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We're in our mid-twenties and been together a little over a year now. She's absolutely beautiful and the sweetest girl I've met. She's everything I want in a wife except one thing... Ever since I first kissed her, I noticed she was awkward. Anything intimately she has seemed that way too. I don't know how to describe it other than that I feel like she's just not giving herself 100% to me and letting herself go.
I've tried talking to her several times, as patiently and caring as possible but I don't think I'm making sense to her. She has told me she's not sexual, that she's upset she's having sex before marriage, etc. I treat her great and we have a lot of fun together. Lately, she's been a little pushy about marriage and she says she's ready and it hurts her feelings I don't feel the same. She asked my fears and I told her besides the fact I'm just not ready (due to finances and my living situation), I want to continue working on our intimate life bc I'm afraid of us getting married and losing our sex life. I also asked her why the rush and told her I love her and just want to enjoy every second we're together now. She was upset by this for some reason.
As for the passion thing which is the biggest thing holding me back, I just feel like I can't grab her and get that intimate connection I crave. It's weird- I can feel my passion for her wanting to let loose, but it then feels shut down when it meets where hers should be. It just becomes awkward and a turn-off. It scares the hell out of me bc I care for her so much.
Before us, she had 2 relationships- one for 5 years high school bf who she did nothing sexual with. The other, the guy who took her virginity and her only other partner, she was with for 2 years and he treated her horribly and ran her into the ground; emotionally abused her and said a lot of bad things about her body. She once told me that with him is was lustful and she wishes she could've waited for me bc it feels like true love. It feels like that but why doesn't she feel and act as I feel when we touch and want sex more? I feel often as though she doesn't desire me at all and when she referred to her ex as lustful, that made me think "am I not attractive or something". She says her sex drive has always been that way though. I can't help but beat myself up thinking it's something I'm doing wrong. I've never had this much insecurity, but it's being brought up bc of this lack of passion and feeling desired.
I've tried asking her if maybe she's got some bad feelings about sex bc of the ex and she says no and that she's so glad that's over.
I'm being patient as I can be but it really throws a curve ball in there when she starts pressing marriage. What is going on and what can I do? I honestly feel like she just doesn't know what she's doing and doesn't know what passion is or how to let herself feel it... it's like there's a block there. Getting sex with your girlfriend of a year very rarely or getting shutdown often really starts to make one feel depressed after a while. It's like you feel as if you can't be yourself in that aspect.
I appreciate any insight or advice on what to do with this current situation. I want to make it work. I feel as if I open this door to being comfortable for her, things will be awesome.
You both should see a respected sex therapist. They are very good. It should help big time.
This, plus the fact that when you bared your soul and tried to discuss the main issue, she kicked you in the groin (figuratively speaking). She has NO CLUE how communication in a relationship should work. And she's mean and thoughtlessly cruel. Think:
Do you REALLY want to marry a woman who a) thinks sex is dirty, b) has NO communication skills, especially in relation to core relationship issues, c) has unresolved sexual trauma, d) has religious baggage, and e) may not be being honest with you about how she feels, i.e. lies to you to get by?
Wow, she must REALLY be nice to look at if you're clinging to her in spite of all this major stuff. I can't imagine why else you'd want to stick it out any longer, even after people here have pointed all this out to you.
I agree with you, but I also think that questioning her about her past sexual relationship with an ex-boyfriend is inappropriate. He is/was pushing to want to know about her "lustful feelings" and keeps focusing on and wanting to know how he compares to the ex, why she did previous sexual things, why she won't now. I don't think he's entitled to know all of that, and if I was being grilled, I'd probably shut down communication too.
This relationship simply needs to end, chalk it up to a mismatch on a variety of levels, move on, and ideally each spend time figuring themselves out before inflicting their issues onto new people.
I def don't want to make any of those mistakes. Everyone has proven their points and I don't mean to be hard headed, it just honestly hard to read some of the stuff.
I was thinking of something interesting earlier and this may have been my problem all along and I'm putting it off on her to some degree. This doesn't excuse that she does have some hand-ups but let me explain. I had a relationship end close to 3 months before meeting her- it was around 7 months long and it was a very physical relationship and the physical chemistry was the most I've ever felt. However, we had none of the important things in common and it was long distance so it had to end. She also had some mental health issues and became depressed and lost her sex drive, slept all day, etc. I in some way beat myself up thinking it was my fault or maybe she wasn't into me anymore but soon realized she actually had depression and other issues. The sex with her was amazing and she made me feel good about myself in that regard and desired.
I'm not sure if maybe my fear of not being attractive is resurfacing and I'm worried about getting hurt/trusting. Also, it's hard to go to the exact opposite of that relationship where I have a girlfriend I love truly but the physical side is not there as much. I was very paranoid in the beginning of this relationship bc I didn't feel those fireworks as I did with my ex and that I might be In a rebound. However, I know I'm over my ex. I know the sex was good but it'd never work. Could it be that it is me that hasn't felt the passion all along and I go accustomed to the sort with my ex? Could it be that my gf actually does feel this for me and shows it in the most sexually possible way she can bc of her experience? My girlfriend does love everything about me I know by the way she looks at me and smiles and tells me she loves me all the time. However, I've found myself annoyed by some of her immaturity often throughout the relationship. I've rationalized it by thinking part of being a good bf is listening even when it's hard. Maybe I've just been turned off by her a lot all this time and now I'm looking for a reason to blame her instead of taking responsibility for the fact that maybe I never felt what she has in that department. I also recall early on that she didn't know how to kiss at all and it drove me nuts for a while. She's gotten better since bc I've been patient and she's caught on better
I've been keeping my distance from my gf while I sort this stuff out and decide on how I'm going to go about it. She needs time to process things also.
I think you're reading too much into it. You are more physical than your girlfriend. You have two choices: stay with her and sacrifice regular deep physical intimacy (because that will never happen with her), or move on, be temporarily heartbroken, then find someone who matches you intimately and sexually. Don't down play this issue, its important, and it wont vanish if you marry her.
I think you're reading too much into it. You are more physical than your girlfriend. You have two choices: stay with her and sacrifice regular deep physical intimacy (because that will never happen with her), or move on, be temporarily heartbroken, then find someone who matches you intimately and sexually. Don't down play this issue, its important, and it wont vanish if you marry her.
I think this is the best way to look at it. From the get-go I have read too much into everything when the fact is shes just not as physical as I am. I've transformed that to take it personally instead of just facing the truth. I feel like I've probably made her more insecure with all of this bc for whatever reason that's just how she is and she has been honest the whole time saying shes just not sexual.
I agree with you, but I also think that questioning her about her past sexual relationship with an ex-boyfriend is inappropriate. He is/was pushing to want to know about her "lustful feelings" and keeps focusing on and wanting to know how he compares to the ex, why she did previous sexual things, why she won't now. I don't think he's entitled to know all of that, and if I was being grilled, I'd probably shut down communication too.
I agree. While I think this relationship may be a no-go for other reasons, I don't think it's healthy to delve into a detailed history of a partner's sexual past. Some things should remain in the past and are simply no one else's business... even a partner you deeply care for. Airing that particular "truth" often does no good and a lot of harm, and OP pressing for more information is both harmful to his GF and just hurting himself as well as he keeps trying to compare. Best just to leave it in the past.
If you both want this to work you need to get into counseling ASAP.
You SHOULDN'T marry anyone with whom you have sexual incompatibility. Right now you shouldn't marry her AND she shouldn't want to marry you.
I'm not sure why you are getting made out as a bad guy, and granted I only read the first 5 pages or so, but getting married is more likely to get you a life of dry sex and not an uninhibited bride.
Work through these issues, with a professional, before making it official. I do think pressuring for marriage after only a year is unwise. That's way to soon IMO.
I wish you guys the best.
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How rude and insensitive you sound! Some of you guys can't wait to hear OP broke up with her. Human beings are complicated. Relationships take work. OP says he really cares for her. If they get counseling, which is what mature people who care for each other do, it will help him decide if they can have a future together. Otherwise, I see him telling her in a kind and considerate way that the continuation of the relationship is not wise. Good luck to you.
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