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Thanks for more posts you all and I want to say thanks again for everyones advice, good or bad.
Yesterday, she came over and could tell that I've been pretty stressed about things. I feel like everything that was said in the conversation was genuine.
She told me that she was sorry she got upset when I was asking her those things and understands why I would. She had some tears in her eyes and told me I'm the most attractive person she's ever met and that she loves me more than anything. She looked me in the eye and said she just has never been a real sexual person, ever. I told her I felt bad for feeling like I pressured her or her beliefs of doing that before marriage and she told me not to bc she likes being close to me. She said she wishes she could be pure for me, and I told her that makes no difference in my mind of how I feel about her. We were both very honest and it was a great relief. I felt like we both understood things better. She even asked if I wanted to go to couples counseling.
I've had a lot going on in my life lately as well and feel I need to get some things organized, she knows this. So, I told her that I needed some time to think and clear my head bc I've just been a overwhelmed by everything. I also think it'd be good for her so we can both kind of breathe and refocus. She asked how long and I said just for the wkend and til Christmas. She was very understanding and loving telling me that she would give me whatever I need.
I don't want her to think I'm leaving her by saying this and that I truly do need some time to just clear my head of all the stuff going on right now.
Some of us will still be hanging around here, armchair-managing everyone else's love-life.
(can I just say, I'm not buying it. She can look in your eyes and say whatever she thinks will work to get you back in her sphere of influence, but the behavior is just....abusive. I sense that you are buying it, and you are the only one who can decide what to do. Please understand that we all wish you well, and even if you marry this girl, we will wish you well)
We're in our mid-twenties and been together a little over a year now. She's absolutely beautiful and the sweetest girl I've met. She's everything I want in a wife except one thing... Ever since I first kissed her, I noticed she was awkward. Anything intimately she has seemed that way too. I don't know how to describe it other than that I feel like she's just not giving herself 100% to me and letting herself go.
I've tried talking to her several times, as patiently and caring as possible but I don't think I'm making sense to her. She has told me she's not sexual, that she's upset she's having sex before marriage, etc. I treat her great and we have a lot of fun together. Lately, she's been a little pushy about marriage and she says she's ready and it hurts her feelings I don't feel the same. She asked my fears and I told her besides the fact I'm just not ready (due to finances and my living situation), I want to continue working on our intimate life bc I'm afraid of us getting married and losing our sex life. I also asked her why the rush and told her I love her and just want to enjoy every second we're together now. She was upset by this for some reason.
As for the passion thing which is the biggest thing holding me back, I just feel like I can't grab her and get that intimate connection I crave. It's weird- I can feel my passion for her wanting to let loose, but it then feels shut down when it meets where hers should be. It just becomes awkward and a turn-off. It scares the hell out of me bc I care for her so much.
Before us, she had 2 relationships- one for 5 years high school bf who she did nothing sexual with. The other, the guy who took her virginity and her only other partner, she was with for 2 years and he treated her horribly and ran her into the ground; emotionally abused her and said a lot of bad things about her body. She once told me that with him is was lustful and she wishes she could've waited for me bc it feels like true love. It feels like that but why doesn't she feel and act as I feel when we touch and want sex more? I feel often as though she doesn't desire me at all and when she referred to her ex as lustful, that made me think "am I not attractive or something". She says her sex drive has always been that way though. I can't help but beat myself up thinking it's something I'm doing wrong. I've never had this much insecurity, but it's being brought up bc of this lack of passion and feeling desired.
I've tried asking her if maybe she's got some bad feelings about sex bc of the ex and she says no and that she's so glad that's over.
I'm being patient as I can be but it really throws a curve ball in there when she starts pressing marriage. What is going on and what can I do? I honestly feel like she just doesn't know what she's doing and doesn't know what passion is or how to let herself feel it... it's like there's a block there. Getting sex with your girlfriend of a year very rarely or getting shutdown often really starts to make one feel depressed after a while. It's like you feel as if you can't be yourself in that aspect.
I appreciate any insight or advice on what to do with this current situation. I want to make it work. I feel as if I open this door to being comfortable for her, things will be awesome.
She sounds like a decent person and being abused made her lose faith in men. You have to be patient with her and if you feel frustrated, find someone who is not decent and will settle for anything.
I give her credit. She is looking for the right person who just doesn't want to use her.
You have gold and aren't satisfied with it so settle down with a less valuable.
Ventura
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