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Seems to me that most divorces are initiated by women and for selfish and ridiculous reasons. "We've grown apart" or "I just dont love him anymore" or "Im just not happy anymore". All that really means that you have no idea what it takes to be married or how to work things out. Every time your hormones go out of whack isnt a perfect time to drop your husband who has devoted his life to you. On rare occasions, people divorce for the right reasons, like abuse or infidelity, even if infidelity is often used as a tool to get out. People in general bother me with this nonsense. If you are too self serving and selfish to be married, why get maried?
I'm always surprised by these posts that say people (usually it's 'women') initiate divorce because they are 'bored'. Have you seen that happen?
Among folks I know, divorce is generally due to severe issues like abuse and/or addiction, which the person has tried for many years to cope with.
What's your experience?
The people I know divorce mainly for 2 reasons: 1) They expect perfection and for the other person to somehow make their life absolutely awesome 24/7, no exceptions; and, 2) They don't know how to disagree, how to argue. They take disagreements very personally and make it a my way or nothing sort of deal, so arguments turn ugly.
I believe there wasn't a good reason for my divorce and she gave up. She would say it was emotional neglect. That was because of a recession and career stress. Had she stuck around, she would have seen the change she wanted. She didn't and I'm alone and wondering what could have been. I miss being married.
My parents divorced because my mother refused to go back to work after my brother and I were of age, and infidelity.
My coworker divorced because her ex was bi polar and refused help.
My aunt divorced because her husband was an alcoholic and refused help.
My neighbor divorced because of infidelity.
My other coworker divorced because she remarried too quickly after her first divorce and was looking for a band aid. First divorce happened because she was far too young.
I can't really speak for many more people, but these are the people who I am close enough to to where I would know the "real" reasons and not just "we don't get along".
The people I know divorce mainly for 2 reasons: 1) They expect perfection and for the other person to somehow make their life absolutely awesome 24/7, no exceptions; and, 2) They don't know how to disagree, how to argue. They take disagreements very personally and make it a my way or nothing sort of deal, so arguments turn ugly.
You are very intelligent, IMO. This is 100% spot-on!!
You are very intelligent, IMO. This is 100% spot-on!!
Thanks! I think it's all part of the 24/7 narcissistic "me-me-me-and-only-me-I must love myself" philosophy that began in the 70s. The whole society is now narcissistic and is raising its kids like emperors who will grow up with narcissistic personality tendencies, which means they will expect, demand, require, and feel that the rest of the world owes them, and should make them feel absolutely wonderful.
Here are a few excerpts from a really good article that explains the widespread narcissism in the U.S.:
Narcissism, or excessive self-love, is marked by bloated confidence, vanity, materialism, and a lack of consideration for others. Yet narcissistic personality traits have become so pervasive in American culture that they threaten to transform us into a nation of egomaniacs, research psychologists Jean Twenge and W. Keith Campbell say in their new book The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement.
We're constantly being told by talk shows and pop psychology that we need to love ourselves. Is that advice wrong? Having a basic sense of self-worth is a good thing. But when those feelings cross over into narcissism, it becomes toxic for other people, for the society, and for the individual in the long run.
What's fueling the rise in narcissism?
The four causes that we identify in the book are parenting, celebrity culture, media and the Internet, and easy credit. For example, with parenting, in an attempt to raise kids with self-esteem, many parents will tell their kid they're the best ever and they'll treat them like royalty, placing the child at the center of the household. In a limited way, that's fine, but it's often taken too far. When you put a kid on a pedestal, that type of parenting, it's been shown, leads to narcissism.
What's the cure? To promote self-hatred?
People ask us that sometimes. Parents will say, "Oh, do you mean we should start insulting kids?" No. But it's really common for parents to tell children, "You're special." That [promotes] narcissism. That's not [building] self-esteem because being special is being unique and better than other people, and it connotes things like special treatment. I think what parents mean is, "You're special to me." You don't need to tell your kid that they're the best ever, but you can say, "I love you." It's probably what you mean anyway, and it also promotes connection rather than difference and standing out.
In general with kids, place more focus on empathy. While most parents do try to teach their kids to be nice, the overall cultural push is to teach them to succeed and to believe in themselves, instead of teaching empathy for others. We really need to shift that. Ironically, empathy for others will actually help you succeed more than believing in yourself.
Thanks! I think it's all part of the 24/7 narcissistic "me-me-me-and-only-me-I must love myself" philosophy that began in the 70s. The whole society is now narcissistic and is raising its kids like emperors who will grow up with narcissistic personality tendencies, which means they will expect, demand, require, and feel that the rest of the world owes them, and should make them feel absolutely wonderful.
[snip irrelevant stump speech]
Neither my ex nor I, nor anyone else I know who divorced, are narcissists. Only one sibling's ex-husband could possibly fit that category. You'll need a better generalization than that.
Neither my ex nor I, nor anyone else I know who divorced, are narcissists. Only one sibling's ex-husband could possibly fit that category. You'll need a better generalization than that.
So what do you think is the main reason people divorce?
As you know, I think it's that modern malady, the feeling of entitlement - a mutual idea that the other is there to please one, and if it doesn't happen, and things aren't perfect, it's his/her fault.
So what do you think is the main reason people divorce?
As you know, I think it's that modern malady, the feeling of entitlement - a mutual idea that the other is there to please one, and if it doesn't happen, and things aren't perfect, it's his/her fault.
Not me. To me, it's the modern cure for abuse.
Thank God.
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