Surefire signs there won't be a next date (guy, kids, attractive)
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Another guy, first meet. "I'd love to take you out on my boat, but it's such a hassle. I have to start prepping about 3 hours ahead of time, gas is (X amount), then I have pay someone to wash down the boat afterwards because I just don't feel like doing it. Dinner would just be cheaper."
Ha. To me this falls in to the category of, "things that are totally understandable and normal to think about, but you are an idiot to share with someone until they know you better." Some people just have no social filter.
I did have one guy online tell me he was 55, then when I met him he came out with the truth....he was 67. I was 50 at the time. Anyway, I knew he was older once we met. The age spots on his hands gave him away.
Had a few of those and it drives me nuts when men lie about age. I never lied about anything so why they did made no sense.
To be fair, women do this, too. I don't get it, either. I guess it makes sense if you're looking for a one night stand and look young enough to pull it off, but as a long-term strategy it makes no sense, since you can't have a long close relationship with someone without them eventually learning your age.
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Originally Posted by Idon'tdateyou
Then there were the sex men. I call them this because they only wanted sex and let it be known (after convincing me they wanted more). One guy after meeting said "so wanna go back and f---?". Yep that blunt. Another kept telling me about his tongue and well you can guess where that went. I have no problem with people that just want sex but don't tell women you want a relationship, look for women who want no strings.
Yeah, I think the problem there is that there are women who are looking for no-strings (or at least willing to have no strings) who won't state that on a web site or talk about it in their social groups because of social norms that say women aren't supposed to want that. I've certainly had mutually-agreeable "no-strings" relationships with women who initially said they were looking for serious relationships. It's unfortunate for women like you, though, who are looking for something more and have to waste your time going out with men like that, just because they know that a certain percentage of women will be agreeable to "going back and f**king." At least they let you know when first meeting, rather than trying to mislead you further, but it would be nice if they'd let you know before meeting at all.
It was weird but it helped me realize he was someone I couldn't be with because it would get worse. Earlier in life before this happened I did date two emotionally abusive men who did this (though first date they were lovey dovey)so I am able to see signs pretty quick.
Kudos to you for catching the pattern after two experiences and looking for the signs in the future. Many people repeat that pattern over and over for their entire lives, unfortunately.
To be fair, women do this, too. I don't get it, either. I guess it makes sense if you're looking for a one night stand and look young enough to pull it off, but as a long-term strategy it makes no sense, since you can't have a long close relationship with someone without them eventually learning your age.
I'm sure women do too but I never did and don't understand those who do. It's one thing if the people aren't going to meet but if you are both need to be honest. I've had guys tell me they lied about something at first because they didn't think we would meet but since we are they were honest. I had no issue with this strangely.
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Originally Posted by Plzeň
Yeah, I think the problem there is that there are women who are looking for no-strings (or at least willing to have no strings) who won't state that on a web site or talk about it in their social groups because of social norms that say women aren't supposed to want that. I've certainly had mutually-agreeable "no-strings" relationships with women who initially said they were looking for serious relationships. It's unfortunate for women like you, though, who are looking for something more and have to waste your time going out with men like that, just because they know that a certain percentage of women will be agreeable to "going back and f**king." At least they let you know when first meeting, rather than trying to mislead you further, but it would be nice if they'd let you know before meeting at all.
Some guys after chatting online told me this is what they wanted so I never met them. I think part of it is some sites really are for casual things and even though people want relationships many others assume they don't or are lying. I know on one dating site I found out that this is what most wanted after I posted a profile so I deleted the profile.
Kudos to you for catching the pattern after two experiences and looking for the signs in the future. Many people repeat that pattern over and over for their entire lives, unfortunately.
Sadly it becomes a pattern. I had some doozies both in dating and in relationships in my 20's until about 24 and then I realized that this was silly. Not just being mean but some loser men. After that I became stricter with what I accepted and got better men.
Hah, I had a first date once, way back years and years ago, that went very well, to be followed by a second date that couldn't be described as anything but truly bizarre.
Date one...meet for coffee...guy is charming, fun, chatty, we talk for hours. Of the many things we talk about, he mentions that there are rounds of layoffs going on at his employer, a telecom outfit. He's survived previous rounds, but thinks he might not be so lucky this time. He says he feels okay about it, as it's coinciding with a chance he has to go back to school, and he's thinking of running for local government, as well. Seems really chipper. Cool. At end of date (this was on a Wednesday or similarly midweek), we make plans to meet over the weekend for a dinner date.
Dinner date comes, and I arrive at the restaurant. There is a big thunderstorm going on, heavy rain, and we are each coming from about 30 min. in opposite directions. He is not there yet. This is pre-mainstream cell phone usage days, so I don't call him, I just wait. place has a bar area, so I get a drink at the bar. A half-hour in, I tell myself I'm leaving when it hits the 45 min. mark. He shows up just as I'm gonna call it a night. He has no apology, and is very rude and short with me. Totally different than on previous date. No witty banter, no charm, nothing. He yells at the server, and sends his food back twice, and says he's not going to tip her. Drops the bomb that he got laid off. Says a bunch of insulting things to me, very sarcastic, rude. I paid for my food, and left.
This was probably about twelve-thirteen years ago, and I cannot for the life of me remember that guy's name. Mike, maybe?
I think part of it is some sites really are for casual things and even though people want relationships many others assume they don't or are lying.
Yes, this is true.
There are sites where everyone is upfront about looking for casual sex, but on those sites there are way more men than women, and the attractiveness of the women is often pretty low. That means if you're a guy on those sites you have almost zero chance with any of the attractive women. Smart guys abandon those sites and let the 5,000 dumb guys compete for the 3 hot women in their area. Women who like a lot of attention (and possibly a lot of sex) will use these sites, where they can get quantity over quality.
Then there are sites (most other dating sites, actually) where it's understood that many of the people are looking for casual, but they don't come out and say it. Many higher-quality women looking for casual will use these sites, because they know that's where the higher-quality men are. Also, as I said earlier, they don't want to be on a public website specifically geared toward casual sex, because of social taboos.
Maybe some day we'll live in a world where we can all just come out and say what we want, without being judged for it, but I doubt it.
Sadly it becomes a pattern. I had some doozies both in dating and in relationships in my 20's until about 24 and then I realized that this was silly. Not just being mean but some loser men. After that I became stricter with what I accepted and got better men.
Still, props to you for figuring it out at 24. Some women figure it out at 44 or 54, and some never do.
There are sites where everyone is upfront about looking for casual sex, but on those sites there are way more men than women, and the attractiveness of the women is often pretty low. That means if you're a guy on those sites you have almost zero chance with any of the attractive women. Smart guys abandon those sites and let the 5,000 dumb guys compete for the 3 hot women in their area. Women who like a lot of attention (and possibly a lot of sex) will use these sites, where they can get quantity over quality.
Then there are sites (most other dating sites, actually) where it's understood that many of the people are looking for casual, but they don't come out and say it. Many higher-quality women looking for casual will use these sites, because they know that's where the higher-quality men are. Also, as I said earlier, they don't want to be on a public website specifically geared toward casual sex, because of social taboos.
Maybe some day we'll live in a world where we can all just come out and say what we want, without being judged for it, but I doubt it.
I can't remember what site it was but yes it turned out most were just looking for sex. I didn't know that but after getting several offensive messages and photos I figured it out. These men claimed they were serious about relationships which to me made it worse. I have noticed on the free sites there is a mix but on most the casual people are more than the relationship people. I did meet a guy on POF looking for a relationship but most were not that I chatted with.
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Originally Posted by Plzeň
Still, props to you for figuring it out at 24. Some women figure it out at 44 or 54, and some never do.
Thanks I really grew up once I figured it out. Now I am content being alone instead of in a horrible relationship. Back then I was pressured by a friend to take anything like she did (she dated alcoholic men old enough to be her father and guys without jobs).
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