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I know very few single women older than 50 who want to remarry. They realize that doing so could be synonymous with singing up to be a nurse in a few years. In fact, my sister, who is 57, went on a date with a man not long ago, and when he told her he had diabetes and MS, all she could think was, "And I'm the one who is going to be changing the diapers in a few years."
It sounds cold and harsh, but it's the truth. Likewise, it's the truth that if the situation were reversed, divorce is more likely when it's the wife who is ill. So in practical terms, it's just not worth it to a lot of women to invest themselves that way.
I'm 47, been divorced for nine years, had a 7-year relationship after that. I'll say here what I told my last SO: Marriage is not a goal of mine. I'm not ruling out, but it's not on my agenda as something I'm deliberately looking for.
For me to marry again, there would have to be a certain practicality to it: The man would have to be neat or we would have to have the resources to pay a housekeeper. He would also have to be willing and able to cook so that I'm not doing all the cooking. It would also have to be a big-arse house that we live in, where we can escape to opposite ends of it should we feel the need to be alone. If he snores, he needs to be okay with having another bedroom that I can go to when he wakes me up. If he is not in absolutely stellar shape, he would probably also have to be younger, because I don't want to be a nurse.
Basically, there must not be any additional labor on my part. I don't care how much I love a man. If I am working and doing second shift running a household, or seeing evidence of living with a slob at every turn (mildewy towels, piles of junk, clutter, whiskers in the sink, pee on the toilet rim), I will resent him for it, for disrespecting the home where I live, too, and for treating me like hired help or an indentured servant. Any man who marries me needs to know that he will not be getting a cook, maid, nurse, or babysitter. He'll be getting a companion and a wife. That's it.
You forced a memory to come back....
I remember walking thru the house with an arm full of laundry thinking to myself, "my God, I'm so unhappy, I feel so alone, and I could be living alone and not miss any of this". Of course it was terrible, horrible leaving, I ran around feeling so alone for such a long time and ran out trying the dating scene for a while, (bad mistake) and then, started reaching out to the only person who was going to care for me, and that was "me". Now, if I were younger, I'd know what to look for, b/c I know and like me...am confident, and know what I need and want. Before I didn't and chose the first candidate that came along....(ugh)
I think we should all encourage our kids to know how we feel and how important it is to be mentally compatible and look for someone who will be a companion and what all the wrong reasons are to get married.
i was horribly lonely in my marriage. When the counselor asked me what I am scared about by leaving him I said I am scared of being alone and getting old alone. He said "didn't you just say he is never home anyway (deployments) and when he is home he is mentally absent and you feel so lonely? Again, what are you scared of?".
I really don't miss the bad surprises when looking at our bank account. I have less income now being single but more money on my account because Mr. Shopping Addict is no longer on my account.
I am so much more peaceful.
The house looks clean. No messes. No dumb excuses for not doing anything useful around at home. Stuff gets done. No more discussing and explaining that men have chores at home, too. No more begging for bad sex.
I can eat at midnight if I feel like it and watch my car shows for hours without complaints. No discussions about chips crumbs in the bed.
I laid it out in an earlier thread that many (possibly even most) women have had it up to their ears after 2-3 bad marriages (even good ones) and they hit middle age when the kids are grown and out of the house: they're sick and tired of being babysitters to their husbands--cooking, cleaning, picking up after him, babying him, etc. They just want to dump the relationship and find some women friends to hang out with.
The big secret is that after 40 or so when a woman is in menopause they don't need a man anymore; he's too big a pain in the rump; they want to be free of the burdens and live for themselves in what time they have left. Husbands after 40 desperately want to hang onto their wives while they secretly play around with the secretary. To have to get a divorce and break that stable relationship is not only a hit financially but also emotionally of sorts in that even though they don't really love their wives romantically anymore (and the wives sense this) they still like the idea of having someone to come home to who has a hot meal waiting for him, a body to keep him warm at night, someone to be there if he has a heart attack, etc. basically just an accessory.
Bottom line: by the time middle age rolls around, men need a woman 1000x's more than a woman needs a man. hence, women like the OP who says she's wants out.
Quote:
I said to myself, "What the heck and I doing and why am I doing this". Do I really need a man in my life that bad, that I'm willing to take a chance and try again, or, is it finally time, to get to know me, and regain my own personality....get to know who I am and what I want out of life? So, I did, and haven't looked back since.
Or you find someone who is very easy going and laid back. The do exist. My girlfriend is one of the most easy going and easy to deal with person ever. She's happy with about any decision I make. I'm pretty easy going with her as well. If I wanted to do any of those things you mentioned she'd probably jump at the chance to do one or to do all three.
maybe you have found your soul mate? Or, perhaps it is just all about being mentally compatible....we don't all like the same things, but to have some things in common is a plus.
I know very few single women older than 50 who want to remarry. They realize that doing so could be synonymous with singing up to be a nurse in a few years. In fact, my sister, who is 57, went on a date with a man not long ago, and when he told her he had diabetes and MS, all she could think was, "And I'm the one who is going to be changing the diapers in a few years."
It sounds cold and harsh, but it's the truth. Likewise, it's the truth that if the situation were reversed, divorce is more likely when it's the wife who is ill. So in practical terms, it's just not worth it to a lot of women to invest themselves that way.
I'm 47, been divorced for nine years, had a 7-year relationship after that. I'll say here what I told my last SO: Marriage is not a goal of mine. I'm not ruling out, but it's not on my agenda as something I'm deliberately looking for.
For me to marry again, there would have to be a certain practicality to it: The man would have to be neat or we would have to have the resources to pay a housekeeper. He would also have to be willing and able to cook. It would also have to be a big-arse house that we live in, where we can escape to opposite ends of it should we feel the need to be alone. If he snores, he needs to be okay with having another bedroom that I can go to when he wakes me up. If he is not in absolutely stellar shape, he would probably also have to be younger, because I don't want to be a nurse.
Basically, there must not be any additional labor on my part. I don't care how much I love a man. If I am working and doing second shift running a household, or seeing evidence of living with a slob at every turn (mildewy towels, piles of junk, clutter, whiskers in the sink, pee on the toilet rim), I will resent him for it, for disrespecting the home where I live, too, and for treating me like hired help or an indentured servant.
Can give you rep, but it's well said (and pretty much how I feel as well). I'll never say never to marriage, but on a practical level it won't happen. It's hard enough just to find someone to love that loves me back--let alone he's near and clean and can cook (so I don't become his servant) or can take care of his health, etc. It's not impossible, but very improbable.
I know very few single women older than 50 who want to remarry. They realize that doing so could be synonymous with singing up to be a nurse in a few years. In fact, my sister, who is 57, went on a date with a man not long ago, and when he told her he had diabetes and MS, all she could think was, "And I'm the one who is going to be changing the diapers in a few years."
It sounds cold and harsh, but it's the truth. Likewise, it's the truth that if the situation were reversed, divorce is more likely when it's the wife who is ill. So in practical terms, it's just not worth it to a lot of women to invest themselves that way.
I'm 47, been divorced for nine years, had a 7-year relationship after that. I'll say here what I told my last SO: Marriage is not a goal of mine. I'm not ruling out, but it's not on my agenda as something I'm deliberately looking for.
For me to marry again, there would have to be a certain practicality to it: The man would have to be neat or we would have to have the resources to pay a housekeeper. He would also have to be willing and able to cook. It would also have to be a big-arse house that we live in, where we can escape to opposite ends of it should we feel the need to be alone. If he snores, he needs to be okay with having another bedroom that I can go to when he wakes me up. If he is not in absolutely stellar shape, he would probably also have to be younger, because I don't want to be a nurse.
Basically, there must not be any additional labor on my part. I don't care how much I love a man. If I am working and doing second shift running a household, or seeing evidence of living with a slob at every turn (mildewy towels, piles of junk, clutter, whiskers in the sink, pee on the toilet rim), I will resent him for it, for disrespecting the home where I live, too, and for treating me like hired help or an indentured servant.
Your post is excellent and wise....and yes, my friends who have lost their husbands say the same thing, and terrible to say, but what you have said is so true...not for all, but for most. It is cold harsh reality that needs to be addressed....basically I just couldn't have someone, in the same house again, it would cause me great stress...would make me crazy. I to have MS, the reoccuring kind, but have been very fortunate over the last 23 years...but it could come back with a vengence....and there are side effects.
I laid it out in an earlier thread that many (possibly even most) women have had it up to their ears after 2-3 bad marriages (even good ones) and they hit middle age when the kids are grown and out of the house: they're sick and tired of being babysitters to their husbands--cooking, cleaning, picking up after him, babying him, etc. They just want to dump the relationship and find some women friends to hang out with.
The big secret is that after 40 or so when a woman is in menopause they don't need a man anymore; he's too big a pain in the rump; they want to be free of the burdens and live for themselves in what time they have left. Husbands after 40 desperately want to hang onto their wives while they secretly play around with the secretary. To have to get a divorce and break that stable relationship is not only a hit financially but also emotionally of sorts in that even though they don't really love their wives romantically anymore (and the wives sense this) they still like the idea of having someone to come home to who has a hot meal waiting for him, a body to keep him warm at night, someone to be there if he has a heart attack, etc. basically just an accessory.
Bottom line: by the time middle age rolls around, men need a woman 1000x's more than a woman needs a man. hence, women like the OP who says she's wants out.
i was horribly lonely in my marriage. When the counselor asked me what I am scared about by leaving him I said I am scared of being alone and getting old alone. He said "didn't you just say he is never home anyway (deployments) and when he is home he is mentally absent and you feel so lonely? Again, what are you scared of?".
I really don't miss the bad surprises when looking at our bank account. I have less income now being single but more money on my account because Mr. Shopping Addict is no longer on my account.
I am so much more peaceful.
The house looks clean. No messes. No dumb excuses for not doing anything useful around at home. Stuff gets done. No more discussing and explaining that men have chores at home, too. No more begging for bad sex.
I can eat at midnight if I feel like it and watch my car shows for hours without complaints. No discussions about chips crumbs in the bed.
That's a big NO! I never want to go through a divorce again. Even though all the years weren't bad it wasn't worth it.
Since I have no desire to have children a live-in situation would be a possibility but not marriage.
Wish I never did it as I lost 8 prime years. I especially hate being single at my age.
I've been single and living alone (including now) most of my life and frankly I do not like it.
Actually, there is some merit to it. My sister and friends in their 50s tell me that if they meet one more man who wants someone to "take care of" him, they're going to pull their hair out. There is a reason why so many men seek out remarriage after a divorce or widowhood. It's also why when you go to the old folks' home, a greater proportion of men than women want a partner.
But also, heterosexual men tend to get their emotional support and connection from women, namely their partners. Women tend to have larger networks for emotional support than men. Those same networks tend to meet most of women's needs for socializing and for help in a time of need, like if they fall ill. Men tend to rely on women for that stuff, and the older they get, the greater that reliance.
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