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For those trying to find faults in this lady and her story please take a moment to think to yourself your own life and where you did things that you later felt not so proud of. I for one have made many mistakes and often times my ego has stopped me from doing what this lady has done - admit she was on a wrong path and choosing to work on what's most important - your family. People try to judge others because it is easier than judging self. I admire the OP for class she has shown. I would love to have her as my sister or friend and learn from her the wisdom she has gained in short 30 years of her life.
Where do you think my advice comes from??
I would be no help to anyone here if I commented on things with which I am not familiar.
And based on my own life, mistakes and wisdom, she has a long way to go.
Before making a comment like that maybe you should try to think. I believe the 'feminists' understand that this story is not about work vs. a husband. It's about becoming obsessed with something to the point of ignoring everything else around you, including your own spouse. When you marry someone, they deserve your time and love and you shouldn't sacrifice it all for a job. If she had been able to work and keep that personal life balance too and give attention to her husband, that would have been perfect, but she wasn't able to do so. Any obsessions like that are going to be detrimental to the marriage. That is the crux of the OP's story.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr5150
Given the choice of being happy or a success at work, I will chose happiness every time.
Why was my post quoted here? I never once said that she should have chosen success at work.
I lost this "feelings of love" because I surrounded myself with work issues and I made it all about my work from the time I wake up in the morning till I go to bed...
This is bewildering to me. If somebody becomes obsessed with work, with a hobby or whatnot, why must that necessarily vitiate one's love for a person? A thing (work) and a person can compete for time and attention, but why for love? If I deeply love my job, I might show fewer overt signs of affection for my wife/girlfriend/etc., we might interact together more sparsely, but why would I love her any less? No, I'd love her less if something about her irked me, if something about me irked her, if we grew apart as persons. This is independent of commitment towards one's job.
Quote:
Originally Posted by HeadacheFan
I can still get a divorce if I want to and my husband would then be force to support me since I don't have a job (even if I do, he still needs to pay me because he makes way more than I) -employed or not, Divorce would be economically devastating for me either way. He would end up paying for a child support (3 year old daughter), alimony, division of property etc.
Perhaps the above-quoted statement is phrased awkwardly, but it comes across as conniving and manipulative. A loves B well enough for the moment, but in the eventuality that something changes, A can peremptorily leave B, leaving B financially punished... all while the real moral transgression belongs to A. Is this fair? What if the husband had lots of student-loan debt and made just barely enough money to sustain the family, such that if the wife left, she'd be the one owing him money? What if the wife still had a good 401K plan from her former employer, to which the husband has 50% claim? How would the divorce/don't-divorce calculation change? It seems that the OP feels herself to be equipped with fallback options that accord her a luxury of choice - a luxury that is not symmetric.
For those trying to find faults in this lady and her story please take a moment to think to yourself your own life and where you did things that you later felt not so proud of. I for one have made many mistakes and often times my ego has stopped me from doing what this lady has done - admit she was on a wrong path and choosing to work on what's most important - your family. People try to judge others because it is easier than judging self. I admire the OP for class she has shown. I would love to have her as my sister or friend and learn from her the wisdom she has gained in short 30 years of her life.
Huh?
Nobody is "trying" to find faults with this story. There ARE faults with this story. They just exist. Nobody is judging anything, as I see it. Just trying to talk through this whole thing with the OP. When you post a story on an internet bulletin board, you invite people to discuss your personal business with you.
That said, I think we have all done things we later regretted and/or were not very proud of... some of us may even have declared that we had a dramatic change of heart because we were in the middle of a major life event, then later realized that we were just in the middle of a major life event.
Which is what is likely going on with the OP.
Is it entirely possible that she had a "Road to Damascus Saul/Paul" sort of revelation? Sure. It could happen.
Is it more likely that she's just in a state of shock over having lost the one thing she invested most of her time in? Yep. It is.
Bottom line either way is that if she wants to work on her marriage, she needs to work on what made her put her career so far ahead of her marriage as to almost wind up divorced because of it.
And, since she mentioned that she and her husband were already talking divorce right before she lost her job AND they have a small child, she needs to also be very honest with herself and realize that it's not impossible that her husband, being a nice guy, is just helping her through this difficult time and watching her to see if she's really going to change because if she doesn't? He'll divorce her once she can support herself.
So, maybe she needs to get herself and her husband into couples therapy and work this whole thing out instead of assuming that everything will be great now that she's been through this ordeal with getting fired from this time-sucking, marriage-jeopardizing job that she had.
That was really my point. It's way too soon to tell whether or not her story is some example of (whatever) yet. Who knows?
Your other statement... exactly what wisdom has she gained? That you can get fired from a job? It took her until 30 to figure that one out? I figured that out in high school when I saw a coworker get fired. That's a pretty obvious one.
You never put a career so much farther ahead in your priorities than your loved ones. Ever. Your company doesn't care about you. None of them do, when it comes down to it.
Conversely, you never put your family and friends so far ahead of your career that you aren't taking care of your personal fulfillment, either.
Balance. It is all about balance. That is what we should all strive for.
This applies to CEOs and stay-at-home moms. Everyone needs balance.
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I can understand why you would say that- but that's not the case at all. I can still get a divorce if I want to and my husband would then be force to support me since I don't have a job (even if I do, he still needs to pay me because he makes way more than I) -employed or not, Divorce would be economically devastating for me either way. He would end up paying for a child support (3 year old daughter), alimony, division of property etc.
I recognized that I'm married to a good person and I don't think I would meet anyone who will stand by me through this difficult time when he don't have to- but money was not the reason, as stated in my above post- I will still be entitled to support either way.
Hmm... seriously?
Had you considered that you spent so much time away from your family that he might sue for full custody of your child?
If that happened, you'd get a lot less money that you're counting on. Maybe he might wind up thinking that you would leave his child with sitters all the time while you spent hours and hours at work. You do not really know what might happen, so I would not be counting my fat alimony and child support checks just yet.
I don't know many people who'd lose a job AND be prepared to tackle a divorce all in the same week, so the fact that you are staying put seems logical and reasonable to me.
The way you just presented this is really strange, though. I have to tell you that from an outside perspective, it seems odd.
Your husband must be a really good man.
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OP now all you need to do is get pregnant, never wear shoes and you will be whole and complete as a woman.
where did she say she wanted to do THAT??? Good God!!! I know you think women should spend their time ruling the universe, as they are superior to men in all ways, and any woman that doesnt want to is obviously happy with 1950 gender roles. What about just being happy?? Militant feminism isn;t always the answer-simple decency and fairness should be enough.
That said, I think we have all done things we later regretted and/or were not very proud of... some of us may even have declared that we had a dramatic change of heart because we were in the middle of a major life event, then later realized that we were just in the middle of a major life event.
Which is what is likely going on with the OP.
Ding, ding, ding! I sense that about the OP, too.
Quote:
Originally Posted by usamathman
The OP seems to be happy now that she has more time to spend with her husband.
For the ladies out there that see a problem with what she stated....
Have Fun With Your 7 CATS.......5 DOGS........AND your High Paying/Demanding Job.
Plenty of threads on here about how women can be perfectly fulfilled without marriage or living with a man.
The OP seems to be happy now that she has more time to spend with her husband.
For the ladies out there that see a problem with what she stated....
Have Fun With Your 7 CATS.......5 DOGS........AND your High Paying/Demanding Job.
The OP is enjoying it now and that's great. It doesn't preclude her getting a job further down the line. She may decide being a stay at home Mother doesn't suit her, who knows what will transpire 6 months from now.
Oh and I have a good paying job, spend all kinds of time with my husband and we don't have cats or dogs.
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Good God!!! I know you think women should spend their time ruling the universe, as they are superior to men in all ways, and any woman that doesnt want to is obviously happy with 1950 gender roles. What about just being happy?? Militant feminism isn;t always the answer-simple decency and fairness should be enough.
