You're wasting your time.
Life is for living, not existing in some self created hell.
ure right betsy84 it is normal for him to talk withhis family more now because of his fathers death but the problem i have is that he is treating me and my kids as if we are at the bottom of the list. hes playing crazy favorites with his mom.. i think i nearly flipped out when he said the violent outbursts may or may not have happened because he may or may not have been looking away so he can never know for sure. thts so false cuz when she thru that baking dish at me, he spoke to her that very nite. so now hes like my poor littte old mother nonsense. and his sister who he hasnt spoken to for a long time is in the picture too now.
sorry im remembering the day before new years eve, he was at his moms house and it was like 1230am and we were talkin and then the phone hangs up. i call back nothin. i txt back nothin then i called a lot of times cuz its unlike him to hang up like that and not call me back. i thought something happened to him. well , he winds up calling me back at almost 3am and says sorry my sister was at the door. i was like um.. is that y u hung up on me? and he said well i didnt know who was at the door. i said yeah but when it was your sister couldnt u have given me a quick call? i thought something happend 2 u. then he said "i wasnt thinking about callin u back. u shouldve just waited for me to call when i had time" and im like so u heard the phone but u didnt answer it because ure sister was there. this is the type of thinking he has that makes me feel like yep, im in the twilite zone!!
ellie, i dont know why i bother either. i think im scared to divorce because there is financial security rite now and being a single mom in this economy is doable but at the same time, its scary. i hate to split up my family but i know that in the long run, its in me and my childrens best interest to leave this jerkoff. also, i love my house and he hates it. he liked it at first but hates it now because of some wierd paranormal-like ocurrences that have been going on.. but i love this house and i wouldnt want to have to get rid of it because of a divorce. plus since his career has him never being home, i feel like when he is home i tell myself " just put up with his bs because he will be leaving next month"
Djuna, "life is for living, not existing in some self created hell." <<<<----- thats was an awesome analogy! i will def be saying that back to myself because this is how i feel lately. i feel like this marriage sucks, life with him is miserable and sometimes i really feel like im not living, but that im just existing. i have alot of stress because i feel like time is going by so fast and im not doing anything but letting it fly away.
rockjock1729 i dont even know the point of stickin around in this marriage. its that wierd uncomfortableness that became to comfortable plus the other reasons like financial factors, possesions of things. he would try to take everything away from me just to spite me and the kids.
Yaz, yes thats me! that whole neighbor thing was a whole other case in itself!. we seperated for like almost a month or so. he was staying at his friends house. but he started acting nice and it was a side of him that i hadnt seen for a really long time so i thought that being apart was what we needed to just "fall back in love" but yeah that didnt last long.
hes honestly only really really nice when he wants sex. so id say before sex hes really nice, during sex, hes constantly complimenting me saying i love you and all that sweet stuff and then the day after hes all nice again but then the day after that he becomes a different person again. its like the jerk personality resurfaces and the cycle continues.
it was time to go a long time ago.<<<-----tru words right there.
If my MIL threw ceramic bakeware at me, she would have woken up the next day with a vague memory and a large lump. I seriously would not put up with that.
I bet the dysfunctional part of your husband that grew up in that household respects her "strength" and despises your "weakness" because your initial reaction was to go to him for help. I know this because I grew up in a crazy, violent household too.
Get out of this whole environment and take your kids with you. No amount of financial security is worth that. Especially when there really IS no financial security. He wants everything in his will to go to a charity? AND he's making suicidal remarks?
thanks but no i wasnt graceful when she thru the ceramic dish at me.. lol it was a more like "wtf r u doing u crazy *****?! then he said why did she do that and i was cursing up a storm and he said he will handle it. i understand what u mean about respecting the strength of one which would be her and the weakness of me because my weakneess is i tolerate it all this bs. the whole thing with the mother was that she and im not saying this because i hate her, she had her husband do everything for her.
that woman has about as much strength a floating feather. she doesnt know how to write a check, pay a bill, or anything like that. she doesnt know how to put on makeup cuz she never wore any. she never dyed her hair either. the father once told me a story about how he has to check her feet because she doesnt like to cut her toenails and that he had to cut them for her because her shoes werent fitting her because her toenails got too long. she only knows how to make store bought foood and heat it up.she never really cooked a meal. watches soap operas all day i dont even know how she raised 2 kids.oh i do , the father did most of the work. so now... with her husband gone, my husbands like oh my poor old mother she needs me. the mother has a daughter who lives not even 20 minuutes away from her and the daughter, my husbands crazy sister, told her that she can stay with her and not pay any rent. but no, shes hinting that she wants to come and live with her wonderful son. and its not happening. lol
his will thing was just recently. he said that, but i dont think he would actually do that to his daughters. hes not in his right mind to leave everything to charity. we are not rich!! at all!!! i could understand some money to charity but not everything! my goodness he has kids. im going to have to keep seeing paperwork that he didnt change anything because like i said i think hes losing his mind!!
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
