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I share this to say that giving chances to people you aren't attracted to still doesn't guarantee dating or relationship success. Imagine giving a chance to someone you aren't attracted to and developing feelings for them only for them to still treat you like dirt!
There are no guarantees. It's a free-market, and what's available is only what the market will bear. But chances improve upon making a greater number of attempts, and being more discerning about qualities beyond the merely physical. It would be stupid to completely discount attraction; this is dating, and not a job interview! But there are different kinds of attraction, and some offer more context in which to make predictions about motive and character.
I'd say the overall message is attraction had some wiggle room. It isn't going to hurt to have a conversation or a coffee with someone who you did not have an initial spark with. Something might develop, and nothing might. But taking a few extra minutes isn't a bad thing.
Also, if you aren't attracting the people you want in "short interactions." Work in initiating longer ones. Getting to know people via activities is a way attraction develops, because you get to see them in different scenarios. I dated a guy once that I wasn't initially interested in, and I later spent time with him while he was mentoring some kids. I saw him in a completely different light since I got to see his playful caring side. Which didn't come out at the party I met him at.
I'd say the overall message is attraction had some wiggle room. It isn't going to hurt to have a conversation or a coffee with someone who you did not have an initial spark with. Something might develop, and nothing might. But taking a few extra minutes isn't a bad thing.
Also, if you aren't attracting the people you want in "short interactions." Work in initiating longer ones. Getting to know people via activities is a way attraction develops, because you get to see them in different scenarios. I dated a guy once that I wasn't initially interested in, and I later spent time with him while he was mentoring some kids. I saw him in a completely different light since I got to see his playful caring side. Which didn't come out at the party I met him at.
But for some, the thing is risking leading someone on. Like me, I have had it happen quite a bit where I became attracted to guys I wasn't at first. But I would have to be friends with the guy to see his different sides and personality. So, if we hung out as friends, it's not as bad as going on a date, or something he thinks is a date, then more dates, and his feelings get more attached, and serious while you are still trying to see if you even like him that way. So then if you break it off, it hurts them more, and it's more awkward, and may come off as mean-spirited.
So I am reluctant to date right off the bat. Hanging out as friends, then moving to dating if I spark for him, sure. My ex friend got to do that. She was friends with a guy who liked her for around 2-3 years. Finally she went out with him, because he asked her as a birthday gift for himself. She went on the date, and it all sparked from there, which lead to them dating for the following 4 years now, lost their virginity to each other, and planning to get married eventually when they are both working and secure.
But most guys apparently hate the "friend zone", so they disappear when a woman says the "f" word. lol
My friends can't get women they're attracted to. They told me they will stay single. They'd rather be alone than date a woman they don't like. If they're not attracted to them, you can't crucify them for that. It's either there or it isn't.
Perfectly stated. I can't fathom pursuing someone that I am not, at least somewhat, physically attracted to.
I understand how you feel. I'm a single female, and while I attract very physically attractive men who like me and find me attractive as well, they never want to date me long-term or have a serious relationship. Being physically attractive to the opposite sex is not the problem that I have, but rather finding someone who is attracted to me emotionally. In the past, I've never been able to place my finger on why I can attract men but can't secure a relationship. But after doing much reflection, I think I have an idea now as to why that is.
Anyway...
A lot of my friends suggest that I give chances to men I don't find attractive just so I could have someone. And these aren't simply average-looking guys but guys who are well below average in looks--quite frankly, just plain ugly. Some of my so-called friends have even attempted to set me up with senior citizens.
SERIOUSLY???!!!
I love it how they say that I should give a chance to someone because they are "nice." I'm nice too AND decent-looking, yet that hasn't helped me find a relationship, so why do I have to give a chance to someone I don't like just because they are "nice?!" I've never been given that same concession!
I also don't believe in forcing yourself to like someone you aren't initially attracted to. Sometimes that happens on its own. Sometime it doesn't. Admittedly, I have given chances to men in the past that I wouldn't normally go for physically and grew to like them, and that didn't lead to any meaningful relationships either. And not because I didn't give them a chance, the guys either had issues, started exhibiting stalker behavior when I wouldn't return their phone calls right away or outright harassing me, or they were just as much jerks as the hot guys I normally dated. Hot guys never displayed any stalker-type behaviors with me, but the unattractive ones did.
I care about looks more than many of my friends do. A few of them have even called me superficial. I have a handful of friends who will go out with guys regardless of looks; and still none of those friends have been able to secure a relationship or get married to any of those not-so-hot guys. Disregarding looks has not increased their chances of finding a partner at all. I've watched many of my girlfriends give chances to some really bottom-of-the-barrel guys (I don't mean looks only) who ended up using them, cheating on them or simply telling them that they don't want a commitment. One of my friends dated a guy who was unattractive who also didn't have arms (or rather he had partial limbs). He STILL ended up being a con artist and a player who, despite his handicap was using my friend for money and gifts, along with a bunch of other women simultaneously. He was a real smooth talker who preyed on single, lonely, desperate women.
This idea that not-so-hot guys aren't jerks like hot guys or will treat a woman better is a HUGE misnomer!
I share this to say that giving chances to people you aren't attracted to still doesn't guarantee dating or relationship success. Imagine giving a chance to someone you aren't attracted to and developing feelings for them only for them to still treat you like dirt! It happens all the time. After what I've gone through and what I've seen my friends go through dating unattractive guys, I will never back down from my preferences ever again, as foregoing looks doesn't make any more of a difference.
I say go for what you want. If it doesn't work out, at least you can say you were with someone you found attractive. Now the question is, what is it about you that you aren't attracting anyone? What can you do to make yourself more appealing to the opposite sex? Could you stand to lose a few pounds? Could you use a makeover? A wardrobe update or something?
My situation is kind of like yours.
All the guys that I have liked, a lot of my friends considered out of my league, don't like me back, and guys everyone else considered physically REALLY attractive have liked me a lot, I don't like them. I honestly don't believe in leagues. I think the whole concept is shallow and misguided. I don't believe in forcing yourself to like someone either. It's nothing but a facade and sets the person up for hurt.
I mean seriously, I don't believe anyone would feel very good about themselves if they knew that the person they are with is only with them out of pity or believe they can't get anything better. I honestly would rather be alone. With love and romance, the heart wants what the heart wants. You really can't change or adjust that. I believe in accepting people's faults but if their faults or their short comings are too much then that person is obviously not for you.
I don't believe anyone is any better than anyone else in terms of physical beauty because it fades overtime. I just want to be able to feel something for that person rather than nothing at all and I just start to date them. It just seems people really have no patience and guys dread the friendzone and blah blah. I would rather be friends first rather than date right off the bat, and it turns out I don't like him at all and he gets his feelings hurt. I believe most of the best relationships start out as friendships.
Nooooooooo...never drop your standards! It's not fair to that other person for one. you will eventually find someone. Have you ever thought about someone with a balance-what I mean is someone who is "decent looking" but also has other things to attract you, going for themselves (hygiene, attitude, goals, etc)?
You make it sound like you couldn't find your favorite scotch in the liquor store so you want to know if it's okay to just buy some rot gut.
Come on now.
lmao!
I am guessing perhaps the OPs question is more along the lines of... if you can't get anyone you're intensely attracted to should you go after people you find neutral/average - i.e. neither that attractive nor unattractive, IF there are other non-physical attributes that attract you to that person...
I'm just guessing that is what the OP meant.
My observation is that it happens all the time... sometimes there are attributes that aren't physical that tip the scale. I would never be with someone I found *unattractive* but if I found them average and I was very attracted to their personality then I would still go for it.
Conversly if I was very physically attracted to a woman and she was a total ***** then I would drop her like a hat, some women think that just because they are beautiful/hot nothing else counts and they can get any man...that is nonsense.
I would never be with a woman that I wasn't attracted to. That said, we all have different criteria of what attracts us. For me it's a sense of humor, a pretty smile and someone who is not obese. The one thing I have learned is that there is a time to move on and cut your losses, but I still would not be with someone I wasn't attracted to... It just doesn't work.
I would rather be alone than be with a woman I feel no attraction towards. If I am going to settle it would be to be platonic friends with a woman I want a relationship. I would rather go out to lunch with a woman i have attraction towards than do anything romantic, including having sex, with a woman I feel nothing towards.
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