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Not worth the effort since 90% of women are awful in bed.
It's still worth the effort because some can learn to be very good in bed, but if you're awful, they have no motivation. Then if they won't or can't learn, find another.
I'm not sure all that's required to be a good lover can be learned. The men I've felt were poor lovers, it was mainly that they lacked the perceptiveness to tell what was working and what wasn't, and even more so, couldn't adjust what wasn't. One past lover, he would touch me so hard during foreplay that it actually hurt....I started off just whispering "softer" to him, but he didn't change anything....then I tried taking his hand and "operating" it the way I liked, but again he just didn't seem to get it. Then I finally had to stop him and tell him outright he was hurting me and he needed to be more gentle...so it got more gentle for about 20 seconds, then right back to pain! When I stopped him again, he got defensive and insisted his last gf liked it that way. It was like THAT was his method, and he wasn't changing it.
The best lovers know everyone is different, and can adjust their "methods" for the person they are with. I know I can tell when a guy really likes something I'm doing, and when he doesn't, and I can easily adjust. Being perceptive to me is the most important quality in being a good lover, and it is not something that can be taught.
@ocnjgirl: Oh, I so much agree with you that perceptivness and willingness to adapt are key!
Surprisingly, these are skills that can be learned, if the person is willing to learn.
Some people might be more comfortable learning them in bed, from a partner, but clearly that wasn't the case for your guy. Others might be more open to learning the skills in a nonsexual context such as an improvisational dance class, or in a sensual-but-not-sexual context such as a tantra class.
But willingness is an issue, because there is usually a lot of fear involved. Not being aware of how he is touching you has a function -- it also keeps him from being aware of his own emotions, including painful ones. If he starts to become a better lover, he will also start to feel some of that stuff. And, unconsciously, he knew that. It's sad .
Experience! The sexual response of women varies widely. Nothing from a book, website, or class is going to be worth 1/10th as much as experiencing a variety of women, and (most importantly) learning what the partner you're with likes. Of course, that means she needs to be in-touch enough with her own sexuality to know what works for her and to be able to communicate it to you. This is why I like experienced women. As others have said here, it's about enjoying the moment of the person you are with and having fun, not "studying." This isn't calculus.
Interesting thread. I'd like to point out that I think some of the responses themselves show who cares about being good lovers. When learning how to be good at anything, blaming anyone, or anything other than yourself means you're not willing to learn, and you care more about saving face than becoming good.
The thing that stood out for me in the responses to those threads was how relatively rare men who are good in bed are. Why don't more men work on this skill? Do they think it can only be learned IN bed? Do they think women are so different that no skills are transferable? Or do they think porn is a good source? (That would explain a lot....)
Guys here, where do you learn? What non-porn websites have been useful? Do you take tantra and body awareness workshops alone? If not, why not?
I don't get why this is entirely the mans problem. Shouldn't the woman be "good" too?
I don't get why this is entirely the mans problem. Shouldn't the woman be "good" too?
Of course they should, who said they shouldn't? I do want to point out though that bringing a woman to climax is much more dependent on the "skills" a man has than a woman bringing her partner to climax, as men really don't need as much help or for everything to be "just right" to reach orgasm while women generally do.
I'm sorry to break it to you, since you are obviously desperate to believe this, but if you read the OP carefully you will see that this thread is connected to other threads. And if you read this thread, you will discover that I think women should put out just as much effort, and do just as much learning, as men.
But I expect you will find it more fun to cling to your women-hating ways. Way more fun than having awesome sex with women who know you adore them.
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It was like THAT was his method, and he wasn't changing it.
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